Stop Living For Accomplishments

The past two weeks have been odd. Winter Break started, and I found myself bored with no homework to do, my best friends away, and less shifts at work. I fell into a pattern of sleeping in way longer than I'm used to, watching TV (which I never do), and avoiding the tasks on my to-do list. I felt lazy and disengaged. Who was I becoming?

I hardly ever slept in past 8:00 a.m. on days I didn't have work or school, because I didn't want to waste precious time to do homework. I never watched "Adventure Time," or any other TV show for that matter, because I didn't think it added value to life. And I never, ever ignored my responsibilities.

But I'm learning that it's okay to take time for myself. I'm learning that it's okay to rest and have fun, even if it's not productive or makes my day start later. I'm learning to stop living under the rulebook I've created to ensure my life is successful and valuable.

Before this realization, I always assumed that every minute of my time needed to be useful. If I didn't allot it well, I would cower in guilt imagining what I could have done during those precious moments of time that amounted to nothing in the end. I remember several Tuesday and Thursday mornings towards the end of the semester where I slept in until 10:00 a.m. and didn't wake up two hours earlier to read. I would criticize myself and let shame overcome me.

Also, I couldn't just sit and watch a movie, play video games for hours, browse pictures on Pinterest or lay down on the couch and nap. What were these activities accomplishing? I wasn't making money. I wasn't obtaining a degree. I wasn't pursuing my dream. I wasn't becoming closer to Jesus in my relationship with Him.

But what if I wasn't supposed to live for accomplishments? What if I was just supposed to be obedient to what the Lord has called me, live by faith, and be happy? What if I didn't have to wear a mask of perfection anymore?

If I didn't live for accomplishments anymore, I would be able to learn the habit of self-care. I would be able to give my body the rest it needed, and I would be able to take breaks in my day just to do what I wanted to do in that moment -- even if it didn't accomplish anything.

In a note a friend sent me for Christmas, she included a Bible verse. It never struck me how timely it was until this very moment, because it goes along with everything I've been learning.

"So I concluded, there is nothing better than to be happy and enjoy ourselves as long as we can." (Ecclesiastes 3:12)

If I didn't live for accomplishments anymore, I would be able to learn the practice of patience. I would be able to focus on and invest fully in the moment, not on what's ahead. I would be able to be at peace, even in the presence of chaos.

When we slow down life and learn to press the pause button, we stop making accomplishments our goal. We take life as it comes, and see our life as one continuous stroke rather than a line made up of little dots.

I'm finding that living for accomplishments only breeds a fear of failure. 

Were my strict guidelines of only get eight hours of sleep to ensure that I be productive with the remainder of my time making my happy, or were they only stringing me along by fear of wasting time?

I'm not saying that waking up early is unhappy or done because of a fear of wasting time. There are many early birds out there who enjoy waking up early.

Also, I am not saying that disciplining yourself to do or not do certain things is wrong. Sometimes we need to discipline ourselves to break a habit, start a new habit, write a 10-page paper or apply for a job.

What I am saying is this: If you are doing something because of fear of failure, then stop doing it. If you are going to college just because your parents want you to, yet you want to work at your local diner the rest of your life, stop going to school and pursue your dream. If you are exercising just because your boyfriend wants you to be skinny, stop exercising (unless you do it for your own health). If you are avoiding media just because you think it will distract you, watch a TV show or a movie. If you are avoiding sleeping in just because it will steal your time away, then sleep in.

We must stop living for the approval of man, and we must also stop living for the approval of our own self. We live for God's approval alone, and God wants us to be happy and get rest. He doesn't want us to be controlled by achievements; he only wants us to be obedient to His Word.

Mirror, Mirror

It's funny how one song that you've heard a million times before and know entirely by heart can all of a sudden carry a whole new meaning.
That's what happened this morning at church. It was the second song of the worship set at the end of the sermon. The strumming of the acoustic guitar began, echoed by the soft steady beat of the drums in the background. Then the lyrics spilled out of the worship leader's mouth:
Nothing can separate
Even if I ran away
Your love never fails
It was after this first verse that my eyes became damp with splotches of tears. I've heard all the Bible verses that resonate Romans 8:38-39, but the hardcore truth never hit me until that very moment.

"For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." (NIV)

This entire semester, there's been one key struggle in my life. A weakness that I've been dragging along everywhere I walk. What's that weakness? The inability to finish goals.
Here's a simple example: I made a 40-day commitment during Lent to fast from all forms of media used for entertainment (Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube, etc.). I started off strong and excited for the journey ahead, but about a week after the first day, I gave up. I couldn't do it. I started accessing these websites whenever I had a block of free time.
I hadn't realized how discouraged I've become because of my failure to be disciplined. I've been living life too loosely, and although there is a need for freedom and spontaneity in life, sometimes you need to be challenged and held accountable for things. Because that's the only way you're going to grow.
The biggest area of my life where I've struggled with following through with commitments is in my walk with the Lord. I've always had a difficult time scheduling time to spend time with the Lord every day. I go to chapel every day and pray during times of fellowship with others, but I haven't been digging into the Word and just sitting in the Lord's presence.
I desire to live a life wholly committed to worshiping the Lord. But I can't achieve this if I'm putting other things - the Internet, friends, knitting, TV, etc. - before the Lord.
This morning the Lord reminded me that His grace NEVER stops pouring down on me. His mercy triumphs over judgment! I don't need to beat myself up for always failing and slipping.
As 2 Corinthians 12:9 puts it:

"But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me." (NIV)

This passage has been a pillar in my walk with the Lord recently. He has been reminding me that in my weakness, He is strong. The Lord is my Refuge, my Rock and my Comforter.
I don't need to look into the mirror of my past mistakes anymore. I don't need to look back and say, "Look at  how much you failed when you tried this last time. You'll never be able to succeed at it." These are lies of the enemy creeping into my head! I will rebound them with truth from my Savior:
I am His masterpiece.
I am loved.
I am His child.
I am His beloved.
And because of these truths, I am worth more than the sum of my past mistakes (taken from the song "You are More" by Tenth Avenue North). In fact, the Lord washed all of these mistakes - the sin and ugliness of my past - away when He died on the cross! He was pierced and crushed for all of our iniquities. When He rose again, He declared freedom from sin and brought new life! A re-making, a new identity in my Lord Jesus.

My Wants Aren't In God's Book Sometimes

Before I embarked on my second year of college, I wrote down a list of goals I wanted to accomplish this school year. The list is scribbled down in black pen on five pages (each page being one side of a notebook page).
Being halfway through the year, I laugh at myself finding many of these goals to be surreal. Honestly, what was I thinking when I wrote the list? Did I actually think I’d be able to succeed at every single item? Yeah right.
I’m not saying that I wouldn’t like to achieve each and every goal; I’m just saying that it’s nearly impossible. (Okay, now don’t go about saying that I doubt the popular phrase: Everything is possible with God! I DO believe that. Sometimes our human desires our not in His plan for our life, though. And that’s exactly what I’m learning.)
Scrolling through the list, I was only able to cross off 17 things that I felt like I REALLY accomplished. To give you a good perspective of my achievement (or failure, for that matter), that’s only 20% of my list. I obviously didn’t put enough effort into achieving everything on my list.
Wait, wait… Hold up now. Whoa. That last statement I wrote. I obviously didn’t put enough effort into achieving everything on my list. Maybe I did put enough effort into achieving my goals, it was just impossible to achieve EVERYTHING.
When I look back on the past semester, I look back on it with a smile. God did incredible things during that season of my life. He redeemed me from my past; He healed my heart; He brought me into close friendships; He spoke to me through messages, worship, and prayer; He taught me how to be vulnerable. In addition to this, I was able to be more spontaneous and do things I’ve never done before. Like each sushi at midnight with 20 of my brothers and sisters in Christ. Or explore Uptown with my one of my besties. Or spend two-and-a-half hours at a local coffee shop discussing life with a close friend. Not only did the Lord bless me and teach me new things in my walk with Him, but I was also able to have a fun social life. I have nothing to complain about!
When I look back on my long list of hopeful achievements and wants, I realize that many of these things are improbable to reach towards. Yes, I want to “reach towards the stars” and strive towards my vision, but I notice that God has his own plan for getting me there. I don’t need to make a list. I only need to rely on God’s voice. He’ll help me finish the race, little by little. Footstep by footstep.
This doesn’t mean I’m going to shred my list into tiny pieces and toss it in the trash. No. What I’m going to do is look over the list once again and cross off the things that aren’t important to me. Delete the things that would be nice to achieve, but aren’t part of God’s plan for my life.
I can’t totally leave my plate without excitement or adventure, though. I’ll keep some small things (like writing a song or going to the Minneapolis sculpture gardens) on the list. Just because you need to have a little bit of fun in college between classes and relationships while you’re still young. ;-)
Ultimately, my goal now is to not live life so high-strung and attached to a list of goals. I can find freedom in the Lord and rejoice in Him no matter where I’m at in life! I don’t need to pity myself for not accomplishing something I wanted to. Because honestly, I can’t do everything I want to do! It’s difficult for me sometimes. Especially since I’m a people pleaser and I can never say “no” to someone. That’s another thing I’m going to work on.
In conclusion, this is my plan:
1. Go through the list and cross off items that aren’t important. Remake the list smaller and more precise.
2. Pray and stay steadfast in the Lord and believe that He will help me accomplish my goals.
3. Don’t get upset if I don’t accomplish something! The Lord is full of grace and love, and will always forgive me no matter where I stumble.
I’M GOING TO LIVE MY LIFE FOR THE LORD!