Sickness Of Myself

What surrounds you?
Every morning after I wake up to the obnoxious ringing of my phone alarm, my eyelids crack open to the wide and messy, yet homey and artsy room around me. I sit up on the striped magenta sheets in the corner of the room and use my dresser as a stepladder to reach the floor. My two roommates are usually sleeping at the time I start gearing up for the day.
I walk to my desk, grab my shower basket, a towel, and my toothbrush, and head out the door into the hall that leads to the bathroom. I return and grab a pair of jeans and a shirt that catches my eye for the day. Then I bust out the door, my colorful black star backpacked packed to the bulge with my laptop, notebook, folder, and books.
In these mere 30 minutes of the beginning of a typical weekday for me, hundreds of objects flash before my eyes without my awareness. A yellow photo frame painted with baby blue and pink flowers on it, displaying a glossy photo of one of my best friends and me ice skating at Centennial Lakes last February. A can of linen-scented Febreeze sitting on the edge of my wardrobe. A shiny bronze penny in the middle of the rugged and stained blue carpet.
And those are only three of the thousands of possessions that fill our room. It is obvious that we live in a very materialistic country. Americans are always cashing in their latest paycheck for the newest fashion trend, technology rave, or entertainment option.
I am victim to this myself. It doesn't help working at a retail store when my employee discount is 30% on top of the already reduced prices. I typically buy at least one piece of clothing every two weeks. And it doesn't just stop at my job. When I make my bi-weekly grocery stop at Target, I always browse the Dollar Section to see if I can find anything worth buying, typically unnecessary objects, but enlightening nonetheless. These purchases, though minimal, add up in the long run.
It makes me ponder: Why do I spend my money on what I do? Do I really NEED the items I'm buying?
Then I am reminded of the 925 million people who experience hunger every day. I am reminded of the one in four children that don't get the nutrition they need on a daily basis.
I am tired of seeing pictures of babies with protruding rib cages, inflated stomachs, and arms and legs as thin as needles! It makes me angry that dirt pies are the common diet for children in Sudan. There is injustice in the world and I want to do something about it.
And so I evaluate my own life. I look at my surroundings, my possessions that dot every corner of my dorm room... and I am unsatisfied. I still have things on my "wish" list. I look at at the multiple cafeteria lines with countless meal options, consisting of meats, pizza, salads, cereal... and I complain. I nag about the terrible quality of our college's catering services. I go to work and chat with my fellow co-workers... and we whine about how we would rather be somewhere else. We aren't thankful for our job.
These are only a few significant examples of my life that I accuse myself of daily. It makes me want to puke because of how selfish I am. My sinful nature still rules inside of me, even though the Lord has made me a new creation. This is a result of The Fall, when Adam and Eve ate the fruit of the tree of life.
I don't want to live like this, though! I don't want to rant about all of the problems I face everyday in my worldview. I don't want to be negative or pessimistic. I don't want to become drive by materialism any longer.
I want to bring joy, encouragement and truth! I want to see through eyes of thankfulness. I want to be reminded of the blessings the Lord has given me daily. I want to delight in everything the Lord has provided me with - a family, friends, education, a job, etc.! I have nothing to complain about when I am confronted with the injustices of the world.
I need to shift my attention towards those in need instead. I need to desire to give of myself so they can experience the same joy and happiness I feel.
What can I do?

• Instead of purchasing unnecessary things, such as a coffee drink for an outing with a friend or that gorgeous dress that went clearance this week that I think I might absolutely need, I will set aside that money to sponsor a non-profit.
• Only eat the minimum amount of food needed for a healthy daily nutrition intake. This means only water to drink, and no desserts.
• Silencing my voice and asking deep, open-ended questions focuses on others. Asking them about their day, their interests, their dreams. Less of me and more of them. Because they are more interesting than me.

These are some possible challenges I can take on. I will reflect over these the next few days by bringing them to the Lord and asking Him how He wants to challenge me. Are these the right steps to take? What can I do in order to bring glory to His name and help His people?

40 Days

Recently the Lord has been tugging on my heart about SACRIFICE. What does it mean? And what am I willing to sacrifice on a personal level?
Today was the official start for the 40-day period of Lent. Many people in the church will be giving up something in these next 40 days, whether for the right reasons or not. Soda, chocolate, and Facebook are common things that people fast.
Days before this season, I had no idea I would be participating in such a ritualistic observance. I didn't grow up Catholic or Lutheran, so I had no experience with Lent. One day when I was browsing my Facebook newsfeed, an ad in the sidebar caught my attention. It was for World Vision ACT:S. I decided to click on it and look into it more.
World Vision ACT:S is a 6-week challenge over the period of Lent to explore how acts of service can reorient our everyday lives. The launching pad for the challenge was to define "sacrifice" and read Romans 12:1-2. This is what those verses say:
"Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and proper worship. Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will."
The Lord desires to be close with us. In fact, He is jealous for us. He didn't just create us in His image to boast about us! He sent His only Son to die on the cross for our sins and give us eternal life (John 3:16). Now THAT's what you call the ultimate act of love and sacrifice! The cross is a symbol of divine romance. Jesus laid down His life for us. He went through unbearable amounts of pain and suffered for every sin - the white lies, the murders, the gossip... EVERY wrongdoing - of every person that ever did and will walk this earth. That's pure love.
This perfect and holy act of sacrifice compels me to do the same for the glory of the Lord. No, I'm not going to go out and crucify myself on a tree. But I won't be afraid of persecution if it comes to that. I will live a life of righteousness to honor my King and my Father!
How am I going to do that? After thinking through the many things I could sacrifice and the reasons why I would do each, I narrowed it down to this:
I will give up all Internet use except for homework, blogging, e-mail, and ACT:S updates. I will not use the Internet as a "filler" for gaps of time that are both short and long when I have nothing else to do. Instead, I will dedicate that time to the Lord through prayer, reading the Scriptures, fellowshipping with other believers, loving on others, speaking words of encouragement, listening, writing, acting humbly, serving, and being real.
This act of sacrifice will not be easy. It's going to hurt and push me beyond my norm. It's going to require selflessness. I'm going to have to get rid of the "me, me, me" syndrome that's been governing my mind for a long time now. It will be a spiritual battle.
But I know with the Lord by my side and the Holy Spirit living inside of me, I will be able to persevere through these next 40 days! Even though I may fall, I will not give up. I will stay strongly rooted in the Lord and keep my eyes focused on Him.
I don't need to schedule out a huge chunk of my day for the Lord. It's definitely beneficial if I do and the Lord rejoices in that; however, the Lord desires my ENTIRE day! He yearns for bits and pieces of every hour, so that's what I'm going to give Him. I'm going to strive to see Jesus in every moment of my day. I'm going to be a beacon of joy in a place of hopelessness. I'm going to thank the Lord for His beautiful creation surrounding me. I'm going to sprinkle words of encouragement and comfort to the broken.
And even if I stumble, I will not be discouraged. I will be comforted by His grace and keep trying. It will be a process but I am excited for the journey the Lord will take me on during this time. I am the Lord's.

The Symbol of Love

February 14.

The one day on the calendar when greeting card companies lash out bundles of pink and red heart-patterned cards, grocery stores overstock on freshly cut roses and boxes of chocolate, and couples crowd into restaurants for a romantic dinner over candlelight.

Between all the cheesy love messages scribbled on candy hearts and the classic love songs from the 1950s, the meaning of love is much deeper than our society likes to commercialize it.

Valentine's Day can be wrapped up in one symbol, more or less: The heart. A heart represents the undying love between two people, typically those who have romantic feelings for one another. But it can also represent love among friends and families.

The heart is not a bad representation of the overrated, flowery holiday. However, I think there's a much better symbol that emanates the REAL meaning of love. And what's that, you ask? The cross.

The cross is where true love was birthed. Phil Wickham's song, "True Love", paints a beautiful portrait of the scene of Jesus' death on the cross 2,000 years ago.

The earth was shaking in the dark
All creation felt the Father's broken heart
Tears were filling heaven's eyes
The day that true love died, the day that true love died
When blood and water hit the ground
Walls we couldn't move came crashing down
We were free and made alive
The day that true love died, the day that true love died

Jesus died on the cross for all the ugliness of the world that was in the past, was present at the moment, and was yet to come! He shed His blood so we could be saved and guaranteed a place among the heavens in eternity. That's true love.

Whenever this time of the year comes along, it is hard not to get caught up in the emotional rush of human love (especially when you have a significant other) or give yourself a pity party if you are single. I've been a victim of both of these reactions.

This year, however, I am happily "flying it single" and focusing my eyes and my heart on the Lord. I'm going to spend the day reflecting on His perfect and blameless love. I'm going to rejoice with thankfulness for the showers of mercy and grace He has given me!

There's nothing for me to beat myself up about. I'm not going to gorge myself on Oreos and Nutella because I need an alternate source of satisfaction (although my best friend and I love consuming "heartbreak" food whenever we hang out and have a girl's night).

I can be fully confident that I am loved by the King of Kings and Lord of Lords. I am one of His beautiful princesses, and He will never leave me nor forsake me. He works all things together for my good! Now THAT's a good God. Let me leave you with this verse in Jeremiah 31:3, which I think sums up it all:

"The Lord has appeared to us from afar, saying:

'I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with loving-kindness.'" <3

Eating Yourself Out Of The "I-Know-Who-You-Are-But-I-Don't-Really-Know-You" Relationship

I was reading in John 6 yesterday. I stumbled upon the verse where the disciples ask Jesus to give them the bread of God that Jesus describes as "he who comes down from heaven and gives life to the world."

Who is the bread of God?

JESUS. He declares this in verse 35: "I am the bread of life. He who comes to me will never go hungry, and he who believes in me will never be thirsty."

Well obviously, you must be thinking. This is no surprise.

But when I read this verse once again, for the fifty-seventh time I'm sure, something struck me. I was reminded of the Lord's Prayer. Here's the excerpt from it that hit me:
"Give us today our daily bread (Matthew 6:11)."

I immediately connected this 'daily bread' with Jesus' declaration of Himself being the bread of life. Simply put: The Lord is the bread and we NEED the bread daily in order to remain spiritually nourished.

It's just like maintaining a healthy diet by utilizing the food pyramid - we need grains, fruit, vegetables, proteins, dairy, and a teeny tiny portion of fat. If we cut off intake of any one of these food groups, we will lack important vitamins and minerals we need to stay healthy.
When we don't get our daily dosage of "spiritual" bread, AKA Jesus, then our relationship with God will stagger. Look at it this way: If you look like the perfect Christian on the outside - you lead worship every Sunday morning, you volunteer at youth group, and you go to Bible study on Wednesday nights with your friends - but you do not spend any extra one-on-one time with the Lord, then your relationship with Him is weak. Your roots are thin and withered.

You may be connecting with God other times, but the Lord desires to be sought after. He wants you to actually set aside time for Him out of your crazy busy schedule just to soak in His presence. He is a jealous God!

I'm not trying to convict you of anything. This is something I've been struggling with ever since I gave my heart to the Lord. When the Lord delivered me of a past relationship and started to heal me emotionally, I finally started pursuing the Lord in my own time. Before that my Christian life consisted of Sunday morning services and youth group every once in awhile (and only because my mom made me attend). My "relationship" with the Lord wasn't even a real relationship. It was an "I-know-who-you-are-but-I-don't-really-know-you" acquaintance. Super awkward, right? Like a familiarity with that person in your Psychology class who sits beside you and you hold "small talk" every class period, but every time you see them elsewhere it's just plain awkward because you don't know them that well. That's exactly how it is with the Lord when you aren't scheduling time out of your own day for Him!

This school year has been incredibly transforming for me. The Lord pulled me up out of the muddy pit I was treading in, washed me, and now I feel like I can begin to climb the mountain towards the dream God has called me to. It's not easy. The devil likes to deter my journey by thrusting obstacles in my way; and I learned that it will take a lifetime to reach the top of the mountain. But learning how to spend time with the Lord daily - maybe only a simple 5-minute prayer or quick read-through of one of the Psalms - that dramatically impacts my day. I can wake up cranky and tired from getting only five hours of sleep and go to class with a negative attitude, or I can jump out of bed and dig into the Word. One little verse can bring a flood of encouragement to spark my day off on the right note. It's too cool how God speaks even in the mere seconds we give Him.

Bread is becoming a vital component of my spiritual food. I love worshiping and fellowshiping with other believers, but if I'm not devoting a portion of my day to just talk with God in my own time, then how can I grow? Relationships aren't built unless both sides take time investing in one another.

I want to become intimate with the Lord. I want to desire him constantly. I know that He abides inside of me and is my Friend, but I want to dedicate extra time just to get to know Him more. And not only times that fit into my schedule well. ALL THE TIME. A constant connection. I will "taste and see that the Lord is good" (Psalm 34:8) by "eating" the bread that never goes out of stock.

A Slave To Media

Two days ago I took a media fast. It was for a class, but at the same time, it was still something incredibly interesting to experience and learn from.

I scrambled out of bed to the obnoxious buzzing of my alarm at 7:30 a.m. and scurried to class. Initially I forgot about my media fast. I read through the few texts I received from Twitter and the weather forecast, and then I turned my phone off and set it on my desk the remainder of the day.

It was crazy. There were moments when I wanted to turn on my iTunes shuffle and browse through Pinterest, or moments when I wanted to text my friends and ask them how their days were going. It was so hard restraining myself from using media. I felt Amish, in a way (ha ha).

My initial observation was pretty straightforward: Media influences us so much. In our fast-paced, pop culture driven American society, we cannot go one hour without the media world intersecting with our own world. We constantly rely on text messages to communicate with people, Facebook to keep us up-to-date with our friend's lives, Twitter to rant about our daily little happenings of life, and T.V. shows to pull ourselves away from reality and place ourselves in the footsteps of a make-believe character. It's no surprise we become stressed when we don't have these media tools to rely on.

Earlier this week, I logged my media intake for an entire 24-hour period. I filled an entire page in my notebook tracking down every time I used media. I sent a text at 8:00 a.m.; I listened to the radio during my drive to the auto shop; I played Words With Friends during night class; I watched "The Big Bang Theory" on my friend's Netflix. The list goes on and on

After reflecting on my daily dosage of media, I realized that I am irrevocably dependent on media. Media is my master and I am its slave. Why am I okay with this? Media keeps me connected and entertained, and without it, I feel lost and uninformed.

Yet... while my mind compels me to believe this, my heart knows that being tied to media is ultimately tearing away at me little by little.

Let's go back to my media fast. Despite feeling the need to turn on my computer and log-in to Facebook, I felt FREE. I felt more alive and happy than I have been in such a long time. I found joy in talking about life with my RA; I found peace in walking between classes without having to check my phone; I found productivity in doing my homework ahead of schedule rather than waiting for the last minute to do it. I was like a little bird flying free from my cage containing heavy loads of media! As cheesy and cliche as that sounds, it's so incredibly true. The only better feeling in the world is overflowing with the presence of the Lord. And that's saying a lot.

What I learned from my media fast: Media distracts us from the simple things in life.

It drives our attention to the "cyber world", for lack of a better term. Our physical surroundings are slumbered into the background and we become engaged with the pictures, words and videos on the screen. Our minds travel INTO the media form - whether it be a computer, T.V., cellphone, or radio.

When we become absorbed into media, like water in a sponge, it is difficult for us to focus on the simple things in life. We surpass the beautiful moments of life surrounding us without the blink of an eye. We don't see the pink and yellowed painted sky outside our window, and so we miss the opportunity to run outside, lie down on the grass, and enjoy the autumn wind whisper on our cheeks. We lock our eyesight into the screen and don't hear our roommate talk about all that the Lord has been doing in his/her life, and so we miss the opportunity to encourage him/her and share similar thoughts with him/her.

There is so much happening around us, even in the tiny radius of our city. There are people with stories to be heard; there are events about culture and any possible human interest; there are mountains of books to be read; there are activities to DO and CREATE.
God created the world and everything in it wonderfully and uniquely. We should desire to discover it. Go on an adventure. Try something new. Instead of plugging yourself into your Xbox or Facebook for an hour, go on a bike ride. Bake a pie. Fly a kite. Read a non-fiction book about a cause that catches your attention. Knock on your neighbors' door and learn about them. I challenge you.

And this isn't just about you. This is about me.

Recently, my roommates convicted me of using the Internet much more than I should. Whenever I have a spurt of free time, it is so easy to plop down on my bed, snatch my laptop, and surf the Web.

So, I'm taking on a challenge. For the next month, I commit myself to:

• No Facebook or Twitter on my computer
• 15 minutes of Pinterest per day

What will I replace these things with? Ultimately, spending more time with the Lord and digging deeper into relationship with people. Genuinely loving on people by investing my time and energy into them. Learning more about my passion - fighting world hunger. Becoming more grateful in my everyday life. Appreciating the small things the Lord has placed in my life. And that's just the beginning. :-)

Flames

You won't relent until You have it all
My heart is Yours

The lyrics spiral off my lips once again during another Sunday worship service. My hands are raised in surrender to the Lord, and tears begin to mat my face. I am in the Lord's presence. But what am I really singing? I am declaring full submission to the Lord. Am I really going to follow through on this?
Doubt beings to flood my mind. The enemy rattles off the lies once again.
You are such a hypocrite. You act like you love the Lord and rejoice with thanksgiving during worship, but when you leave this place you're going to slip again. Just watch. I'll throw another obstacle in your way and you won't be able to live out what you're declaring now. What a wimp.

I try to stop the negative thoughts rolling through my brain. I keep mouthing the words on the screen and declaring promises of the Lord found in Scripture over me. The language of my heart becomes the language of Scripture and the Holy Spirit.

The song continues.

Come be the fire inside of me
Until You and I are one

I am asking the Lord to fill me up. I am asking him to burn inside of me.

You know what's neat? The analogy of a fire. We are declaring the Lord to dwell inside of us as a fire when we sing this song. A fire!
I did a little research on fires. The definition of fire is: "the rapid oxidation of a material in the chemical process of combustion, releasing heat, light, and various reaction products." That brings us back to high school chemistry class, doesn't it? Haha. Okay, let's dissect this.
Oxidation is the process of oxygen combining with a chemical. In my little analogy, let's call us the chemicals. When we experience the Lord and become ONE with Him, combustion occurs. Spiritual combustion. Spiritual combustion is an outcome of steadfast prayer, devotion, sacrifice, worship, thanksgiving, service, fellowship... Any of the spiritual disciplines that the Lord calls us to.
But what exactly results from a spiritual combustion?

I am reminded of the verse in Malachi 3:3: "He will sit as a refiner and purifier of silver." God is the silver smith and we are the silver he works with. My roommate posted this story from an anonymous source that relates to this analogy:

As a woman watched the silver smith, he held a piece of silver over the fire and let it heat up. He explained that in refining silver, one needed to hold the silver in the middle of the fire where the flames were hottest as to burn away all the impurities. The woman thought about God holding us in such a hot spot - then she thought again about the verse, that he sits as a refiner and purifier of silver.

She asked the silver smith if it was true that he had to sit there in front of the fire the whole time the silver was being refined. The man answered that yes, he not only had to sit there holding the silver, but he had to keep his eyes on the silver the entire time it was in the fire. If the silver was left even a moment too long in the flames, it would be destroyed. The woman was silent for a moment. Then she asked the silver smith, "How do you know when the silver is fully refined?"
He smiled at her and answered, "Oh, that's easy - when I see my image in it."

Pause for a second. Think about that. Are there moments in your life when it seems like all walls are crashing down on you and you can't seem to break through? Probably, yeah. But you know what? God's got His eyes and hands on us. He's watching us through every battle, every pain, and every sadness. And his grip on us will never loosen. The Lord is the mighty and careful silver smith who pays close attention to each one of His creations.

And those difficult moments? He'll pull us out when the time is right. He's allow just enough pain and suffering, and then rescue us so we can "go out into all the earth" and proclaim our story of restoration and deliverance to others. For it is by the blood of the lamb and the word of our testimony that we change the world.

Blessed

Tonight I spent an hour cuddled with pillows on my RA's couch. I spilled out everything floating inside my mind to her. She's simply amazing for just listening to me talk!

What I learned: I am so incredibly blessed by such encouraging, loving, and inspiring people.

Seriously, I'm surrounded by a flock of such cool cats (to put it in fun, light-hearted words)!

My roommates push me to be BOLD and REAL.

My close friends listen to me, share smiles and tears with me, challenge me, and wrap words and actions of kindness around me.
My co-director of Steps to Beauty motivates me to finish what I start.

My floormates encourage me and love on me through simple chats in the halls.

My family supports my goals and my dreams by surrounding me with love and providing for me as much as they can.
My brothers in Christ uplift me and tell me that I am beautiful and worthy.
My professors push me to do my best and follow my dream.
Even those I don't know -- whether it be a smiling student I pass by in the skyway who says "Hello", or the salesperson at Target that helps me find what I'm looking for without complaining -- are showing me bit by bit a little more of Christ's love!
Isn't it mind-blowing the mediums God uses to communicate His unfailing and overpowering love to us? We are so oblivious to these mediums sometimes!
There are days where I wake up to my alarm clock and I do not want to get out of bed. I am crabby and tired from staying up until 1:30 a.m. the night before (which is what I'll be doing once again it looks like), and the day is a big blur to me. I go through my three morning classes zombie-like, just waiting for 10:45 a.m. to strike so the hefty part of my day will be over with. The rest of my day is filled with chapel, work, meals, homework, and people; I am so stuck to my schedule and am the worst at being spontaneous! I also like to hibernate in my room most of the day. :)
Each day flies by without recognition of the handfuls of people that deserve it. That friend who sent me a note in the mail DESERVES a thank-you and a hug. That brother who helped unload my groceries from my car DESERVES a homemade Nutella mug cake (or anything delicious and dorm room-cookable, that is). I can't be satisfied with simple "thank you"s anymore. I need to learn to really love back and rebound these blessings!
Also, people in my life deserve to be complimented. And not merely on their outward appearance - their real, inner beauty. People NEED encouragement. They need words of kindness and truth affirmed by the Lord to lift them up.
Even if it's just a simple smile, "hello", hug, or text message, that one random act of kindness could make all the difference in the world for that one person. Because you have no idea what they're going through in that instance.
Or maybe go the extreme and push yourself a little harder to go above and beyond the simple. Write letters of encouragement to mentors and friends who have made a difference in your life, or those people who the Lord has laid on your heart to uplift. Knit a scarf, bake cookies, draw a picture, take a photo, shoot hoops... whatever your talent is, use it for that person! Bless them, not because you want to make yourself feel better, but because they blessed you first. Or maybe they just need someone to love on them -- because everyone needs that kind of person in their life. Even those who look like they have it all together. You have no idea what's going on behind closed doors.
So go. Love. Look for the small opportunities to make a person's day. Be attentive to how they're feeling and what they're thinking. Don't complain. Actually listen to people and care for them! Give out of a servant's heart. Be humble. This is Jesus-kind of-love.