Day #6: Closed Door

Time to call that person again.

I pick up my phone, and my fingers dial the 10-digit number. Cautiously pressing the phone up against my ear, I cross my fingers on my left hand and hope that the person doesn't answer. As the dial signal drains on, I anxiously await the voicemail. 10 more seconds.

"Hello?"

I skip a breath. My hopes are crushed. Disappointed, my voice perks up and starts asking away at whatever I was planning on speaking to the person about.

Does this scenario sound familiar?

You call someone, and you purposely wait for the voicemail so you don't have to interact with the person live.

I think it's funny how often we humans do this, especially in this digital age. We're becoming more and more afraid of conversation. And with this comes a fear of intimacy.

I have a fear of intimacy. That's what my eyes have become open to this summer.

At Caribou, I plant my feet behind the register and gaze down at the screen after punching in the customer's order, careful not to say too much to the guest, because that would be invading their privacy. I'm only an employee, anyway. Why would they want to establish a connection with me? I wear a brown apron and serve them coffee every day. No one special.

And it's not limited to work. I walk back to my room after work, and crash down on my bed or the chair and shut the door behind me. I seclude myself from my suitemates, because the introvert in me needs space.

Whatever the situation may be, I've learned that I'm terrified of stepping outside my comfort zone to interact with people I'm not close with already.

The funny thing is, as Christians, this is our calling. In Matthew 28:19, it says, "Therefore, go and make disciples of all nations." We are called to reach people of all shapes, colors, and backgrounds.

As if this isn't enough, God calls us to live our lives openly. In 2 Corinthians 6:11-13, Paul writes about  his interaction with the Corinthians:

"We have spoken FREELY to you, Corinthians, and OPENED WIDE OUR HEARTS TO YOU. We are not withholding our affection from you, but you are withholding yours from us. As a fair exchange -- I speak as to my children -- open wide your hearts also."

Paul and his companions spoke freely to the Corinthians and opened their hearts wide to them. They didn't hold anything back. They swung wide open the door of intimacy, and didn't allow anything to come between them. They were real and authentic, and didn't hide themselves in the shadows.

This is how I want to live. I want to embrace my identity as a child of light.

Instead of shaking behind the register at work, I want to get to know our guests and encourage them in their daily lives. 

Instead of escaping to the corridors of my room when I get home from work, I want to stop by people's rooms in the hall on the way back and say hello.

Instead of keeping my door shut, I want to keep it open to let others in. And not just a physical, wooden door -- the door of my heart.

**Are you afraid of intimacy? Do you hide yourself from others? What's causing you to build a wall up around yourself?

Day #4: Portion

Today I read Psalm 73.
In verses 2-12, the psalmist confesses his jealousy of the rich and their wealth. He explains how they "have no struggles and their bodies are healthy and strong," and that they are "not plagued by human life." He envies this.
But then he shifts perspectives and sees the wickedness buried inside of them. He sees their pride as a banner beaming from their very beings.

Suddenly, the psalmist is vulnerable with us. He shares a struggle he's hidden within him.

"Surely in vain have I kept my heart pure; in vain have I washed my hands in innocence." (vs. 13)

Whoa. That struck me.
It makes me cringe inside. I wonder, is my heart truly pure? Is what people see genuine, and not for the benefit or pleasure of my own good?

I'm thrown into restlessness between my flesh and spirit.
My flesh screams that I am a nice person. Plus, everybody else says I am too. I'm the sweet, innocent girl that would never hurt a fly. I encourage people and love them for who they truly are, right?
Yet something in my spirit cannot rest with that conclusion... Something is wrong.

I struggle to say it, but pride is one of my crutches. I cling to it, even when I'm doing good unto others. I love to help people, but many times only for my own sake. I love to talk to people, but only so they can help me with my problems.

I don't know how to give back wholeheartedly for nothing in return. I don't know how to give up my comforts -- my perfectly oriented schedule, my penny-tight budget and my American lifestyle -- for the sake of authenticity.

So I wonder, am I genuine? Or am I just faking it so others shower affection over me?

This battle of authenticity is not an easy fight.
Everyday I try to serve others -- not out of vanity -- but out of ridiculous, pure love. I try to be the hands and feet of Jesus to others with no spotlight on what I can gain. Many times I fail, but sometimes I succeed.

All I know is that I am thankful for the grace that God bestows upon me, even in the midst of my fallouts. This morning, my friend texted me a verse that sums this up. Ironically, it's in Psalm 73:

"My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." (vs. 26)

Let that be your battle cry. God is your PORTION that is bigger than all of your failures. Not only does He cover them, but He wipes them away and replaces them with His strength.
His strength is our foundation in times of failure.

**Do you beat yourself up after failing? What do you turn to when things are crumbling apart? Do you cling to the Word and remember that God is one who always forgives and love, even through all of your pain?

Day #1: The Beauty of Rawness

This is the first of my summer blogs, which I am aiming to write DAILY. It's a stretch, but I know it will strengthen my writing and challenge me in communicating what the Lord is teaching to me with others. Every day I will focus on a passage of Scripture or a daily happening that takes place. Writing is the way the Lord communicates most clearly to me, so I wanted to increase my presence on this platform this summer to strengthen and encourage you wherever you're at in your walk with the Lord. I pray and hope my writing will be a blessing to you this summer, as I pour out what the Lord is going to be pouring into me this summer.

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I remember when I was younger and my mom would make me clean my room every week.

"Honey, it's time to clean your room!"As my mother's voice droned through the hallway, I would hustle and bustle in my room to pick the mess of toys, clothes, crayons and other junk off my floor. But instead of properly putting it back in its rightful place, I would stuff it under my bed or in my closet. My standard was that if the floors were relatively clean, my room was clean. No questions asked.

Later my mom discovered all of my belongings I would so cleverly tuck away into the corners of my room. I was disciplined by being grounded or given a timeout. Sadly, I did not learn my lesson until I was 10-years-old.

In the same way, we can be childish in the way we present ourselves. We can either choose to put on a mask and pretend everything is okay, or we can be real with people, even in the midst of our problems and brokenness.

In Matthew 23:25, Jesus criticizes the Pharisees for their fakeness.

"Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You clean the outside of the cup and dish, but inside they are full of greed and self-indulgence. Blind Pharisees!"

You see, the Pharisees portrayed themselves like they had everything all together. They presented themselves as holy and righteous to the people, but on the inside they stank of greed, pride and arrogance.

They were fake.

I wonder, do I present myself to people as real and honest, or fake? This is what I've come to realize the past few weeks:

For so long I've focused on maintaining my "outer" personality. I try to fit in with the crowd by cracking the same kinds of jokes and attending every social event organized. I work tirelessly to present myself as the sweet and innocent girl that would never hurt a fly, because Jesus would never hurt anybody.

I've become succumbed to the sickness of striving, and it's eating away at my soul.

I strive to fit into the mold that others expect me to be.

I strive to avoid conflict.

I strive, because I'm afraid of myself and who God created me to be.

And this striving? Well, it's fake. It's a technique to cover up who I really am inside. It's like going through the motions without soul. It's robot-like living.

I don't want to strive anymore. I don't want to conform to the patterns of the world anymore. I don't want to seek to meet every person's expectations of me, because I wasn't meant to please people. I am meant to please God.

Instead of striving to fit into the cookie cutter templates that people have formed for me, I'm going to reach for HOLINESS. Instead of focusing on my outward personality, I'm going to focus on my heart. I'm going to focus on being raw and genuine.

Because you only know the realness of something by its rawness.

I'm going to clean the inside of my cup, just like Jesus said in verse 26:

"First clean the inside of the cup and dish, and then the outside also will be clean."

And when the inside of my cup is clean, the outside will also be clean. I won't have to strive anymore. I won't have to try to cover up all my problems and mistakes.
There will be beauty in rawness, no matter how ugly it may be. Because when Jesus is at your core, shining out holiness from your inner being, His light casts out all condemnation and insecurity. He is your only standard, and you can rejoice among sorrow and pain.

**What are you hiding on the inside that needs to be washed away? Are people seeing the real you, or just a mirage?