The LORD saved me in 2011! :)

[Re-posted from my Tumblr: cloudywithadoseofsmiles.tumblr.com] I just wrote an entire poem on where God has taken me from a year to this day. It’s been an incredible journey. God has changed my heart and redeemed me from my past, and I can look back with a smile knowing that my future is brighter because of the LORD and the huge plans He has for my life. I don’t need to walk in shame anymore! I don’t need to hide my story in the shade anymore! I’m not ashamed to spill my testimony, because God has done a miraculous work inside of me and He’ll still molding it. I am in awe at His Majesty. My words lack the ability to describe the glory of the LORD. All I know is that I have been saved and if it hadn’t been for North Central and the amazing people surrounding me last year, I would have fallen away from the LORD and I would be living a completely different life. Honestly, I believe I would have been pregnant with the mindset and emotions I had. I was trapped in a physical relationship with a guy who was abusing me, as much as I hate to say that. He was my boyfriend for a year-and-a-half, and three months after we broke up the physical stage started up again. It was the most confusing time period of my life. I was broken and being used as his puppet. The thing is: I was doing it willingly and didn’t fight it. I wanted to kiss him and love him, even if we weren’t dating still. I wanted that feeling of human love that no one else was giving me at the moment. It felt good in the moment, but after it was done it was horrible. I beat myself up about it and guilt weighed down on my shoulders. I know the LORD didn’t want me to do it, and I felt Him speak strongly against it. Yet I continued to do it. I shoved God’s voice into a box and let my own selfish self take over. The sinful nature in me was taking control, and I was powerless outside of that. My behavior continued into the summer, where I saw my ex-boyfriend two or three times. Each time we made-out at his house or in his car. During the last time I saw him, though, I knew it had to end. We ended up kissing, but after I slammed the door shut in my car I drove away with thoughts screaming inside of my head. This is coming to an end. I’m sick of it. LORD, save me! I didn’t exactly break down and give everything to the LORD then, though. It was a few weeks later when I packed all my belongings and moved into my dorm for my sophomore year of college. During our first floor meeting (which consisted of only freshmen/transfer students, my RA, and my two DLs) we all squished ourselves in my RAs room for a night of sharing where God has taken us. I had no idea what I was going to share. I started off listening to everyone else’s stories and based what I was going to share off of that. But then the LORD spoke to me. You have to be vulnerable tonight. It’s time to spill your secret and begin a season of healing and recovery. So I did. I didn’t know how or why, but I let loose. I broke down it tears. I was a complete wretch. Heck, I didn’t even know most of these girls I was disclosing myself to! I was being completely open and honest with them. I didn’t hold anything back. But the LORD was with me that night, He held me and comforted me. I walked back to my room that night full of peace. I knew I had to do what I did, and I went on from that day with my heart totally open to the LORD’s voice. He’s brought me through a time of restoration and patched up all the stains from my past. I am a new creation! I am a beautiful princess in the LORD’s eyes! He has washed me clean and I’m never going back. That’s what the LORD has done these past few months. And not only has He started a brand new path for me, but He’s unleashed my spirit into fervent and passionate prayer. I’m learning what it means to be prayerful and hear the LORD’s voice in all circumstances. I’m praying more and more, little by little, but it’s a work in progress I am so excited to be venturing on. The LORD is holding me in His arms. Although the future is scary and unknown, I don’t have to be afraid because the LORD is with me! He will never leave me nor forsake me! I am His, and He is mine. <3

I Thought I Was Packing...

This is definitely not a procrastination blog. Nope, no way. Ha.

[note the obvious use of sarcasm]

...It's not for homework, though!!!!!!!

Packing. Oh packing. :-)
HOW I DO NOT WANT TO START YOU YET!!!

So, I write. I read, I post, I search, I view. I avoid the mess of clothes and textbooks piled on my desk chair, the mountain of dirty dishes piling on the dresser, the vacuum sitting unplugged in the middle of the room. I'd rather just relax now and express my thoughts.

And so it continues to the actual meaningful part of the blog, the meat. Oh so yummy. -_-

Ahhhh, what to talk about? Once again, a lot is on my mind. The past four days have been quite ridiculous, really. Yes, it was finals week, but then there was the guys and all this other drama thrown in. It turned out to be a salad of craziness. But now it's over!! The end of the week. My heart rests with joy. :-)
But then again, life goes on, right? There's always something waiting to catch you, halt you in the middle of your path, or push you aside. The road of life is never-ending, as cliche as that sounds.

Right now I am soooooo excited to go home. I really am. It's coming at the perfect time! Not simply because I need a break from classes and studying, but because I get to be with my family and rest! I get to get away from people who... honestly, I'm sick of being around right now. There's so many fantastic and encouraging people at North Central, but I'm at that point where I need to get away and be alone. Or with those closest to me -- my family. My mom, stepdad, and "little" sister. I love them so much. More than they know. Sometimes I feel like I don't show them that all the time. I come across as bitter and selfish, where at the same time my heart knows every action and word I'm saying and I beat myself up over it. I don't know what it is. I feel like we all wear this mask around people closest to us, in a way. At least those we have had a past with and have certain expectations of us. It's so hard to change and become someone else who they may not like, or simply just over-accommodate your situation and pamper you. I don't need to be specially treated if I share something super deep, uplifting, joyful, loving, whatever! You don't need to muster up in tears and comfort me. Sometimes I hate that... It's awkward. Uncomfortable. Blehhh. Ewwwww.
But overall, I'm very excited to go home. Of course I will miss a few people here -- such as Emily, Cody, Amanda, and Michael -- but the more I think about it, the more I want home. I miss my cold striped tan sheets with a thick layer of blankets over it. I miss my pretty-smelling Bath & Body Works candles. I miss my mom's spaghetti. I miss having breakfast with my grandma at Perkin's after working at 5:00 a.m. in the morning. I miss having St. Buffaville days with Angie and Neil. The list goes on and on. It's all in perfect timing right now. God's timeliness is so perfect. He always has things occur right on the dot, even though we may not understand it at the time. I think He just laughs at us from His throne in heaven, grinning because we humans are so confused yet trust the Lord. But He always works things together for our good!! I love that. I cannot even begin to fathom the extremities of that, but it's true. Real stuff, bro.
So as I finish this blog, I just want to end it off on a happy note. End it off by saying that everything is going to be okay and the Lord has a plan for everything going on in your life! This semester has been fruit of that. God has taught me and shown me so much about my own life and others around me. If you ever want to sit and talk, I'd be more than happy to. But go in peace! Go in rest! Enjoy this time of thankfulness and joy with family, and kick back in the Lord's grace. Live in Him. <3

You, With Your Words Like Knives

It literally makes me sick that you would do that. I feel like I could vomit because of what you did. No, you don't know how it affected me. You have no idea. When you asked, I responded honestly. I opened my heart and didn't hold anything back. And your response? What a joke. It's as if you read between the lines of another story. I don't know how to trust you anymore. I want to, so badly, but because of the way you hide things in the dark and toy around with me like a marionette is NOT respectful. At all.

[sigh]

I don't mean to sound rude or hateful... The issue of trust is just a huge deal to me, and when someone breaks it, it irritates me hardcore. It tears me apart. And I'm sorry if I sound like an emotional Avril Lavigne or Taylor Swift song... Although, the only song spinning in my head for the last hour has been "Mean" off of the latter's new album.
You, with your words like knives
And swords and weapons that you use against me
You have knocked me off my feet again
Got me feeling like I'm nothing
You, with your voice like nails on a chalkboard
Calling me out when I'm wounded
You picking on the weaker man

Your words have been so manipulative lately. I don't know if they're real, from-the-heart or if they're fake, sketchy words to conceal the truth. I never knew you well enough to unveil who you really are, but when I met you, I respected you and thought you were one of the friendliest people. I was looking forward to get to know you. All of a sudden, in a matter of 48 hours, our friendship went from the top of a roller coaster to the bottom dip. I don't know anymore.
I guess what this blog is basically trying to say is that trust is something I treasure so much. I value it, and I think I let people get away with it too much. I don't protect my heart or my words very well. That, I know, is something I need to work on, but I still don't understand why things like this happen. It shakes me inside.

Now I'm terrified to trust anyone. I told myself that I wouldn't let anyone carve through the layers of my onion too quickly, but you... I handed you the chef's knife and you went straight in. Never again. At least not for a while, until the pieces of my heart have been picked back up again and I meet someone who is mature enough to trust.
As for the meantime, God's got me under his wings of love. His love never ceases to amaze me, and I am captivated by His beauty. He cares about me and will never leave me nor forsake me. I'm going to focus on falling so deeply in love with Christ and dive into His presence more and more everyday. He will be my number one source of love, and I won't have to seek it out in others.
"Every word of God is pure; He is a Shield to those who put their trust in Him." -Proverbs 30:5

Also... I'm sorry. I don't want to come across as hurtful or nagging. I just need to be honest and speak what's on my heart, even though I know only one or maybe two people will read this. I forgive the person who did this to me. And really, it wasn't a big deal. It's really quite silly. And I feel kind of dumb for writing this blog right now. But hey, you gotta spill your emotions out somewhere, right?

Exegetical Moments

I know I shouldn't be blogging... But I can't help but not to at this time of night/morning. It's 5:23 a.m.!! HOLY BANANAS. That's what I've been exclaiming silently for the past two hours. I can't believe I'm still as awake as I am. I've only drank three cups of coffee today, with the last being over four hours ago. My feet have that prickly feeling from falling asleep. I've been sitting at my desk for four hours now writing this stinkin' exegesis paper. Actually, "stinkin'" in the wrong word to describe it... I'm actually really enjoying writing this paper! It just takes a lot of work and effort. I had no motivation to start it the past few days, so it finally dawned on me this morning that I had to start it soon otherwise I would suffer severe consequences (this paper is worth 50% of my grade!). So, I did. I treated myself to an extra few hours of sleep this morning and woke up at 10:00 a.m. roughly to begin the paper. Once I got into it, I didn't want to stop. I honestly LOVE reading these commentaries on 1 Corinthians! I sound like such a Bible nerd, but it's so true. I just want to read, read, read, and not write! It's not like I despise writing, it's just reading about the Bible is too much of an exciting activity. Now I'm taking a break from the paper. I have a little over 400 words left, but even still, I have so much to add and subtract. Lots of revision and editing will be done by the time I must turn it in this afternoon. Three hours until I have breakfast with two of my friends -- we're studying for our Intro to Comm & Theory final! :-D Just gotta make it 'til then, and hopefully finish the rough copy of my paper so I can focus entirely on editing after I finish that final. It's going to be a rough day! But with God all things are possible, right? He provides the strength and the energy to get through the day, even if its through caffeinated sources such as coffee and Mt. Dew. ;-) Ahhhhhh! The Lord is so, so good. I cannot begin to fathom His magnificent love for us! In every circumstance, whether it be joyous, calm, sticky, or sad, He ALWAYS intervenes and makes a way! Although we may be blind to it initially, the Lord always leads us through the right doors when we are in-sync with His voice. Thank you Jesus for all you have given me. Love you. :-) Now back to my paper! Wish me luck as I continue learning about the church in Corinth -- quite the boisterous church, hmmmm? We can learn so much through Paul's epistles he wrote to the believers there. I challenge you to go, plop down on your comfy bed, dig out a warm blanket, warm some hot chocolate up, and read through 1 & 2 Corinthians! It'll blow your mind. Because God's REALLY good at doing that.

This Is My Prayer In The Battle

I don't know anymore. I'm in denial, and my emotions cringe inside my stomach. My skin shakes at the thought of what's going on. It's nothing bad, but it's not clear yet. It's totally a grey area for me, and I need the Lord to stay at the center of everything going on. I believe He has the best plan for my life, and I always needed to be tuned in to His voice so I can follow that path. Tonight I was faced with something that totally hit me off-guard. I saw it in the horizon, but I never thought it would happen. And it did. I need to stay focused and trust in the Lord. I can't let this be a distraction from everything God's doing in my life. Maybe this is part of it, I don't know. This is my prayer...

Lord, please give me the focus to keep my attention on you alone. Let my actions and words be a reflection of you in every aspect of my life. Let the things that are popping up on every corner not distract me from the plan you have for my life. Give me discernment to make the right decisions, even though they make be hard to face. I know that you carry me in Your arms and want the best for me. Everything you do is for my good, because you created me and love me with a love unlike any other. Thank you Jesus for everything you have poured into my life now. The friends, family, jobs, shelter, food... EVERYTHING. Let nothing be wasted or gone unnoticed in my life. I want to live my life as a living sacrifice for you, O Lord. So God, in this time of uncertainty and surprise, let my foundation in You not be shaken. I will hold on firmly to you, my Rock and my Savior. You are the Lord Almighty and Your promises and word keep amazing me. I will never be able to comprehend the intimacy of the love you showed for me through the death of Your Son on the cross. Thank you for forgiving me and loving me for who I am. For all my mistakes, failures, wrongdoings... You love me still. Thank you Jesus and let all the praise be given to You! <3

Unending Joy :)

It's 11:16 p.m. at night. My stomach growls with hunger (even though I just ate a Velveeta mac & cheese cup), and worship musics fills the background. It's a beautiful evening. My roommate Emily and I plopped ourselves on the dirty blue carpet, dug out our Crayola coloring crayons, and began coloring our coloring books. Mine is Disney princess and hers is some random cute animal book. It was legit girl time. We chit-chat about boys, and laughed left and right. It reminded me of high school. I realized that I never really do spontaneous activities with people -- I'm super structured and revolve my life around my phone's calendar. It's silly, really. Sometimes you just need to let loose of a schedule, and have fun! Jump off the cliff, make mistakes, laugh until your stomach hurts! I know this is super cliche, but it's so true. My mind is already set in winter break mode. My motivation for anything school-related has drained down the hole. I don't want to write this 10-page pager on 1 Corinthians 13. I don't want to study for Old Testament or Intro to Comm & Theory. I don't want to do anything that involves research. And now I sound so stupid. I'm not trying to complain, I just have to speak my feelings. This is my sponge that soaks in everything rotating around my mind. And speaking of everything rotating around my mind, so much has happened today. I don't want to go on a huge rant about everything, but basically I had two revelations today.

First, during chapel (which was super great, because two of my old youth leaders visited me!) God filled me totally and completely with His joy. A huge smile was slapped across my face as I raised my hands in awe of Him. He is so good! I can't get over the Lord's incredible, relentless, never-ending love for us. I can't even comprehend it. He has revealed His heart and His love to me in so many ways this year -- my heart sings thankfulness to the Lord! He has been my Friend when I've had none, He has been my Deliverer that saved me from my past, He has been my Hope when I've had none, He has been my Provider when I've had no idea how I was going to pay for something... The list goes on and on! God reveals himself in both the big and the small ways. The ways we pass by in the blink of an eye. You know that smile someone gave you in the hallway after you had a rough conversation on the phone with your mom today? THAT was God showing his love for you. You know the note you found in your mailbox by that girl on your floor today? THAT was God speaking to you through writing. It's so cool seeing His presence shine through every moment! My spirit longs to be in constant intimacy with Him. I want my eyes set on the Lord in everything I do. I want to be compelled by His love and the blood He shed on the cross in my everyday actions. Basically, it was a celebratory day! A day to celebrate and rejoice for all the goodness He's showed me this year so far. I'm so grateful for the place I am. There's no other place I'd rather be. God is shaping me and building me into the woman of God He wants me to be.

Okay, second revelation. I went out to coffee with one of my really good guy friends from college today. I met him last year in New Testament when I sat next to him on the first day of class, and ever since, we've become super tight. He's a super passionate, loving, and bold man of God. He encourages me so much and challenges me in my walk with the Lord. We're also both directors on SMB (Student Ministries Board) at my school. While we were chatting over coffee at Open Book Cafe today, we were able to share our testimonies and what God has been doing in each of our lives lately. I wasn't expecting to share as much as I did, but I learned to trust him with both the pretty and the ugly details of my story. I knew I couldn't sugarcoat anything. After I spilled out my story on the table, he did the same. And then he went on talking about his passion and his heart for God's call on his life. He did over 70% of the talking, but that was just fine in my book. I love listening to people and hearing their stories one-on-one. I like being their human journal; something that can take in everything on a person's mind and heart and let it soak in. Even though I don't have all the answers right away, I have a genuine interest and care for people's lives. I want to help them grow, and encourage and lift them up as best as I can. Today was one of those days where I just listened. I let my heart take in everything he had to say, and I was shaken. Not badly shaken, but shaken with joy. I realized... well, let me just say it. I realized that I do like him. Very much. He's fun, loving, full of the Lord, passionate, supporting, and full of wisdom. I know that he is willing to do whatever it takes to follow God's will for his life. It's so cool seeing that big of passion flow from his heart. He wants to change the world, and he will with the selfless and humble attitude he has. So, I dunno. I guess I like him. A lot. :-) He's super sweet and I want to get to know him more and be a bigger part of his life. I care so much for him and want to continue to be there for him along the way.

God Vision

I find myself awake again at the wee hours of the night. The quiet snoring of my roommate echoes in the background as my fingers type considerately and carefully, my brain being over-picky about the words I use. I was about to go to bed five minutes ago, and then I realized I hadn't e-mailed my fellow editor the actual article -- only the e-mail that explained about that article. So I jumped out of bed and did that. I was about to curl up in my blankets again when I thought, "Hey, I should write a blog. I'm still awake enough and I have something worth talking about that my readers would find thought-provoking I think." So here's what's on my mind.

Today was Day One of Emily's and my challenge. We're on a week-long challenge that focuses on becoming closer with God. This was today's challenge:

Monday: Make an effort to find God in everything that you do. How can you use your actions for His glory?

Goal: Become more aware of His presence in everyday life.

Trust me, this challenge was a real challenge. Every moment throughout the day, whether it was eating Reeses' Puffs with my legs Indian-crossed on my chair staring at my dirty laptop screen, listening to my professor ramble on and on about a mass communication theory I could care less about, or walking through the chilly dim-lit skyway from the CLC building to Carlson with my roommate, my mind always tuned back to the challenge of the day. How was I finding God in everything I did? Was saying "hello" and holding a simple conversation with every person I interacted with today a reflection of Jesus? Was sitting in the library for two hours researching my communication project giving God glory? Was recruiting potential future leaders for next year honorable in God's eyes? I don't know the answers to these questions. I don't know if I was portraying the right model of Christ. It's not like I was programmed to perform every action and speak every word for His glory; I'm a human and of course I'm going to make mistakes. I'm not a robot. There were several times where my mind wandered off into other topics besides finding God in everything I did. But was I aware of it more than usual? Yes. Did I make an effort to live for God in everything I did? Yes, when it was on my mind. I know I slipped, and there were times when I caught myself saying Why did I just do that? inside my head. Maybe I judged a person, or made a sarcastic remark with no meaningful intention whatsoever; or maybe I ignored someone in the halls who was having a bad day and needed a little encouragement. I don't know. Whether I was aware of it or not, I know I made mistakes. So I think what I learned from the challenge today is that we need to try to have a constant awareness of God's presence. We need to wear the eyes of the Lord, and look through His lenses. Even though we may take them off at times and not even realize it, we need to be reminded, moment by moment, who we are living for and what our purpose is for everything we do. Because it's only worth it if it glorifies the Father.

7 o'clock Drive

So I was driving back to school today after hitting the road around 7:20 p.m. My mom helped me load my car up, and I set off sporting my comfy black sweats, my navy peacoat, and my floral scarf. I was comfortable as can be, except for the fact that my car was a bit chilly and I had to crank up the heat. I backed out of the driveway onto the road and flipped on the radio. Nothing seemed appealing, so I shut off the radio to dead silence. Only the quiet humming of the engine roaring under my feet. All of a sudden, my mind and my heart became burdened with the huge decision I have to make this week. The one I've been avoiding all week. I haven't had the guts to sit down and decide, because I've been scared that I'll make the wrong decision. And so it haunted me once again. Live at home next semester and save money, or live at school and risk not having the money to pay the bill? There's so many factors involved with the decision. Where would I work? Would I have to drop any classes? What about my involvement with school? What will my family think? What about my roommates and the girls on my floor? My mind almost implodes at the heavy weight of questions placed on my mind. So after about a minute of silence, I just started talking to myself in the car. Well, not just myself, but God too. I addressed God with everything I said. I put in words all the emotions and thoughts dancing around my head. I basically spit everything out and said, "God, what do you want me to do? Tell me! I'm sick of not having answers. Can't you just shove a billboard before my face, or have a clear resounding voice on the radio tell me what to do?" Nothing. Nothing happened. I sat befuzzled, the questions still burdening me down on me. I was in a state of spiritual oppression. Then I decided to turn on the radio again. I felt a desire to listen to KTIS or Praise FM, the two Christian radio stations in the Twin Cities area. And so I started listening to worship music. At first I just started singing. I wanted to get my mind off of everything and praise Jesus amidst the confusion I was feeling. I've been walking for a valley for so long. I haven't been experiencing the joy I felt at the beginning of the school year, and I felt detached from God. I suppose a lot of it was due to coming home, because that definitely posed a challenge in my spiritual life. And all of a sudden while I was singing, I just thought to myself, Hey, I haven't been trusting God lately. I haven't been laying down everything at His feet and believing He'll take care of it. I've always had to figure things out on my own, because I've been fearful of anything else. I'm the type of person that ALWAYS needs to know everything going on -- that's why my planner and the calendar on my phone are my best friends. ;-) But, in that moment, I laughed at myself and realized that maybe I should just surrender everything to God and trust that He'll take care of me next semester. And so I came to the conclusion that I will be staying on-campus next semester!! :D It makes me so excited, and really, I was feeling a little uneasy about the whole living-at-home thing. But now I feel peace! I feel like God wants me to stay, even though I have no idea how my job situation's going to work out. Because there's a million different options there. I just need to tell myself not to stress out about all the knitty gritty details right now -- because God will take care of that later!! He's placed so many people in my life who have told me stories about how God has provided for them. And I think God put those people in my life for a reason -- so I can be encouraged and see that God really does provide, so that in this time of my life when I need to depend on God for that, I'll be able to. Ahhhhh. God is so good. So that was the rest of my car ride. Worship music blasting into ever corner of my car on the road back to Minneapolis, with the city lights all around me!

Lies

I stare at the blank screen before my eyes. Graphics, words, colors, and shapes all dancing across the page. I hate modern technology. I miss the beauty of a 5 x 7" journal; the crispness of the creamy yellow pages and the smudged pencil marks dabbed across the page. I very well could be writing in one of those right now. But no, instead I'm choosing to take the easy way out (for my hands at least). My dry hands type letter after letter as I sit cross-legged on my top bunk, wrapped in my fleece tie blanket I made in 8th grade. A cold shivers down my arms as I listen to the faint whisper of my neighbor's fan through the wooden panels of the wall, noticing that there's no music echoing through the buds of my headphones. Now for a new song... Ahhh, "Poison & Wine" by The Civil Wars. Such a beautifully crafted song. The simple strumming of the acoustic guitar and the melodious piano mixed with the tremendous duo of Joy Williams and John Paul White. It makes my heart tremble with awe. It heightens the already insightful, thinking mood I'm in. My head is wrapped around so much. School, God, friendships, romance... Oh the latter, haha. Romance. How long it's been since I've tasted that. What was it, a little less than two years and two months when my ex-boyfriend and I broke up? Goodness, how I hate that prefix "ex". There's so much distaste in it. It makes me think of a cold heart, and all the negatives endured in that relationship. I don't want to remember those. In fact, I don't want to remember much at all. I've been so haunted by my past relationship recently -- viewing his Facebook statuses and seeing that charming, chubby face with little patches of fuzz snapped across my home page. I miss that guy. But it's time to move on. No more talking about him. I'm over him. I really am. The first two months of school were a healing phase -- a time period where I was emotionally redeemed and freed. I felt like a little white dove being released from it's cage, what a beautiful picture. Now I'm trapped again in that cage. The ropes have been pulling, and I'm stuck in a feeling of confusion and uncertainty. I want to trust in the Lord and believe that he will carry me through, but the lies of the enemy keep popping in my head. You aren't pretty enough to have a guy like you. Even more so, you don't have the character and inner beauty a man of God would be looking for in his dream girl. You're afraid to pursue real relationships and dive into the messy core of the matter. You're a weakling, ready to fall and touch the ground and never get back up again. You're insane for handing all that's on your plate. You are too much of a burden for anyone to care about. No one will want to pay the extra effort into getting to know you by performing random acts of kindness, or by giving up something to be with you. No one wants to send you mail, a card, or even a text, because you aren't a good enough friend. You don't know how to carry on a conversation with another human being. You fail at communication and will never succeed as a journalist because of your awkwardness. Lies. The lies keep coming... They filter through my brain and I cannot stop them... I want to believe them, so, SO, terribly. I want to fall victim to the enemy and let myself be consumed by the world's views. "No," I have to tell myself. NO! I will not believe these lies. I will not be trapped by false figments of my mind. I will be strong and courageous and beautiful, and stand up against what is a lie. I will follow truth, and truth alone. Truth that is found in my Savior, Jesus Christ. He tells me that I am His Beloved and that I am so very precious to His Kingdom. I have a plan and a purpose in my life, and he's taking me further along that path every day. I don't need to worry or be discouraged, because He is by my side. I don't need to tremble with fear or fall back into the shadows, where I am slain to the lies. I am free. I am beautiful. And I am worthy of a man of God someday, someone who is so incredible and amazing and full of the Holy Spirit. Someone who will treasure me and take time out of their day for the little things; the small things that all add up to pure, relentless love in the end.

A Brother

I've always wished for an older brother. A brother who I could look up to for advice, but also have ridiculously fun adventures with. Someone who I could respect and be able to share all my thoughts, emotions, and questions with. Someone who I could rely on for protection and support. Whenever I see a young girl with her older brother, maybe pushing her on the swing or simply walking side-by-side in the park, a feeling of longing creeps into my heart. This is what I've yearned for ever since I've grown up. My brother would be my best friend, but also my protector and comforter. The guy in school who would support me when all the other guys would be messing with me emotionally and mentally. The guy who would have a talk with my boyfriend if he ever hurt me or treated me wrong. And also the guy who would do exciting, even risk-taking activities with me: cliff jumping of the ridges of Lake Superior, 4-wheeling in the middle of winter through two feet of snow, kayaking through the trembling rapids of the Kettle River... A brother would fulfill so much in my life, and its what I'm missing.

Leading up to my freshman year at North Central, I never experienced even a glimpse of what it meant to have a brother. A real man of God who would challenge me, support me, and protect me. The only kinds of male roles I had in my life were my father, my grandpa, a boyfriend, and a friend.

My father has never been the kind of father I had hoped and dreamed for as a little girl. I imagined myself as a princess in a pink gown full of sequins, dancing with my father's massive hands in my tiny little hands. Instead, this dream was shattered by the divorce of my parents during the summer of 5th grade. My father moved out of the house, and went on to live with my grandma before he married again. Ever since that tragic event, I've held onto a bitterness for my father. Only up until recently have I been able to forgive him and get to know him better. I love my dad, even though it's hard to forget what he did several years ago. I'm trying to put more effort and time into getting to know him better, whether it be by visiting his house for a home-cooked Mexican meal from my stepmom or by venturing it through the wilderness in the Boundary Waters on a 12-mile canoe trip. Every experience we've had together has shaped me to be a more bold and confident woman.

My grandpa has always been in my life, and I remember when I was a wee little girl when I would read newspaper headlines to him while he videotaped. He made at least a dozen home videos of my sister and I growing up when we would spend our days before elementary school being babysit by them. After our family moved to where I currently live in 3rd grade, I didn't see my grandpa as much. I would see him and my grandma for holidays and special occasions, but hardly ever outside of that.

When I was in 11th grade, I began my first serious relationship with a guy at school. His name was Matt, and he was a real charmer. He was funny, sweet, caring, and obsessed with sports and video games. He would become the guy I became closest with during the year-and-a-half of our relationship. We would go on dates to the movie theater, the zoo, or other generic "date" places and also spend time at each other's houses. We were the couple in school that always had to be with one another -- the couple holding hands through the halls and giving each other a peck on the lips between classes. I would go to his football games, and he would come to my orchestra concerts. We were head over heels "in love", as a high school romantic would say (if you can even call that romance).

The last kind of male role in my life has been that of a friend. I specifically want to talk about my friend Neil here. I met Neil in 6th grade at an Academic Triathlon meet (yes, I'm a nerd). We became friends in the same circle of friends I carried throughout middle school and high school. We would be classified as the music nerds, if you wanted to slap a stereotype on us. Neil was someone would I could trust and talk to, but I never shared anything too personal with him. He was nice and compassionate, and I enjoyed his company. His family also adored me, so we were almost brothers in that matter.
None of the men in my life have ever fulfilled the true role of a brother, however. Neil came close, and Matt extended far beyond what I want in a brother. All I've ever wanted is a guy who I can tell almost anything to, and who I won't have feelings for (and he won't have any back). I think it's nearly impossible to find a guy who can fit this role. At school right now, there are many amazing guys who I look up to and respect as men of God. But I have a hard time peeling off the layers of the onion and getting to know them. There's this level of awkwardness and trust that needs to be broken in my of my guy relationships. I'll meet a guy, but maybe only say "hello" to and "how are you?" in the halls. And that'll be the limit of our friendship, or more like acquaintance. This year I'm really trying to make an effort to get to know my guy friends as real brothers. Not all of them, but a few. A couple hand-picked men of God who would have an impact in my life. I'm not going to say names, but I just want to thank these guys for making an effort to pour more into our friendship. More than the simple conversations, more than Facebook or text communication. Guys who actually want to sacrifice their time getting to know me better. These are guys I treasure in my heart. And I don't want to make it more than that. I don't want to look at a brother and think, "Oooh, he'd be a fun guy to date. I think I like him." NO! That's the complete opposite. Which is something I've always struggled with. All that said, this year I really am going to make an effort to be vulnerable with a few guys who I think could make phenomenal brothers. I'm going to share my story with them, share what's going on in my life, and ask about how they're doing so I can encourage them and support them. A brother in Christ is all that my heart truly desires now, besides my never-ending desire to love my heavenly Father.

Puzzle Pieces

Uncertainty clouds my vision. I am blinded by a hazy fog, and I cannot find the way out of this maze. There are so many directions leading in various places. Hills, valleys, streams, mountains, plains, forests... Which path is the right path? I dare not step foot into one of these places until I know fully well that it's where I'm supposed to be. This is the scenario I find myself in. A handful of decisions staring at me in the face. The future of next semester is haunting. Where will I live? Where will I work? How will I maintain my ministry? Will I earn enough money to pay for tuition? I don't know what to do. I've spent hours thinking and putting efforts towards creating a plan for next semester, but I still lie in the shadows of the unknown. I've calculated all the numbers and figures of finances, but they all seem like a blur on the spreadsheet when I fix my eyes upon them. It's like the puzzle of my life has been torn apart, and all the pieces lie scattered on the old cement floor. I must pick them up, piece by piece, color by color, shape by shape. Affix them with one another again until they form the balanced, unified portrait of my life again.
God, give me strength. Give me wisdom. Give me guidance. Give me discernment. I believe if I seek after you, then you will provide me with all the right answers. Speak to me through your Word, your messengers, and your own voice. I believe that You will provide for me next semester and open up the right doors for me, and close all the wrong ones. I trust in You.
"The LORD is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; 
   my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge, 
   my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold."
   Psalm 18:2

Masterpiece

Discouragement is something that always seems to creep itself into the cracks of my mind. A huge part of discouragement, at least for me, is the feeling of loneliness and feeling unloved. This is a poem I wrote to counter the attacks of discouragement. Because God is so in love with me, and desires an intimate relationship with me. I can't forget this, no matter how much the enemy tries to lie to me.

Come away with me, my daughter

My beloved child

cradle yourself in my loving arms

You are loved.

You are worth more

than gold and silver

and treasures kept by men.

You are more beautiful

than the lilies in the field

and the snow-topped mountains on the horizon.

You are my creation

Created in the palms of my hand

from the dust of the earth.

I formed you out of nothing

into something beautiful.

Something so unique and precious

that you are one-of-kind.

No one can replace you

no one can compare to the beauty of your image.

I love every piece of you

every mistake and every failure,

every gift and every good thing,

you are the breathtaking result of my handiwork.

Nothing can change that.

I am your Father

and you, my child

are my masterpiece.

[11/1/11]

Desire

I feel spiritually dead. Over the weekend, I spent all my time working or hanging out with friends. It's not that I wasn't able to spend time with the Lord; I chose not to. I filled that time with other social activities. And this isn't something that just happened this past weekend. Ever since I started my spiritual journey as a Christian, I've struggled with spending time with the Lord. I've never had a period of time where I've consistently spent time with the Lord every day. Of course I've thought about it and even spent hours designating time for it in my schedule, it's just when the time actually hits, I overwrite it with something else -- whether it be productive or not. Even now I am filling my "God time" slot with writing this blog. I don't know how to overcome this pattern in my life. Every time I do it, I look back and feel shame. I ask God for forgiveness, and I know he forgives, but I wonder how he looks at me when he sees me doing it continuously. I envision a picture of God's wrath burdening on his holy face. He is ashamed for me. It's like I'm running on a treadmill. Always working towards an intimate relationship with my Savior, but never actually putting a valiant effort into it. I'm afraid to step off the rotating black belt with nothing in my way, but never actually going anywhere. The thought of setting my foot on the rugged trail of venturing towards a real relationship with Christ, with all the struggles and challenges, scares me. I don't know how to encounter Christ daily and interact with him. For me, it only happens through congregational worship and prayer that is planned ahead of time. When I have to make my own time for God, I always find away around it. Because no one will know if I skip it. And I'm not saying that I don't want to spend time with God. I do, it's just I get distracted so easily and Satan's voice reels me away from it. Basically what I'm trying to say is that I don't know what it means to have a burning passion for Christ, and I want that. I want to know the Lord so closely, that I am always hungering towards him. I want to always be searching for a way to get to know him better. But how? That's the question. I suppose I could keep on allotting time for him every day, but that won't do anything unless I actually do it. I need a spark of motivation every day. I need a boost to push me into that time with God, even if I don't want to or make excuses. I need accountability. And maybe when I embark on this journey, God will begin to do things like never before. Maybe he'll begin teaching me things I was blind to before. Maybe he'll instill a burning desire for him. Whatever it is, I want it. Just to spend time with the Lord and dig into his Word. This is my heart's longing.

Prodigal Son

As I sat in the mess of blankets on my bed last night, I took out my journal and pencil and began scribbling a poem. It turned out to be something totally different than I had imagined when I began writing. The idea in my head originally was to map out a poem that followed the journey of a believer on their drifting away from Christ, and the road back to the cross. But instead, it follow the journey of a believer and the thoughts and feelings after they turn their back on God. I don't know if I wrote it "right", and it's only a rough draft, but I just wanted to share it with you. Feel free to comment and post suggestions.

I walk through this valley
Satan's voice tempting me at every corner.
I am derailed from life's path,
and the world caves in all around me.
The sex
the drugs
the drinking
are all my new refuges.


I have become one of "them".
The ones Christians point out on the street as wretched and lost,
the ones who party because they have nowhere else to hide their sin.


I am a hypocrite.
I have become a rotten soul
not worth dying for.
You cannot convince me of anything,
not a hope,
a faith,
or a love.
It doesn't matter what 1 Corinthians 13 says.
I am unworthy of Christ's love.


But what about Paul the Apostle, you say?
What about Rahab?
What about the prodigal son?
I have wandered afar.
So far,
that I have become spiritually broken.
My soul is not satisfied
with the things I consume it with.
I am desperate for more.

So why don't you show me that?
Why don't you spare me a quarter so I can buy something to eat?
Why don't you see the hurt in my eyes and pull me away from the guy with his arms all over me?
Why don't you look at my ugly, scarred, dirty face, but at the well-dressed businessman?

I am no one to you.
Yet your gospel preaches that you are to
"love your neighbor as yourself" and
"feed the broken".
I don't see that.
So how can I believe your message?


[10/29/2011]

Give Me Your Eyes

What does it mean to truly love the Lord and others? This is what's been resting on my heart all day. I'm in this season of life where I'm trying to discover and unveil the Lord. I'm trying to seek after His will and His heart, and let His desires resonate with mine. I want to be so hungry for Him. I want to yearn after Him every minute of the day, and have this unquenchable thirst for more of Him. More of His love, His grace, His peace, His kindness, His goodness... Everything that the Lord gives. For He is the provider of everything we could ever ask for. He's there for us in our time of need, when we're walking through the valley of death and we feel like we can't take one step further. He's there when we feel like we've given up and failed. He's there to reassure us through the storms of this life. He doesn't care if we're perfect or consistently doing things for His glory. Yes, He rejoices when we do, but all He wants first is for us to be. To live in the Lord and the promises He has given us. To dance with joy because of his provisions, and love on Him with all of our heart, soul, and mind. Teach me how to love You, Lord. Teach me to bow myself at Your feet, and humble myself completely and wholly to You. I am Yours, and You have made me a new creation. Show me what it means to love You with everything that I am. I want to consistently seek after You. For You have given me a life and delivered me from the chains of my past, and You have a plan and a purpose that You are building right now. Open my eyes to the unseen, Lord. Give me Your eyes.

To Love Another

Love God. Love people. I'm sure you've heard this phrase before. It's the famous tagline of Dr. Anderson, our president at NCU. It's kind of like the unofficial mission statement of North Central, I guess. It's what we as students strive to live for. We want to love God first and emanate that love to everyone around us. The phrase didn't really unfold itself to me until this morning in chapel, though. It was our first chapel service after Fall Break, which marked the middle of the semester. As we were worshipping, I felt a shift in my heart taking place. For the past two months or so, my focus has been on breaking the chains that bind me to my past. I encountered God multiple times with the issue, asking him to release me and give me freedom. I was tested and challenged several times when I went home, but now I feel that God has something new for me. Even though I didn't always succeed at overcoming my past mistakes when I was surrounded by them, God was always there to help me and support me. I feel like I have gained confidence and trust in the Lord over the past few months, and now it is time for something more. Something deeper and greater that will put me out on the battlefield again. Something resonating with my heart ever since the beginning of school has been the desire to love on people. I kind of shoved this aside as I tuned myself into letting go of the past. Of course I'm always trying to share God's love with others, whether it be through a simple flash of a smile or a handmade card in someone's mailbox. But I haven't seriously committed to serving and loving on people every minute of every day. There's times when my selfish desires or bad attitude will surpass my actions to love on others. Right now I put myself before others, and I want this to flip-flop. I want to humble myself down to a servent. I want to wait on other people's feet. I want to be like the woman who poured her expensive perfume on Jesus' feet and washed it off with her hair. I want to be selfless. I want to live off the minimum, and give all my other efforts for the joy and happiness of others. Because it's not about me. It's about God, others, and then me. I am an instrument of God's love that needs to be pouring itself into the lives of others 24/7.

Real

I've come to the conclusion that since Tumblr is officially blocked at my school, that I must resort all my thoughts, questions, and emotions to my Blogspot. There's no other outlet for it other than a journal, which would require bursts of muscle in my hand to prevent me from getting writer's cramp. So I'd rather type out my thoughts simply on a screen, where I can make as many edits as I want. But on to what's on my mind.
Today I realized that I live in a community of surface relationships. I don't go beyond the simple "Hi, how are you?" conversations with many of the people in my life. And if I do go beyond a mere greeting, there isn't much depth to a lot of the conversations I have with people. We talk about the easy stuff: classes, music, people, movies, etc. And sometimes the conversations I have with people are totally pointless in a matter -- the content is purely for humor and entertainment, revolving around nothing but jokes and snarky comments. I'm sick of the shallow level of communication in my life. I want to dive deeper, into the unknown and the risky places. I actually want to get to know people for who they really are. I'm tired of hearing "good" or "fine" when I ask how someone is doing. I want to uncover what's really going on behind the facade they put on. I want to experience risk and force myself to muster up trust with people. I don't want anything but blatent honesty. I want realness, even if it is the bad and the ugly. I don't care. I don't want to live in the safe and happy world anymore, I want to plunge myself into the world of chaos and uncertainty where Jesus is the only answer to overcome all the problems going on. All I want is for the masks on the relationships I have to shatter. I want the walls that are hindering me from growing closer to the people in my life to break. All I want is realness.

Bagel With No Cream Cheese

Out of much frustration and loss of introspectiveness, I created this new blog. Honestly, I didn't want to make it in the first place. Because there's really only one reason why I made it: The IT Department at my school blocks Tumblr, which is where I've been blogging for almost two months now. It made me incredibly sad when I tried to access my blog, and it was blocked. I attempted to unblock the site by e-mailing the tech-y people, but they were still unable to unblock it. Which sucks. A lot. So here I am, with my new blog on Blogspot. It's okay; not as cool as my Tumblr though. It doesn't have that artsy-hipster feel, like Tumblr. I feel like this is so generic and plain. Like a bagel with no cream cheese. Isn't that just a flavor fail in your mouth when you eat it? I think so. So we'll see how this goes. At least I get a chance to unleash all my thoughts and emotions someplace, without getting writer's cramp. I'm satisfied, nonetheless.