I Don't Have To Understand

I lean not on my own understanding,
my life is in the hands of the Maker of heaven.
(from "Nothing I Hold On To" by United Pursuit Band)

These lyrics always shake my human will whenever I hear them. You mean I can't know everything? I can't control everything?
As humans, we suffer from a disease of wanting to control everything and know everything. We are paralyzed when we cannot see the end of the situation before us. We are crippled when we do not know the answer to a friend's question.

The other day I started to freak out over the finances I need to pay for my trip to Thailand: $3,000. At the bare minimum.
That number is not so welcoming to my bank account.
I started scribbling in my journal the reasons why I wouldn't be able to collect that much money before the end of November.
"I can only work so much. I can only bake so much (for the bake sale I'm going to use to fundraise). I can only send out so many support letters. I can only sell so many of my belongings. Am I just making this all up in my head? Someone's going to have to tell me that this is what I'm supposed to be doing."

And then it hit me. The verse dropped in my head like a coin being tossed in a wishing well.

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." (Philippians 4:6-7)

Wow. Just read that again. Especially the second sentence!
We don't have to understand things, because the peace of God is greater than that. We can have peace even in our confusion!
God reminded me that even though I have no idea how I'm going to come up with $3,000 for Thailand, He will make a way. I don't have to be stressed and frazzled. All I need to do is rest in His presence and let His peace cover me.

Because, here's the deal: When we allow confusion or worry to overcome us, we allow the devil to twist our thoughts and pour fear into us. Although it doesn't seem like an attack while it's occurring, it's the devil's way of taking our trust off of God and putting it in ourselves instead -- which isn't much, since we are weak and don't have the ability to see the outcome of things.

God's peace is our shield against these attacks. God's peace repels the daunting questions that pierce our human tendency to understand and control everything.

So instead of trying to understand how I'm going to pay for Thailand, I'm just going to let God do His work. I'm going to abide in His presence every day in order to be protected from attacks from the devil. I'm going to point my ears and my heart towards heaven and listen to God reaffirm in me that I am His daughter being used for His kingdom. And I'm going to work wholeheartedly, yet peacefully, on finding the finances needed to go to Thailand.

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FOR THAILAND, AND GOD'S PEOPLE LIVING THERE. BECAUSE THEY DESERVE JUSTICE.

Wound

I went to Dunn Bros. with my dear friend yesterday. Over icy fruit smoothies in the 95 degrees heat, we exchanged thoughts about life and the season Lord had been taking each of us through.

As I described the battle between my spirit and my flesh I've been fighting this summer, she mentioned something that struck me. I had heard it at least a dozen times before, but I never had seen it through the lenses she unveiled:

Paul had a thorn in his flesh he had to live with, and the Lord wouldn't take it away. Even though he prayed over and over for it to be removed, it remained.
But instead of moaning and complaining about the thorn, Paul chose to live humbly and DELIGHTED in his weakness.
He delighted in weakness? What? That is so absurd to the human mind. Why would you delight over sickness, pain, persecution, abandonment, or any other difficulty?
But Paul knew that when he was weak, then he was strong. Because Christ reminded Paul that His power rested on him when he yielded himself in all his brokenness to Him.

"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." (2 Corinthians 12:9)

Just think about that. The Lord's power is made perfect -- flawless, complete, whole -- in our lives when we lay ourselves before His feet in all of our brokenness. When we put on a mask and pretend that everything is okay, we limit the work of the Lord in our lives. When we are strong in ourselves, the strength that the Lord offers is dismissed.
In weakness is where we are bestowed strength to overcome. Not strength of our own, but strength that only comes from the Lord above -- strength that is mightier than a thousand armies and fiercer than that of a hurricane.

After hearing those words from my friend, I realized that the battle I've been fighting has caused a thorn in my flesh. And just like Paul, maybe it won't go away. Maybe it will be something I need to face daily. Maybe it's something I'll continually have to surrender at the feet of Jesus when I wake up every morning, dying to my flesh in order to receive His power and walk in the freedom He brings
But you know what? God's grace is sufficient for me, and it's okay if I struggle. It's okay if I wear this wound.

It's just like Tenth Avenue North sings in their song, "The Struggle":
Hallelujah we are free to struggle
But we're not struggling to be free

I am not bound by my weakness. I am not locked in a cage anymore. No, I'm like a bird with a broken wing flying free! Although I am injured and my weakness drags me to the ground sometimes, I'm not chained up anymore.
Even though every day is a challenge and I fail more times than I can count, it's God's grace and an attitude of perseverance that keeps me going.

"For though a righteous man falls seven times, HE RISES AGAIN." (Proverbs 24:16)

Today I'm going to rise up again. Although every day is a battle, and this wound pierces beyond my flesh into my spirit, I will continue to let His power rest on me in my weakness. I will come before Him with a broken spirit and allow His grace to wash away any shame or guilt I feel.

Abba, thank you for weakness. For without weakness, my trust in you would falter.

Keyhole

A girl at work today was telling me about a tattoo she wanted to get. A keyhole on the back of her neck.

I had seen pictures of the tattoo floating around the Internet before, but I never actually understood what the symbolism of it was until my co-worker explained it to me.

She said the keyhole represents the opening of a new chapter in her life. A new chapter in this book we call "life".

I began to think about the season the Lord has been taking me through.

BROKENNESS.

I've been learning to let go of things in my past. And trust me, it hasn't been an easy journey. I've held a bitter attitude towards many things pressing on my heart -- things in my past I'm ashamed to come to terms with. I've also argued with the Lord and tried to hide things from Him.

I realized that I've been incredibly immature in my behavior. Why? Because the Lord already knows all of my failures. There's no point in attempting to cover them.

"I the Lord search the heart." (Jeremiah 17:10)

There's a point where you need to admit that you are weak. You are exhausted and messed up, and the only one able to take away your burdens is the Lord.

It's when we are reduced to utter weakness and are persuaded that we can do nothing whatever that God will do everything.

He will run to us when we are poor and defeated, and lead us with strong hands to overcome. He is our strength when we are weak, our Rock and Redeemer.

"God is our REFUGE and STRENGTH." (Psalm 46:1)

We must give total control of our situation to the Lord.

Holding onto the past can seem harmless; but the fact is that the past digs a hole in our heart, ever so slowly but ever so deeply, that we become attached to it. When we try to let go of the past, we can't, because we're too comfortable with it.

We have become afraid of discomfort and uncertainty in the present.

We're frightened of being vulnerable, because being vulnerable highlights our weaknesses and tells others we have nothing together. It also makes us an easy target for people to hurt us.

What's cool, though, is that God sees it entirely different.

Once we are vulnerable, God can fill us and lead us to a brand new start into a new situation and a new dependence on Him.

He washes us with His love and mercy, and we become empty of ourselves.

"You were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God."(1 Corinthians 6:11)

The Lord gives us lavish cleansing. All of our dirt is wiped away, and he starts picking up the broken pieces and fitting them together into something beautiful. He's the perfect Puzzlemaker.

Let the Lord wash you.

In John 13, when Jesus is washing the disciples' feet, He tells Peter that,

"Unless I wash you, you have no part with me." (John 13:8)

We must allow the Lord to come into our hearts and cleanse us of all our brokenness from the past. We must allow Him to love us FULLY.
Let Him sanctify you. As my friend described it, "give yourself away so the Lord can use you."
When we forget what's behind us and reach towards the path the Lord has for us, we are turning the keyhole into the next season of our life.
Be vulnerable and allow the Lord open that door.

Grocery Store

Ready, set, go! Grocery shopping time. You park the mini van in the parking lot and hustle in, list-in-hand and ready to dash through the aisles in record time. Immediately after the door opens, you grab a cart and scramble down the produce aisle. Finally, you make your way through the meat, deli, dairy and dry food departments until making your way into the checkout line.

You must be wondering why I've described such a well-known weekly activity among Americans. Almost every family does it, whether they bring their kids to cry through the whole experience or if it's just mom picking up a gallon of 2% milk after work so breakfast can still exist in the morning. Not much thought or emotion is put into the trip.

That's unless memories are carved into that place. When we are brought back to locations of our past, flashbacks slide through our minds of who we once were at that point in time and the chills start to run through our back.

Ambling through the aisles of the grocery store and being stared down by half of the employees automatically thrust those thoughts into my head. Just because I used to date one of the dairy boys.

Surroundings from our past have a keen ability to haunt us of "what once was". Although their appearance may change with time, the exact location does not. A capsule of time is ground into that portion of space.

If you've even gone back to your childhood home or your old elementary school, it would be a similar experience. You remember running through the sprinkler with your siblings on the lawn during the summer, or being put in detention in Mrs. Axel's classroom for two hours after school. Your mind becomes a roll of colored film.

Sometimes past experiences can be joyous and delightful; other times experiences can be painful and quarrelsome with our current self.

Such as times when we started ignoring a friend at school because they weren't "cool" enough for us anymore.

Or in our teenage years when we used to cut during the late hours of night in our room.

Or in the car at the park when we had sex with that guy.

Visiting these places in our past can be a deep struggle and bring a huge amount of regret.

But God didn't create us to live with a guilty conscience. His Son died on the cross so that we may be SAVED from our sin... our past.

"There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus." -Romans 8:1

We are justified and redeemed through the blood of the Lamb. We have been made holy and righteous with Him! Nothing can separate us from the Lord. No lie. No failure. No sin. NOTHING.

This doesn't mean we are forever broken free from our past, however. God still allows us to walk through adversity and hardship so we can learn to put our full trust in Him and experience His grace abundantly.

If we didn't struggle with anything, then we wouldn't have any reason for a Savior.

All believers have some kind of junk on their plate. Whether it's presently visible or hidden in the shadows of the past, everyone has their secrets.

The thing that makes some stronger than others is how they deal with their junk. Do they give it to the Lord, or do they mope around with it all day, whining and complaining about their consistent failures?

When we hand our weaknesses over to the Lord, then His strength is made complete in those weaknesses. There's something mysterious and powerful about laying our sin down at the foot of the cross. The Lord picks it up, puts it on His shoulders, and with a smile He says, "Child, you have been made whole."

We don't need to compare ourselves anymore to the person we were in our past. In 2 Corinthians 5:17, Paul writes that we have been transformed into a new creation!

Live in that truth. Allow the Lord to release you of your past burdens, and walk free knowing full well His furious and passionate love for you!

"But those who trust in the Lord will find new strength. They will soar high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint." -Isaiah 40:31

Mirror, Mirror

It's funny how one song that you've heard a million times before and know entirely by heart can all of a sudden carry a whole new meaning.
That's what happened this morning at church. It was the second song of the worship set at the end of the sermon. The strumming of the acoustic guitar began, echoed by the soft steady beat of the drums in the background. Then the lyrics spilled out of the worship leader's mouth:
Nothing can separate
Even if I ran away
Your love never fails
It was after this first verse that my eyes became damp with splotches of tears. I've heard all the Bible verses that resonate Romans 8:38-39, but the hardcore truth never hit me until that very moment.

"For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." (NIV)

This entire semester, there's been one key struggle in my life. A weakness that I've been dragging along everywhere I walk. What's that weakness? The inability to finish goals.
Here's a simple example: I made a 40-day commitment during Lent to fast from all forms of media used for entertainment (Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube, etc.). I started off strong and excited for the journey ahead, but about a week after the first day, I gave up. I couldn't do it. I started accessing these websites whenever I had a block of free time.
I hadn't realized how discouraged I've become because of my failure to be disciplined. I've been living life too loosely, and although there is a need for freedom and spontaneity in life, sometimes you need to be challenged and held accountable for things. Because that's the only way you're going to grow.
The biggest area of my life where I've struggled with following through with commitments is in my walk with the Lord. I've always had a difficult time scheduling time to spend time with the Lord every day. I go to chapel every day and pray during times of fellowship with others, but I haven't been digging into the Word and just sitting in the Lord's presence.
I desire to live a life wholly committed to worshiping the Lord. But I can't achieve this if I'm putting other things - the Internet, friends, knitting, TV, etc. - before the Lord.
This morning the Lord reminded me that His grace NEVER stops pouring down on me. His mercy triumphs over judgment! I don't need to beat myself up for always failing and slipping.
As 2 Corinthians 12:9 puts it:

"But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me." (NIV)

This passage has been a pillar in my walk with the Lord recently. He has been reminding me that in my weakness, He is strong. The Lord is my Refuge, my Rock and my Comforter.
I don't need to look into the mirror of my past mistakes anymore. I don't need to look back and say, "Look at  how much you failed when you tried this last time. You'll never be able to succeed at it." These are lies of the enemy creeping into my head! I will rebound them with truth from my Savior:
I am His masterpiece.
I am loved.
I am His child.
I am His beloved.
And because of these truths, I am worth more than the sum of my past mistakes (taken from the song "You are More" by Tenth Avenue North). In fact, the Lord washed all of these mistakes - the sin and ugliness of my past - away when He died on the cross! He was pierced and crushed for all of our iniquities. When He rose again, He declared freedom from sin and brought new life! A re-making, a new identity in my Lord Jesus.

At The Lord's Feet

As the morning of my grandma's surgery sneaks up closer and closer, I am becoming even more and more terrified. I fear the thought of her coming out of the surgery weak and unhealthy. I am afraid that her body will collapse during the middle of the surgery, and that the doctors won't know what to do during it. Fear is welling up inside of me like a fire, and I can't seem to contain it.

I've never experienced anything more tragic than this.

I've never experienced the death of a close friend or family member.

I've never walked alongside someone going through cancer.

I've never seen extreme suffering firsthand.

I know I may sound weak, but to be completely honest... I am. I swell up at the most minor of incidents. I cry at the flash of a gun being shot or a mother screaming at her child.

But guess what? The Lord pours out His strength during the moments I stumble! He picks me up, and whispers this into my ear:

"[Child], my grace is sufficient for you. My power is made perfect in weakness." (2 Cor. 12:9)

The Lord is directly telling me that His grace is ENOUGH. Enough! What does that mean? It means that His grace fulfills what is needed without being in excess. His graces spills into my cup, and when it is full to the brim, His power explodes out of every wall in my life.

In the same passage, Paul goes on to write: "For when I am weak, then I am strong." (2 Cor. 12:10)

When I surrender everything to the Lord at His feet and give up all control of my life, then the door is open for the Lord's strength and power to sweep in and move mountains.

The Lord has been teaching me a lot about sacrifice. He's taught me that all sacrifice needs to be done with a heart of worship first and foremost, and that love and justice should be at the core of it. But the thing I've learned that's the most essential is that sacrifice needs to be COMPLETE. It can't just be half-heartily, or even 99%. It needs to be total surrender at the foot of the cross. Otherwise there will be things you'll still be holding onto that will hinder you from following the Lord the entire way.

As I wrestle through this moment in my life, I need to continue to learn how to lay everything down in my life. And not just my future and my strengths - but my weaknesses as well. EVERYTHING. The whole package.

I struggle with giving the Lord control, and that's something I'm asking the Lord to stretch me with. I want to be able to fully let god and let God! That's been my motto recently. It flashes on my screen background every time I switch on my laptop, and it's been tapering almost every page of my journal for the past month.

Don't hold back anymore. Release the ties that are holding you onto worldly things. If you are encountering fear, anxiety, sadness, stress, etc... these feelings are not from the Lord! They are from the enemy, and it means you aren't fully counting on God. Make the Lord your comfort zone. He knows the situation and the best outcome, no matter what it is. He is good and faithful, and will never fail you!

"My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." (Psalm 73:26)