I Will Surrender My Dearest

A week and two days ago one of my best friends left for his 6-month journey to Thailand.

I remember dropping him off at the airport. Another friend of his and I walked into the drop-off entrance, and there, with a backdrop of airline check-in lines and baggage security check points, he said his last goodbye with a hug and a smile to each of us. Then he walked off, two suitcases in his hands and two friends in the distance.

It didn’t hit me at that moment that he would be gone for 6 months. Six months is a really long time. Six months ago I was in Thailand teaching English and writing about the center I was volunteering with. A month later I arrived back in Minnesota, and during the next five months I fulfilled another semester at North Central University.

But now everything’s changing. One of my best friends is gone. I have a new roommate. I might get a new job.

I’m losing control of my world and I don’t know how to cope. I’m sad. I’m upset. I’m confused. I’m frightened.

And here I am, crying on my couch because I’m messaging my best friend in Thailand. My phone buzzes and he sends me a message telling me about his first experience in a 7/11 convenience store. My mind flashes back 6 months ago, and there I am in a 7/11 purchasing an Oishi green tea with honey and lemon flavor because that’s what my friend and I used to do every day before we went to school to teach. It’s just a tiny detail in a summer full of memories, but it’s enough to ignite the messy emotions inside of me that I’ve bottled up for five months.

The tears start falling from my face, my eyes get puffy, and I start sniffling.

I miss my best friend already.

Yet it’s not just him I miss. It’s Thailand. He’s in the country I hold close in my heart, the country whose people I adore and whose stories I want to expose.

The Thai people are fascinating. They are amiable and kind, always willing to help a foreigner out. They are devout, strongly grounded in their Buddhist beliefs. But they are also mysterious. They sometimes cover the truth to “save face” and sometimes you never know the ugly feelings behind the smile painted on their round faces.

I think about the man at the market who helped me purchase ingredients for Pad Thai. I think about the woman at the gas station who used to fill my motorbike tank every three days for 100 Baht. I think about Mr. Yo, the taxi driver who used to drive me home from the city.

But most of all, I think about the kids at the center I taught English at. I see their beautiful smiles in my head, and I remember all the moments we spent laughing and enjoying our time together.

We used to play Chinese jump rope, badminton, and Domino’s every day after school. On weekends, we would play Capture the Flag and paint pictures with watercolors. It was a joy playing with those kids, because I learned what childlike faith is.

These are some of the girls that I taught English to in Thailand this summer. They are all so sweet, bursting with joy, energy and curiosity to learn. I love them and miss them dearly!

Childlike faith is simply living in the moment, taking one minute at a time, and extracting the fullness out of it.

Sometimes it’s running around with a beach ball in your hands chasing your friends, like little 6-year-old Fa did with her friends after school at the center. Sometimes it’s distributing meals to refugees who walked two hours to reach the building you are at. And sometimes it’s praying for a city of darkness in a one-room church two blocks away from a street full of bars where girls in tight clothing stand waiting to have sex so they can get money for their pimps.

Faith is finding joy, giving hope, crying out for mercy, mourning over brokenness, going on an adventure, and anything in-between. It’s not defined and it’s not planned. It’s just trusting in God and obeying him in every moment.

Even if it goes against what your heart most desires.

But why would you yield your heart to a God whose plans are different from your own? Why would you give up what’s most dear to you for the sake of obedience?

Because God gave up his dearest possession – His only Son – to save a world of sinners, including me. That’s the only reason I have to pursue God’s plans before my own, but it’s enough. And that's why I can surrender my dearest - Thailand - so God's plan's can be fulfilled.

As much as my heart yearns to go back to Thailand, I must accept God’s plan for me here in Minneapolis now.

Like Abraham sacrificing Isaac on the altar, I must sacrifice my desire to return to go back to Thailand. It’s a difficult sacrifice, and I don’t know if God will give it back to me just like He gave Isaac back to Abraham.

Either way, it is worth it. Because God is worthy. And knowing Him is the thing my heart yearns for the most, when all my other desires vanquish.

Mike Yaconelli said, “The issue of faith is seeking God’s presence, not God’s plan for my life, because there is no plan outside of my knowing Him.”

Faith tells me that it’s okay to be here. God has a purpose for me in Minneapolis during this season, even though I am not quite aware of it yet.

I can serve God in Minneapolis just as effectively as in Thailand, although the latter seems so much more extraordinary. Yet, Thailand really is no more extraordinary than Minneapolis. Every place on this earth is temporary.

I’m trying to learn that although Thailand arouses my heart more, I don’t need to be overseas to fulfill God’s call of missions on my life. He has called me here and now, to the mundane and ordinary lifestyle of an average American college student. I’m taking a class on community development, beginning my senior project, and working at a coffee shop. It’s nothing fancy, but it’s what God has called me to do.

And that’s what makes the ordinary more extraordinary than anything else. Our hearts can tempt us, but when we yield them to God, the best always comes because “to the faithful He shows Himself faithful” (Psalm 18:25).

Stop Living For Accomplishments

The past two weeks have been odd. Winter Break started, and I found myself bored with no homework to do, my best friends away, and less shifts at work. I fell into a pattern of sleeping in way longer than I'm used to, watching TV (which I never do), and avoiding the tasks on my to-do list. I felt lazy and disengaged. Who was I becoming?

I hardly ever slept in past 8:00 a.m. on days I didn't have work or school, because I didn't want to waste precious time to do homework. I never watched "Adventure Time," or any other TV show for that matter, because I didn't think it added value to life. And I never, ever ignored my responsibilities.

But I'm learning that it's okay to take time for myself. I'm learning that it's okay to rest and have fun, even if it's not productive or makes my day start later. I'm learning to stop living under the rulebook I've created to ensure my life is successful and valuable.

Before this realization, I always assumed that every minute of my time needed to be useful. If I didn't allot it well, I would cower in guilt imagining what I could have done during those precious moments of time that amounted to nothing in the end. I remember several Tuesday and Thursday mornings towards the end of the semester where I slept in until 10:00 a.m. and didn't wake up two hours earlier to read. I would criticize myself and let shame overcome me.

Also, I couldn't just sit and watch a movie, play video games for hours, browse pictures on Pinterest or lay down on the couch and nap. What were these activities accomplishing? I wasn't making money. I wasn't obtaining a degree. I wasn't pursuing my dream. I wasn't becoming closer to Jesus in my relationship with Him.

But what if I wasn't supposed to live for accomplishments? What if I was just supposed to be obedient to what the Lord has called me, live by faith, and be happy? What if I didn't have to wear a mask of perfection anymore?

If I didn't live for accomplishments anymore, I would be able to learn the habit of self-care. I would be able to give my body the rest it needed, and I would be able to take breaks in my day just to do what I wanted to do in that moment -- even if it didn't accomplish anything.

In a note a friend sent me for Christmas, she included a Bible verse. It never struck me how timely it was until this very moment, because it goes along with everything I've been learning.

"So I concluded, there is nothing better than to be happy and enjoy ourselves as long as we can." (Ecclesiastes 3:12)

If I didn't live for accomplishments anymore, I would be able to learn the practice of patience. I would be able to focus on and invest fully in the moment, not on what's ahead. I would be able to be at peace, even in the presence of chaos.

When we slow down life and learn to press the pause button, we stop making accomplishments our goal. We take life as it comes, and see our life as one continuous stroke rather than a line made up of little dots.

I'm finding that living for accomplishments only breeds a fear of failure. 

Were my strict guidelines of only get eight hours of sleep to ensure that I be productive with the remainder of my time making my happy, or were they only stringing me along by fear of wasting time?

I'm not saying that waking up early is unhappy or done because of a fear of wasting time. There are many early birds out there who enjoy waking up early.

Also, I am not saying that disciplining yourself to do or not do certain things is wrong. Sometimes we need to discipline ourselves to break a habit, start a new habit, write a 10-page paper or apply for a job.

What I am saying is this: If you are doing something because of fear of failure, then stop doing it. If you are going to college just because your parents want you to, yet you want to work at your local diner the rest of your life, stop going to school and pursue your dream. If you are exercising just because your boyfriend wants you to be skinny, stop exercising (unless you do it for your own health). If you are avoiding media just because you think it will distract you, watch a TV show or a movie. If you are avoiding sleeping in just because it will steal your time away, then sleep in.

We must stop living for the approval of man, and we must also stop living for the approval of our own self. We live for God's approval alone, and God wants us to be happy and get rest. He doesn't want us to be controlled by achievements; he only wants us to be obedient to His Word.

Bicycle Ride

Today I went on a spontaneous bike ride. I wasn't planning on going anywhere today, but after work I decided that I wanted to get out into the city and explore.
Before leaving, I sat down and attempted to find a map that would help me navigate the bike paths of Minneapolis. Thinking I knew where my bicycle adventure would take me, I burst outside with my white helmet in hand and my backpack stuffed with my journal and Bible, an apple and a water bottle.
I started biking on the road that I thought would intersect with the path I wanted to merge on. Nope, nothing. They really must keep these bike paths hidden. Or I'm just incredibly blind.
Concluding that I wasn't going to get anywhere without asking anyone, I was thankful to run in to another biker at the next stoplight. I asked her how to get to the destination I was hoping to find, and she gave me adequate directions.
I biked forward, and within the next mile I ended up passing by a friend I hadn't seen in three months. It was an unexpected blessing to catch up with him on the side of the road for a few minutes.
Then, I continued onwards. Unsure of where I was (I must have taken a wrong turn somewhere), I biked in unusual patterns around a section of streets I was unfamiliar with.
Instead of freaking out though, I just continued to pedal. My legs pushed me forward on the sidewalks with weeds peeking out between the cracks.
I'm lost. Oh well. I'm going somewhere, and eventually I'll end up at some destination -- whether it's the destination I'm planning on or not. It's all about the journey, anyway.
Those were the thoughts that flashed through my mind at that point, or something along those lines.

And then I realized that these thoughts ran parallel to the way we're supposed to live out our daily lives. They didn't just refer to my bicycle adventure, or traveling in general.
There are a million different paths to choose from in this life, and it can be frustrating and terrifying trying to measure if you're on the right path at the right time. Friends and family pressure you to walk one way, you desire the opposite way, and God's way never seems to be plain and clear in the moment.
Who said there was only one correct path to walk on, anyway?

I think there are multiple paths God lays before us, and He gives us the freedom of choice to pick the one we want to walk on. Whether it's choosing a college to attend, finding someone to marry, or any other decision that could alter your life path, God works everything out in the end.
I'm not saying that we should foolishly choose whichever path we want to take next out of pride or ignorance -- I do believe we should be asking God which path He wants us to take next in prayer. But sometimes He doesn't always give us a black-and-white answer. Sometimes He leaves it up to us to take the next step, and once we step forward, He'll mold our path into His plan for our lives.
Even if you take the wrong turn at one intersection, He'll merge another path into your life that will bring you back on track.

And I do believe that any path we choose leads to the same destination. What is that destination, you ask? God Himself. Whether we choose to be a businessman or pastor, live in the United States or India, run a marathon or play music at local venues, our path will always end up at the feet of Jesus when we are seeking His face every day.
It's not about the path itself; it's about the opportunities on the path you take to bless the people who are on the same path. But it's mostly about learning to glorify God and becoming closer to Him while facing whatever valleys, hills, or curves come your way.

** What path are you treading on, and what opportunities has God placed before you? Are you taking ahold of these, or passing them by? Are you growing closer to God as you continue to walk on the path you're on?

I Will Not Fear

(The most important part of this post is bolded; that's my story from this past Friday night.)
There's a really cool evangelistic opportunity at my school. It's called Encounter.
Every Friday night, students gather in one of the classrooms on campus to worship and pray for an hour. Then, at around 11:30 p.m., they hit the streets of downtown Minneapolis to get to know the people who are out partying and drinking. Their goal is to spread Christ's love through simple conversation, which ultimately can open doors for prayer and salvation.
I started going to Encounter during spring semester of my freshman year. In fact, it wasn't until the very last outing that I went. My friend Amy reeled me into it, saying that it was "so awesome." Yeah, I was terrified.
See, I had never been one to go out and evangelize, nonetheless walk around the streets of Minneapolis at night. I'm not a city girl. I come from a small town bordering the suburbs, so this experience would DEFINITELY push me out my comfort zone.
But I went. And, I liked it. The Lord knew exactly what He was doing when He sent me out on those streets that night. My partner and I were able to hear the life story of a guitar player near one of the clubs, and eventually we got to pray with him. It was incredible; nothing like I had ever experienced before.
That one night was a launching pad for my consistent attendance the following year. I started to feel a deeper love for the city and the people. I started to feel the brokenness enveloping the city, and God placed a passion inside of me to go and minister to that.
Fast forward a year. It's my junior year at North Central University, and this past semester I didn't go to Encounter very much. Instead, I was working late nights and early mornings on the weekends, so my body couldn't afford sacrificing a good night's sleep. The times I did go out were amazing, though.
And now it's the beginning of a semester. I quit my weekend job during winter break, which means Encounter is now something I can go to more often if the Lord leads me to it. Speaking of which, this past Friday I went out. And wow, was it mind-blowing. I want to share my story with you.
I was partnered with one of the leaders named Josiah and a new student named Gabi. We walked downtown and talked to quite a few people, but it wasn't until we reached Bar Fly that the main events of the night struck. Josiah started talking to a man, and as this was happening a drunk guy ambled off the street. Gabi and I said "hello" and started a conversation with him. Gabi was doing most of the talking, and as the the conversation progressed my eyes drifted off to the side. I saw a woman dressed in a long, puffy coat with a fur hood covered her head. Her face was buried in a white scarf, and you could barely see her pale brown face in the light. That's when I felt the nudging of the Holy Spirit. So I walked up to her. I asked her how her night was, and she suddenly stopped, turned to me, and gave me a hug. I didn't know how to respond. She then pulled out four coins and asked me if I had $0.75. I said no, but I told her I could pray for her if she'd like. Immdiately she turned away and walked in the other direction. After that happened, I was able to talk and pray with the man she was with who was walking beside her. Then I moved back to Gabi's conversation with the drunk guy. I noticed on the other side of the bus stop (where we were standing) there were two police officers with a skankishly dressed girl. The drunk guy waltzed over to one of the officers and tapped his shoulder to use him as a metaphor in our conversation about the Bible. Suddenly, another officer appeared and told the drunk guy to leave the premises otherwise he could be arrested for interrupting a serious situation (the girl was intoxicated and the officers were trying to help her find her friends to get home). The drunk guy backed off, but it seemed as if the officer didn't understand, because he grabbed ahold of his shirt and shoved him against the glass wall of the bus stop. The man started yelling, and all of a sudden he was tackled into the street. Gabi and I had backed away by this point and had started to pray over the situation. We didn't know what was happening. After praying and meeting up with two other group members, the officers had left and the drunk guy had walked off in another direction. But the girl was still there, surrounded by two of her friends now. One of the friends left, and the other friend was on the phone. My attention grazed towards the intoxicated girl, however. She was seated on a bench, scrunched up with her hands covering her face. The Holy Spirit then nudged me over to them.
"Ladies, how are you doing? Is everything okay?"
"Everything's fine," said the girl on the phone.
But I could tell not everything was fine. The intoxicated girl was dressed in a white blouse, a black mini skirt and black tights. I could tell she was freezing. So I asked her a question.
"Honey, are you cold?"
No response. Just a quick seat-shift to the side, and her hands motioning for me to sit down next to her. I sat down and offered her my coat, but her friend refused to have me give it to her. So I just hugged her, my arm wrapped around her cold, frail body.
She cuddled closer against me, and I could her hear whisper, "You're warm" under her intoxicated breath. It broke me.
The time went by, and after five minutes their ride came and the girl on the phone got up and helped her friend up. I then regrouped with the others who were standing nearby.
This is what I learned that night:
Sometimes following the lead of the Holy Spirit is uncomfortable. It will scare you out of your mind; it will draw you into places you'd never imagine going before.
But when you drop all your fear and uncertainty on the side of the road and say, "God, I will do WHATEVER you want me to do," that's when He accompanies you and fights for you.
That's what I had to do on Friday night.
I'll be transparent with you. I told you above that after my first experience with Encounter, I really started to like it. I've had amazing interactions with people on the streets, but all of these interactions have been primarily through the prompting of one of my partners. I've never sparked my own conversation with someone on the street. And, to add to that, I've never talked to a woman on the streets. Only men. That's my confession. My fear.
Or, should I say, old fear. On Friday night, I decided that I was done hanging out in the background. I decided I was done just following the lead of my partner, and not listening to the Holy Spirit while on the street.
I wanted to listen to the Holy Spirit, and I really wanted to talk to women.
Then God spoke to me. He told me that He would fight for me if I put my hope in Him. He would be my mouthpiece if my own words failed.
So I allowed God to use me. I allowed myself to become nothing so He could work through me. I was able to listen to the nudging of the Holy Spirit, and I was able to talk to two women.
See, we are nothing without the power of Christ in us. I believe that to be so incredibly true. From the very roots of my relationship with the Lord I am dependent on Him. He was nailed to a cross so I could be redeemed, and by faith in Him, I am saved. That's my story.

Keyhole

A girl at work today was telling me about a tattoo she wanted to get. A keyhole on the back of her neck.

I had seen pictures of the tattoo floating around the Internet before, but I never actually understood what the symbolism of it was until my co-worker explained it to me.

She said the keyhole represents the opening of a new chapter in her life. A new chapter in this book we call "life".

I began to think about the season the Lord has been taking me through.

BROKENNESS.

I've been learning to let go of things in my past. And trust me, it hasn't been an easy journey. I've held a bitter attitude towards many things pressing on my heart -- things in my past I'm ashamed to come to terms with. I've also argued with the Lord and tried to hide things from Him.

I realized that I've been incredibly immature in my behavior. Why? Because the Lord already knows all of my failures. There's no point in attempting to cover them.

"I the Lord search the heart." (Jeremiah 17:10)

There's a point where you need to admit that you are weak. You are exhausted and messed up, and the only one able to take away your burdens is the Lord.

It's when we are reduced to utter weakness and are persuaded that we can do nothing whatever that God will do everything.

He will run to us when we are poor and defeated, and lead us with strong hands to overcome. He is our strength when we are weak, our Rock and Redeemer.

"God is our REFUGE and STRENGTH." (Psalm 46:1)

We must give total control of our situation to the Lord.

Holding onto the past can seem harmless; but the fact is that the past digs a hole in our heart, ever so slowly but ever so deeply, that we become attached to it. When we try to let go of the past, we can't, because we're too comfortable with it.

We have become afraid of discomfort and uncertainty in the present.

We're frightened of being vulnerable, because being vulnerable highlights our weaknesses and tells others we have nothing together. It also makes us an easy target for people to hurt us.

What's cool, though, is that God sees it entirely different.

Once we are vulnerable, God can fill us and lead us to a brand new start into a new situation and a new dependence on Him.

He washes us with His love and mercy, and we become empty of ourselves.

"You were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God."(1 Corinthians 6:11)

The Lord gives us lavish cleansing. All of our dirt is wiped away, and he starts picking up the broken pieces and fitting them together into something beautiful. He's the perfect Puzzlemaker.

Let the Lord wash you.

In John 13, when Jesus is washing the disciples' feet, He tells Peter that,

"Unless I wash you, you have no part with me." (John 13:8)

We must allow the Lord to come into our hearts and cleanse us of all our brokenness from the past. We must allow Him to love us FULLY.
Let Him sanctify you. As my friend described it, "give yourself away so the Lord can use you."
When we forget what's behind us and reach towards the path the Lord has for us, we are turning the keyhole into the next season of our life.
Be vulnerable and allow the Lord open that door.

A Slave To Media

Two days ago I took a media fast. It was for a class, but at the same time, it was still something incredibly interesting to experience and learn from.

I scrambled out of bed to the obnoxious buzzing of my alarm at 7:30 a.m. and scurried to class. Initially I forgot about my media fast. I read through the few texts I received from Twitter and the weather forecast, and then I turned my phone off and set it on my desk the remainder of the day.

It was crazy. There were moments when I wanted to turn on my iTunes shuffle and browse through Pinterest, or moments when I wanted to text my friends and ask them how their days were going. It was so hard restraining myself from using media. I felt Amish, in a way (ha ha).

My initial observation was pretty straightforward: Media influences us so much. In our fast-paced, pop culture driven American society, we cannot go one hour without the media world intersecting with our own world. We constantly rely on text messages to communicate with people, Facebook to keep us up-to-date with our friend's lives, Twitter to rant about our daily little happenings of life, and T.V. shows to pull ourselves away from reality and place ourselves in the footsteps of a make-believe character. It's no surprise we become stressed when we don't have these media tools to rely on.

Earlier this week, I logged my media intake for an entire 24-hour period. I filled an entire page in my notebook tracking down every time I used media. I sent a text at 8:00 a.m.; I listened to the radio during my drive to the auto shop; I played Words With Friends during night class; I watched "The Big Bang Theory" on my friend's Netflix. The list goes on and on

After reflecting on my daily dosage of media, I realized that I am irrevocably dependent on media. Media is my master and I am its slave. Why am I okay with this? Media keeps me connected and entertained, and without it, I feel lost and uninformed.

Yet... while my mind compels me to believe this, my heart knows that being tied to media is ultimately tearing away at me little by little.

Let's go back to my media fast. Despite feeling the need to turn on my computer and log-in to Facebook, I felt FREE. I felt more alive and happy than I have been in such a long time. I found joy in talking about life with my RA; I found peace in walking between classes without having to check my phone; I found productivity in doing my homework ahead of schedule rather than waiting for the last minute to do it. I was like a little bird flying free from my cage containing heavy loads of media! As cheesy and cliche as that sounds, it's so incredibly true. The only better feeling in the world is overflowing with the presence of the Lord. And that's saying a lot.

What I learned from my media fast: Media distracts us from the simple things in life.

It drives our attention to the "cyber world", for lack of a better term. Our physical surroundings are slumbered into the background and we become engaged with the pictures, words and videos on the screen. Our minds travel INTO the media form - whether it be a computer, T.V., cellphone, or radio.

When we become absorbed into media, like water in a sponge, it is difficult for us to focus on the simple things in life. We surpass the beautiful moments of life surrounding us without the blink of an eye. We don't see the pink and yellowed painted sky outside our window, and so we miss the opportunity to run outside, lie down on the grass, and enjoy the autumn wind whisper on our cheeks. We lock our eyesight into the screen and don't hear our roommate talk about all that the Lord has been doing in his/her life, and so we miss the opportunity to encourage him/her and share similar thoughts with him/her.

There is so much happening around us, even in the tiny radius of our city. There are people with stories to be heard; there are events about culture and any possible human interest; there are mountains of books to be read; there are activities to DO and CREATE.
God created the world and everything in it wonderfully and uniquely. We should desire to discover it. Go on an adventure. Try something new. Instead of plugging yourself into your Xbox or Facebook for an hour, go on a bike ride. Bake a pie. Fly a kite. Read a non-fiction book about a cause that catches your attention. Knock on your neighbors' door and learn about them. I challenge you.

And this isn't just about you. This is about me.

Recently, my roommates convicted me of using the Internet much more than I should. Whenever I have a spurt of free time, it is so easy to plop down on my bed, snatch my laptop, and surf the Web.

So, I'm taking on a challenge. For the next month, I commit myself to:

• No Facebook or Twitter on my computer
• 15 minutes of Pinterest per day

What will I replace these things with? Ultimately, spending more time with the Lord and digging deeper into relationship with people. Genuinely loving on people by investing my time and energy into them. Learning more about my passion - fighting world hunger. Becoming more grateful in my everyday life. Appreciating the small things the Lord has placed in my life. And that's just the beginning. :-)