Wound

I went to Dunn Bros. with my dear friend yesterday. Over icy fruit smoothies in the 95 degrees heat, we exchanged thoughts about life and the season Lord had been taking each of us through.

As I described the battle between my spirit and my flesh I've been fighting this summer, she mentioned something that struck me. I had heard it at least a dozen times before, but I never had seen it through the lenses she unveiled:

Paul had a thorn in his flesh he had to live with, and the Lord wouldn't take it away. Even though he prayed over and over for it to be removed, it remained.
But instead of moaning and complaining about the thorn, Paul chose to live humbly and DELIGHTED in his weakness.
He delighted in weakness? What? That is so absurd to the human mind. Why would you delight over sickness, pain, persecution, abandonment, or any other difficulty?
But Paul knew that when he was weak, then he was strong. Because Christ reminded Paul that His power rested on him when he yielded himself in all his brokenness to Him.

"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." (2 Corinthians 12:9)

Just think about that. The Lord's power is made perfect -- flawless, complete, whole -- in our lives when we lay ourselves before His feet in all of our brokenness. When we put on a mask and pretend that everything is okay, we limit the work of the Lord in our lives. When we are strong in ourselves, the strength that the Lord offers is dismissed.
In weakness is where we are bestowed strength to overcome. Not strength of our own, but strength that only comes from the Lord above -- strength that is mightier than a thousand armies and fiercer than that of a hurricane.

After hearing those words from my friend, I realized that the battle I've been fighting has caused a thorn in my flesh. And just like Paul, maybe it won't go away. Maybe it will be something I need to face daily. Maybe it's something I'll continually have to surrender at the feet of Jesus when I wake up every morning, dying to my flesh in order to receive His power and walk in the freedom He brings
But you know what? God's grace is sufficient for me, and it's okay if I struggle. It's okay if I wear this wound.

It's just like Tenth Avenue North sings in their song, "The Struggle":
Hallelujah we are free to struggle
But we're not struggling to be free

I am not bound by my weakness. I am not locked in a cage anymore. No, I'm like a bird with a broken wing flying free! Although I am injured and my weakness drags me to the ground sometimes, I'm not chained up anymore.
Even though every day is a challenge and I fail more times than I can count, it's God's grace and an attitude of perseverance that keeps me going.

"For though a righteous man falls seven times, HE RISES AGAIN." (Proverbs 24:16)

Today I'm going to rise up again. Although every day is a battle, and this wound pierces beyond my flesh into my spirit, I will continue to let His power rest on me in my weakness. I will come before Him with a broken spirit and allow His grace to wash away any shame or guilt I feel.

Abba, thank you for weakness. For without weakness, my trust in you would falter.

Grocery Store

Ready, set, go! Grocery shopping time. You park the mini van in the parking lot and hustle in, list-in-hand and ready to dash through the aisles in record time. Immediately after the door opens, you grab a cart and scramble down the produce aisle. Finally, you make your way through the meat, deli, dairy and dry food departments until making your way into the checkout line.

You must be wondering why I've described such a well-known weekly activity among Americans. Almost every family does it, whether they bring their kids to cry through the whole experience or if it's just mom picking up a gallon of 2% milk after work so breakfast can still exist in the morning. Not much thought or emotion is put into the trip.

That's unless memories are carved into that place. When we are brought back to locations of our past, flashbacks slide through our minds of who we once were at that point in time and the chills start to run through our back.

Ambling through the aisles of the grocery store and being stared down by half of the employees automatically thrust those thoughts into my head. Just because I used to date one of the dairy boys.

Surroundings from our past have a keen ability to haunt us of "what once was". Although their appearance may change with time, the exact location does not. A capsule of time is ground into that portion of space.

If you've even gone back to your childhood home or your old elementary school, it would be a similar experience. You remember running through the sprinkler with your siblings on the lawn during the summer, or being put in detention in Mrs. Axel's classroom for two hours after school. Your mind becomes a roll of colored film.

Sometimes past experiences can be joyous and delightful; other times experiences can be painful and quarrelsome with our current self.

Such as times when we started ignoring a friend at school because they weren't "cool" enough for us anymore.

Or in our teenage years when we used to cut during the late hours of night in our room.

Or in the car at the park when we had sex with that guy.

Visiting these places in our past can be a deep struggle and bring a huge amount of regret.

But God didn't create us to live with a guilty conscience. His Son died on the cross so that we may be SAVED from our sin... our past.

"There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus." -Romans 8:1

We are justified and redeemed through the blood of the Lamb. We have been made holy and righteous with Him! Nothing can separate us from the Lord. No lie. No failure. No sin. NOTHING.

This doesn't mean we are forever broken free from our past, however. God still allows us to walk through adversity and hardship so we can learn to put our full trust in Him and experience His grace abundantly.

If we didn't struggle with anything, then we wouldn't have any reason for a Savior.

All believers have some kind of junk on their plate. Whether it's presently visible or hidden in the shadows of the past, everyone has their secrets.

The thing that makes some stronger than others is how they deal with their junk. Do they give it to the Lord, or do they mope around with it all day, whining and complaining about their consistent failures?

When we hand our weaknesses over to the Lord, then His strength is made complete in those weaknesses. There's something mysterious and powerful about laying our sin down at the foot of the cross. The Lord picks it up, puts it on His shoulders, and with a smile He says, "Child, you have been made whole."

We don't need to compare ourselves anymore to the person we were in our past. In 2 Corinthians 5:17, Paul writes that we have been transformed into a new creation!

Live in that truth. Allow the Lord to release you of your past burdens, and walk free knowing full well His furious and passionate love for you!

"But those who trust in the Lord will find new strength. They will soar high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint." -Isaiah 40:31

Letters

Last Friday, Craig Gross from XXX Church came to speak at my school. He helps people struggling with sex and pornography get out of that lifestyle and become pure again. At the end of his message, he talked about a challenge he puts each of his clients through. They write a letter from their addiction to themselves, and then write a letter back to that sin proclaiming truth and freedom.
As I was worshiping the Lord tonight, this idea of writing a letter to my struggle came to mind. It's been something I've been wrestling with for as long as I can remember, but I've never been able to approach it head on. We were singing "Break Every Chain" by Jesus Culture, and the worship leader was talking to us about how we needed to release ourselves from the things tying us down. My mind began to float, and I realized my chains were plain in front of my face: my insecurity. It's been holding me back from seeing who I am FULLY in the eyes of the Lord and not letting other people get in the way of that.
So I wrote a letter to it. This is the very first copy, straight word-for-word from my journal. I know I haven't overcome it yet, and this is the first of many letters yet to come, but I feel the twine has been loosened on my feet and my wrists.

Dear Insecurity,
You have grappled with me long enough. I am free from you! You don't define me anymore. My worth and identity are found in the Lord!
I don't need to live up to the world's expectations of me.
I don't need to pretend that my life is perfect.
I don't need to compare myself to others.
The Lord has created me beautiful, strong and unique! I am His beloved, His child. He will never leave me nor forsake me. He will wrap His lovingkindness around me like eagle's wings.

"How precious is Your lovingkindness, O God! And the children of men take refuge in the shadow of Your wings." (Psalm 36:7)

You won't conquer my thoughts or feelings anymore. I will rebuke you with truth from the holy and living Word of God! The slander and judgment from others are lies and deception from the enemy. The Lord did not create you, Insecurity. You are from the pit of hell and I command in the name of Jesus that you go back to that place! You have no right to occupy my life anymore.
I am worth more than the stars in the sky, more beautiful than Solomon's robes, more precious than gold and silver. I am a warrior princess that the Lord has raised up from the dead! I am no longer dead to sin, but Christ reigns IN me.

"For sin shall not be your master, because you are not under law, but under grace." (Romans 6:14)

Your victim-no-more,
Rebekah

Broken

I wasn't expecting it; I didn't want to feel it. But obviously God had a different plan.

It was a week-and-a-half ago on a Friday night. Every Friday night, a student-run casual street evangelism outreach at my school -- called Encounter -- walks to the Block E district of Minneapolis to talk and pray with people who are partying and drinking at the clubs. I got involved with the ministry last year, and have been going ever since. I've probably been to at least a dozen Encounters.

This Friday was different. I was hanging out with my friend Becka in Uptown before meeting up for prayer at 10:00 p.m. We were walking down to The Beat, and all of a sudden I started feeling pains in my stomach. It couldn't have been the food I had eaten earlier, and I hadn't been sick all day. Despite the continuous pains, I kept walking until we got to The Beat. By the time we left, the pains had gotten worse, but they were still bearable. I hopped into Becka's car and drove back to school. We met up with the rest of the group at 10:30 p.m.

During worship and prayer, I began pacing back and forth in prayer, and then squatted down against the wall with my hands covering my face. The pains had become excruciating. I was almost in tears.

Lord, why am I feeling this way? I don't understand; I've never felt this way before Encounter.

Typically during Encounter, I feel empowered and filled with the Holy Spirit to go out on the streets and love on the lost sons and daughters of the Father. This night I felt the opposite. I was hurting and torn, totally unprepared to go out (as I thought).

Jake gathered the entire room in a circle for corporate prayer. He asked how everyone was doing and if the Lord was speaking to them, and I couldn't hold back. The burden was overwhelming. As I started to explain how I felt to my sisters and brothers in Christ, I started tearing up. I was surrounded by the loving arms of my dearest sisters in Christ. One of them approached me and told me that the pain I was feeling was for the people we were about the encounter on the streets.

Yes, of course! That makes sense. But why?

I started to grasp why the Lord was sharing a bit of His brokenness with me, but I didn't know how it would change my perspective -- until we reached the darkest corners of downtown Minneapolis.

We arrived in the Block E around midnight. My partner Becka and I walked to First Ave. right away. There was a heavy presence of spiritual darkness we could sense over the venue. We started to pray at a street corner for the brokenness we saw. After 10 minutes of prayer, we walked to the light rail platform near Sneaky Pete's. We sat down on a bench and "people watched" while continuing to pray in the Spirit for the Lord's lost sheep surrounding us.

A small thin girl wearing a tiny gold dress was sitting across from us with two men. The men kept harassing her, and she kept swearing at them all the while still letting them say these rude things to her. The group was obviously drunk, but it was still incredibly difficult to watch the girl receive this kind of treatment. There were similar situations everywhere we looked.

This Friday night was a night of prayer. We didn't get to talk to anyone about the Lord, but the Lord shared a piece of His heart with us. He specifically spoke to me about the unconditional and powerful love He has for His people.

"But God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us." -Romans 5:8

God's love is INCREDIBLE. What sticks out to me in this verse is the extent God's love goes for us -- He sacrificed His only Son for us on a tree!

The death of Jesus Christ is the ultimate symbol of true love. He died for all the sins of humankind that were in the past, and were to come in the future! Every. Single. Sin.

This kind of love is immeasurable to human standards. No man can even love His wife this much. Although we can earnestly seek after the Lord and desire after His heart, we will always fall short of true love.

Just imagine the pain and the brokenness the Father feels for his lost sons and daughters who are still in the shadows. He groans at the thought that they have turned their backs from Him; Satan has literally shielded their eyes with a veil preventing them from seeing the glory of the Lord. Only God Himself can tear the veil!

But guess what? The Lord tore the veil on the night of Jesus' death.

"At that moment the curtain of the temple was torn in two from top to bottom. The earth shook and the rocks split." - Matthew 27:51

That means the Lord can rip apart the veil blocking every person's soul and spirit from experiencing the love of the Father! The Lord loves His sons and daughters -- for they were created in His very image (Genesis 1:27). He is jealous for them and pursues after them, but we as believers MUST be willing to obey the Lord and the calling He has placed on our lives in order for them to come home to the Father. We must "go into all the world and preach the good news to all creation" (Mark 16:15). This involves two major things:

1. Sharing the Good News to the lost people of the world with love and compassion.

2. Prayer.

As the night concluded on Friday, the burden started to drift away from my heart. I started to feel relieved and more at peace -- but only because I responded to the message the Lord was speaking to me. He showed me His brokenness and compelled me to stretch myself even more as I share the good news with the people I bump into on a day-to-day basis.

Sickness Of Myself

What surrounds you?
Every morning after I wake up to the obnoxious ringing of my phone alarm, my eyelids crack open to the wide and messy, yet homey and artsy room around me. I sit up on the striped magenta sheets in the corner of the room and use my dresser as a stepladder to reach the floor. My two roommates are usually sleeping at the time I start gearing up for the day.
I walk to my desk, grab my shower basket, a towel, and my toothbrush, and head out the door into the hall that leads to the bathroom. I return and grab a pair of jeans and a shirt that catches my eye for the day. Then I bust out the door, my colorful black star backpacked packed to the bulge with my laptop, notebook, folder, and books.
In these mere 30 minutes of the beginning of a typical weekday for me, hundreds of objects flash before my eyes without my awareness. A yellow photo frame painted with baby blue and pink flowers on it, displaying a glossy photo of one of my best friends and me ice skating at Centennial Lakes last February. A can of linen-scented Febreeze sitting on the edge of my wardrobe. A shiny bronze penny in the middle of the rugged and stained blue carpet.
And those are only three of the thousands of possessions that fill our room. It is obvious that we live in a very materialistic country. Americans are always cashing in their latest paycheck for the newest fashion trend, technology rave, or entertainment option.
I am victim to this myself. It doesn't help working at a retail store when my employee discount is 30% on top of the already reduced prices. I typically buy at least one piece of clothing every two weeks. And it doesn't just stop at my job. When I make my bi-weekly grocery stop at Target, I always browse the Dollar Section to see if I can find anything worth buying, typically unnecessary objects, but enlightening nonetheless. These purchases, though minimal, add up in the long run.
It makes me ponder: Why do I spend my money on what I do? Do I really NEED the items I'm buying?
Then I am reminded of the 925 million people who experience hunger every day. I am reminded of the one in four children that don't get the nutrition they need on a daily basis.
I am tired of seeing pictures of babies with protruding rib cages, inflated stomachs, and arms and legs as thin as needles! It makes me angry that dirt pies are the common diet for children in Sudan. There is injustice in the world and I want to do something about it.
And so I evaluate my own life. I look at my surroundings, my possessions that dot every corner of my dorm room... and I am unsatisfied. I still have things on my "wish" list. I look at at the multiple cafeteria lines with countless meal options, consisting of meats, pizza, salads, cereal... and I complain. I nag about the terrible quality of our college's catering services. I go to work and chat with my fellow co-workers... and we whine about how we would rather be somewhere else. We aren't thankful for our job.
These are only a few significant examples of my life that I accuse myself of daily. It makes me want to puke because of how selfish I am. My sinful nature still rules inside of me, even though the Lord has made me a new creation. This is a result of The Fall, when Adam and Eve ate the fruit of the tree of life.
I don't want to live like this, though! I don't want to rant about all of the problems I face everyday in my worldview. I don't want to be negative or pessimistic. I don't want to become drive by materialism any longer.
I want to bring joy, encouragement and truth! I want to see through eyes of thankfulness. I want to be reminded of the blessings the Lord has given me daily. I want to delight in everything the Lord has provided me with - a family, friends, education, a job, etc.! I have nothing to complain about when I am confronted with the injustices of the world.
I need to shift my attention towards those in need instead. I need to desire to give of myself so they can experience the same joy and happiness I feel.
What can I do?

• Instead of purchasing unnecessary things, such as a coffee drink for an outing with a friend or that gorgeous dress that went clearance this week that I think I might absolutely need, I will set aside that money to sponsor a non-profit.
• Only eat the minimum amount of food needed for a healthy daily nutrition intake. This means only water to drink, and no desserts.
• Silencing my voice and asking deep, open-ended questions focuses on others. Asking them about their day, their interests, their dreams. Less of me and more of them. Because they are more interesting than me.

These are some possible challenges I can take on. I will reflect over these the next few days by bringing them to the Lord and asking Him how He wants to challenge me. Are these the right steps to take? What can I do in order to bring glory to His name and help His people?

Thistles & Weeds

I'm curled up in a blanket on the empty bed in our room. It's kind of nice having extra space and a place to relax that's not my top bunk or my desk chair. Kinda like a temporary couch.
It's been a good past few days. The Lord has done some pretty cool stuff. And I've spent time with some wonderful people in my life. :)
During chapel yesterday, one of the favorite faculty members among the students spoke. His message was empowering, as always, and my journal became filled up with Bible verses and inspirational quotes. But I wasn't expecting to stay an entire hour after the service ended.
Usually, I stick around for maybe 20 or 30 minutes. Fridays are the famous "prayer and fasting days" at my school. I have an unwritten tradition: I sit cross-legged tightly between two rows of chairs and dig out my journal and Bible. I fill the pages with thought, whether it be words or pictures or anything my pencil is able to transmit onto paper from my mind. I am a sucker for writing.
As the minutes passed by, I found myself stuck on a question. What do I need to sacrifice in order to reach the full potential the Lord has for my life?
The speaker had mentioned this term "PURSUIT OF CHRIST". It ties back to Paul's message in Philippians 4:8: "I press on towards the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus" (NIV). But that is the only the second half of this overwhelming term.
The first half? Forgetting what lies behind. A.K.A., getting rid of the junk and making more room for the Lord! This is essential in our pursuit for a deeper relationship with the Lord. If we truly desire to follow the Lord more passionately and surrender everything for His calling on our life, then we will be steadfast in repentance.
And take note, forgetting won't happen instantly. It's a process (thus, why the suffix "-ing" is important). We'll look back, reflect, forgive, and forgive, and then maybe the next day we'll pretend like it never happened. Our human nature is to dwell on the past and how it once was.
It doesn't have to be this way. You can be earnestly seeking after the Lord and resting your failures at His feet. He'll always pour out an abundance of grace on you and pull you back to Him. He'll always accept you, even if you continue to make mistakes.
So press on. Press on towards the call that the Lord has given you!
My dream (or call) is to go overseas and fight world hunger alongside a nonprofit ministry such as Feed My Starving Children. I don't intend on stopping anywhere short of this vision. I will keep pushing, no matter what I have to do, to get there. I will listen to the Lord's voice and let Him guide my steps.
But I must get past this first step: releasing myself from the things binding me to the world. Although the Lord took me through a season of restoration this past semester, there are still things blocking me from reaching the Lord's plan for me. Barricades are stamped on my path, and I need the Lord's help to push them aside.
Two of the biggest obstacles now? I'm going to be vulnerable with you and tell you.
1. Nurturing a hate for others. I suffer from a serious case of judging others based on their outer appearance and attitudes. I also blame other people if they aren't friendly to me in public.
2. Finding my identity in guys and not the Lord. I yearn for their attention in order to keep up my happiness. I find satisfaction in talking and spending time with guys more than girls.
This is my current junk. The nasty stuff clogging my path from a deep and intimate relationship with the Lord. It has to go. I need to toss it in the trash and say "goodbye" to it. It's time to love others with a real, Christ-like love and find my identity in the Lord. I am a beloved bride of Christ and He has created me wonderfully and beautifully!
I looked up at the clock at 1:00 p.m. with my mind flustered in thought. Whoa God, you've been tugging at stuff in me. I unveiled truths that need to be re-instilled into me. Daily. I need to foster a healthy environment in order to strengthen my relationship with the Lord. If I continue to walk through a path of thistles and weeds, then I won't be able to fulfill my calling for the Lord. So I will learn how to surrender; I will learn how to give; I will learn how to seek after the Lord passionately. And I will never stop, even if my path does become totally clear.