Afraid Of Feeling Beautiful

The other day, one of my best friends tagged me in a post on Facebook. The post was one of those silly trending threads, and it asked you to post five pictures of yourself that made you feel beautiful.

Normally, I would ignore a post like this. I'm not a fan of pass-it-along Facebook posts. They either make you feel guilty for not posting, or they're just completely ridiculous.

But this one triggered something meaningful within me, a feeling I couldn't quite figure out. I was afraid and curious and without words all at once.

To put it simply, I didn't know what it meant to feel beautiful. In fact, I've always been intimidated of the topic of beauty and I never felt comfortable enough to navigate its waters.

I always knew beauty went beyond outer appearance -- what the media loves to advertise beauty as -- but I also didn't want the cliche Christian answer that "inner beauty is the only kind of beauty that matters." I'm not a middle schooler in youth group anymore.

I thirsted for a genuine answer to the definition of beauty, so, being the avid blog reader that I am, I started hunting for Christian articles that discussed the topic of beauty.

I came across a blog that struck me on one of my favorite Christian women websites, The Good Women Project. The last few sentences caught me off-guard.

"It's hard to accept the fact that our point of view is not the only one that matters: there are people who love us and find us beautiful even when we cannot see our own beauty. We are too afraid to acknowledge that we are worthy of being loved, and beautiful because of that."

Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold on. Does the issue of beauty stem from a deeper issue? According to this blog, yes. It's saying that we won't feel beautiful if we don't feel worthy of love.

That brought me back to the beginning of this summer, when I was watching The Perks of Being a Wallflower on an airplane from Los Angeles to Taiwan.

"We only accept the love we think we deserve."

That quote stuck with me the entire summer, and blossomed when a friend and I started discussing value and worth one day over coffee.

The root issue that I was facing was that I did not feel worthy of love. To give you some background, let me share some of my history with you. My father and mother divorced when I was 10-years-old, and because I lived with mother during my teenage years, I didn't have a father figure in my life to show love to me consistently. Because of this, I sought out love from guys -- in fact, any guy who showed interest in me. I didn't want to admit it, but I was hungry for what I thought was love at the time.

It wasn't until this summer when I realized that all these years I had been looking to fill a void in my heart with love that was less than perfect. Yes, I loved Jesus, but his love never took the first place in my heart. It was never enough. I always needed to quench my thirst for love from something or someone else.

When my friend helped me recognize that I was settling for love that was less than I deserved, I was speechless. She told me that because Christ is worthy and because he lives within me, that means I am worthy. Nothing I do makes me worthy but him. I am made in his image, and therefore I am worthy of the greatest love in the world. Now that's what you call a love story.

Since then, I've been reminding myself daily that I am worthy of love. I am worthy of Christ's love and I am even worthy of love from a man who loves the Lord with his whole heart. I won't settle for any less anymore.

Yet, here I am, still fearful of feeling beautiful.

So, I decided to do something. I decided that for the next 30 days, I will take self-portraits of myself expressing myself in my beauty. I don't do this in vain or to gain anyone's approval. Instead, I hope to boost my confidence in my own beauty and see my beauty more clearly.

Because that's what I think beauty is: confidence of who one is -- in both appearance and character.

Day #1: The Beauty of Rawness

This is the first of my summer blogs, which I am aiming to write DAILY. It's a stretch, but I know it will strengthen my writing and challenge me in communicating what the Lord is teaching to me with others. Every day I will focus on a passage of Scripture or a daily happening that takes place. Writing is the way the Lord communicates most clearly to me, so I wanted to increase my presence on this platform this summer to strengthen and encourage you wherever you're at in your walk with the Lord. I pray and hope my writing will be a blessing to you this summer, as I pour out what the Lord is going to be pouring into me this summer.

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I remember when I was younger and my mom would make me clean my room every week.

"Honey, it's time to clean your room!"As my mother's voice droned through the hallway, I would hustle and bustle in my room to pick the mess of toys, clothes, crayons and other junk off my floor. But instead of properly putting it back in its rightful place, I would stuff it under my bed or in my closet. My standard was that if the floors were relatively clean, my room was clean. No questions asked.

Later my mom discovered all of my belongings I would so cleverly tuck away into the corners of my room. I was disciplined by being grounded or given a timeout. Sadly, I did not learn my lesson until I was 10-years-old.

In the same way, we can be childish in the way we present ourselves. We can either choose to put on a mask and pretend everything is okay, or we can be real with people, even in the midst of our problems and brokenness.

In Matthew 23:25, Jesus criticizes the Pharisees for their fakeness.

"Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You clean the outside of the cup and dish, but inside they are full of greed and self-indulgence. Blind Pharisees!"

You see, the Pharisees portrayed themselves like they had everything all together. They presented themselves as holy and righteous to the people, but on the inside they stank of greed, pride and arrogance.

They were fake.

I wonder, do I present myself to people as real and honest, or fake? This is what I've come to realize the past few weeks:

For so long I've focused on maintaining my "outer" personality. I try to fit in with the crowd by cracking the same kinds of jokes and attending every social event organized. I work tirelessly to present myself as the sweet and innocent girl that would never hurt a fly, because Jesus would never hurt anybody.

I've become succumbed to the sickness of striving, and it's eating away at my soul.

I strive to fit into the mold that others expect me to be.

I strive to avoid conflict.

I strive, because I'm afraid of myself and who God created me to be.

And this striving? Well, it's fake. It's a technique to cover up who I really am inside. It's like going through the motions without soul. It's robot-like living.

I don't want to strive anymore. I don't want to conform to the patterns of the world anymore. I don't want to seek to meet every person's expectations of me, because I wasn't meant to please people. I am meant to please God.

Instead of striving to fit into the cookie cutter templates that people have formed for me, I'm going to reach for HOLINESS. Instead of focusing on my outward personality, I'm going to focus on my heart. I'm going to focus on being raw and genuine.

Because you only know the realness of something by its rawness.

I'm going to clean the inside of my cup, just like Jesus said in verse 26:

"First clean the inside of the cup and dish, and then the outside also will be clean."

And when the inside of my cup is clean, the outside will also be clean. I won't have to strive anymore. I won't have to try to cover up all my problems and mistakes.
There will be beauty in rawness, no matter how ugly it may be. Because when Jesus is at your core, shining out holiness from your inner being, His light casts out all condemnation and insecurity. He is your only standard, and you can rejoice among sorrow and pain.

**What are you hiding on the inside that needs to be washed away? Are people seeing the real you, or just a mirage?

Reminiscing

The evening was coming to a close and I was just about to drop my friend off at his house for the night. I pulled my white Pontiac into his driveway, and all of a sudden we started reminiscing old memories from high school.

We talked about the dances, the parties, our teachers, relationships... all the juicy drama that was alive and running only two years ago. We spilled EVERYTHING.

As I was reflecting on everything that happened, both the good and the ugly, I started sketching an image of myself of who I was in high school.

The words that distinctly described me would be sweet, shy, innocent and sheltered.

I was the girl who hardly had an awareness of anything happening in my group of friends.

See, I hung out with the band geeks. I became part of the "clique" during 8th grade, and all through high school we had lockers next to each other and had parties at each other's houses.

I was kind of the outsider in the group, though. Especially when I started dating my football player boyfriend who was a year young than all of us in 11th grade.

As my friend and I chattered in my car about all the high school drama -- the break-ups, the hook-ups, the fights -- I realized how disconnected I was from everything happening. It made me a bit discouraged.

But as I was thinking about it later, the Lord spoke to me. He told me that all through high school he had me in this group of friends for a reason -- not to become "BFFs" with, but to keep me surrounded by people who wouldn't harm me or take advantage of me emotionally or physically. He knew the friends I associated with wouldn't remain in my life forever, but they would be people who I could trust. It was God's way of protecting me even while I was still at a distance from Him.

Now that I look back on it all, I praise the Lord and thank Him for everything He did to keep me under the shelter of His wings. Even through my first year of college, he held me tightly in His arms and surrounded me with a completely new support system of Christian friends and mentors. I was in a battle that only the place I was at could have survived it was in the community I was involved in.

It's crazy to look back on is how much I've grown from my freshman year of high school to my current stage of life. The Lord has totally transformed my heart in only six years.
My relationship with the Lord is secure.

My friendships with others are deep.

My passions have been revamped.

I am not the awkward, insecure girl I was at the start of my teenage years. God has delivered me from a broken relationship, mended my broken heart, and pulled me closer to Him than I've ever been before. I don't need to be the social butterfly who knows everything going on, and I can be okay with failure and weakness. Because my God is stronger than any trial or fear that comes against me. I can put my whole trust in Him and know that He has His arms wrapped tightly around me.

I was singing a worship song today, and the bridge went like this:

I may be weak
Your spirit strong in me
My flesh my fail
My God you never will 

("Give Me Faith" by Elevation Worship)

This is my anthem during this season of my life.

I am not who I once was. I have been made new.

False Identity

Sometimes I wonder if I'm ever strong enough to tackle the things burning deep inside my soul.
I want to forgive...I want to fight social injustice...I want to breath the Word of God in my everyday life... The list goes on. I have a fiery, burning passion for the plans and desires the Lord has given me, but there's one thing that always ties me up: FEAR.
And it's not necessarily fear of the outcome. It's fear of the process.
I'm terrified that I'll become activated and start working towards a goal, and then fail halfway through. I hate it. In my weakness I crumble and beat myself up.
Let me share a Bible story with you. It's found in Numbers 13:26-33. This is the period in history after the Israelites have been released from Egypt, and the Lord calls on Moses to send out 13 spies into the land of Canaan. The men travel all over the land, and when they return, they report their findings to Moses. They tell him that the land is rich and fertile, but something is standing in their way: people who are stronger than they are. Also known as "giants".
All but two of the spies doubt that they will be able to take over the land. They fear that the Israelites will be overtaken again, and so they end up staying in their current location.
The two spies who go against the majority are Caleb and Joshua. Caleb's boldness in verse 30 astounds me:
“We should go up and take possession of the land, for we can certainly do it.”
No one else, besides Joshua, has faith in this action. This leads to the Israelites becoming consumed by fear, which then leads to their wandering in the wilderness for 40 years.
The problem with the Israelites was fear of the road ahead -- specifically the giants. They knew in their hearts the Lord had a land promised to them, but when they were faced with road barriers, they faded into the shadows of fear. Fear became a huge weight on their shoulders preventing them from stepping out in faith and trusting that the Lord would give them The Promised Land.
But even more so, the Israelites were too comfortable in their identity as slaves. It became their reality in Egypt, and being set free was something totally new and bizarre to the Israelites. They didn't know who they were without Pharoah's control over them.
Many times, we don't know who we are when we are given the freedom to chase after our dreams. The Lord thrusts an opportunity in our path pointing towards our dream, but we ignore it because we are too afraid of it. We're too used to the "comfortable" life we're living -- going to school, working a part-time job, hanging out with friends on the weekends, etc. When something new comes our way that captures our interest, we become empowered and excited, but when we discover the sacrifices we'll have to make in order to add it to our plate, a lot of the time we stumble and back away.
We have become enslaved by our comforts. I'm not saying that being in a comfortable position in life is bad, but we need to find a balance between living comfortably and taking risks for God's Kingdom and letting Him lead our lives. We need to put our FULL trust in the Lord, and believe that His way is the best way. Even though He may guide us through valleys, hills, and rocky roads, the end is a beautiful and fertile valley, springing with rich fruit the Lord has planted for us.
We also need to understand fully who we are in Christ. As humans, we tend to develop highly personal beliefs about ourselves that define us. Many times these are negative, and they scream into our ears everything that's messed up with us. Instead of listening to our own judgment of ourselves, or the enemy speaking lies in our heads, we need to OVERCOME these misinterpretations with truth from Scripture. Our identity needs to be rooted in who God calls us -- His children (John 1:12), His friend (John 15:15), justified (Romans 5:1), redeemed and forgiven (Colossians 1:13-14), anointed (2 Corinithians 1:21-22), citizen of heaven (Philippians 3:20)... etc.
God did not create us to be wallflowers or benchwarmers. He did not create us to play it safe and live life in the "safe" zone. He created us in His image to spread the good news of the Gospel by taking bold steps of faith that blow our circumstances out of proportion.

Letters

Last Friday, Craig Gross from XXX Church came to speak at my school. He helps people struggling with sex and pornography get out of that lifestyle and become pure again. At the end of his message, he talked about a challenge he puts each of his clients through. They write a letter from their addiction to themselves, and then write a letter back to that sin proclaiming truth and freedom.
As I was worshiping the Lord tonight, this idea of writing a letter to my struggle came to mind. It's been something I've been wrestling with for as long as I can remember, but I've never been able to approach it head on. We were singing "Break Every Chain" by Jesus Culture, and the worship leader was talking to us about how we needed to release ourselves from the things tying us down. My mind began to float, and I realized my chains were plain in front of my face: my insecurity. It's been holding me back from seeing who I am FULLY in the eyes of the Lord and not letting other people get in the way of that.
So I wrote a letter to it. This is the very first copy, straight word-for-word from my journal. I know I haven't overcome it yet, and this is the first of many letters yet to come, but I feel the twine has been loosened on my feet and my wrists.

Dear Insecurity,
You have grappled with me long enough. I am free from you! You don't define me anymore. My worth and identity are found in the Lord!
I don't need to live up to the world's expectations of me.
I don't need to pretend that my life is perfect.
I don't need to compare myself to others.
The Lord has created me beautiful, strong and unique! I am His beloved, His child. He will never leave me nor forsake me. He will wrap His lovingkindness around me like eagle's wings.

"How precious is Your lovingkindness, O God! And the children of men take refuge in the shadow of Your wings." (Psalm 36:7)

You won't conquer my thoughts or feelings anymore. I will rebuke you with truth from the holy and living Word of God! The slander and judgment from others are lies and deception from the enemy. The Lord did not create you, Insecurity. You are from the pit of hell and I command in the name of Jesus that you go back to that place! You have no right to occupy my life anymore.
I am worth more than the stars in the sky, more beautiful than Solomon's robes, more precious than gold and silver. I am a warrior princess that the Lord has raised up from the dead! I am no longer dead to sin, but Christ reigns IN me.

"For sin shall not be your master, because you are not under law, but under grace." (Romans 6:14)

Your victim-no-more,
Rebekah

Mirror, Mirror

It's funny how one song that you've heard a million times before and know entirely by heart can all of a sudden carry a whole new meaning.
That's what happened this morning at church. It was the second song of the worship set at the end of the sermon. The strumming of the acoustic guitar began, echoed by the soft steady beat of the drums in the background. Then the lyrics spilled out of the worship leader's mouth:
Nothing can separate
Even if I ran away
Your love never fails
It was after this first verse that my eyes became damp with splotches of tears. I've heard all the Bible verses that resonate Romans 8:38-39, but the hardcore truth never hit me until that very moment.

"For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." (NIV)

This entire semester, there's been one key struggle in my life. A weakness that I've been dragging along everywhere I walk. What's that weakness? The inability to finish goals.
Here's a simple example: I made a 40-day commitment during Lent to fast from all forms of media used for entertainment (Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube, etc.). I started off strong and excited for the journey ahead, but about a week after the first day, I gave up. I couldn't do it. I started accessing these websites whenever I had a block of free time.
I hadn't realized how discouraged I've become because of my failure to be disciplined. I've been living life too loosely, and although there is a need for freedom and spontaneity in life, sometimes you need to be challenged and held accountable for things. Because that's the only way you're going to grow.
The biggest area of my life where I've struggled with following through with commitments is in my walk with the Lord. I've always had a difficult time scheduling time to spend time with the Lord every day. I go to chapel every day and pray during times of fellowship with others, but I haven't been digging into the Word and just sitting in the Lord's presence.
I desire to live a life wholly committed to worshiping the Lord. But I can't achieve this if I'm putting other things - the Internet, friends, knitting, TV, etc. - before the Lord.
This morning the Lord reminded me that His grace NEVER stops pouring down on me. His mercy triumphs over judgment! I don't need to beat myself up for always failing and slipping.
As 2 Corinthians 12:9 puts it:

"But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me." (NIV)

This passage has been a pillar in my walk with the Lord recently. He has been reminding me that in my weakness, He is strong. The Lord is my Refuge, my Rock and my Comforter.
I don't need to look into the mirror of my past mistakes anymore. I don't need to look back and say, "Look at  how much you failed when you tried this last time. You'll never be able to succeed at it." These are lies of the enemy creeping into my head! I will rebound them with truth from my Savior:
I am His masterpiece.
I am loved.
I am His child.
I am His beloved.
And because of these truths, I am worth more than the sum of my past mistakes (taken from the song "You are More" by Tenth Avenue North). In fact, the Lord washed all of these mistakes - the sin and ugliness of my past - away when He died on the cross! He was pierced and crushed for all of our iniquities. When He rose again, He declared freedom from sin and brought new life! A re-making, a new identity in my Lord Jesus.