I Will Surrender My Dearest

A week and two days ago one of my best friends left for his 6-month journey to Thailand.

I remember dropping him off at the airport. Another friend of his and I walked into the drop-off entrance, and there, with a backdrop of airline check-in lines and baggage security check points, he said his last goodbye with a hug and a smile to each of us. Then he walked off, two suitcases in his hands and two friends in the distance.

It didn’t hit me at that moment that he would be gone for 6 months. Six months is a really long time. Six months ago I was in Thailand teaching English and writing about the center I was volunteering with. A month later I arrived back in Minnesota, and during the next five months I fulfilled another semester at North Central University.

But now everything’s changing. One of my best friends is gone. I have a new roommate. I might get a new job.

I’m losing control of my world and I don’t know how to cope. I’m sad. I’m upset. I’m confused. I’m frightened.

And here I am, crying on my couch because I’m messaging my best friend in Thailand. My phone buzzes and he sends me a message telling me about his first experience in a 7/11 convenience store. My mind flashes back 6 months ago, and there I am in a 7/11 purchasing an Oishi green tea with honey and lemon flavor because that’s what my friend and I used to do every day before we went to school to teach. It’s just a tiny detail in a summer full of memories, but it’s enough to ignite the messy emotions inside of me that I’ve bottled up for five months.

The tears start falling from my face, my eyes get puffy, and I start sniffling.

I miss my best friend already.

Yet it’s not just him I miss. It’s Thailand. He’s in the country I hold close in my heart, the country whose people I adore and whose stories I want to expose.

The Thai people are fascinating. They are amiable and kind, always willing to help a foreigner out. They are devout, strongly grounded in their Buddhist beliefs. But they are also mysterious. They sometimes cover the truth to “save face” and sometimes you never know the ugly feelings behind the smile painted on their round faces.

I think about the man at the market who helped me purchase ingredients for Pad Thai. I think about the woman at the gas station who used to fill my motorbike tank every three days for 100 Baht. I think about Mr. Yo, the taxi driver who used to drive me home from the city.

But most of all, I think about the kids at the center I taught English at. I see their beautiful smiles in my head, and I remember all the moments we spent laughing and enjoying our time together.

We used to play Chinese jump rope, badminton, and Domino’s every day after school. On weekends, we would play Capture the Flag and paint pictures with watercolors. It was a joy playing with those kids, because I learned what childlike faith is.

These are some of the girls that I taught English to in Thailand this summer. They are all so sweet, bursting with joy, energy and curiosity to learn. I love them and miss them dearly!

Childlike faith is simply living in the moment, taking one minute at a time, and extracting the fullness out of it.

Sometimes it’s running around with a beach ball in your hands chasing your friends, like little 6-year-old Fa did with her friends after school at the center. Sometimes it’s distributing meals to refugees who walked two hours to reach the building you are at. And sometimes it’s praying for a city of darkness in a one-room church two blocks away from a street full of bars where girls in tight clothing stand waiting to have sex so they can get money for their pimps.

Faith is finding joy, giving hope, crying out for mercy, mourning over brokenness, going on an adventure, and anything in-between. It’s not defined and it’s not planned. It’s just trusting in God and obeying him in every moment.

Even if it goes against what your heart most desires.

But why would you yield your heart to a God whose plans are different from your own? Why would you give up what’s most dear to you for the sake of obedience?

Because God gave up his dearest possession – His only Son – to save a world of sinners, including me. That’s the only reason I have to pursue God’s plans before my own, but it’s enough. And that's why I can surrender my dearest - Thailand - so God's plan's can be fulfilled.

As much as my heart yearns to go back to Thailand, I must accept God’s plan for me here in Minneapolis now.

Like Abraham sacrificing Isaac on the altar, I must sacrifice my desire to return to go back to Thailand. It’s a difficult sacrifice, and I don’t know if God will give it back to me just like He gave Isaac back to Abraham.

Either way, it is worth it. Because God is worthy. And knowing Him is the thing my heart yearns for the most, when all my other desires vanquish.

Mike Yaconelli said, “The issue of faith is seeking God’s presence, not God’s plan for my life, because there is no plan outside of my knowing Him.”

Faith tells me that it’s okay to be here. God has a purpose for me in Minneapolis during this season, even though I am not quite aware of it yet.

I can serve God in Minneapolis just as effectively as in Thailand, although the latter seems so much more extraordinary. Yet, Thailand really is no more extraordinary than Minneapolis. Every place on this earth is temporary.

I’m trying to learn that although Thailand arouses my heart more, I don’t need to be overseas to fulfill God’s call of missions on my life. He has called me here and now, to the mundane and ordinary lifestyle of an average American college student. I’m taking a class on community development, beginning my senior project, and working at a coffee shop. It’s nothing fancy, but it’s what God has called me to do.

And that’s what makes the ordinary more extraordinary than anything else. Our hearts can tempt us, but when we yield them to God, the best always comes because “to the faithful He shows Himself faithful” (Psalm 18:25).

Not My Own

Today I was touched by one person's act of genorosity.
I was working at our house garage sale to raise money for the FMSC MobilePack event our school is hosting this spring. It was quite slow, but around 4:45 p.m. one of the guys on my brother floor walked in. He browsed for at least ten minutes, and afterwards he ambled up to the counter with a bag of Hebrew coffee in his hands.
"How much?" I said. "$2? $1? Give as little or as much as you like." I wasn't expecting much for a small bag of ground coffee. Out of my surprise, my expectations were blown away.
"I was thinking $10."
I just sat there, jaw dropped and my eyes wide.
"Or actually, all I have is a $20 bill, so how about I just give it all?"
This time my heart stopped. $20 for a bag of coffee? You wouldn't even pay that much for a fresh ground bag at Starbuck's or Caribou.
"Uhhhh... Wait... Are you sure?"
"It is for a good cause, isn't it?"
"Why yes... well ummmm, thank you. Thank you so much!"
Then he walked up the stairs.

In the moments after he left, I sat there motionless. I couldn't focus on the Bible commentary in my hands anymore. All I could think was, "Why would someone give so much for something so little?"
But isn't that what God did for us?
He came down into the earth in flesh and bones, and sacrificed his body for all of humankind on the cross. He gave his Son as a living sacrifice so we could be redeemed and made whole again.
This is the ultimate gift.

"For God so loved the world, that he gave His one and only Son, that whosoever believes in Him shall not perish, but have eternal life." (John 3:16)
 

Some of you may have heard this verse over and over again as a child in Sunday school, but I want you to really focus on what it means.
It was out of authentic, pure and righteous love that God gave his highest prized possession (his Son) to redeem the wickedness of the world. We don't deserve one bit of this love. But out of His grace, we are released from our chains and are free to live in joy, peace, and goodness!

As I reflect on the wonder of God's sacrifice, I ponder about what I am hanging on to that could release more of God's kingdom into this earth if I let it go.
My pride.
My greed.
My fear.
These are only three of the things I struggle with. What if I decided to leave pride, greed and fear on the side of the road and run after God's arms like never before?
Pride and greed would be replaced wtih HUMILITY. God's strength would come alive in my weakness.
See the truth is, God will never turn us away. No matter how broken and messed up we are. Maybe it's time to start sacrificing the things holding you up tight for something that may not seem like the most self-satisfying in the moment, but for something that honors and glorifies the King through meekness and humble devotion.

It's time to remember that our bodies, possessions, emotions, actions and words were all created by the King for one purpose: to glorify the King, the maker of the universe and everything in it.
Everything we own really isn't ours. Everything that has been given to us is a blessing from above, and we need to use it to magnify His name - whether that be our earthly possessions, our talents or our personality.
We were made to worship.

"Love the Lord your God with all your HEART, and with all your SOUL and with all your MIND." (Matthew 22:37)

So I challenge you. Take time to evaluate your heart's motives behind every word that rattles off your tongue and every action your hands and feet make. Do they bring glory and praise to the King? Or are they self-glorifying, bringing satisfaction for a moment but in the long run destroying you?

Give it all to Jesus. He's worthy of every penny, every smile, every car ride, every phonecall, every basketball shoot, every paintbrush stroke, every stir of the spoon, and every other way that can be used to show off his glory. :)

A Brother's Cry

Today at work I was very heavy-hearted.
As I scrambled around trying to keep the cookie jar full, stack the cups away, wipe down the counters, and various other little jobs to keep the cafeteria spick and span, I noticed something that broke my heart.
A guy sitting alone at a table.
It's not unusual to see a person sitting or standing by himself in a public area, and typically it's something our eyes skip over every day. But I couldn't stop but stare at him for a moment.
And it wasn't because of his appearence or that I knew him. It was because he was ALONE.
Here's the question that crossed my mind:
Why is it that as Christians we can go out and love those who don't know Jesus, but we can't show love to those within our own community?
I'm not saying that the Church is doing a terrible job at caring for its community. And I'm not saying that we don't love our brothers and sisters in Christ. But, I do wonder... Do we minimize or overshadow the needs of others in the body of Christ simply because they share the same faith as us?
If I was to pose the same scenario to you in the cafeteria today, but let's say the student was a visitor, then how would that change the dynamics? I think it would change them drastically. Since the person isn't a regular, people would notice that and jump in and include this person into their culture.
So why don't we include the student sitting alone in the cafeteria, the elderly man standing alone in the foyer before church begins, or the girl at the end of the hallway who never seems to leave her room?

1. One potential reason is fear. We are so afraid of going out of our way to meet the needs of others because it can mess with our image, expectations or schedule. Or maybe it's not necessarily that -- maybe it's because we're afraid to talk with people we don't know. We cannot allow fear to rule us any longer. Go against the norm, and stop allowing fear to get in the way of stepping out and showing someone you care!
2. Secondly, I think sometimes our minds trick us by telling us that "someone else will love them, so I don't have to". NO! This is a lie. You may be the only person in someone's day that snaps them a smile, wishes them a hello, or asks how they are doing. Never assume that a person will receive love from someone else. Don't let this mirage of thought ruin your chance to make someone's day!

Maybe we don't notice it, but maybe our brothers and sisters in Christ are secretely screaming, "I want to be included! If you are my brother or sister, show me the love of Christ!" inside of them.
WE MUST LEARN TO LOVE LIKE CHRIST LOVED.
And how did He love? 1 John 3:16-18 tells us well.

"This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers. If anyone has material possessions and sees his brother in need but has no pity on him, how can the love of God be in him? Dear children, let us not love with words or tongue but with actions and in truth."
 

I loved the second sentence of this passage. We ought to lay down our lives for our brothers.
Surrendering your life is the ultimate form of sacrifice, and this is what Jesus is calling us to. Jesus literally laid down His life for us, so in order to love like He loved, we must lay down our lives for others (maybe not in a literal sense, but we still need to take this very seriously).
In Matthew 22:39, Jesus also commands us to "love your neighbor as yourself." How much do you love yourself? One way to look at it is to see how much you spend on yourself. How much money do you invest into a new wardrobe, a new car, an education, your cell phone bill, etc? We spend a lot of time feeding the selfishness rotting away at the inner core of our being. What if we were counter-cultural, and instead of always thinking about "me, me, me", what if we shifted our focus inside-out to put the needs and desires of others before our own?
To truly love is to set aside one's own desires and comforts to meet the silent pleas of those around you.
God places us in every moment and situation for a reason. If we don't step into the gap and love the person who's all alone now, who knows what could happen to them next? They could commit suicide because of the brokenness they feel. They could start cutting themselves. You never know what a person's next action will be, and the best thing you can do is always show them that they are loved through a simple smile or "hello".
So I challenge you.
Recognize people.
Spark up a conversation with a fellow student in the halls.
Stop judging people based on their outer appearance or even their reputation. Because height, weight, hair color, clothing style, economic status, personality and past mistakes are just masks covering a person's soul.
Look past the facade and answer the cries of the lonely both inside and outside the Church.

Pearl

There's a really cool story found in Matthew 13:45-46. It's short, but incredibly powerful.

There's an ordinary merchant, no one special, just a normal human being like any one of us. He spends his days working -- searching for items to sell, and then putting them up on the market. One day he finds an pearl that is far more valuable than any of the previous pearls he's found. He becomes so excited, that he sells everything he owns to buy it.

EVERYTHING. This merchant runs into his house and turns all of his possessions in for the money he needs to buy the pearl. A simple pearl.

Why would he do this? Are all of his possessions REALLY worth the value of one simple pearl?

Let's look at it from our own perspective. Many of us have items we crave and desire -- the latest model pf a Mercedes vehicle, a Victorian-style home on the beach, an entire new wardrobe, etc. But we just don't have the finances to afford these highly coveted items. Instead, we put them in "wish lists" and spend our time dreaming about the day when we will ever get a raise at work to afford the cabin on the lake we always wanted.

Okay, I'm going to give you a make-believe scenario. What if you sold all of your furniture, clothes, cars, food, daily knick-knacks, and everything else you owned just so you could receive your dream item? That would be pretty silly, if you ask me.

But that's what the merchant did for this pearl. He sacrificed all of the things that gave him comfort just for this one pearl. If I was in this merchant's shoes, I don't think I'd have the guts to sell everything I own.

The pearl in this parable represents the Kingdom of Heaven. I caught myself off-guard when these two questions popped into my head after reading and studying this short Bible story:

Do I value the Kingdom of God as much as the merchant valued the pearl? Am I willing to sacrifice everything, even the things that will hurt, so I can grow closer to the Lord?

Peter wrote an awesome Bible verse in 1 Peter 2:2.

"Like newborn babies, crave pure spiritual milk, so that by it you may grow up in your salvation."

I love the metaphor he paints of babies symbolizing believers, craving whole milk from their mother's womb. As believers, we are to thirst and hunger for the Holy Spirit.

Our hearts should never be satisfied with what the world offers us. We must always be yearning and have a passion inside of us stirring deeper and deeper for the Lord.
Why? Because the Lord desired us FIRST!
James puts it this way in James 4:5:
"God JEALOUSLY longs for the spirit that He made to live in us."
Therefore, intimacy with the Lord is not a negotiable value. The Lord is our Creator; He formed us inside of our mother's womb before we opened ours eyes and saw the earth. He is our Father who clings to His children, wrapping His arms around us and loving on us with every speck of His being.
So how do we give the same attention to God as he gives to us? How can we experience a deeper relationship with the Lord?

I think there are two things the Lord requires of us for Him to pour out even more of His spirit on us.

We must first be WILLING, and then OBEDIENT to what He calls us to.

1. A willing heart is a heart that's inclined to draw close to the Lord and submit to Him.

This is the first step in drawing closer to the Lord. When we surrender our worldly desires and selfish attitude, we become true followers of Christ. Our minds and hearts are free of evil, and the spirit within us that the Lord has created longs and yearns to draw close to the Lord.

Then, we must be willing to accept everything He allows to cross our path while serving Him. The journey may be rough, and challenges WILL come our way, but if we stay planted in the Lord, then He will not let the waves of the storm surrounding us crash onto us.

"We have this hope as an anchor for the soul." (Hebrews 6:19)

2. An obedient heart is a heart that responds to the Lord's call, no matter what the sacrifice.

After our hearts are compelled by a pure and wholesome desire to draw close to the Lord, then we must take action. We cannot remain stagnant. We must obey the Father and alter our lives so we are glorifying Him in every way. Each footstep, no matter how small or big, pulls us closer to the His heart and the plans He has for us.

"Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and He will flee from you. Come near to God and He will come near to you!" (James 4:7-8)

I've been in a season of waiting and learning. During this time, the Lord has spoken to me and showed me the things I need to let go of in order to become closer to Him. I've fought, complained, and nagged at the Lord for making these things the "deer in the headlights" in my line of sight. But after praying and letting His Living Word seep further and further into my heart, my lips have silenced. My selfishness lost the battle. I'm ready to plunge into the deep end and experience a greater glimpse of the Lord's touch on my life.

"If you look for me WHOLEHEARTEDLY you will find me." (Jeremiah 29:13)

At The Lord's Feet

As the morning of my grandma's surgery sneaks up closer and closer, I am becoming even more and more terrified. I fear the thought of her coming out of the surgery weak and unhealthy. I am afraid that her body will collapse during the middle of the surgery, and that the doctors won't know what to do during it. Fear is welling up inside of me like a fire, and I can't seem to contain it.

I've never experienced anything more tragic than this.

I've never experienced the death of a close friend or family member.

I've never walked alongside someone going through cancer.

I've never seen extreme suffering firsthand.

I know I may sound weak, but to be completely honest... I am. I swell up at the most minor of incidents. I cry at the flash of a gun being shot or a mother screaming at her child.

But guess what? The Lord pours out His strength during the moments I stumble! He picks me up, and whispers this into my ear:

"[Child], my grace is sufficient for you. My power is made perfect in weakness." (2 Cor. 12:9)

The Lord is directly telling me that His grace is ENOUGH. Enough! What does that mean? It means that His grace fulfills what is needed without being in excess. His graces spills into my cup, and when it is full to the brim, His power explodes out of every wall in my life.

In the same passage, Paul goes on to write: "For when I am weak, then I am strong." (2 Cor. 12:10)

When I surrender everything to the Lord at His feet and give up all control of my life, then the door is open for the Lord's strength and power to sweep in and move mountains.

The Lord has been teaching me a lot about sacrifice. He's taught me that all sacrifice needs to be done with a heart of worship first and foremost, and that love and justice should be at the core of it. But the thing I've learned that's the most essential is that sacrifice needs to be COMPLETE. It can't just be half-heartily, or even 99%. It needs to be total surrender at the foot of the cross. Otherwise there will be things you'll still be holding onto that will hinder you from following the Lord the entire way.

As I wrestle through this moment in my life, I need to continue to learn how to lay everything down in my life. And not just my future and my strengths - but my weaknesses as well. EVERYTHING. The whole package.

I struggle with giving the Lord control, and that's something I'm asking the Lord to stretch me with. I want to be able to fully let god and let God! That's been my motto recently. It flashes on my screen background every time I switch on my laptop, and it's been tapering almost every page of my journal for the past month.

Don't hold back anymore. Release the ties that are holding you onto worldly things. If you are encountering fear, anxiety, sadness, stress, etc... these feelings are not from the Lord! They are from the enemy, and it means you aren't fully counting on God. Make the Lord your comfort zone. He knows the situation and the best outcome, no matter what it is. He is good and faithful, and will never fail you!

"My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." (Psalm 73:26)

Sickness Of Myself

What surrounds you?
Every morning after I wake up to the obnoxious ringing of my phone alarm, my eyelids crack open to the wide and messy, yet homey and artsy room around me. I sit up on the striped magenta sheets in the corner of the room and use my dresser as a stepladder to reach the floor. My two roommates are usually sleeping at the time I start gearing up for the day.
I walk to my desk, grab my shower basket, a towel, and my toothbrush, and head out the door into the hall that leads to the bathroom. I return and grab a pair of jeans and a shirt that catches my eye for the day. Then I bust out the door, my colorful black star backpacked packed to the bulge with my laptop, notebook, folder, and books.
In these mere 30 minutes of the beginning of a typical weekday for me, hundreds of objects flash before my eyes without my awareness. A yellow photo frame painted with baby blue and pink flowers on it, displaying a glossy photo of one of my best friends and me ice skating at Centennial Lakes last February. A can of linen-scented Febreeze sitting on the edge of my wardrobe. A shiny bronze penny in the middle of the rugged and stained blue carpet.
And those are only three of the thousands of possessions that fill our room. It is obvious that we live in a very materialistic country. Americans are always cashing in their latest paycheck for the newest fashion trend, technology rave, or entertainment option.
I am victim to this myself. It doesn't help working at a retail store when my employee discount is 30% on top of the already reduced prices. I typically buy at least one piece of clothing every two weeks. And it doesn't just stop at my job. When I make my bi-weekly grocery stop at Target, I always browse the Dollar Section to see if I can find anything worth buying, typically unnecessary objects, but enlightening nonetheless. These purchases, though minimal, add up in the long run.
It makes me ponder: Why do I spend my money on what I do? Do I really NEED the items I'm buying?
Then I am reminded of the 925 million people who experience hunger every day. I am reminded of the one in four children that don't get the nutrition they need on a daily basis.
I am tired of seeing pictures of babies with protruding rib cages, inflated stomachs, and arms and legs as thin as needles! It makes me angry that dirt pies are the common diet for children in Sudan. There is injustice in the world and I want to do something about it.
And so I evaluate my own life. I look at my surroundings, my possessions that dot every corner of my dorm room... and I am unsatisfied. I still have things on my "wish" list. I look at at the multiple cafeteria lines with countless meal options, consisting of meats, pizza, salads, cereal... and I complain. I nag about the terrible quality of our college's catering services. I go to work and chat with my fellow co-workers... and we whine about how we would rather be somewhere else. We aren't thankful for our job.
These are only a few significant examples of my life that I accuse myself of daily. It makes me want to puke because of how selfish I am. My sinful nature still rules inside of me, even though the Lord has made me a new creation. This is a result of The Fall, when Adam and Eve ate the fruit of the tree of life.
I don't want to live like this, though! I don't want to rant about all of the problems I face everyday in my worldview. I don't want to be negative or pessimistic. I don't want to become drive by materialism any longer.
I want to bring joy, encouragement and truth! I want to see through eyes of thankfulness. I want to be reminded of the blessings the Lord has given me daily. I want to delight in everything the Lord has provided me with - a family, friends, education, a job, etc.! I have nothing to complain about when I am confronted with the injustices of the world.
I need to shift my attention towards those in need instead. I need to desire to give of myself so they can experience the same joy and happiness I feel.
What can I do?

• Instead of purchasing unnecessary things, such as a coffee drink for an outing with a friend or that gorgeous dress that went clearance this week that I think I might absolutely need, I will set aside that money to sponsor a non-profit.
• Only eat the minimum amount of food needed for a healthy daily nutrition intake. This means only water to drink, and no desserts.
• Silencing my voice and asking deep, open-ended questions focuses on others. Asking them about their day, their interests, their dreams. Less of me and more of them. Because they are more interesting than me.

These are some possible challenges I can take on. I will reflect over these the next few days by bringing them to the Lord and asking Him how He wants to challenge me. Are these the right steps to take? What can I do in order to bring glory to His name and help His people?

40 Days

Recently the Lord has been tugging on my heart about SACRIFICE. What does it mean? And what am I willing to sacrifice on a personal level?
Today was the official start for the 40-day period of Lent. Many people in the church will be giving up something in these next 40 days, whether for the right reasons or not. Soda, chocolate, and Facebook are common things that people fast.
Days before this season, I had no idea I would be participating in such a ritualistic observance. I didn't grow up Catholic or Lutheran, so I had no experience with Lent. One day when I was browsing my Facebook newsfeed, an ad in the sidebar caught my attention. It was for World Vision ACT:S. I decided to click on it and look into it more.
World Vision ACT:S is a 6-week challenge over the period of Lent to explore how acts of service can reorient our everyday lives. The launching pad for the challenge was to define "sacrifice" and read Romans 12:1-2. This is what those verses say:
"Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and proper worship. Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will."
The Lord desires to be close with us. In fact, He is jealous for us. He didn't just create us in His image to boast about us! He sent His only Son to die on the cross for our sins and give us eternal life (John 3:16). Now THAT's what you call the ultimate act of love and sacrifice! The cross is a symbol of divine romance. Jesus laid down His life for us. He went through unbearable amounts of pain and suffered for every sin - the white lies, the murders, the gossip... EVERY wrongdoing - of every person that ever did and will walk this earth. That's pure love.
This perfect and holy act of sacrifice compels me to do the same for the glory of the Lord. No, I'm not going to go out and crucify myself on a tree. But I won't be afraid of persecution if it comes to that. I will live a life of righteousness to honor my King and my Father!
How am I going to do that? After thinking through the many things I could sacrifice and the reasons why I would do each, I narrowed it down to this:
I will give up all Internet use except for homework, blogging, e-mail, and ACT:S updates. I will not use the Internet as a "filler" for gaps of time that are both short and long when I have nothing else to do. Instead, I will dedicate that time to the Lord through prayer, reading the Scriptures, fellowshipping with other believers, loving on others, speaking words of encouragement, listening, writing, acting humbly, serving, and being real.
This act of sacrifice will not be easy. It's going to hurt and push me beyond my norm. It's going to require selflessness. I'm going to have to get rid of the "me, me, me" syndrome that's been governing my mind for a long time now. It will be a spiritual battle.
But I know with the Lord by my side and the Holy Spirit living inside of me, I will be able to persevere through these next 40 days! Even though I may fall, I will not give up. I will stay strongly rooted in the Lord and keep my eyes focused on Him.
I don't need to schedule out a huge chunk of my day for the Lord. It's definitely beneficial if I do and the Lord rejoices in that; however, the Lord desires my ENTIRE day! He yearns for bits and pieces of every hour, so that's what I'm going to give Him. I'm going to strive to see Jesus in every moment of my day. I'm going to be a beacon of joy in a place of hopelessness. I'm going to thank the Lord for His beautiful creation surrounding me. I'm going to sprinkle words of encouragement and comfort to the broken.
And even if I stumble, I will not be discouraged. I will be comforted by His grace and keep trying. It will be a process but I am excited for the journey the Lord will take me on during this time. I am the Lord's.

Flames

You won't relent until You have it all
My heart is Yours

The lyrics spiral off my lips once again during another Sunday worship service. My hands are raised in surrender to the Lord, and tears begin to mat my face. I am in the Lord's presence. But what am I really singing? I am declaring full submission to the Lord. Am I really going to follow through on this?
Doubt beings to flood my mind. The enemy rattles off the lies once again.
You are such a hypocrite. You act like you love the Lord and rejoice with thanksgiving during worship, but when you leave this place you're going to slip again. Just watch. I'll throw another obstacle in your way and you won't be able to live out what you're declaring now. What a wimp.

I try to stop the negative thoughts rolling through my brain. I keep mouthing the words on the screen and declaring promises of the Lord found in Scripture over me. The language of my heart becomes the language of Scripture and the Holy Spirit.

The song continues.

Come be the fire inside of me
Until You and I are one

I am asking the Lord to fill me up. I am asking him to burn inside of me.

You know what's neat? The analogy of a fire. We are declaring the Lord to dwell inside of us as a fire when we sing this song. A fire!
I did a little research on fires. The definition of fire is: "the rapid oxidation of a material in the chemical process of combustion, releasing heat, light, and various reaction products." That brings us back to high school chemistry class, doesn't it? Haha. Okay, let's dissect this.
Oxidation is the process of oxygen combining with a chemical. In my little analogy, let's call us the chemicals. When we experience the Lord and become ONE with Him, combustion occurs. Spiritual combustion. Spiritual combustion is an outcome of steadfast prayer, devotion, sacrifice, worship, thanksgiving, service, fellowship... Any of the spiritual disciplines that the Lord calls us to.
But what exactly results from a spiritual combustion?

I am reminded of the verse in Malachi 3:3: "He will sit as a refiner and purifier of silver." God is the silver smith and we are the silver he works with. My roommate posted this story from an anonymous source that relates to this analogy:

As a woman watched the silver smith, he held a piece of silver over the fire and let it heat up. He explained that in refining silver, one needed to hold the silver in the middle of the fire where the flames were hottest as to burn away all the impurities. The woman thought about God holding us in such a hot spot - then she thought again about the verse, that he sits as a refiner and purifier of silver.

She asked the silver smith if it was true that he had to sit there in front of the fire the whole time the silver was being refined. The man answered that yes, he not only had to sit there holding the silver, but he had to keep his eyes on the silver the entire time it was in the fire. If the silver was left even a moment too long in the flames, it would be destroyed. The woman was silent for a moment. Then she asked the silver smith, "How do you know when the silver is fully refined?"
He smiled at her and answered, "Oh, that's easy - when I see my image in it."

Pause for a second. Think about that. Are there moments in your life when it seems like all walls are crashing down on you and you can't seem to break through? Probably, yeah. But you know what? God's got His eyes and hands on us. He's watching us through every battle, every pain, and every sadness. And his grip on us will never loosen. The Lord is the mighty and careful silver smith who pays close attention to each one of His creations.

And those difficult moments? He'll pull us out when the time is right. He's allow just enough pain and suffering, and then rescue us so we can "go out into all the earth" and proclaim our story of restoration and deliverance to others. For it is by the blood of the lamb and the word of our testimony that we change the world.

The Devil's Puppet

10 o'clock on a Wednesday night. The spacious room is dimly lit with college-aged students scattered throughout the aisles on both the ground level and balcony. The stage floor illuminates the spotlights off the glossy wood floor, reflecting a magnificent grand piano in its shadows. About nine minutes past the hour, a girl walks up on stage with a microphone in hand. She opens her heart and shares what God has placed on it, and gives the next two hours over to a girl on piano. The soft, melodic notes resonate off the large paneled walls and drift throughout the sanctuary to the darkness looming in the back. Voices cry out to the Lord; hands protrude into the air; songs of praise among soprano, alto, tenor, and bass blend together; whispers bounce back between brothers and sisters of Christ. It is the most intimate experience between a believer and the Lord.
I scrunch myself up between two rows of chairs, my back resting against the rough cloth and my barefoot feet clinging to the carpet. I hug my legs and bury my face into my arms.
I begin to talk to the Lord. I talk to Him like a normal human being, nothing fancy. Hey God, I'm here. I've had a rough week, but I'm ready to be refreshed and start anew. What do you want to say? My ears are open.

I listen. Still, the same voices and music consume my hearing. I dodge off the distractions that knock on my mind. I want to stay focused on the Lord.
Then the image pops into my head. Jesus praying at the garden of Gethsemane before his arrest.
I dig out my Bible and flip the pages to Matthew, where I thumb through each headline (I haven't memorized the New Testament). After a minute or two, my eyes rest upon the passage in Matthew 26. The scene of Jesus' arrest.
I mouth the words, one by one, delicately pronouncing each word so I can paint a picture of the scene in my head.
---

Jesus takes the disciples to Gethsemane, and then leaves them to go pray in solitude. He becomes overwhelmed with sorrow, and asks Peter and the two sons of Zebedee to keep watch on him.

Once he is parted from the disciples, he falls on his face and prays:

"My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me. Yet not as I will, but as you will." -Matthew 26:39
Whoa. Hold up. Let's read that again. "Yet not as I will, but as YOU will." Key word there? YOU. As in   "the Father" in this context.
Going back to the first sentence, Jesus is crying out to God asking Him to take the burden of sin off him. That's what the cup is. He is pleading for God to intervene in the moment so he won't have to suffer on Calvary.
But then he totally flips parallels in the second sentence. He surrenders himself and his plans, and gives ultimate control to God. He gives up his desires and feelings; they don't matter anymore. All that matters is the will of the Lord.
Jesus returns to the disciples and finds them sleeping. Then he goes back a second and third time and prays the same prayer. He is steadfast.
Then a large crowd of elders and priests, led by Judas, comes and arrests Jesus. His response? "Do what you came for, friend." -Matthew 2:50

Jesus is taken away. When he arrives before the Sanhedrin, he is questioned, threatened, beaten, and mocked. This continues until he is ultimately crucified on the cross. His suffering ends with nails impounded in his hands and feet, and a crown of thorns nestled on his head.
The end.
---
I return to the moment. Eyes washed with drops of tears and hands shaken, I close my Bible and clasp my hands together. I begin to think.
What a powerful story. Jesus emptied himself of ALL selfish desires and feelings.

Point to consider: Jesus REALLY didn't want to suffer. He begged his Father in heaven to spare him! He trembled and fell to the ground with sorrow. He was overwhelmed with sorrow; He did not want to die for humanity's sin.
But he did. He faced fear in the face. He surrendered himself to the plan God had already written. He let loose of all strings tying him to rebellion.

Jesus' reaction in the moments before he was arrested displays the best representation of sacrifice. Why?
1. He was carrying the sin of the ENTIRE world -- that's every human's sin that was, is, and was yet to come at the time. He held onto the weighty cup God placed on his shoulders and endured endless amounts of pain for the salvation of humankind.

2. It was Jesus. Jesus was created holy and perfect in the image of God -- conceived by the virgin Mary through the Holy Spirit. He was fully man and fully God at the same time. Although he was flawless and never sinned, he was "overwhelmed with sadness" at the fact of giving his life for the salvation of humankind. Even Jesus was troubled.

When I reflect upon Jesus' sacrifice, my worries and struggles become so much less significant. The things I'm dealing with are worth nothing compared to what Jesus went through. Yet, I still hold on to my worries and allow the enemy to keep speaking lies into my head. I remain a puppet of Satan, when Jesus was able to sacrifice his entire body and spirit for the ugliness of the world.
Why do I do this? Why can't I trust the Lord and give Him COMPLETE control of my life?
Fear and selfishness. Those are the two biggies. I'm afraid that if I follow God's plan for my life I won't get what I want, I won't make enough money, and I'll ultimately fail. I'm scared of altering my dream for God's Kingdom. This all ties back to this fact: As humans, we are so consumed with being the BEST. We want to get our hands on the fanciest set of wheels; we want to achieve the highest position at a well-paying job; we want to buy a huge house and everything that comes with it. Et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. The list goes on and on. Our wants our infinite, and they can never be satisfied.

So, how can we pull away from this human phenomena of "me me me" syndrome and put our life plan in God's hands?
Let me go back to the Bible. Matthew 26:41: "Watch and pray so that you will not fall into temptation. The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak." Jesus speaks this to the disciples when he finds them sleeping after his return.
I think this command can also apply to our lives. We need to be on constant alert for opportunities to be Jesus to people. We need to walk with the Spirit guiding our every motive and desire. We need to govern our thoughts with discernment and the authority of the Lord. Even though we are weak and fallen beings, we can OVERCOME our selfishness and fears with the Lord by our side. When we commit the little things, such as praying for 10 minutes a day; opening and closing your day with a Bible verse; and other such things to the Lord, He will totally speak through that. We should also think long-term and big picture, too. We should ask the Lord for eyes of love and compassion, so we see the goodness in others and can uplift them. We should speaks words of kindness and be humble in our actions. And lastly, glorify and praise the Lord with a grateful heart for everything He's already done, doing, and will be doing in the future!
That's how you start cutting the ropes off the devil's hold on you. You are no longer his puppet; instead, you become God's servant with His power overflowing through you.

Thistles & Weeds

I'm curled up in a blanket on the empty bed in our room. It's kind of nice having extra space and a place to relax that's not my top bunk or my desk chair. Kinda like a temporary couch.
It's been a good past few days. The Lord has done some pretty cool stuff. And I've spent time with some wonderful people in my life. :)
During chapel yesterday, one of the favorite faculty members among the students spoke. His message was empowering, as always, and my journal became filled up with Bible verses and inspirational quotes. But I wasn't expecting to stay an entire hour after the service ended.
Usually, I stick around for maybe 20 or 30 minutes. Fridays are the famous "prayer and fasting days" at my school. I have an unwritten tradition: I sit cross-legged tightly between two rows of chairs and dig out my journal and Bible. I fill the pages with thought, whether it be words or pictures or anything my pencil is able to transmit onto paper from my mind. I am a sucker for writing.
As the minutes passed by, I found myself stuck on a question. What do I need to sacrifice in order to reach the full potential the Lord has for my life?
The speaker had mentioned this term "PURSUIT OF CHRIST". It ties back to Paul's message in Philippians 4:8: "I press on towards the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus" (NIV). But that is the only the second half of this overwhelming term.
The first half? Forgetting what lies behind. A.K.A., getting rid of the junk and making more room for the Lord! This is essential in our pursuit for a deeper relationship with the Lord. If we truly desire to follow the Lord more passionately and surrender everything for His calling on our life, then we will be steadfast in repentance.
And take note, forgetting won't happen instantly. It's a process (thus, why the suffix "-ing" is important). We'll look back, reflect, forgive, and forgive, and then maybe the next day we'll pretend like it never happened. Our human nature is to dwell on the past and how it once was.
It doesn't have to be this way. You can be earnestly seeking after the Lord and resting your failures at His feet. He'll always pour out an abundance of grace on you and pull you back to Him. He'll always accept you, even if you continue to make mistakes.
So press on. Press on towards the call that the Lord has given you!
My dream (or call) is to go overseas and fight world hunger alongside a nonprofit ministry such as Feed My Starving Children. I don't intend on stopping anywhere short of this vision. I will keep pushing, no matter what I have to do, to get there. I will listen to the Lord's voice and let Him guide my steps.
But I must get past this first step: releasing myself from the things binding me to the world. Although the Lord took me through a season of restoration this past semester, there are still things blocking me from reaching the Lord's plan for me. Barricades are stamped on my path, and I need the Lord's help to push them aside.
Two of the biggest obstacles now? I'm going to be vulnerable with you and tell you.
1. Nurturing a hate for others. I suffer from a serious case of judging others based on their outer appearance and attitudes. I also blame other people if they aren't friendly to me in public.
2. Finding my identity in guys and not the Lord. I yearn for their attention in order to keep up my happiness. I find satisfaction in talking and spending time with guys more than girls.
This is my current junk. The nasty stuff clogging my path from a deep and intimate relationship with the Lord. It has to go. I need to toss it in the trash and say "goodbye" to it. It's time to love others with a real, Christ-like love and find my identity in the Lord. I am a beloved bride of Christ and He has created me wonderfully and beautifully!
I looked up at the clock at 1:00 p.m. with my mind flustered in thought. Whoa God, you've been tugging at stuff in me. I unveiled truths that need to be re-instilled into me. Daily. I need to foster a healthy environment in order to strengthen my relationship with the Lord. If I continue to walk through a path of thistles and weeds, then I won't be able to fulfill my calling for the Lord. So I will learn how to surrender; I will learn how to give; I will learn how to seek after the Lord passionately. And I will never stop, even if my path does become totally clear.