Just Be

Last week was Spring Break at my college. Instead of spending my week with family or basking in the rays on a white sand beach in Florida, I spent five full days with five beautiful ladies in Wisconsin. We stayed in a cabin about 30 minutes across the Minnesota border hidden in the depths of a grove of pine and birch trees, among patches of prairie land.

During our Monday-through-Friday stay in the cabin, we fellowshipped with one another and prayed for the missions trips from our school that went out into the world to serve. The three teams traveled to LA Dream Center, Asia and France. Our days typically consisted of individual prayer/journaling in the mornings, and corporate prayer and worship in the late afternoons and nights.

One huge thing the Lord taught me during this trip is that I have the authority in the name of Jesus over any situation. The Lord showed me this after being spiritually attacked the first two days. The enemy kept telling me I was worthless, and was taking advantage of the insecurity he loves to entertain me with. In our prayer circle on Tuesday night, I kept wrestling between the lies the devil was thrusting in my head and the truth I KNEW I needed to shout out. Then I just did it. I let it out. "Lord, I will not hold back anymore!" I proclaimed it and broke down in tears. But I felt spiritually released. I denounced the control the enemy had on me and declared victory in the name of Jesus! Fear CAN be eliminated. Doubts are NO MORE. The Lord already won the victory, and all we need to do is re-present that victory on Calvary! Isn't that awesome?

The rest of the trip was all a bit hazy to me in the moment. I asked the Lord to speak clearly to me, and He gave me this verse in the Old Testament. It is Samuel's response to the Lord calling on him for the third time in the temple:

     "Speak, Lord, for your servant is listening." -1 Sam. 3:10

Then I remembered: One way the Lord speaks to me is through my writing! So, I dug out my pen started scribbling. I wrote until I filled 24 pages in my journal with verses, pictures, thoughts and prayers.

After sifting through all that content, I discovered one common theme and one thing I felt like the Lord wanted to teach me: THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IN YOUR LIFE IS BEING WITH JESUS.

"being" - this word carries so much depth! Check out how dictionary.com defines it. I love the first definition listed:

     1. to exist or live

Isn't that profound when you apply it to my revelation? Let me re-write it with the new meaning. "The most important thing in your life is existing and living with Jesus." Doesn't that make it so much more real? Jesus is walking side-by-side with me, everywhere I go, doing everything I do with me. Even if I slip and fall. Literally NOTHING can separate me from the Lord! He is my Father and Friend. He's actually there, and I need to make an effort to spend time with Him and live my life in COMPLETE devotion to Him!

Devotion is simply worship, and worship comes in many forms. It is not merely a band on stage during Sunday morning church service singing the overplayed Hillsong and Jesus Culture songs. It is music, prayer, reading Scripture, journaling, crafting... The list is endless on the ways you can worship the Lord! All that it requires of you is that you do it in SPIRIT and in TRUTH. And your posture during worship needs to express the genuine condition of your heart.

What it all boils down to is this: Let go and let God.

One way to do this is to just stop for a second. Turn off that cellphone and shut your laptop; sit for a moment in silence. As Psalm 46:10 puts it, "Be still and know that I am God." Think about that. The Lord is directly asking us to tune down our busy lives and turn our eyes and our hearts to Him! I love how Peggy Kendall describes it, too: "Disconnect with your culture and reconnect with your Maker." That should be the basis for our everyday lives.

I challenge you. Slow down your wheels, even hit the breaks, and reflect on your life. Is your life rich, deep and purposeful, or is it just a cheap substitute? What are you missing because you're too busy? What can you surrender to the Lord in order to see Him in the 24 hours of your day?

Don't become too busy FOR the Lord that you don't have time to be WITH Him. Make your relationship with the Lord real. It may be messy, but guess what? That means it's a good relationship! Sit in His presence and just listen for His still, small voice. Because that changes everything. :-)

When The Lies Creep In

Sometimes I feel broken. I feel unloved and alone, and go into a frenzy of sadness.
That was tonight.
I don't know what it was -- the busyness of the day, the stress weighing down on me, or the crowds of people towering around me on every side. It's frightening. I'm an introvert, so I find my energy and happiness in my alone time. I cannot stand being around large groups of people for too long.
Unfortunately, that's what I had to deal with tonight. After clearing a plate of mouth-watering Chinese food with my amazing Student Ministry Board (SMB) family, I bounced upstairs and met my friend Michael in the lobby. We weren't sure about what we were going to do, but we decided to go to the Variety Show with a nod and a smile. Neither of us were that excited about it, but we went. It was full of laughs, smiles, and warm feelings.
But let me share a little secret with you. Every time during a sit-down event, whether it be a movie, concert, show, or service, I am always self-conscious about myself and worry about what the person next to me thinks. In this case, Michael. I fretted about if I was too quiet, laughing too obnoxiously, or just plain boring. I didn't know! I also felt this need to chit-chat about the jokes and stories being made onstage. I worried that if I was silent and didn't make side comments now and then about the acts, then he would ultimately think I'm not fun or exciting to hang out with anymore, thus causing our relationship to plunge downwards. Which I would hate.
At the end of the Variety Show, I left the show awkwardly with these inner thoughts rotating around my head. Michael stumbled in front of me and stopped, sporting that big bright smile on his face, turned around, and looked at me. I shyly mustered up the words. "Ummmm, so, what are you doing the rest of the night?" I had no idea if he wanted to hang out more. Because honestly, I felt I received a big fat F in the book of "having a good night together". Just because I'm not the whimsical jokster that whisks up creative remarks between everything that goes on onstage. He said he was tired and was going to work out, and then head to sleep. Then he gave me one of his big wonderful bear hugs (which are the best hugs in the world, by the way) and walked away. Okay, Michael's gone. Now what?Bam. Fluster of sad emotions. I stood uncomfortably in the atrium, waiting nervously and hoping that someone I knew would come out of the sanctuary. Nothing. I said "hello" to my friend Brianna and told her she put on a good ole' Minnesota accent during the video she was apart of, but other than that, my quest for a friend was hopeless. Back to the room (after finding a group of girls from my floor, might I add in).
I scurried back to my room and plopped myself down on my bed (where I am writing this blog currently :-). I was still in an uproar of emotion. I kept thinking about how worthless, boring, and unloved I was. No one actually cherishes spending time with me. I'm just one of those surface people who no one can open up to. I'm not funny. I'm not smart. I can't come up with jokes on-the-spot. I'm not worth people's time. I'm just one of those people who goes through life and hides behind the everyday tasks of life -- work and school. These are the lies that flooded my mind. I couldn't stop them. I dug out Oreos and milk in attempts to soften my panic, but after a few minutes the chocolately satisfaction wore off. I was back in my race of negative emotions once again.
Why is it that women experience such traumatic and painful emotional pitfalls? Well, I kind of unknowingly discovered the answer in a book I'm reading at the moment... "Captivating" by John & Stasi Eldredge. Chapter Three (I can't even remember the last time I read the book, but I felt a little voice telling me I had to pick it up -- it was probably God's ;-).
Oh my gosh. You know those moments you experience that were totally meant for you, but you didn't know it until they actually happened? This was one of these times. Holy bananas. God totally spoke!! The chapter talked about the curse Eve left on women-kind. When she bit into the fruit of the tree God specifically told her not to, she fell short of the glory of God and was punished by God. The curse was not entirely in the physical, though -- not only pain in childbearing and the dominance of man over woman. The curse also included a feeling of unending emptiness.
That's exactly what I was feeling. I read on, page after page, curious as to what the answer was to cure this feeling of emptiness. I read about dominating and desolate women, and discovered that I really am a desolate woman. I can be way too needy and long for a romantic relationship to the point where my heart feels unloved. I can also be too vulnerable and pour too much of life's details out on the spot.
But despite the type of woman I am, I learned that all women indulge. We all seek out love and acceptance through bingeing, gambling, drinking, having sex... The list goes on and on. And we are never satisfied.
True satisfaction comes in the Lord. The Lord loves us and desires us, more than we can imagine. My friend Frankie shared a song with me tonight. It's called "I Knew What I Was Getting Into" by Misty Edwards. As I was listening, I set the lyrics before my eyes so I could follow along. Again, so good. God totally spoke!!
And I am not shocked by your weakness
And I am not shocked even by your sin
And I am not shocked by your brokenness
These were the lyrics that immediately stood out. God doesn't care about my weaknesses, my sin, and my brokenness! He doesn't care where I've fallen and slipped! He doesn't care if I've overreacted emotionally or beat myself up about stupid little things. God doesn't record our failures, he delights in our hunger for Him.That's truth. That's what I want to live by. That's what I need ingrained in me. I want to live desperately and passionately for the Lord with all that I am. Every speck, every morsel, every piece. All for Him! I don't want to care about if I look pretty enough to people on the outside, because I am a beauty and a treasure in the Lord's eyes! I don't want to care if people think I'm strange or awkward or nerdy, because I don't live by the world's expectations! I live only to glorify the Lord and magnify His name! Even if I may be a little outset from the norm, God still loves me and wraps His arms around me. And that applies to everyone. He is a good God and cares for each and every one of His creations. So go after Him -- He'll blow your mind. He did to me tonight. ;-)

What's Your Junk?

I read a verse this morning.
Or, a passage more specifically. Luke 11:37-53 — It’s about the six woes that Jesus pronounces on the Pharisees.
The verses that stuck out to me were vs. 39-41: “Then the Lord said to him, ‘Now then, you Pharisees clean the outside of the cup and dish, but inside you are full of greed and wickedness. You foolish people! Did not the one who made the outside make the inside also? But give what is inside the dish to the poor, and everything will be clean for you.’”When reading this verse, it is first important to take in the historical context at the time. I can’t help but apply this passage to my own life, though. Our lives are just like a cup. Jesus set up the perfect analogy for us. Although we may clean the outside and make it look like we have everything together with our job, our family, our friends, our money, and our relationship with Jesus Christ, many times we are still broken and hiding things on the inside.
The inside is disgusting, but no one sees it from the walls we create to shelter them from the truth. We don’t want them to see our secret side; our lies and weaknesses that pull us further away from the Lord.
For me, I’m definitely not clean on the inside. And I don’t think anyone is. As Romans 3:23 says, “…for all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God…” We all have goop inside that hinders us from becoming one with Christ.
But hey, guess what? God is a God of grace. He LOVES us, and pours down his mercies upon us even when we walk in darkness! He doesn’t care how far we’ve fallen from him. Though we walk in the valley of death, the Lord is always there to pick us up and let us start fresh again in our relationship with Him! :-)
Isaiah 1:18 says, “Though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be washed as white as snow…” Hey, that’s something to rejoice about! The Lord is our Redeemer and Savior.
Reflecting on what I just said, I look at my own life. I look at the things I’m hiding inside from everyone else. I look at my prayer life. Although others have commented on how strong of a prayer life I have with the Lord, honestly, it’s hardly there. Prayer is one of my weaknesses. I confess that.
But the Lord has definitely been working on that this year with me. During Encounter (an evangelistic outreach ministry at my college), God laid on my heart to stay back for prayer. I was like, “What God? Are you serious?” But, out of a listening heart, I stayed back. And whoa, did God totally blow my mind! He set a flame in my heart for prayer!Ever since them, I’ve been working little by little to keep feeding that flame. I’m on Ninedays Prayer Team at my school, and God has also presented me with awesome opportunities to pray. Guess what those are? My 40-minute drives to work. Everyone thinks I’m crazy for driving that far out to work, but honestly, I don’t care! I get a chunk of time to praise the Lord and be steadfast in prayer. A time of silence where I have no other distractions. It’s AWESOME. :-)
So that’s one of my confessions. I don’t have it all together. But even though I’m still a broken and wretched human being, I still belong to the Lord and I want to glorify Him in everything I do. I think it’s the passion and drive that matters. The Lord loves a heart that is on fire for Him!
Now I challenge you to look at your cup. The inside of the cup. What are you keeping there that no one else sees? What do you need to surrender to the Lord and let him take control of in your life? Don’t be afraid. The Lord is a God of mercy and compassion, and He will always, ALWAYS accept you and love you as His child.

Lies

I stare at the blank screen before my eyes. Graphics, words, colors, and shapes all dancing across the page. I hate modern technology. I miss the beauty of a 5 x 7" journal; the crispness of the creamy yellow pages and the smudged pencil marks dabbed across the page. I very well could be writing in one of those right now. But no, instead I'm choosing to take the easy way out (for my hands at least). My dry hands type letter after letter as I sit cross-legged on my top bunk, wrapped in my fleece tie blanket I made in 8th grade. A cold shivers down my arms as I listen to the faint whisper of my neighbor's fan through the wooden panels of the wall, noticing that there's no music echoing through the buds of my headphones. Now for a new song... Ahhh, "Poison & Wine" by The Civil Wars. Such a beautifully crafted song. The simple strumming of the acoustic guitar and the melodious piano mixed with the tremendous duo of Joy Williams and John Paul White. It makes my heart tremble with awe. It heightens the already insightful, thinking mood I'm in. My head is wrapped around so much. School, God, friendships, romance... Oh the latter, haha. Romance. How long it's been since I've tasted that. What was it, a little less than two years and two months when my ex-boyfriend and I broke up? Goodness, how I hate that prefix "ex". There's so much distaste in it. It makes me think of a cold heart, and all the negatives endured in that relationship. I don't want to remember those. In fact, I don't want to remember much at all. I've been so haunted by my past relationship recently -- viewing his Facebook statuses and seeing that charming, chubby face with little patches of fuzz snapped across my home page. I miss that guy. But it's time to move on. No more talking about him. I'm over him. I really am. The first two months of school were a healing phase -- a time period where I was emotionally redeemed and freed. I felt like a little white dove being released from it's cage, what a beautiful picture. Now I'm trapped again in that cage. The ropes have been pulling, and I'm stuck in a feeling of confusion and uncertainty. I want to trust in the Lord and believe that he will carry me through, but the lies of the enemy keep popping in my head. You aren't pretty enough to have a guy like you. Even more so, you don't have the character and inner beauty a man of God would be looking for in his dream girl. You're afraid to pursue real relationships and dive into the messy core of the matter. You're a weakling, ready to fall and touch the ground and never get back up again. You're insane for handing all that's on your plate. You are too much of a burden for anyone to care about. No one will want to pay the extra effort into getting to know you by performing random acts of kindness, or by giving up something to be with you. No one wants to send you mail, a card, or even a text, because you aren't a good enough friend. You don't know how to carry on a conversation with another human being. You fail at communication and will never succeed as a journalist because of your awkwardness. Lies. The lies keep coming... They filter through my brain and I cannot stop them... I want to believe them, so, SO, terribly. I want to fall victim to the enemy and let myself be consumed by the world's views. "No," I have to tell myself. NO! I will not believe these lies. I will not be trapped by false figments of my mind. I will be strong and courageous and beautiful, and stand up against what is a lie. I will follow truth, and truth alone. Truth that is found in my Savior, Jesus Christ. He tells me that I am His Beloved and that I am so very precious to His Kingdom. I have a plan and a purpose in my life, and he's taking me further along that path every day. I don't need to worry or be discouraged, because He is by my side. I don't need to tremble with fear or fall back into the shadows, where I am slain to the lies. I am free. I am beautiful. And I am worthy of a man of God someday, someone who is so incredible and amazing and full of the Holy Spirit. Someone who will treasure me and take time out of their day for the little things; the small things that all add up to pure, relentless love in the end.