Afraid Of Feeling Beautiful

The other day, one of my best friends tagged me in a post on Facebook. The post was one of those silly trending threads, and it asked you to post five pictures of yourself that made you feel beautiful.

Normally, I would ignore a post like this. I'm not a fan of pass-it-along Facebook posts. They either make you feel guilty for not posting, or they're just completely ridiculous.

But this one triggered something meaningful within me, a feeling I couldn't quite figure out. I was afraid and curious and without words all at once.

To put it simply, I didn't know what it meant to feel beautiful. In fact, I've always been intimidated of the topic of beauty and I never felt comfortable enough to navigate its waters.

I always knew beauty went beyond outer appearance -- what the media loves to advertise beauty as -- but I also didn't want the cliche Christian answer that "inner beauty is the only kind of beauty that matters." I'm not a middle schooler in youth group anymore.

I thirsted for a genuine answer to the definition of beauty, so, being the avid blog reader that I am, I started hunting for Christian articles that discussed the topic of beauty.

I came across a blog that struck me on one of my favorite Christian women websites, The Good Women Project. The last few sentences caught me off-guard.

"It's hard to accept the fact that our point of view is not the only one that matters: there are people who love us and find us beautiful even when we cannot see our own beauty. We are too afraid to acknowledge that we are worthy of being loved, and beautiful because of that."

Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold on. Does the issue of beauty stem from a deeper issue? According to this blog, yes. It's saying that we won't feel beautiful if we don't feel worthy of love.

That brought me back to the beginning of this summer, when I was watching The Perks of Being a Wallflower on an airplane from Los Angeles to Taiwan.

"We only accept the love we think we deserve."

That quote stuck with me the entire summer, and blossomed when a friend and I started discussing value and worth one day over coffee.

The root issue that I was facing was that I did not feel worthy of love. To give you some background, let me share some of my history with you. My father and mother divorced when I was 10-years-old, and because I lived with mother during my teenage years, I didn't have a father figure in my life to show love to me consistently. Because of this, I sought out love from guys -- in fact, any guy who showed interest in me. I didn't want to admit it, but I was hungry for what I thought was love at the time.

It wasn't until this summer when I realized that all these years I had been looking to fill a void in my heart with love that was less than perfect. Yes, I loved Jesus, but his love never took the first place in my heart. It was never enough. I always needed to quench my thirst for love from something or someone else.

When my friend helped me recognize that I was settling for love that was less than I deserved, I was speechless. She told me that because Christ is worthy and because he lives within me, that means I am worthy. Nothing I do makes me worthy but him. I am made in his image, and therefore I am worthy of the greatest love in the world. Now that's what you call a love story.

Since then, I've been reminding myself daily that I am worthy of love. I am worthy of Christ's love and I am even worthy of love from a man who loves the Lord with his whole heart. I won't settle for any less anymore.

Yet, here I am, still fearful of feeling beautiful.

So, I decided to do something. I decided that for the next 30 days, I will take self-portraits of myself expressing myself in my beauty. I don't do this in vain or to gain anyone's approval. Instead, I hope to boost my confidence in my own beauty and see my beauty more clearly.

Because that's what I think beauty is: confidence of who one is -- in both appearance and character.

Donating Blood Wasn't About Me

I wasn't planning on donating blood. The clock struck 3:10pm signaling the end of class, and I burst out the door to walk back to my apartment. The homework piled high, and I knew I needed to start right away in order to accomplish it by the end of the night.

As I turned the corner of the hall, my friend Nathan, who was sitting at a Red Cross blood donation registration table, yelled, "Rebekah!"

"Oh, hey, Nathan."

"Do you want to donate blood today?"

My face probably turned pale and my eyes widened. "No..." I hesitated, and I light-heartedly chuckled in hopes of leaving the donation registration table. But he continued. Ugh.

"Why not?"

"I'm afraid of needles."

Assuming that he would nod his head and let me get on with my day, I was stunned by his response. He went on to tell me why I shouldn't be afraid of a little prick in my skin, and that I would be saving lives by donating blood. I hated feeling guilt-tripped, but I kept listening.

I know, I know... went through my mind. I had heard it all before. But he kept pushing it. I swayed back-and-forth waiting for him for him to stop talking. He told me that by donating blood I would overcome one of my fears. A girl earlier in the day had done it, so why couldn't I? What was holding me back?

I had always WANTED to donate blood because I wanted to help save lives, but I was always afraid of the needle. I was afraid of becoming lightheaded and possibly passing out.

Then I realized something. My fears were pathetic. Was my comfort and safety more important than someone getting a blood transfusion that could potentially save his or her life? I couldn't let a little jab into my skin prevent me from giving life to someone else.

Others have suffered much worse for people's lives. Most prominently, Christ was whipped, speared and nailed to a cross to save billions of lives who would chose to follow Him. Isaiah 53:5 says, "But He was pierced for our transgressions, He was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was on Him, and by His wounds we are healed."

I know, I went from the pain of one little scar on your finger to the Son of God being tortured on the cross. A dramatic jump. But isn't it in the little things too, the little sufferings, that we relate to Christ and show our love for Him? It's not just the "big" sufferings.

By suffering for 6 minutes atop a black leather medical recliner I gave life to save someone's life (and really, I hardly felt any pain during this time). No, I wasn't stoned on the streets like Stephen. And no, I wasn't hung on a cross like Jesus. But it's not the location or severity of pain that matters. It's the raw act of giving of oneself, no matter what the discomfort or loss is, to give life to others that matters. That's what living selflessly looks like.

But I'm afraid to give of myself. That thought floats through my head on a daily basis, as I'm sure it does in your mind as well. Many times our fears can conquer our minds to tell us that we can't do this or that because it will risk our comfort. Yes, we may have the deepest desire to do something, but our fear overrules our desire.

I want to give blood, but I'm afraid that I'll experience too much physical pain.

I want to help the homeless, but I'm afraid that I won't know what to say around them and that I'll feel out of place.

I want to share the Gospel with my co-workers, but I'm afraid that I'll be mocked or challenged in my faith.

Our flesh hates discomfort, so it avoids it at all means possible. We live lives of comfort, waking up every morning to stay in our personal bubble we've created. We know our routine and we aren't willing to leave it, because something could go wrong that would threaten our well-being.

But Christ doesn't call us to live comfortably. He calls us to take risks and go outside of our boundaries into the unknown, trusting Him that He will pave the way through the darkness. He calls us to suffer on behalf of Him and our brothers and sisters so that He may be glorified.

2 Corinthians 4:8-12 says, "We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body."

Our suffering is but a mere reflection of what Jesus suffered on the cross. We suffer for Him so that the message of the cross would be spread. Who else is more worth suffering for?

And we rejoice in our sufferings!

Romans 5:3-5 says, "More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us."

I came to this conclusion. Suffering for Christ is the mark of humility and embodies Christ-like love to the fullest extent. It denies the self and says, "I'm enduring this for something greater than myself -- for the glory of God." And it doesn't have to be profound. You don't have to sell all of your belongings and give the money to an organization that fights poverty. But you can suffer in the everyday moments to bring glory to God. You can give your lunch to the woman who stands on the street everyday during the lunch hour. You can spend your afternoon assisting your roommate with a project instead of using the time for yourself.

I know, my minuscule experience donating blood hardly attests to suffering for Christ. One jab into my arm was hardly anything in the scheme of suffering.

But it is a starting point. And I learned so much through it.

Stop Living For Accomplishments

The past two weeks have been odd. Winter Break started, and I found myself bored with no homework to do, my best friends away, and less shifts at work. I fell into a pattern of sleeping in way longer than I'm used to, watching TV (which I never do), and avoiding the tasks on my to-do list. I felt lazy and disengaged. Who was I becoming?

I hardly ever slept in past 8:00 a.m. on days I didn't have work or school, because I didn't want to waste precious time to do homework. I never watched "Adventure Time," or any other TV show for that matter, because I didn't think it added value to life. And I never, ever ignored my responsibilities.

But I'm learning that it's okay to take time for myself. I'm learning that it's okay to rest and have fun, even if it's not productive or makes my day start later. I'm learning to stop living under the rulebook I've created to ensure my life is successful and valuable.

Before this realization, I always assumed that every minute of my time needed to be useful. If I didn't allot it well, I would cower in guilt imagining what I could have done during those precious moments of time that amounted to nothing in the end. I remember several Tuesday and Thursday mornings towards the end of the semester where I slept in until 10:00 a.m. and didn't wake up two hours earlier to read. I would criticize myself and let shame overcome me.

Also, I couldn't just sit and watch a movie, play video games for hours, browse pictures on Pinterest or lay down on the couch and nap. What were these activities accomplishing? I wasn't making money. I wasn't obtaining a degree. I wasn't pursuing my dream. I wasn't becoming closer to Jesus in my relationship with Him.

But what if I wasn't supposed to live for accomplishments? What if I was just supposed to be obedient to what the Lord has called me, live by faith, and be happy? What if I didn't have to wear a mask of perfection anymore?

If I didn't live for accomplishments anymore, I would be able to learn the habit of self-care. I would be able to give my body the rest it needed, and I would be able to take breaks in my day just to do what I wanted to do in that moment -- even if it didn't accomplish anything.

In a note a friend sent me for Christmas, she included a Bible verse. It never struck me how timely it was until this very moment, because it goes along with everything I've been learning.

"So I concluded, there is nothing better than to be happy and enjoy ourselves as long as we can." (Ecclesiastes 3:12)

If I didn't live for accomplishments anymore, I would be able to learn the practice of patience. I would be able to focus on and invest fully in the moment, not on what's ahead. I would be able to be at peace, even in the presence of chaos.

When we slow down life and learn to press the pause button, we stop making accomplishments our goal. We take life as it comes, and see our life as one continuous stroke rather than a line made up of little dots.

I'm finding that living for accomplishments only breeds a fear of failure. 

Were my strict guidelines of only get eight hours of sleep to ensure that I be productive with the remainder of my time making my happy, or were they only stringing me along by fear of wasting time?

I'm not saying that waking up early is unhappy or done because of a fear of wasting time. There are many early birds out there who enjoy waking up early.

Also, I am not saying that disciplining yourself to do or not do certain things is wrong. Sometimes we need to discipline ourselves to break a habit, start a new habit, write a 10-page paper or apply for a job.

What I am saying is this: If you are doing something because of fear of failure, then stop doing it. If you are going to college just because your parents want you to, yet you want to work at your local diner the rest of your life, stop going to school and pursue your dream. If you are exercising just because your boyfriend wants you to be skinny, stop exercising (unless you do it for your own health). If you are avoiding media just because you think it will distract you, watch a TV show or a movie. If you are avoiding sleeping in just because it will steal your time away, then sleep in.

We must stop living for the approval of man, and we must also stop living for the approval of our own self. We live for God's approval alone, and God wants us to be happy and get rest. He doesn't want us to be controlled by achievements; he only wants us to be obedient to His Word.

Day #6: Closed Door

Time to call that person again.

I pick up my phone, and my fingers dial the 10-digit number. Cautiously pressing the phone up against my ear, I cross my fingers on my left hand and hope that the person doesn't answer. As the dial signal drains on, I anxiously await the voicemail. 10 more seconds.

"Hello?"

I skip a breath. My hopes are crushed. Disappointed, my voice perks up and starts asking away at whatever I was planning on speaking to the person about.

Does this scenario sound familiar?

You call someone, and you purposely wait for the voicemail so you don't have to interact with the person live.

I think it's funny how often we humans do this, especially in this digital age. We're becoming more and more afraid of conversation. And with this comes a fear of intimacy.

I have a fear of intimacy. That's what my eyes have become open to this summer.

At Caribou, I plant my feet behind the register and gaze down at the screen after punching in the customer's order, careful not to say too much to the guest, because that would be invading their privacy. I'm only an employee, anyway. Why would they want to establish a connection with me? I wear a brown apron and serve them coffee every day. No one special.

And it's not limited to work. I walk back to my room after work, and crash down on my bed or the chair and shut the door behind me. I seclude myself from my suitemates, because the introvert in me needs space.

Whatever the situation may be, I've learned that I'm terrified of stepping outside my comfort zone to interact with people I'm not close with already.

The funny thing is, as Christians, this is our calling. In Matthew 28:19, it says, "Therefore, go and make disciples of all nations." We are called to reach people of all shapes, colors, and backgrounds.

As if this isn't enough, God calls us to live our lives openly. In 2 Corinthians 6:11-13, Paul writes about  his interaction with the Corinthians:

"We have spoken FREELY to you, Corinthians, and OPENED WIDE OUR HEARTS TO YOU. We are not withholding our affection from you, but you are withholding yours from us. As a fair exchange -- I speak as to my children -- open wide your hearts also."

Paul and his companions spoke freely to the Corinthians and opened their hearts wide to them. They didn't hold anything back. They swung wide open the door of intimacy, and didn't allow anything to come between them. They were real and authentic, and didn't hide themselves in the shadows.

This is how I want to live. I want to embrace my identity as a child of light.

Instead of shaking behind the register at work, I want to get to know our guests and encourage them in their daily lives. 

Instead of escaping to the corridors of my room when I get home from work, I want to stop by people's rooms in the hall on the way back and say hello.

Instead of keeping my door shut, I want to keep it open to let others in. And not just a physical, wooden door -- the door of my heart.

**Are you afraid of intimacy? Do you hide yourself from others? What's causing you to build a wall up around yourself?

Day #2: A Wild Pursuit

It was a chilly May night, the day after Finals, and my closest friends and I pulled an all-nighter together driving around the city of Minneapolis. After stuffing ourselves with breakfast food and pie at Denny's and parking near a scenic bridge to listen to worship music together, we made our way to the infamous "Makeout Point" in the Quarry. Once our orange car was subtly parked in the fogginess on top of the grassy hill that overlooked the city skyline, we pumped up the worship music once again and sat there for an hour in the stillness of God's presence. We prayed for each other, and then in a rush, I jumped out of the car and ran.

My feet pranced across the bushy grass, racing as fast as a deer's.

My eyes were fixed on the sunrise in the distance, nothing else.

My steps were swift and my strides were long. I couldn't stop!

I was free and overflowing with joy.

Then I danced at the edge of the plain to where the hill ended sharply and sloped violently downwards on a path of dirt.

It was the most free I've felt in my life.

Today I wondered, Am I actively pursuing God in the same way I ran out of the car to the edge of the field five days ago? Am I wildly jumping out into unknown, racing past anything in my way until I reach the very face of God?

The pursuit that God wants of us is supposed to be wild. It's supposed to be dangerous, not comfortable. Because comfortable equates stability, and stability is not part of growth.

I've become complacent. My hands are reaching towards God and my heart is groaning to know Him more, but my feet are glued to the ground of my own complacency. I'm screaming to Him, but my ears cannot hear because I'm too far away from Him.

All I want is for God's arms to envelop me in His beauty and love. I want to be captured and swept off my feet by Him, but I cannot experience this until I step into the gap that's separating us.

Why can't I move my feet into the vacant space? My feet feel like bricks being weighed down by my fears. I've constructed a wall that no one can tear down. It is a glass wall, but nonetheless, it is there.

I cannot move my feet because I am afraid of intimacy. I am afraid of the wild pursuit that God desires of me. I am afraid to give up my comforts to be closer to His heart.

But I know He is calling me out onto the waters. I know it. His voice is ever so clear, I'm just choosing to avoid it. Instead of risking myself for Him, I slumber away, actively ignoring His call.

He says, "Daughter, come out onto the waters. Step out of the boat and walk upon the waters. Reach for my hand and I will hold you. I will not let the waves overtake you."

A tug-o-war erupts inside of me. My spirit is aching for my Beloved, my Lord... but my flesh hesitates, flooding my head with worries. What if I stumble? What if I fall? What if the waves come crashing down on me?

No.

I cannot pledge my allegiance to my flesh any longer. I cannot sit in my place of comfort anymore. My spirit is trembling to budge, to move forward into oceans deep.

I'm like Peter, who Jesus called forth upon the waters as the disciples were on their fishing boat. Peter took a leap of faith and stepped onto the roaring seas. He saw Jesus standing out there, and that was the only hope he needed. He pursued Jesus wildly.

It's time for me to respond to the voice that is across the waters. It's time for this wall to fall and for me to step closer to God. It's time for me to run towards Him, pushing past all of my fear, pride, worry, and failures.

It's time to wildly pursue His heart.

**What is holding you back from pursuing Jesus wholly? Are you holding something back from Him that is creating a barrier between you and Him?

I Will Not Fear

(The most important part of this post is bolded; that's my story from this past Friday night.)
There's a really cool evangelistic opportunity at my school. It's called Encounter.
Every Friday night, students gather in one of the classrooms on campus to worship and pray for an hour. Then, at around 11:30 p.m., they hit the streets of downtown Minneapolis to get to know the people who are out partying and drinking. Their goal is to spread Christ's love through simple conversation, which ultimately can open doors for prayer and salvation.
I started going to Encounter during spring semester of my freshman year. In fact, it wasn't until the very last outing that I went. My friend Amy reeled me into it, saying that it was "so awesome." Yeah, I was terrified.
See, I had never been one to go out and evangelize, nonetheless walk around the streets of Minneapolis at night. I'm not a city girl. I come from a small town bordering the suburbs, so this experience would DEFINITELY push me out my comfort zone.
But I went. And, I liked it. The Lord knew exactly what He was doing when He sent me out on those streets that night. My partner and I were able to hear the life story of a guitar player near one of the clubs, and eventually we got to pray with him. It was incredible; nothing like I had ever experienced before.
That one night was a launching pad for my consistent attendance the following year. I started to feel a deeper love for the city and the people. I started to feel the brokenness enveloping the city, and God placed a passion inside of me to go and minister to that.
Fast forward a year. It's my junior year at North Central University, and this past semester I didn't go to Encounter very much. Instead, I was working late nights and early mornings on the weekends, so my body couldn't afford sacrificing a good night's sleep. The times I did go out were amazing, though.
And now it's the beginning of a semester. I quit my weekend job during winter break, which means Encounter is now something I can go to more often if the Lord leads me to it. Speaking of which, this past Friday I went out. And wow, was it mind-blowing. I want to share my story with you.
I was partnered with one of the leaders named Josiah and a new student named Gabi. We walked downtown and talked to quite a few people, but it wasn't until we reached Bar Fly that the main events of the night struck. Josiah started talking to a man, and as this was happening a drunk guy ambled off the street. Gabi and I said "hello" and started a conversation with him. Gabi was doing most of the talking, and as the the conversation progressed my eyes drifted off to the side. I saw a woman dressed in a long, puffy coat with a fur hood covered her head. Her face was buried in a white scarf, and you could barely see her pale brown face in the light. That's when I felt the nudging of the Holy Spirit. So I walked up to her. I asked her how her night was, and she suddenly stopped, turned to me, and gave me a hug. I didn't know how to respond. She then pulled out four coins and asked me if I had $0.75. I said no, but I told her I could pray for her if she'd like. Immdiately she turned away and walked in the other direction. After that happened, I was able to talk and pray with the man she was with who was walking beside her. Then I moved back to Gabi's conversation with the drunk guy. I noticed on the other side of the bus stop (where we were standing) there were two police officers with a skankishly dressed girl. The drunk guy waltzed over to one of the officers and tapped his shoulder to use him as a metaphor in our conversation about the Bible. Suddenly, another officer appeared and told the drunk guy to leave the premises otherwise he could be arrested for interrupting a serious situation (the girl was intoxicated and the officers were trying to help her find her friends to get home). The drunk guy backed off, but it seemed as if the officer didn't understand, because he grabbed ahold of his shirt and shoved him against the glass wall of the bus stop. The man started yelling, and all of a sudden he was tackled into the street. Gabi and I had backed away by this point and had started to pray over the situation. We didn't know what was happening. After praying and meeting up with two other group members, the officers had left and the drunk guy had walked off in another direction. But the girl was still there, surrounded by two of her friends now. One of the friends left, and the other friend was on the phone. My attention grazed towards the intoxicated girl, however. She was seated on a bench, scrunched up with her hands covering her face. The Holy Spirit then nudged me over to them.
"Ladies, how are you doing? Is everything okay?"
"Everything's fine," said the girl on the phone.
But I could tell not everything was fine. The intoxicated girl was dressed in a white blouse, a black mini skirt and black tights. I could tell she was freezing. So I asked her a question.
"Honey, are you cold?"
No response. Just a quick seat-shift to the side, and her hands motioning for me to sit down next to her. I sat down and offered her my coat, but her friend refused to have me give it to her. So I just hugged her, my arm wrapped around her cold, frail body.
She cuddled closer against me, and I could her hear whisper, "You're warm" under her intoxicated breath. It broke me.
The time went by, and after five minutes their ride came and the girl on the phone got up and helped her friend up. I then regrouped with the others who were standing nearby.
This is what I learned that night:
Sometimes following the lead of the Holy Spirit is uncomfortable. It will scare you out of your mind; it will draw you into places you'd never imagine going before.
But when you drop all your fear and uncertainty on the side of the road and say, "God, I will do WHATEVER you want me to do," that's when He accompanies you and fights for you.
That's what I had to do on Friday night.
I'll be transparent with you. I told you above that after my first experience with Encounter, I really started to like it. I've had amazing interactions with people on the streets, but all of these interactions have been primarily through the prompting of one of my partners. I've never sparked my own conversation with someone on the street. And, to add to that, I've never talked to a woman on the streets. Only men. That's my confession. My fear.
Or, should I say, old fear. On Friday night, I decided that I was done hanging out in the background. I decided I was done just following the lead of my partner, and not listening to the Holy Spirit while on the street.
I wanted to listen to the Holy Spirit, and I really wanted to talk to women.
Then God spoke to me. He told me that He would fight for me if I put my hope in Him. He would be my mouthpiece if my own words failed.
So I allowed God to use me. I allowed myself to become nothing so He could work through me. I was able to listen to the nudging of the Holy Spirit, and I was able to talk to two women.
See, we are nothing without the power of Christ in us. I believe that to be so incredibly true. From the very roots of my relationship with the Lord I am dependent on Him. He was nailed to a cross so I could be redeemed, and by faith in Him, I am saved. That's my story.

Not My Own

Today I was touched by one person's act of genorosity.
I was working at our house garage sale to raise money for the FMSC MobilePack event our school is hosting this spring. It was quite slow, but around 4:45 p.m. one of the guys on my brother floor walked in. He browsed for at least ten minutes, and afterwards he ambled up to the counter with a bag of Hebrew coffee in his hands.
"How much?" I said. "$2? $1? Give as little or as much as you like." I wasn't expecting much for a small bag of ground coffee. Out of my surprise, my expectations were blown away.
"I was thinking $10."
I just sat there, jaw dropped and my eyes wide.
"Or actually, all I have is a $20 bill, so how about I just give it all?"
This time my heart stopped. $20 for a bag of coffee? You wouldn't even pay that much for a fresh ground bag at Starbuck's or Caribou.
"Uhhhh... Wait... Are you sure?"
"It is for a good cause, isn't it?"
"Why yes... well ummmm, thank you. Thank you so much!"
Then he walked up the stairs.

In the moments after he left, I sat there motionless. I couldn't focus on the Bible commentary in my hands anymore. All I could think was, "Why would someone give so much for something so little?"
But isn't that what God did for us?
He came down into the earth in flesh and bones, and sacrificed his body for all of humankind on the cross. He gave his Son as a living sacrifice so we could be redeemed and made whole again.
This is the ultimate gift.

"For God so loved the world, that he gave His one and only Son, that whosoever believes in Him shall not perish, but have eternal life." (John 3:16)
 

Some of you may have heard this verse over and over again as a child in Sunday school, but I want you to really focus on what it means.
It was out of authentic, pure and righteous love that God gave his highest prized possession (his Son) to redeem the wickedness of the world. We don't deserve one bit of this love. But out of His grace, we are released from our chains and are free to live in joy, peace, and goodness!

As I reflect on the wonder of God's sacrifice, I ponder about what I am hanging on to that could release more of God's kingdom into this earth if I let it go.
My pride.
My greed.
My fear.
These are only three of the things I struggle with. What if I decided to leave pride, greed and fear on the side of the road and run after God's arms like never before?
Pride and greed would be replaced wtih HUMILITY. God's strength would come alive in my weakness.
See the truth is, God will never turn us away. No matter how broken and messed up we are. Maybe it's time to start sacrificing the things holding you up tight for something that may not seem like the most self-satisfying in the moment, but for something that honors and glorifies the King through meekness and humble devotion.

It's time to remember that our bodies, possessions, emotions, actions and words were all created by the King for one purpose: to glorify the King, the maker of the universe and everything in it.
Everything we own really isn't ours. Everything that has been given to us is a blessing from above, and we need to use it to magnify His name - whether that be our earthly possessions, our talents or our personality.
We were made to worship.

"Love the Lord your God with all your HEART, and with all your SOUL and with all your MIND." (Matthew 22:37)

So I challenge you. Take time to evaluate your heart's motives behind every word that rattles off your tongue and every action your hands and feet make. Do they bring glory and praise to the King? Or are they self-glorifying, bringing satisfaction for a moment but in the long run destroying you?

Give it all to Jesus. He's worthy of every penny, every smile, every car ride, every phonecall, every basketball shoot, every paintbrush stroke, every stir of the spoon, and every other way that can be used to show off his glory. :)

False Identity

Sometimes I wonder if I'm ever strong enough to tackle the things burning deep inside my soul.
I want to forgive...I want to fight social injustice...I want to breath the Word of God in my everyday life... The list goes on. I have a fiery, burning passion for the plans and desires the Lord has given me, but there's one thing that always ties me up: FEAR.
And it's not necessarily fear of the outcome. It's fear of the process.
I'm terrified that I'll become activated and start working towards a goal, and then fail halfway through. I hate it. In my weakness I crumble and beat myself up.
Let me share a Bible story with you. It's found in Numbers 13:26-33. This is the period in history after the Israelites have been released from Egypt, and the Lord calls on Moses to send out 13 spies into the land of Canaan. The men travel all over the land, and when they return, they report their findings to Moses. They tell him that the land is rich and fertile, but something is standing in their way: people who are stronger than they are. Also known as "giants".
All but two of the spies doubt that they will be able to take over the land. They fear that the Israelites will be overtaken again, and so they end up staying in their current location.
The two spies who go against the majority are Caleb and Joshua. Caleb's boldness in verse 30 astounds me:
“We should go up and take possession of the land, for we can certainly do it.”
No one else, besides Joshua, has faith in this action. This leads to the Israelites becoming consumed by fear, which then leads to their wandering in the wilderness for 40 years.
The problem with the Israelites was fear of the road ahead -- specifically the giants. They knew in their hearts the Lord had a land promised to them, but when they were faced with road barriers, they faded into the shadows of fear. Fear became a huge weight on their shoulders preventing them from stepping out in faith and trusting that the Lord would give them The Promised Land.
But even more so, the Israelites were too comfortable in their identity as slaves. It became their reality in Egypt, and being set free was something totally new and bizarre to the Israelites. They didn't know who they were without Pharoah's control over them.
Many times, we don't know who we are when we are given the freedom to chase after our dreams. The Lord thrusts an opportunity in our path pointing towards our dream, but we ignore it because we are too afraid of it. We're too used to the "comfortable" life we're living -- going to school, working a part-time job, hanging out with friends on the weekends, etc. When something new comes our way that captures our interest, we become empowered and excited, but when we discover the sacrifices we'll have to make in order to add it to our plate, a lot of the time we stumble and back away.
We have become enslaved by our comforts. I'm not saying that being in a comfortable position in life is bad, but we need to find a balance between living comfortably and taking risks for God's Kingdom and letting Him lead our lives. We need to put our FULL trust in the Lord, and believe that His way is the best way. Even though He may guide us through valleys, hills, and rocky roads, the end is a beautiful and fertile valley, springing with rich fruit the Lord has planted for us.
We also need to understand fully who we are in Christ. As humans, we tend to develop highly personal beliefs about ourselves that define us. Many times these are negative, and they scream into our ears everything that's messed up with us. Instead of listening to our own judgment of ourselves, or the enemy speaking lies in our heads, we need to OVERCOME these misinterpretations with truth from Scripture. Our identity needs to be rooted in who God calls us -- His children (John 1:12), His friend (John 15:15), justified (Romans 5:1), redeemed and forgiven (Colossians 1:13-14), anointed (2 Corinithians 1:21-22), citizen of heaven (Philippians 3:20)... etc.
God did not create us to be wallflowers or benchwarmers. He did not create us to play it safe and live life in the "safe" zone. He created us in His image to spread the good news of the Gospel by taking bold steps of faith that blow our circumstances out of proportion.

At The Lord's Feet

As the morning of my grandma's surgery sneaks up closer and closer, I am becoming even more and more terrified. I fear the thought of her coming out of the surgery weak and unhealthy. I am afraid that her body will collapse during the middle of the surgery, and that the doctors won't know what to do during it. Fear is welling up inside of me like a fire, and I can't seem to contain it.

I've never experienced anything more tragic than this.

I've never experienced the death of a close friend or family member.

I've never walked alongside someone going through cancer.

I've never seen extreme suffering firsthand.

I know I may sound weak, but to be completely honest... I am. I swell up at the most minor of incidents. I cry at the flash of a gun being shot or a mother screaming at her child.

But guess what? The Lord pours out His strength during the moments I stumble! He picks me up, and whispers this into my ear:

"[Child], my grace is sufficient for you. My power is made perfect in weakness." (2 Cor. 12:9)

The Lord is directly telling me that His grace is ENOUGH. Enough! What does that mean? It means that His grace fulfills what is needed without being in excess. His graces spills into my cup, and when it is full to the brim, His power explodes out of every wall in my life.

In the same passage, Paul goes on to write: "For when I am weak, then I am strong." (2 Cor. 12:10)

When I surrender everything to the Lord at His feet and give up all control of my life, then the door is open for the Lord's strength and power to sweep in and move mountains.

The Lord has been teaching me a lot about sacrifice. He's taught me that all sacrifice needs to be done with a heart of worship first and foremost, and that love and justice should be at the core of it. But the thing I've learned that's the most essential is that sacrifice needs to be COMPLETE. It can't just be half-heartily, or even 99%. It needs to be total surrender at the foot of the cross. Otherwise there will be things you'll still be holding onto that will hinder you from following the Lord the entire way.

As I wrestle through this moment in my life, I need to continue to learn how to lay everything down in my life. And not just my future and my strengths - but my weaknesses as well. EVERYTHING. The whole package.

I struggle with giving the Lord control, and that's something I'm asking the Lord to stretch me with. I want to be able to fully let god and let God! That's been my motto recently. It flashes on my screen background every time I switch on my laptop, and it's been tapering almost every page of my journal for the past month.

Don't hold back anymore. Release the ties that are holding you onto worldly things. If you are encountering fear, anxiety, sadness, stress, etc... these feelings are not from the Lord! They are from the enemy, and it means you aren't fully counting on God. Make the Lord your comfort zone. He knows the situation and the best outcome, no matter what it is. He is good and faithful, and will never fail you!

"My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." (Psalm 73:26)

Just Be

Last week was Spring Break at my college. Instead of spending my week with family or basking in the rays on a white sand beach in Florida, I spent five full days with five beautiful ladies in Wisconsin. We stayed in a cabin about 30 minutes across the Minnesota border hidden in the depths of a grove of pine and birch trees, among patches of prairie land.

During our Monday-through-Friday stay in the cabin, we fellowshipped with one another and prayed for the missions trips from our school that went out into the world to serve. The three teams traveled to LA Dream Center, Asia and France. Our days typically consisted of individual prayer/journaling in the mornings, and corporate prayer and worship in the late afternoons and nights.

One huge thing the Lord taught me during this trip is that I have the authority in the name of Jesus over any situation. The Lord showed me this after being spiritually attacked the first two days. The enemy kept telling me I was worthless, and was taking advantage of the insecurity he loves to entertain me with. In our prayer circle on Tuesday night, I kept wrestling between the lies the devil was thrusting in my head and the truth I KNEW I needed to shout out. Then I just did it. I let it out. "Lord, I will not hold back anymore!" I proclaimed it and broke down in tears. But I felt spiritually released. I denounced the control the enemy had on me and declared victory in the name of Jesus! Fear CAN be eliminated. Doubts are NO MORE. The Lord already won the victory, and all we need to do is re-present that victory on Calvary! Isn't that awesome?

The rest of the trip was all a bit hazy to me in the moment. I asked the Lord to speak clearly to me, and He gave me this verse in the Old Testament. It is Samuel's response to the Lord calling on him for the third time in the temple:

     "Speak, Lord, for your servant is listening." -1 Sam. 3:10

Then I remembered: One way the Lord speaks to me is through my writing! So, I dug out my pen started scribbling. I wrote until I filled 24 pages in my journal with verses, pictures, thoughts and prayers.

After sifting through all that content, I discovered one common theme and one thing I felt like the Lord wanted to teach me: THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IN YOUR LIFE IS BEING WITH JESUS.

"being" - this word carries so much depth! Check out how dictionary.com defines it. I love the first definition listed:

     1. to exist or live

Isn't that profound when you apply it to my revelation? Let me re-write it with the new meaning. "The most important thing in your life is existing and living with Jesus." Doesn't that make it so much more real? Jesus is walking side-by-side with me, everywhere I go, doing everything I do with me. Even if I slip and fall. Literally NOTHING can separate me from the Lord! He is my Father and Friend. He's actually there, and I need to make an effort to spend time with Him and live my life in COMPLETE devotion to Him!

Devotion is simply worship, and worship comes in many forms. It is not merely a band on stage during Sunday morning church service singing the overplayed Hillsong and Jesus Culture songs. It is music, prayer, reading Scripture, journaling, crafting... The list is endless on the ways you can worship the Lord! All that it requires of you is that you do it in SPIRIT and in TRUTH. And your posture during worship needs to express the genuine condition of your heart.

What it all boils down to is this: Let go and let God.

One way to do this is to just stop for a second. Turn off that cellphone and shut your laptop; sit for a moment in silence. As Psalm 46:10 puts it, "Be still and know that I am God." Think about that. The Lord is directly asking us to tune down our busy lives and turn our eyes and our hearts to Him! I love how Peggy Kendall describes it, too: "Disconnect with your culture and reconnect with your Maker." That should be the basis for our everyday lives.

I challenge you. Slow down your wheels, even hit the breaks, and reflect on your life. Is your life rich, deep and purposeful, or is it just a cheap substitute? What are you missing because you're too busy? What can you surrender to the Lord in order to see Him in the 24 hours of your day?

Don't become too busy FOR the Lord that you don't have time to be WITH Him. Make your relationship with the Lord real. It may be messy, but guess what? That means it's a good relationship! Sit in His presence and just listen for His still, small voice. Because that changes everything. :-)

The Devil's Puppet

10 o'clock on a Wednesday night. The spacious room is dimly lit with college-aged students scattered throughout the aisles on both the ground level and balcony. The stage floor illuminates the spotlights off the glossy wood floor, reflecting a magnificent grand piano in its shadows. About nine minutes past the hour, a girl walks up on stage with a microphone in hand. She opens her heart and shares what God has placed on it, and gives the next two hours over to a girl on piano. The soft, melodic notes resonate off the large paneled walls and drift throughout the sanctuary to the darkness looming in the back. Voices cry out to the Lord; hands protrude into the air; songs of praise among soprano, alto, tenor, and bass blend together; whispers bounce back between brothers and sisters of Christ. It is the most intimate experience between a believer and the Lord.
I scrunch myself up between two rows of chairs, my back resting against the rough cloth and my barefoot feet clinging to the carpet. I hug my legs and bury my face into my arms.
I begin to talk to the Lord. I talk to Him like a normal human being, nothing fancy. Hey God, I'm here. I've had a rough week, but I'm ready to be refreshed and start anew. What do you want to say? My ears are open.

I listen. Still, the same voices and music consume my hearing. I dodge off the distractions that knock on my mind. I want to stay focused on the Lord.
Then the image pops into my head. Jesus praying at the garden of Gethsemane before his arrest.
I dig out my Bible and flip the pages to Matthew, where I thumb through each headline (I haven't memorized the New Testament). After a minute or two, my eyes rest upon the passage in Matthew 26. The scene of Jesus' arrest.
I mouth the words, one by one, delicately pronouncing each word so I can paint a picture of the scene in my head.
---

Jesus takes the disciples to Gethsemane, and then leaves them to go pray in solitude. He becomes overwhelmed with sorrow, and asks Peter and the two sons of Zebedee to keep watch on him.

Once he is parted from the disciples, he falls on his face and prays:

"My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me. Yet not as I will, but as you will." -Matthew 26:39
Whoa. Hold up. Let's read that again. "Yet not as I will, but as YOU will." Key word there? YOU. As in   "the Father" in this context.
Going back to the first sentence, Jesus is crying out to God asking Him to take the burden of sin off him. That's what the cup is. He is pleading for God to intervene in the moment so he won't have to suffer on Calvary.
But then he totally flips parallels in the second sentence. He surrenders himself and his plans, and gives ultimate control to God. He gives up his desires and feelings; they don't matter anymore. All that matters is the will of the Lord.
Jesus returns to the disciples and finds them sleeping. Then he goes back a second and third time and prays the same prayer. He is steadfast.
Then a large crowd of elders and priests, led by Judas, comes and arrests Jesus. His response? "Do what you came for, friend." -Matthew 2:50

Jesus is taken away. When he arrives before the Sanhedrin, he is questioned, threatened, beaten, and mocked. This continues until he is ultimately crucified on the cross. His suffering ends with nails impounded in his hands and feet, and a crown of thorns nestled on his head.
The end.
---
I return to the moment. Eyes washed with drops of tears and hands shaken, I close my Bible and clasp my hands together. I begin to think.
What a powerful story. Jesus emptied himself of ALL selfish desires and feelings.

Point to consider: Jesus REALLY didn't want to suffer. He begged his Father in heaven to spare him! He trembled and fell to the ground with sorrow. He was overwhelmed with sorrow; He did not want to die for humanity's sin.
But he did. He faced fear in the face. He surrendered himself to the plan God had already written. He let loose of all strings tying him to rebellion.

Jesus' reaction in the moments before he was arrested displays the best representation of sacrifice. Why?
1. He was carrying the sin of the ENTIRE world -- that's every human's sin that was, is, and was yet to come at the time. He held onto the weighty cup God placed on his shoulders and endured endless amounts of pain for the salvation of humankind.

2. It was Jesus. Jesus was created holy and perfect in the image of God -- conceived by the virgin Mary through the Holy Spirit. He was fully man and fully God at the same time. Although he was flawless and never sinned, he was "overwhelmed with sadness" at the fact of giving his life for the salvation of humankind. Even Jesus was troubled.

When I reflect upon Jesus' sacrifice, my worries and struggles become so much less significant. The things I'm dealing with are worth nothing compared to what Jesus went through. Yet, I still hold on to my worries and allow the enemy to keep speaking lies into my head. I remain a puppet of Satan, when Jesus was able to sacrifice his entire body and spirit for the ugliness of the world.
Why do I do this? Why can't I trust the Lord and give Him COMPLETE control of my life?
Fear and selfishness. Those are the two biggies. I'm afraid that if I follow God's plan for my life I won't get what I want, I won't make enough money, and I'll ultimately fail. I'm scared of altering my dream for God's Kingdom. This all ties back to this fact: As humans, we are so consumed with being the BEST. We want to get our hands on the fanciest set of wheels; we want to achieve the highest position at a well-paying job; we want to buy a huge house and everything that comes with it. Et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. The list goes on and on. Our wants our infinite, and they can never be satisfied.

So, how can we pull away from this human phenomena of "me me me" syndrome and put our life plan in God's hands?
Let me go back to the Bible. Matthew 26:41: "Watch and pray so that you will not fall into temptation. The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak." Jesus speaks this to the disciples when he finds them sleeping after his return.
I think this command can also apply to our lives. We need to be on constant alert for opportunities to be Jesus to people. We need to walk with the Spirit guiding our every motive and desire. We need to govern our thoughts with discernment and the authority of the Lord. Even though we are weak and fallen beings, we can OVERCOME our selfishness and fears with the Lord by our side. When we commit the little things, such as praying for 10 minutes a day; opening and closing your day with a Bible verse; and other such things to the Lord, He will totally speak through that. We should also think long-term and big picture, too. We should ask the Lord for eyes of love and compassion, so we see the goodness in others and can uplift them. We should speaks words of kindness and be humble in our actions. And lastly, glorify and praise the Lord with a grateful heart for everything He's already done, doing, and will be doing in the future!
That's how you start cutting the ropes off the devil's hold on you. You are no longer his puppet; instead, you become God's servant with His power overflowing through you.