I went to Dunn Bros. with my dear friend yesterday. Over icy fruit smoothies in the 95 degrees heat, we exchanged thoughts about life and the season Lord had been taking each of us through.
As I described the battle between my spirit and my flesh I've been fighting this summer, she mentioned something that struck me. I had heard it at least a dozen times before, but I never had seen it through the lenses she unveiled:
Paul had a thorn in his flesh he had to live with, and the Lord wouldn't take it away. Even though he prayed over and over for it to be removed, it remained.
But instead of moaning and complaining about the thorn, Paul chose to live humbly and DELIGHTED in his weakness.
He delighted in weakness? What? That is so absurd to the human mind. Why would you delight over sickness, pain, persecution, abandonment, or any other difficulty?
But Paul knew that when he was weak, then he was strong. Because Christ reminded Paul that His power rested on him when he yielded himself in all his brokenness to Him.
"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." (2 Corinthians 12:9)
Just think about that. The Lord's power is made perfect -- flawless, complete, whole -- in our lives when we lay ourselves before His feet in all of our brokenness. When we put on a mask and pretend that everything is okay, we limit the work of the Lord in our lives. When we are strong in ourselves, the strength that the Lord offers is dismissed.
In weakness is where we are bestowed strength to overcome. Not strength of our own, but strength that only comes from the Lord above -- strength that is mightier than a thousand armies and fiercer than that of a hurricane.
After hearing those words from my friend, I realized that the battle I've been fighting has caused a thorn in my flesh. And just like Paul, maybe it won't go away. Maybe it will be something I need to face daily. Maybe it's something I'll continually have to surrender at the feet of Jesus when I wake up every morning, dying to my flesh in order to receive His power and walk in the freedom He brings
But you know what? God's grace is sufficient for me, and it's okay if I struggle. It's okay if I wear this wound.
It's just like Tenth Avenue North sings in their song, "The Struggle":
Hallelujah we are free to struggle
But we're not struggling to be free
I am not bound by my weakness. I am not locked in a cage anymore. No, I'm like a bird with a broken wing flying free! Although I am injured and my weakness drags me to the ground sometimes, I'm not chained up anymore.
Even though every day is a challenge and I fail more times than I can count, it's God's grace and an attitude of perseverance that keeps me going.
"For though a righteous man falls seven times, HE RISES AGAIN." (Proverbs 24:16)
Today I'm going to rise up again. Although every day is a battle, and this wound pierces beyond my flesh into my spirit, I will continue to let His power rest on me in my weakness. I will come before Him with a broken spirit and allow His grace to wash away any shame or guilt I feel.
Abba, thank you for weakness. For without weakness, my trust in you would falter.
Showing posts with label weakness. Show all posts
Showing posts with label weakness. Show all posts
Thursday, July 18, 2013
Wednesday, June 27, 2012
Keyhole
A girl at work today was telling me about a tattoo she wanted to get. A keyhole on the back of her neck.
Let Him sanctify you. As my friend described it, "give yourself away so the Lord can use you."
When we forget what's behind us and reach towards the path the Lord has for us, we are turning the keyhole into the next season of our life.
Be vulnerable and allow the Lord open that door.
I had seen pictures of the tattoo floating around the Internet before, but I never actually understood what the symbolism of it was until my co-worker explained it to me.
She said the keyhole represents the opening of a new chapter in her life. A new chapter in this book we call "life".
I began to think about the season the Lord has been taking me through.
BROKENNESS.
I've been learning to let go of things in my past. And trust me, it hasn't been an easy journey. I've held a bitter attitude towards many things pressing on my heart -- things in my past I'm ashamed to come to terms with. I've also argued with the Lord and tried to hide things from Him.
I realized that I've been incredibly immature in my behavior. Why? Because the Lord already knows all of my failures. There's no point in attempting to cover them.
"I the Lord search the heart." (Jeremiah 17:10)
There's a point where you need to admit that you are weak. You are exhausted and messed up, and the only one able to take away your burdens is the Lord.
It's when we are reduced to utter weakness and are persuaded that we can do nothing whatever that God will do everything.
He will run to us when we are poor and defeated, and lead us with strong hands to overcome. He is our strength when we are weak, our Rock and Redeemer.
"God is our REFUGE and STRENGTH." (Psalm 46:1)
We must give total control of our situation to the Lord.
Holding onto the past can seem harmless; but the fact is that the past digs a hole in our heart, ever so slowly but ever so deeply, that we become attached to it. When we try to let go of the past, we can't, because we're too comfortable with it.
We have become afraid of discomfort and uncertainty in the present.
We're frightened of being vulnerable, because being vulnerable highlights our weaknesses and tells others we have nothing together. It also makes us an easy target for people to hurt us.
What's cool, though, is that God sees it entirely different.
Once we are vulnerable, God can fill us and lead us to a brand new start into a new situation and a new dependence on Him.
He washes us with His love and mercy, and we become empty of ourselves.
"You were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God."(1 Corinthians 6:11)The Lord gives us lavish cleansing. All of our dirt is wiped away, and he starts picking up the broken pieces and fitting them together into something beautiful. He's the perfect Puzzlemaker.
Let the Lord wash you.
In John 13, when Jesus is washing the disciples' feet, He tells Peter that,
"Unless I wash you, you have no part with me." (John 13:8)We must allow the Lord to come into our hearts and cleanse us of all our brokenness from the past. We must allow Him to love us FULLY.
Let Him sanctify you. As my friend described it, "give yourself away so the Lord can use you."
When we forget what's behind us and reach towards the path the Lord has for us, we are turning the keyhole into the next season of our life.
Be vulnerable and allow the Lord open that door.
Monday, April 23, 2012
My Paper Heart
Lately I've discovered how weak my heart is.
I've always struggled with self-worth and identity, just like 99.9% of the female population has. And through this, I tend to seek acceptance in the wrong things. I am constantly searching to find love from people, especially guys.
Acceptance has been my biggest life struggle.
I want to say I'll overcome it, I want to say I'll conquer it. But I'm intimidated of the journey. Scared I'll mess up along the way.
You see, I have this hole in my paper heart that I'm longing to fill with love from "that special someone". The problem? I fill the hole with gunk and temporary joy.
Maybe a guy will come along for a short period of time and make me "feel good" about myself. He'll enlighten my spirits, encourage me, and want to invest time in me. These kind actions soften my hearts toward him and make me vulnerable to fall into an emotional attachment to him. This has happened too many times in my life, at every stage in my walk with the Lord.
What I realized is that I need to empty this hole of desire momentarily, and fill it up with Jesus. Overflow it with Jesus.
I know this entire year I've been holding back. I'm continuously reminding myself to dig into the Word more, spend more personal time with the Lord, pray more, etc.
Instead, I've been filling my spacious moments with work, people, and entertainment. Not the Lord. I can honestly say that the Lord is not #1 in my life right now like He should be.
It chews away at me knowing that I'm not giving my whole heart and being to the Lord, but there's a part of me that is comfortable with it. I'm satisfied with doing other things that are less risky, and my sinful nature delights in ignoring the Lord when He calls upon me.
What I'm trying to say is that I just need to let go of searching for the person the Lord has destined me to cross path with. At least until I'm fully satisfied in Him, and He has my entire heart in His hands.
This is a quote that one of my brothers in Christ kept pounding into me:
"Don't seek opportunities. Seek the Lord, and the opportunities will follow." -Mark Batterson
Basically, what this is saying is that we, as humans, shouldn't always hunger towards our desires and wants. We need to maintain some sense of control and keep that freedom God-oriented, but at the same time, we need to be constantly seeking after the Lord and asking Him for His will in our lives. We need to LISTEN and OBEY.
When we become totally wrapped up in the Lord, and He is guiding our every step, then He will guide the right person we're meant to marry into our lives. Maybe they're been there all along, maybe they haven't. Who knows. Only the Lord.
It's kind of like that saying, "A girl needs to be so lost in the Lord, that a guy needs to seek Him to find her."
I need to shift my eyes back to the Lord and let Him captivate me as His daughter, princess and bride.
Sunday, April 22, 2012
False Identity
Sometimes I wonder if I'm ever strong enough to tackle the things burning deep inside my soul.
I want to forgive...I want to fight social injustice...I want to breath the Word of God in my everyday life... The list goes on. I have a fiery, burning passion for the plans and desires the Lord has given me, but there's one thing that always ties me up: FEAR.
And it's not necessarily fear of the outcome. It's fear of the process.
I'm terrified that I'll become activated and start working towards a goal, and then fail halfway through. I hate it. In my weakness I crumble and beat myself up.
Let me share a Bible story with you. It's found in Numbers 13:26-33. This is the period in history after the Israelites have been released from Egypt, and the Lord calls on Moses to send out 13 spies into the land of Canaan. The men travel all over the land, and when they return, they report their findings to Moses. They tell him that the land is rich and fertile, but something is standing in their way: people who are stronger than they are. Also known as "giants".
All but two of the spies doubt that they will be able to take over the land. They fear that the Israelites will be overtaken again, and so they end up staying in their current location.
The two spies who go against the majority are Caleb and Joshua. Caleb's boldness in verse 30 astounds me:
“We should go up and take possession of the land, for we can certainly do it.”
No one else, besides Joshua, has faith in this action. This leads to the Israelites becoming consumed by fear, which then leads to their wandering in the wilderness for 40 years.
The problem with the Israelites was fear of the road ahead -- specifically the giants. They knew in their hearts the Lord had a land promised to them, but when they were faced with road barriers, they faded into the shadows of fear. Fear became a huge weight on their shoulders preventing them from stepping out in faith and trusting that the Lord would give them The Promised Land.
But even more so, the Israelites were too comfortable in their identity as slaves. It became their reality in Egypt, and being set free was something totally new and bizarre to the Israelites. They didn't know who they were without Pharoah's control over them.
Many times, we don't know who we are when we are given the freedom to chase after our dreams. The Lord thrusts an opportunity in our path pointing towards our dream, but we ignore it because we are too afraid of it. We're too used to the "comfortable" life we're living -- going to school, working a part-time job, hanging out with friends on the weekends, etc. When something new comes our way that captures our interest, we become empowered and excited, but when we discover the sacrifices we'll have to make in order to add it to our plate, a lot of the time we stumble and back away.
We have become enslaved by our comforts. I'm not saying that being in a comfortable position in life is bad, but we need to find a balance between living comfortably and taking risks for God's Kingdom and letting Him lead our lives. We need to put our FULL trust in the Lord, and believe that His way is the best way. Even though He may guide us through valleys, hills, and rocky roads, the end is a beautiful and fertile valley, springing with rich fruit the Lord has planted for us.
We also need to understand fully who we are in Christ. As humans, we tend to develop highly personal beliefs about ourselves that define us. Many times these are negative, and they scream into our ears everything that's messed up with us. Instead of listening to our own judgment of ourselves, or the enemy speaking lies in our heads, we need to OVERCOME these misinterpretations with truth from Scripture. Our identity needs to be rooted in who God calls us -- His children (John 1:12), His friend (John 15:15), justified (Romans 5:1), redeemed and forgiven (Colossians 1:13-14), anointed (2 Corinithians 1:21-22), citizen of heaven (Philippians 3:20)... etc.
God did not create us to be wallflowers or benchwarmers. He did not create us to play it safe and live life in the "safe" zone. He created us in His image to spread the good news of the Gospel by taking bold steps of faith that blow our circumstances out of proportion.
I want to forgive...I want to fight social injustice...I want to breath the Word of God in my everyday life... The list goes on. I have a fiery, burning passion for the plans and desires the Lord has given me, but there's one thing that always ties me up: FEAR.
And it's not necessarily fear of the outcome. It's fear of the process.
I'm terrified that I'll become activated and start working towards a goal, and then fail halfway through. I hate it. In my weakness I crumble and beat myself up.
Let me share a Bible story with you. It's found in Numbers 13:26-33. This is the period in history after the Israelites have been released from Egypt, and the Lord calls on Moses to send out 13 spies into the land of Canaan. The men travel all over the land, and when they return, they report their findings to Moses. They tell him that the land is rich and fertile, but something is standing in their way: people who are stronger than they are. Also known as "giants".
All but two of the spies doubt that they will be able to take over the land. They fear that the Israelites will be overtaken again, and so they end up staying in their current location.
The two spies who go against the majority are Caleb and Joshua. Caleb's boldness in verse 30 astounds me:
“We should go up and take possession of the land, for we can certainly do it.”
No one else, besides Joshua, has faith in this action. This leads to the Israelites becoming consumed by fear, which then leads to their wandering in the wilderness for 40 years.
The problem with the Israelites was fear of the road ahead -- specifically the giants. They knew in their hearts the Lord had a land promised to them, but when they were faced with road barriers, they faded into the shadows of fear. Fear became a huge weight on their shoulders preventing them from stepping out in faith and trusting that the Lord would give them The Promised Land.
But even more so, the Israelites were too comfortable in their identity as slaves. It became their reality in Egypt, and being set free was something totally new and bizarre to the Israelites. They didn't know who they were without Pharoah's control over them.
Many times, we don't know who we are when we are given the freedom to chase after our dreams. The Lord thrusts an opportunity in our path pointing towards our dream, but we ignore it because we are too afraid of it. We're too used to the "comfortable" life we're living -- going to school, working a part-time job, hanging out with friends on the weekends, etc. When something new comes our way that captures our interest, we become empowered and excited, but when we discover the sacrifices we'll have to make in order to add it to our plate, a lot of the time we stumble and back away.
We have become enslaved by our comforts. I'm not saying that being in a comfortable position in life is bad, but we need to find a balance between living comfortably and taking risks for God's Kingdom and letting Him lead our lives. We need to put our FULL trust in the Lord, and believe that His way is the best way. Even though He may guide us through valleys, hills, and rocky roads, the end is a beautiful and fertile valley, springing with rich fruit the Lord has planted for us.
We also need to understand fully who we are in Christ. As humans, we tend to develop highly personal beliefs about ourselves that define us. Many times these are negative, and they scream into our ears everything that's messed up with us. Instead of listening to our own judgment of ourselves, or the enemy speaking lies in our heads, we need to OVERCOME these misinterpretations with truth from Scripture. Our identity needs to be rooted in who God calls us -- His children (John 1:12), His friend (John 15:15), justified (Romans 5:1), redeemed and forgiven (Colossians 1:13-14), anointed (2 Corinithians 1:21-22), citizen of heaven (Philippians 3:20)... etc.
God did not create us to be wallflowers or benchwarmers. He did not create us to play it safe and live life in the "safe" zone. He created us in His image to spread the good news of the Gospel by taking bold steps of faith that blow our circumstances out of proportion.
Sunday, April 15, 2012
Mirror, Mirror
It's funny how one song that you've heard a million times before and know entirely by heart can all of a sudden carry a whole new meaning.
That's what happened this morning at church. It was the second song of the worship set at the end of the sermon. The strumming of the acoustic guitar began, echoed by the soft steady beat of the drums in the background. Then the lyrics spilled out of the worship leader's mouth:
Nothing can separate
Even if I ran away
Your love never fails
It was after this first verse that my eyes became damp with splotches of tears. I've heard all the Bible verses that resonate Romans 8:38-39, but the hardcore truth never hit me until that very moment.
Here's a simple example: I made a 40-day commitment during Lent to fast from all forms of media used for entertainment (Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube, etc.). I started off strong and excited for the journey ahead, but about a week after the first day, I gave up. I couldn't do it. I started accessing these websites whenever I had a block of free time.
I hadn't realized how discouraged I've become because of my failure to be disciplined. I've been living life too loosely, and although there is a need for freedom and spontaneity in life, sometimes you need to be challenged and held accountable for things. Because that's the only way you're going to grow.
The biggest area of my life where I've struggled with following through with commitments is in my walk with the Lord. I've always had a difficult time scheduling time to spend time with the Lord every day. I go to chapel every day and pray during times of fellowship with others, but I haven't been digging into the Word and just sitting in the Lord's presence.
I desire to live a life wholly committed to worshiping the Lord. But I can't achieve this if I'm putting other things - the Internet, friends, knitting, TV, etc. - before the Lord.
This morning the Lord reminded me that His grace NEVER stops pouring down on me. His mercy triumphs over judgment! I don't need to beat myself up for always failing and slipping.
As 2 Corinthians 12:9 puts it:
I don't need to look into the mirror of my past mistakes anymore. I don't need to look back and say, "Look at how much you failed when you tried this last time. You'll never be able to succeed at it." These are lies of the enemy creeping into my head! I will rebound them with truth from my Savior:
I am His masterpiece.
I am loved.
I am His child.
I am His beloved.
And because of these truths, I am worth more than the sum of my past mistakes (taken from the song "You are More" by Tenth Avenue North). In fact, the Lord washed all of these mistakes - the sin and ugliness of my past - away when He died on the cross! He was pierced and crushed for all of our iniquities. When He rose again, He declared freedom from sin and brought new life! A re-making, a new identity in my Lord Jesus.
That's what happened this morning at church. It was the second song of the worship set at the end of the sermon. The strumming of the acoustic guitar began, echoed by the soft steady beat of the drums in the background. Then the lyrics spilled out of the worship leader's mouth:
Nothing can separate
Even if I ran away
Your love never fails
It was after this first verse that my eyes became damp with splotches of tears. I've heard all the Bible verses that resonate Romans 8:38-39, but the hardcore truth never hit me until that very moment.
"For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." (NIV)This entire semester, there's been one key struggle in my life. A weakness that I've been dragging along everywhere I walk. What's that weakness? The inability to finish goals.
Here's a simple example: I made a 40-day commitment during Lent to fast from all forms of media used for entertainment (Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube, etc.). I started off strong and excited for the journey ahead, but about a week after the first day, I gave up. I couldn't do it. I started accessing these websites whenever I had a block of free time.
I hadn't realized how discouraged I've become because of my failure to be disciplined. I've been living life too loosely, and although there is a need for freedom and spontaneity in life, sometimes you need to be challenged and held accountable for things. Because that's the only way you're going to grow.
The biggest area of my life where I've struggled with following through with commitments is in my walk with the Lord. I've always had a difficult time scheduling time to spend time with the Lord every day. I go to chapel every day and pray during times of fellowship with others, but I haven't been digging into the Word and just sitting in the Lord's presence.
I desire to live a life wholly committed to worshiping the Lord. But I can't achieve this if I'm putting other things - the Internet, friends, knitting, TV, etc. - before the Lord.
This morning the Lord reminded me that His grace NEVER stops pouring down on me. His mercy triumphs over judgment! I don't need to beat myself up for always failing and slipping.
As 2 Corinthians 12:9 puts it:
"But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me." (NIV)This passage has been a pillar in my walk with the Lord recently. He has been reminding me that in my weakness, He is strong. The Lord is my Refuge, my Rock and my Comforter.
I don't need to look into the mirror of my past mistakes anymore. I don't need to look back and say, "Look at how much you failed when you tried this last time. You'll never be able to succeed at it." These are lies of the enemy creeping into my head! I will rebound them with truth from my Savior:
I am His masterpiece.
I am loved.
I am His child.
I am His beloved.
And because of these truths, I am worth more than the sum of my past mistakes (taken from the song "You are More" by Tenth Avenue North). In fact, the Lord washed all of these mistakes - the sin and ugliness of my past - away when He died on the cross! He was pierced and crushed for all of our iniquities. When He rose again, He declared freedom from sin and brought new life! A re-making, a new identity in my Lord Jesus.
Saturday, April 7, 2012
At The Lord's Feet
As the morning of my grandma's surgery sneaks up closer and closer, I am becoming even more and more terrified. I fear the thought of her coming out of the surgery weak and unhealthy. I am afraid that her body will collapse during the middle of the surgery, and that the doctors won't know what to do during it. Fear is welling up inside of me like a fire, and I can't seem to contain it.
I've never experienced anything more tragic than this.
I've never experienced the death of a close friend or family member.
I've never walked alongside someone going through cancer.
I've never seen extreme suffering firsthand.
I know I may sound weak, but to be completely honest... I am. I swell up at the most minor of incidents. I cry at the flash of a gun being shot or a mother screaming at her child.
But guess what? The Lord pours out His strength during the moments I stumble! He picks me up, and whispers this into my ear:
"[Child], my grace is sufficient for you. My power is made perfect in weakness." (2 Cor. 12:9)
The Lord is directly telling me that His grace is ENOUGH. Enough! What does that mean? It means that His grace fulfills what is needed without being in excess. His graces spills into my cup, and when it is full to the brim, His power explodes out of every wall in my life.
In the same passage, Paul goes on to write: "For when I am weak, then I am strong." (2 Cor. 12:10)
When I surrender everything to the Lord at His feet and give up all control of my life, then the door is open for the Lord's strength and power to sweep in and move mountains.
The Lord has been teaching me a lot about sacrifice. He's taught me that all sacrifice needs to be done with a heart of worship first and foremost, and that love and justice should be at the core of it. But the thing I've learned that's the most essential is that sacrifice needs to be COMPLETE. It can't just be half-heartily, or even 99%. It needs to be total surrender at the foot of the cross. Otherwise there will be things you'll still be holding onto that will hinder you from following the Lord the entire way.
As I wrestle through this moment in my life, I need to continue to learn how to lay everything down in my life. And not just my future and my strengths - but my weaknesses as well. EVERYTHING. The whole package.
I struggle with giving the Lord control, and that's something I'm asking the Lord to stretch me with. I want to be able to fully let god and let God! That's been my motto recently. It flashes on my screen background every time I switch on my laptop, and it's been tapering almost every page of my journal for the past month.
Don't hold back anymore. Release the ties that are holding you onto worldly things. If you are encountering fear, anxiety, sadness, stress, etc... these feelings are not from the Lord! They are from the enemy, and it means you aren't fully counting on God. Make the Lord your comfort zone. He knows the situation and the best outcome, no matter what it is. He is good and faithful, and will never fail you!
"My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." (Psalm 73:26)
Sunday, January 8, 2012
When The Lies Creep In
Sometimes I feel broken. I feel unloved and alone, and go into a frenzy of sadness.
That was tonight.
I don't know what it was -- the busyness of the day, the stress weighing down on me, or the crowds of people towering around me on every side. It's frightening. I'm an introvert, so I find my energy and happiness in my alone time. I cannot stand being around large groups of people for too long.
Unfortunately, that's what I had to deal with tonight. After clearing a plate of mouth-watering Chinese food with my amazing Student Ministry Board (SMB) family, I bounced upstairs and met my friend Michael in the lobby. We weren't sure about what we were going to do, but we decided to go to the Variety Show with a nod and a smile. Neither of us were that excited about it, but we went. It was full of laughs, smiles, and warm feelings.
But let me share a little secret with you. Every time during a sit-down event, whether it be a movie, concert, show, or service, I am always self-conscious about myself and worry about what the person next to me thinks. In this case, Michael. I fretted about if I was too quiet, laughing too obnoxiously, or just plain boring. I didn't know! I also felt this need to chit-chat about the jokes and stories being made onstage. I worried that if I was silent and didn't make side comments now and then about the acts, then he would ultimately think I'm not fun or exciting to hang out with anymore, thus causing our relationship to plunge downwards. Which I would hate.
At the end of the Variety Show, I left the show awkwardly with these inner thoughts rotating around my head. Michael stumbled in front of me and stopped, sporting that big bright smile on his face, turned around, and looked at me. I shyly mustered up the words. "Ummmm, so, what are you doing the rest of the night?" I had no idea if he wanted to hang out more. Because honestly, I felt I received a big fat F in the book of "having a good night together". Just because I'm not the whimsical jokster that whisks up creative remarks between everything that goes on onstage. He said he was tired and was going to work out, and then head to sleep. Then he gave me one of his big wonderful bear hugs (which are the best hugs in the world, by the way) and walked away. Okay, Michael's gone. Now what?Bam. Fluster of sad emotions. I stood uncomfortably in the atrium, waiting nervously and hoping that someone I knew would come out of the sanctuary. Nothing. I said "hello" to my friend Brianna and told her she put on a good ole' Minnesota accent during the video she was apart of, but other than that, my quest for a friend was hopeless. Back to the room (after finding a group of girls from my floor, might I add in).
I scurried back to my room and plopped myself down on my bed (where I am writing this blog currently :-). I was still in an uproar of emotion. I kept thinking about how worthless, boring, and unloved I was. No one actually cherishes spending time with me. I'm just one of those surface people who no one can open up to. I'm not funny. I'm not smart. I can't come up with jokes on-the-spot. I'm not worth people's time. I'm just one of those people who goes through life and hides behind the everyday tasks of life -- work and school. These are the lies that flooded my mind. I couldn't stop them. I dug out Oreos and milk in attempts to soften my panic, but after a few minutes the chocolately satisfaction wore off. I was back in my race of negative emotions once again.
Why is it that women experience such traumatic and painful emotional pitfalls? Well, I kind of unknowingly discovered the answer in a book I'm reading at the moment... "Captivating" by John & Stasi Eldredge. Chapter Three (I can't even remember the last time I read the book, but I felt a little voice telling me I had to pick it up -- it was probably God's ;-).
Oh my gosh. You know those moments you experience that were totally meant for you, but you didn't know it until they actually happened? This was one of these times. Holy bananas. God totally spoke!! The chapter talked about the curse Eve left on women-kind. When she bit into the fruit of the tree God specifically told her not to, she fell short of the glory of God and was punished by God. The curse was not entirely in the physical, though -- not only pain in childbearing and the dominance of man over woman. The curse also included a feeling of unending emptiness.
That's exactly what I was feeling. I read on, page after page, curious as to what the answer was to cure this feeling of emptiness. I read about dominating and desolate women, and discovered that I really am a desolate woman. I can be way too needy and long for a romantic relationship to the point where my heart feels unloved. I can also be too vulnerable and pour too much of life's details out on the spot.
But despite the type of woman I am, I learned that all women indulge. We all seek out love and acceptance through bingeing, gambling, drinking, having sex... The list goes on and on. And we are never satisfied.
True satisfaction comes in the Lord. The Lord loves us and desires us, more than we can imagine. My friend Frankie shared a song with me tonight. It's called "I Knew What I Was Getting Into" by Misty Edwards. As I was listening, I set the lyrics before my eyes so I could follow along. Again, so good. God totally spoke!!
And I am not shocked by your weakness
And I am not shocked even by your sin
And I am not shocked by your brokenness
These were the lyrics that immediately stood out. God doesn't care about my weaknesses, my sin, and my brokenness! He doesn't care where I've fallen and slipped! He doesn't care if I've overreacted emotionally or beat myself up about stupid little things. God doesn't record our failures, he delights in our hunger for Him.That's truth. That's what I want to live by. That's what I need ingrained in me. I want to live desperately and passionately for the Lord with all that I am. Every speck, every morsel, every piece. All for Him! I don't want to care about if I look pretty enough to people on the outside, because I am a beauty and a treasure in the Lord's eyes! I don't want to care if people think I'm strange or awkward or nerdy, because I don't live by the world's expectations! I live only to glorify the Lord and magnify His name! Even if I may be a little outset from the norm, God still loves me and wraps His arms around me. And that applies to everyone. He is a good God and cares for each and every one of His creations. So go after Him -- He'll blow your mind. He did to me tonight. ;-)
That was tonight.
I don't know what it was -- the busyness of the day, the stress weighing down on me, or the crowds of people towering around me on every side. It's frightening. I'm an introvert, so I find my energy and happiness in my alone time. I cannot stand being around large groups of people for too long.
Unfortunately, that's what I had to deal with tonight. After clearing a plate of mouth-watering Chinese food with my amazing Student Ministry Board (SMB) family, I bounced upstairs and met my friend Michael in the lobby. We weren't sure about what we were going to do, but we decided to go to the Variety Show with a nod and a smile. Neither of us were that excited about it, but we went. It was full of laughs, smiles, and warm feelings.
But let me share a little secret with you. Every time during a sit-down event, whether it be a movie, concert, show, or service, I am always self-conscious about myself and worry about what the person next to me thinks. In this case, Michael. I fretted about if I was too quiet, laughing too obnoxiously, or just plain boring. I didn't know! I also felt this need to chit-chat about the jokes and stories being made onstage. I worried that if I was silent and didn't make side comments now and then about the acts, then he would ultimately think I'm not fun or exciting to hang out with anymore, thus causing our relationship to plunge downwards. Which I would hate.
At the end of the Variety Show, I left the show awkwardly with these inner thoughts rotating around my head. Michael stumbled in front of me and stopped, sporting that big bright smile on his face, turned around, and looked at me. I shyly mustered up the words. "Ummmm, so, what are you doing the rest of the night?" I had no idea if he wanted to hang out more. Because honestly, I felt I received a big fat F in the book of "having a good night together". Just because I'm not the whimsical jokster that whisks up creative remarks between everything that goes on onstage. He said he was tired and was going to work out, and then head to sleep. Then he gave me one of his big wonderful bear hugs (which are the best hugs in the world, by the way) and walked away. Okay, Michael's gone. Now what?Bam. Fluster of sad emotions. I stood uncomfortably in the atrium, waiting nervously and hoping that someone I knew would come out of the sanctuary. Nothing. I said "hello" to my friend Brianna and told her she put on a good ole' Minnesota accent during the video she was apart of, but other than that, my quest for a friend was hopeless. Back to the room (after finding a group of girls from my floor, might I add in).
I scurried back to my room and plopped myself down on my bed (where I am writing this blog currently :-). I was still in an uproar of emotion. I kept thinking about how worthless, boring, and unloved I was. No one actually cherishes spending time with me. I'm just one of those surface people who no one can open up to. I'm not funny. I'm not smart. I can't come up with jokes on-the-spot. I'm not worth people's time. I'm just one of those people who goes through life and hides behind the everyday tasks of life -- work and school. These are the lies that flooded my mind. I couldn't stop them. I dug out Oreos and milk in attempts to soften my panic, but after a few minutes the chocolately satisfaction wore off. I was back in my race of negative emotions once again.
Why is it that women experience such traumatic and painful emotional pitfalls? Well, I kind of unknowingly discovered the answer in a book I'm reading at the moment... "Captivating" by John & Stasi Eldredge. Chapter Three (I can't even remember the last time I read the book, but I felt a little voice telling me I had to pick it up -- it was probably God's ;-).
Oh my gosh. You know those moments you experience that were totally meant for you, but you didn't know it until they actually happened? This was one of these times. Holy bananas. God totally spoke!! The chapter talked about the curse Eve left on women-kind. When she bit into the fruit of the tree God specifically told her not to, she fell short of the glory of God and was punished by God. The curse was not entirely in the physical, though -- not only pain in childbearing and the dominance of man over woman. The curse also included a feeling of unending emptiness.
That's exactly what I was feeling. I read on, page after page, curious as to what the answer was to cure this feeling of emptiness. I read about dominating and desolate women, and discovered that I really am a desolate woman. I can be way too needy and long for a romantic relationship to the point where my heart feels unloved. I can also be too vulnerable and pour too much of life's details out on the spot.
But despite the type of woman I am, I learned that all women indulge. We all seek out love and acceptance through bingeing, gambling, drinking, having sex... The list goes on and on. And we are never satisfied.
True satisfaction comes in the Lord. The Lord loves us and desires us, more than we can imagine. My friend Frankie shared a song with me tonight. It's called "I Knew What I Was Getting Into" by Misty Edwards. As I was listening, I set the lyrics before my eyes so I could follow along. Again, so good. God totally spoke!!
And I am not shocked by your weakness
And I am not shocked even by your sin
And I am not shocked by your brokenness
These were the lyrics that immediately stood out. God doesn't care about my weaknesses, my sin, and my brokenness! He doesn't care where I've fallen and slipped! He doesn't care if I've overreacted emotionally or beat myself up about stupid little things. God doesn't record our failures, he delights in our hunger for Him.That's truth. That's what I want to live by. That's what I need ingrained in me. I want to live desperately and passionately for the Lord with all that I am. Every speck, every morsel, every piece. All for Him! I don't want to care about if I look pretty enough to people on the outside, because I am a beauty and a treasure in the Lord's eyes! I don't want to care if people think I'm strange or awkward or nerdy, because I don't live by the world's expectations! I live only to glorify the Lord and magnify His name! Even if I may be a little outset from the norm, God still loves me and wraps His arms around me. And that applies to everyone. He is a good God and cares for each and every one of His creations. So go after Him -- He'll blow your mind. He did to me tonight. ;-)
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