My Paper Heart

Lately I've discovered how weak my heart is.

I've always struggled with self-worth and identity, just like 99.9% of the female population has. And through this, I tend to seek acceptance in the wrong things. I am constantly searching to find love from people, especially guys.

Acceptance has been my biggest life struggle.

I want to say I'll overcome it, I want to say I'll conquer it. But I'm intimidated of the journey. Scared I'll mess up along the way.

You see, I have this hole in my paper heart that I'm longing to fill with love from "that special someone". The problem? I fill the hole with gunk and temporary joy.

Maybe a guy will come along for a short period of time and make me "feel good" about myself. He'll enlighten my spirits, encourage me, and want to invest time in me. These kind actions soften my hearts toward him and make me vulnerable to fall into an emotional attachment to him. This has happened too many times in my life, at every stage in my walk with the Lord.

What I realized is that I need to empty this hole of desire momentarily, and fill it up with Jesus. Overflow it with Jesus.

I know this entire year I've been holding back. I'm continuously reminding myself to dig into the Word more, spend more personal time with the Lord, pray more, etc.

Instead, I've been filling my spacious moments with work, people, and entertainment. Not the Lord. I can honestly say that the Lord is not #1 in my life right now like He should be.

It chews away at me knowing that I'm not giving my whole heart and being to the Lord, but there's a part of me that is comfortable with it. I'm satisfied with doing other things that are less risky, and my sinful nature delights in ignoring the Lord when He calls upon me.

What I'm trying to say is that I just need to let go of searching for the person the Lord has destined me to cross path with. At least until I'm fully satisfied in Him, and He has my entire heart in His hands.

This is a quote that one of my brothers in Christ kept pounding into me:

"Don't seek opportunities. Seek the Lord, and the opportunities will follow." -Mark Batterson

Basically, what this is saying is that we, as humans, shouldn't always hunger towards our desires and wants. We need to maintain some sense of control and keep that freedom God-oriented, but at the same time, we need to be constantly seeking after the Lord and asking Him for His will in our lives. We need to LISTEN and OBEY.

When we become totally wrapped up in the Lord, and He is guiding our every step, then He will guide the right person we're meant to marry into our lives. Maybe they're been there all along, maybe they haven't. Who knows. Only the Lord.

It's kind of like that saying, "A girl needs to be so lost in the Lord, that a guy needs to seek Him to find her."

I need to shift my eyes back to the Lord and let Him captivate me as His daughter, princess and bride.