I Will Surrender My Dearest

A week and two days ago one of my best friends left for his 6-month journey to Thailand.

I remember dropping him off at the airport. Another friend of his and I walked into the drop-off entrance, and there, with a backdrop of airline check-in lines and baggage security check points, he said his last goodbye with a hug and a smile to each of us. Then he walked off, two suitcases in his hands and two friends in the distance.

It didn’t hit me at that moment that he would be gone for 6 months. Six months is a really long time. Six months ago I was in Thailand teaching English and writing about the center I was volunteering with. A month later I arrived back in Minnesota, and during the next five months I fulfilled another semester at North Central University.

But now everything’s changing. One of my best friends is gone. I have a new roommate. I might get a new job.

I’m losing control of my world and I don’t know how to cope. I’m sad. I’m upset. I’m confused. I’m frightened.

And here I am, crying on my couch because I’m messaging my best friend in Thailand. My phone buzzes and he sends me a message telling me about his first experience in a 7/11 convenience store. My mind flashes back 6 months ago, and there I am in a 7/11 purchasing an Oishi green tea with honey and lemon flavor because that’s what my friend and I used to do every day before we went to school to teach. It’s just a tiny detail in a summer full of memories, but it’s enough to ignite the messy emotions inside of me that I’ve bottled up for five months.

The tears start falling from my face, my eyes get puffy, and I start sniffling.

I miss my best friend already.

Yet it’s not just him I miss. It’s Thailand. He’s in the country I hold close in my heart, the country whose people I adore and whose stories I want to expose.

The Thai people are fascinating. They are amiable and kind, always willing to help a foreigner out. They are devout, strongly grounded in their Buddhist beliefs. But they are also mysterious. They sometimes cover the truth to “save face” and sometimes you never know the ugly feelings behind the smile painted on their round faces.

I think about the man at the market who helped me purchase ingredients for Pad Thai. I think about the woman at the gas station who used to fill my motorbike tank every three days for 100 Baht. I think about Mr. Yo, the taxi driver who used to drive me home from the city.

But most of all, I think about the kids at the center I taught English at. I see their beautiful smiles in my head, and I remember all the moments we spent laughing and enjoying our time together.

We used to play Chinese jump rope, badminton, and Domino’s every day after school. On weekends, we would play Capture the Flag and paint pictures with watercolors. It was a joy playing with those kids, because I learned what childlike faith is.

These are some of the girls that I taught English to in Thailand this summer. They are all so sweet, bursting with joy, energy and curiosity to learn. I love them and miss them dearly!

Childlike faith is simply living in the moment, taking one minute at a time, and extracting the fullness out of it.

Sometimes it’s running around with a beach ball in your hands chasing your friends, like little 6-year-old Fa did with her friends after school at the center. Sometimes it’s distributing meals to refugees who walked two hours to reach the building you are at. And sometimes it’s praying for a city of darkness in a one-room church two blocks away from a street full of bars where girls in tight clothing stand waiting to have sex so they can get money for their pimps.

Faith is finding joy, giving hope, crying out for mercy, mourning over brokenness, going on an adventure, and anything in-between. It’s not defined and it’s not planned. It’s just trusting in God and obeying him in every moment.

Even if it goes against what your heart most desires.

But why would you yield your heart to a God whose plans are different from your own? Why would you give up what’s most dear to you for the sake of obedience?

Because God gave up his dearest possession – His only Son – to save a world of sinners, including me. That’s the only reason I have to pursue God’s plans before my own, but it’s enough. And that's why I can surrender my dearest - Thailand - so God's plan's can be fulfilled.

As much as my heart yearns to go back to Thailand, I must accept God’s plan for me here in Minneapolis now.

Like Abraham sacrificing Isaac on the altar, I must sacrifice my desire to return to go back to Thailand. It’s a difficult sacrifice, and I don’t know if God will give it back to me just like He gave Isaac back to Abraham.

Either way, it is worth it. Because God is worthy. And knowing Him is the thing my heart yearns for the most, when all my other desires vanquish.

Mike Yaconelli said, “The issue of faith is seeking God’s presence, not God’s plan for my life, because there is no plan outside of my knowing Him.”

Faith tells me that it’s okay to be here. God has a purpose for me in Minneapolis during this season, even though I am not quite aware of it yet.

I can serve God in Minneapolis just as effectively as in Thailand, although the latter seems so much more extraordinary. Yet, Thailand really is no more extraordinary than Minneapolis. Every place on this earth is temporary.

I’m trying to learn that although Thailand arouses my heart more, I don’t need to be overseas to fulfill God’s call of missions on my life. He has called me here and now, to the mundane and ordinary lifestyle of an average American college student. I’m taking a class on community development, beginning my senior project, and working at a coffee shop. It’s nothing fancy, but it’s what God has called me to do.

And that’s what makes the ordinary more extraordinary than anything else. Our hearts can tempt us, but when we yield them to God, the best always comes because “to the faithful He shows Himself faithful” (Psalm 18:25).

Day #7: Beyond Me

So often I ask God, "What's wrong with me? How can I change?"
I sit down, journal and pencil in hand, and start scribbling down all of my problems. I fill the pages with troubles in my relationships with people, drama at work, insecurities that I suffer from, and so on.
Then I cry out to God, "Change me! I'm sick of who I am! Just transform me into the woman of God you created me to be."
Thinking that I've heard Him speak, I write down lists and formulas of ways to get rid of my problems.
I write, "Stop comparing yourself with other woman to combat jealousy," or "Don't talk about yourself all of the time to fight pride."And them I attempt to put these points into action.
But there's a problem.
The focus is still on me and my sin, not on grace and the love of God.

You see, transformation is more about the working of God in our lives than trying to fix ourselves.
It's looking beyond ourselves to the face of God and to the needs of others.
This is clearly outlined in Matthew 22:37-39:

"Jesus replied, 'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: Love your neighbor as yourself.'"

When we become outwardly focused instead of inwardly focused, God works from the inside out to cleanse us of our impurity.

Instead of focusing on weeding out the sin instead of us by ourselves, let's work on these two things:

1. Fix your eyes on Jesus - Are you more aware of the problems in your life than Jesus, who has already conquered death itself? Are you consumed with worry? Then maybe it's time to shift your gaze. Spend time with the Lord in your free time and allow Him to lavish His love on you and show you how much He cares for you. Let Him show you that you can trust Him, and that there is complete peace when we rest in His arms. Even though there isn't full clarity with trust, it's the cloudiness that keeps us rooted in Him and walking by faith.

2. Love others - When you go about your day, are you so in tune with your own schedule and "to-do" list that you couldn't budge to go out of your way for someone else? Do you spend all of your free time by yourself investing in your own personal hobbies rather than branching outward and seeing what other people enjoy doing? It's so easy to get wrapped up in our own needs and wants, and it's especially easy to cling to a routine. But focusing on our own desires can draw us away from the needs of others. Maybe there's a man on the side of the road you walk past every day that is crying out for help and you ignore him every time. It could be time to reach out to him and offer him a dollar, a sandwich or a word of encouragement. We are called to be the hands and feet of Jesus, and when Jesus walked this earth, he never ignored the cries of the needy. God's heart beats for justice, and justice is ultimately love.

Let's become people who are so focused on seeking Jesus and loving others, that there is no room for pride or bitterness or insecurity.
The grace of God will flush out the brokenness in you, but only when you give up and say you can't do it by yourself anymore. Striving is not an activity in God's kingdom.
So let go. Let go of your own strength, because God defends those who are weak, not those who think they are strong enough themselves. Fix your eyes on Jesus, and let Him refine your sight so you can see the needs of others. And through this newfound vision, reach out in love. Wash someone's dishes. Pay for someone's coffee. Mow someone's lawn. Buy someone's textbooks.
Whatever form it takes place in, love is always the answer. Because God is love. And love transforms people.

Day #3: My Constant

I'm sitting here on my freshly made bed, my feet sprawled out over the covers as the cool breeze blows in from the window to my right. The smell of rain fills my nostrils, and I am put at peace. It's one of my favorite scents.

This feeling of peace... it's something I haven't experienced in a while.

The past week has been full of TRANSITION. I finished my third year of college, I said goodbye to many dear friends, I moved into a new building, and I started a new job.

I've been very weary and unsettled, and I haven't felt like myself. But now that my roommate and I have moved into our new place, my body, mind, and spirit can finally rest. And it's wonderful.

But even in the midst of all my ups and downs, and my all-nighters and early mornings the past week, I've clung to one thing to keep me going. That one thing?

It's Jesus. He is my constant. My journal and my Bible have been my stuck to my side during all the craziness, and I've opened them to be encouraged and strengthened through this wild process of change.

See, even in the middle of whatever you're going through, you can always trust in Jesus and know that He'll be there if you make Him your foundation. He never leaves, no matter how far you run away. 

He's waiting for you to take your empty cup to the fountain of life. He will fill you will Living Water and restore your soul.

**Are you in a dry season or on rugged terrain? When's the last time you plugged into the fountain of life on a constant basis?

Reminiscing

The evening was coming to a close and I was just about to drop my friend off at his house for the night. I pulled my white Pontiac into his driveway, and all of a sudden we started reminiscing old memories from high school.

We talked about the dances, the parties, our teachers, relationships... all the juicy drama that was alive and running only two years ago. We spilled EVERYTHING.

As I was reflecting on everything that happened, both the good and the ugly, I started sketching an image of myself of who I was in high school.

The words that distinctly described me would be sweet, shy, innocent and sheltered.

I was the girl who hardly had an awareness of anything happening in my group of friends.

See, I hung out with the band geeks. I became part of the "clique" during 8th grade, and all through high school we had lockers next to each other and had parties at each other's houses.

I was kind of the outsider in the group, though. Especially when I started dating my football player boyfriend who was a year young than all of us in 11th grade.

As my friend and I chattered in my car about all the high school drama -- the break-ups, the hook-ups, the fights -- I realized how disconnected I was from everything happening. It made me a bit discouraged.

But as I was thinking about it later, the Lord spoke to me. He told me that all through high school he had me in this group of friends for a reason -- not to become "BFFs" with, but to keep me surrounded by people who wouldn't harm me or take advantage of me emotionally or physically. He knew the friends I associated with wouldn't remain in my life forever, but they would be people who I could trust. It was God's way of protecting me even while I was still at a distance from Him.

Now that I look back on it all, I praise the Lord and thank Him for everything He did to keep me under the shelter of His wings. Even through my first year of college, he held me tightly in His arms and surrounded me with a completely new support system of Christian friends and mentors. I was in a battle that only the place I was at could have survived it was in the community I was involved in.

It's crazy to look back on is how much I've grown from my freshman year of high school to my current stage of life. The Lord has totally transformed my heart in only six years.
My relationship with the Lord is secure.

My friendships with others are deep.

My passions have been revamped.

I am not the awkward, insecure girl I was at the start of my teenage years. God has delivered me from a broken relationship, mended my broken heart, and pulled me closer to Him than I've ever been before. I don't need to be the social butterfly who knows everything going on, and I can be okay with failure and weakness. Because my God is stronger than any trial or fear that comes against me. I can put my whole trust in Him and know that He has His arms wrapped tightly around me.

I was singing a worship song today, and the bridge went like this:

I may be weak
Your spirit strong in me
My flesh my fail
My God you never will 

("Give Me Faith" by Elevation Worship)

This is my anthem during this season of my life.

I am not who I once was. I have been made new.

We're Not Spiritual Robots

A question popped into my head recently.

What do you live for?

It was in the rush of customers dashing around tables and mannequins, arms overflowing with pieces of clothing barely hanging on the hanger. I was scurrying from the back room to the cashwrap when I caught myself off-guard.

I've been working at Gap Outlet for almost three years now. I've learned to love my job, mostly for the people I work with but also for the tasks I get to do every day. I love engaging with a variety of people and tackling new responsibilities.

But I'm also very competitive. This is where my achiever strength comes in (taken from StrengthsFinder 2.0). I always want to be the best at EVERYTHING at my job. Fitting room, cashiering, recovery, visual merchandising, etc. I strive to give the best effort for everything I work at.

It's not bad to have this kind of goal, but sometimes I become tangled in a mindset of achievement -- and with this comes greed and pride.

The Bible warns us about these sins in Proverbs 16:5.

"Everyone who is arrogant in heart is an abomination to the Lord; be assured, he will not go unpunished."

There needs to be a fine line between wanting to do my best and letting my sinful nature take over my heart with arrogance. I needed to redefine the purpose of my role at work, let alone at every other place I encounter throughout my days.

I responded to the first question in my head with a second: "Well, is what I'm doing honoring God?"

Is ringing up a customer and offering the Gap card to them honoring God? Is whispering about other associates in the back room honoring God? Is folding a shirt honoring God?

Some of these questions may sound silly, and they may be hard to answer, but here's the truth laid plain out in 1 Corinthians 10:31:

"Whatever you do, do all to the glory of God."

That verse says ALL. Everything. Every piece. Every bit. Every something. All for His glory!
But how do we devote every word and every action to the Lord? It's seemingly impossible to have a mindset that's automatically programmed to worshiping the Lord. We can't be spiritual robots on praise mode all the time (if that was the case, we wouldn't have free choice as humans!).

The key is TRYING. Really watching your tongue when you speak, see God's people through His lens, and serving with the hands and feet of Jesus.

Yes, we're going to slip. There's going to be days where the F-bomb slips and the behind-your-back gossip happens.

But keep going. Don't give up. God's grace still covers you!

If our motivation behind every human capability is honoring the Lord, then the results will eventually start lining up. We'll learn new things through trial and error, and walk through seasons that will shape us greater into the people of God we were created to be.

The thing to remember: Molding is a process. It takes time. Take the potter, for example. The potter slaps out a chunk of clay and forms it with his hands into a pot on a potting wheel. The potting wheel rotates round and round thousands of times before the pot is in its correct shape and smooth enough to be a pot sold at the marketplace.

"LORD, you are our Father. We are the clay, and you are the potter. We all are formed by your hand." (Isaiah 64:8)

Be patient for the Lord's working on you. Take heart and live for the Lord in the moment, and with time He will transform you into the person of God you were meant to be.