My Paper Heart

Lately I've discovered how weak my heart is.

I've always struggled with self-worth and identity, just like 99.9% of the female population has. And through this, I tend to seek acceptance in the wrong things. I am constantly searching to find love from people, especially guys.

Acceptance has been my biggest life struggle.

I want to say I'll overcome it, I want to say I'll conquer it. But I'm intimidated of the journey. Scared I'll mess up along the way.

You see, I have this hole in my paper heart that I'm longing to fill with love from "that special someone". The problem? I fill the hole with gunk and temporary joy.

Maybe a guy will come along for a short period of time and make me "feel good" about myself. He'll enlighten my spirits, encourage me, and want to invest time in me. These kind actions soften my hearts toward him and make me vulnerable to fall into an emotional attachment to him. This has happened too many times in my life, at every stage in my walk with the Lord.

What I realized is that I need to empty this hole of desire momentarily, and fill it up with Jesus. Overflow it with Jesus.

I know this entire year I've been holding back. I'm continuously reminding myself to dig into the Word more, spend more personal time with the Lord, pray more, etc.

Instead, I've been filling my spacious moments with work, people, and entertainment. Not the Lord. I can honestly say that the Lord is not #1 in my life right now like He should be.

It chews away at me knowing that I'm not giving my whole heart and being to the Lord, but there's a part of me that is comfortable with it. I'm satisfied with doing other things that are less risky, and my sinful nature delights in ignoring the Lord when He calls upon me.

What I'm trying to say is that I just need to let go of searching for the person the Lord has destined me to cross path with. At least until I'm fully satisfied in Him, and He has my entire heart in His hands.

This is a quote that one of my brothers in Christ kept pounding into me:

"Don't seek opportunities. Seek the Lord, and the opportunities will follow." -Mark Batterson

Basically, what this is saying is that we, as humans, shouldn't always hunger towards our desires and wants. We need to maintain some sense of control and keep that freedom God-oriented, but at the same time, we need to be constantly seeking after the Lord and asking Him for His will in our lives. We need to LISTEN and OBEY.

When we become totally wrapped up in the Lord, and He is guiding our every step, then He will guide the right person we're meant to marry into our lives. Maybe they're been there all along, maybe they haven't. Who knows. Only the Lord.

It's kind of like that saying, "A girl needs to be so lost in the Lord, that a guy needs to seek Him to find her."

I need to shift my eyes back to the Lord and let Him captivate me as His daughter, princess and bride.

False Identity

Sometimes I wonder if I'm ever strong enough to tackle the things burning deep inside my soul.
I want to forgive...I want to fight social injustice...I want to breath the Word of God in my everyday life... The list goes on. I have a fiery, burning passion for the plans and desires the Lord has given me, but there's one thing that always ties me up: FEAR.
And it's not necessarily fear of the outcome. It's fear of the process.
I'm terrified that I'll become activated and start working towards a goal, and then fail halfway through. I hate it. In my weakness I crumble and beat myself up.
Let me share a Bible story with you. It's found in Numbers 13:26-33. This is the period in history after the Israelites have been released from Egypt, and the Lord calls on Moses to send out 13 spies into the land of Canaan. The men travel all over the land, and when they return, they report their findings to Moses. They tell him that the land is rich and fertile, but something is standing in their way: people who are stronger than they are. Also known as "giants".
All but two of the spies doubt that they will be able to take over the land. They fear that the Israelites will be overtaken again, and so they end up staying in their current location.
The two spies who go against the majority are Caleb and Joshua. Caleb's boldness in verse 30 astounds me:
“We should go up and take possession of the land, for we can certainly do it.”
No one else, besides Joshua, has faith in this action. This leads to the Israelites becoming consumed by fear, which then leads to their wandering in the wilderness for 40 years.
The problem with the Israelites was fear of the road ahead -- specifically the giants. They knew in their hearts the Lord had a land promised to them, but when they were faced with road barriers, they faded into the shadows of fear. Fear became a huge weight on their shoulders preventing them from stepping out in faith and trusting that the Lord would give them The Promised Land.
But even more so, the Israelites were too comfortable in their identity as slaves. It became their reality in Egypt, and being set free was something totally new and bizarre to the Israelites. They didn't know who they were without Pharoah's control over them.
Many times, we don't know who we are when we are given the freedom to chase after our dreams. The Lord thrusts an opportunity in our path pointing towards our dream, but we ignore it because we are too afraid of it. We're too used to the "comfortable" life we're living -- going to school, working a part-time job, hanging out with friends on the weekends, etc. When something new comes our way that captures our interest, we become empowered and excited, but when we discover the sacrifices we'll have to make in order to add it to our plate, a lot of the time we stumble and back away.
We have become enslaved by our comforts. I'm not saying that being in a comfortable position in life is bad, but we need to find a balance between living comfortably and taking risks for God's Kingdom and letting Him lead our lives. We need to put our FULL trust in the Lord, and believe that His way is the best way. Even though He may guide us through valleys, hills, and rocky roads, the end is a beautiful and fertile valley, springing with rich fruit the Lord has planted for us.
We also need to understand fully who we are in Christ. As humans, we tend to develop highly personal beliefs about ourselves that define us. Many times these are negative, and they scream into our ears everything that's messed up with us. Instead of listening to our own judgment of ourselves, or the enemy speaking lies in our heads, we need to OVERCOME these misinterpretations with truth from Scripture. Our identity needs to be rooted in who God calls us -- His children (John 1:12), His friend (John 15:15), justified (Romans 5:1), redeemed and forgiven (Colossians 1:13-14), anointed (2 Corinithians 1:21-22), citizen of heaven (Philippians 3:20)... etc.
God did not create us to be wallflowers or benchwarmers. He did not create us to play it safe and live life in the "safe" zone. He created us in His image to spread the good news of the Gospel by taking bold steps of faith that blow our circumstances out of proportion.

Letters

Last Friday, Craig Gross from XXX Church came to speak at my school. He helps people struggling with sex and pornography get out of that lifestyle and become pure again. At the end of his message, he talked about a challenge he puts each of his clients through. They write a letter from their addiction to themselves, and then write a letter back to that sin proclaiming truth and freedom.
As I was worshiping the Lord tonight, this idea of writing a letter to my struggle came to mind. It's been something I've been wrestling with for as long as I can remember, but I've never been able to approach it head on. We were singing "Break Every Chain" by Jesus Culture, and the worship leader was talking to us about how we needed to release ourselves from the things tying us down. My mind began to float, and I realized my chains were plain in front of my face: my insecurity. It's been holding me back from seeing who I am FULLY in the eyes of the Lord and not letting other people get in the way of that.
So I wrote a letter to it. This is the very first copy, straight word-for-word from my journal. I know I haven't overcome it yet, and this is the first of many letters yet to come, but I feel the twine has been loosened on my feet and my wrists.

Dear Insecurity,
You have grappled with me long enough. I am free from you! You don't define me anymore. My worth and identity are found in the Lord!
I don't need to live up to the world's expectations of me.
I don't need to pretend that my life is perfect.
I don't need to compare myself to others.
The Lord has created me beautiful, strong and unique! I am His beloved, His child. He will never leave me nor forsake me. He will wrap His lovingkindness around me like eagle's wings.

"How precious is Your lovingkindness, O God! And the children of men take refuge in the shadow of Your wings." (Psalm 36:7)

You won't conquer my thoughts or feelings anymore. I will rebuke you with truth from the holy and living Word of God! The slander and judgment from others are lies and deception from the enemy. The Lord did not create you, Insecurity. You are from the pit of hell and I command in the name of Jesus that you go back to that place! You have no right to occupy my life anymore.
I am worth more than the stars in the sky, more beautiful than Solomon's robes, more precious than gold and silver. I am a warrior princess that the Lord has raised up from the dead! I am no longer dead to sin, but Christ reigns IN me.

"For sin shall not be your master, because you are not under law, but under grace." (Romans 6:14)

Your victim-no-more,
Rebekah

Mirror, Mirror

It's funny how one song that you've heard a million times before and know entirely by heart can all of a sudden carry a whole new meaning.
That's what happened this morning at church. It was the second song of the worship set at the end of the sermon. The strumming of the acoustic guitar began, echoed by the soft steady beat of the drums in the background. Then the lyrics spilled out of the worship leader's mouth:
Nothing can separate
Even if I ran away
Your love never fails
It was after this first verse that my eyes became damp with splotches of tears. I've heard all the Bible verses that resonate Romans 8:38-39, but the hardcore truth never hit me until that very moment.

"For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." (NIV)

This entire semester, there's been one key struggle in my life. A weakness that I've been dragging along everywhere I walk. What's that weakness? The inability to finish goals.
Here's a simple example: I made a 40-day commitment during Lent to fast from all forms of media used for entertainment (Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube, etc.). I started off strong and excited for the journey ahead, but about a week after the first day, I gave up. I couldn't do it. I started accessing these websites whenever I had a block of free time.
I hadn't realized how discouraged I've become because of my failure to be disciplined. I've been living life too loosely, and although there is a need for freedom and spontaneity in life, sometimes you need to be challenged and held accountable for things. Because that's the only way you're going to grow.
The biggest area of my life where I've struggled with following through with commitments is in my walk with the Lord. I've always had a difficult time scheduling time to spend time with the Lord every day. I go to chapel every day and pray during times of fellowship with others, but I haven't been digging into the Word and just sitting in the Lord's presence.
I desire to live a life wholly committed to worshiping the Lord. But I can't achieve this if I'm putting other things - the Internet, friends, knitting, TV, etc. - before the Lord.
This morning the Lord reminded me that His grace NEVER stops pouring down on me. His mercy triumphs over judgment! I don't need to beat myself up for always failing and slipping.
As 2 Corinthians 12:9 puts it:

"But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me." (NIV)

This passage has been a pillar in my walk with the Lord recently. He has been reminding me that in my weakness, He is strong. The Lord is my Refuge, my Rock and my Comforter.
I don't need to look into the mirror of my past mistakes anymore. I don't need to look back and say, "Look at  how much you failed when you tried this last time. You'll never be able to succeed at it." These are lies of the enemy creeping into my head! I will rebound them with truth from my Savior:
I am His masterpiece.
I am loved.
I am His child.
I am His beloved.
And because of these truths, I am worth more than the sum of my past mistakes (taken from the song "You are More" by Tenth Avenue North). In fact, the Lord washed all of these mistakes - the sin and ugliness of my past - away when He died on the cross! He was pierced and crushed for all of our iniquities. When He rose again, He declared freedom from sin and brought new life! A re-making, a new identity in my Lord Jesus.

At The Lord's Feet

As the morning of my grandma's surgery sneaks up closer and closer, I am becoming even more and more terrified. I fear the thought of her coming out of the surgery weak and unhealthy. I am afraid that her body will collapse during the middle of the surgery, and that the doctors won't know what to do during it. Fear is welling up inside of me like a fire, and I can't seem to contain it.

I've never experienced anything more tragic than this.

I've never experienced the death of a close friend or family member.

I've never walked alongside someone going through cancer.

I've never seen extreme suffering firsthand.

I know I may sound weak, but to be completely honest... I am. I swell up at the most minor of incidents. I cry at the flash of a gun being shot or a mother screaming at her child.

But guess what? The Lord pours out His strength during the moments I stumble! He picks me up, and whispers this into my ear:

"[Child], my grace is sufficient for you. My power is made perfect in weakness." (2 Cor. 12:9)

The Lord is directly telling me that His grace is ENOUGH. Enough! What does that mean? It means that His grace fulfills what is needed without being in excess. His graces spills into my cup, and when it is full to the brim, His power explodes out of every wall in my life.

In the same passage, Paul goes on to write: "For when I am weak, then I am strong." (2 Cor. 12:10)

When I surrender everything to the Lord at His feet and give up all control of my life, then the door is open for the Lord's strength and power to sweep in and move mountains.

The Lord has been teaching me a lot about sacrifice. He's taught me that all sacrifice needs to be done with a heart of worship first and foremost, and that love and justice should be at the core of it. But the thing I've learned that's the most essential is that sacrifice needs to be COMPLETE. It can't just be half-heartily, or even 99%. It needs to be total surrender at the foot of the cross. Otherwise there will be things you'll still be holding onto that will hinder you from following the Lord the entire way.

As I wrestle through this moment in my life, I need to continue to learn how to lay everything down in my life. And not just my future and my strengths - but my weaknesses as well. EVERYTHING. The whole package.

I struggle with giving the Lord control, and that's something I'm asking the Lord to stretch me with. I want to be able to fully let god and let God! That's been my motto recently. It flashes on my screen background every time I switch on my laptop, and it's been tapering almost every page of my journal for the past month.

Don't hold back anymore. Release the ties that are holding you onto worldly things. If you are encountering fear, anxiety, sadness, stress, etc... these feelings are not from the Lord! They are from the enemy, and it means you aren't fully counting on God. Make the Lord your comfort zone. He knows the situation and the best outcome, no matter what it is. He is good and faithful, and will never fail you!

"My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." (Psalm 73:26)

Broken

I wasn't expecting it; I didn't want to feel it. But obviously God had a different plan.

It was a week-and-a-half ago on a Friday night. Every Friday night, a student-run casual street evangelism outreach at my school -- called Encounter -- walks to the Block E district of Minneapolis to talk and pray with people who are partying and drinking at the clubs. I got involved with the ministry last year, and have been going ever since. I've probably been to at least a dozen Encounters.

This Friday was different. I was hanging out with my friend Becka in Uptown before meeting up for prayer at 10:00 p.m. We were walking down to The Beat, and all of a sudden I started feeling pains in my stomach. It couldn't have been the food I had eaten earlier, and I hadn't been sick all day. Despite the continuous pains, I kept walking until we got to The Beat. By the time we left, the pains had gotten worse, but they were still bearable. I hopped into Becka's car and drove back to school. We met up with the rest of the group at 10:30 p.m.

During worship and prayer, I began pacing back and forth in prayer, and then squatted down against the wall with my hands covering my face. The pains had become excruciating. I was almost in tears.

Lord, why am I feeling this way? I don't understand; I've never felt this way before Encounter.

Typically during Encounter, I feel empowered and filled with the Holy Spirit to go out on the streets and love on the lost sons and daughters of the Father. This night I felt the opposite. I was hurting and torn, totally unprepared to go out (as I thought).

Jake gathered the entire room in a circle for corporate prayer. He asked how everyone was doing and if the Lord was speaking to them, and I couldn't hold back. The burden was overwhelming. As I started to explain how I felt to my sisters and brothers in Christ, I started tearing up. I was surrounded by the loving arms of my dearest sisters in Christ. One of them approached me and told me that the pain I was feeling was for the people we were about the encounter on the streets.

Yes, of course! That makes sense. But why?

I started to grasp why the Lord was sharing a bit of His brokenness with me, but I didn't know how it would change my perspective -- until we reached the darkest corners of downtown Minneapolis.

We arrived in the Block E around midnight. My partner Becka and I walked to First Ave. right away. There was a heavy presence of spiritual darkness we could sense over the venue. We started to pray at a street corner for the brokenness we saw. After 10 minutes of prayer, we walked to the light rail platform near Sneaky Pete's. We sat down on a bench and "people watched" while continuing to pray in the Spirit for the Lord's lost sheep surrounding us.

A small thin girl wearing a tiny gold dress was sitting across from us with two men. The men kept harassing her, and she kept swearing at them all the while still letting them say these rude things to her. The group was obviously drunk, but it was still incredibly difficult to watch the girl receive this kind of treatment. There were similar situations everywhere we looked.

This Friday night was a night of prayer. We didn't get to talk to anyone about the Lord, but the Lord shared a piece of His heart with us. He specifically spoke to me about the unconditional and powerful love He has for His people.

"But God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us." -Romans 5:8

God's love is INCREDIBLE. What sticks out to me in this verse is the extent God's love goes for us -- He sacrificed His only Son for us on a tree!

The death of Jesus Christ is the ultimate symbol of true love. He died for all the sins of humankind that were in the past, and were to come in the future! Every. Single. Sin.

This kind of love is immeasurable to human standards. No man can even love His wife this much. Although we can earnestly seek after the Lord and desire after His heart, we will always fall short of true love.

Just imagine the pain and the brokenness the Father feels for his lost sons and daughters who are still in the shadows. He groans at the thought that they have turned their backs from Him; Satan has literally shielded their eyes with a veil preventing them from seeing the glory of the Lord. Only God Himself can tear the veil!

But guess what? The Lord tore the veil on the night of Jesus' death.

"At that moment the curtain of the temple was torn in two from top to bottom. The earth shook and the rocks split." - Matthew 27:51

That means the Lord can rip apart the veil blocking every person's soul and spirit from experiencing the love of the Father! The Lord loves His sons and daughters -- for they were created in His very image (Genesis 1:27). He is jealous for them and pursues after them, but we as believers MUST be willing to obey the Lord and the calling He has placed on our lives in order for them to come home to the Father. We must "go into all the world and preach the good news to all creation" (Mark 16:15). This involves two major things:

1. Sharing the Good News to the lost people of the world with love and compassion.

2. Prayer.

As the night concluded on Friday, the burden started to drift away from my heart. I started to feel relieved and more at peace -- but only because I responded to the message the Lord was speaking to me. He showed me His brokenness and compelled me to stretch myself even more as I share the good news with the people I bump into on a day-to-day basis.