Where Childlike Wonder and Wisdom Meet

Growing up, I always completed my homework exactly the way the teacher wanted it -- not in the slightest bit different, even if it added to the quality of the homework in my mind. I was afraid of not meeting the standards, and my report card needed that "A" scribbled next to each one of my classes.
Besides my striving to excel at everything in school, I've always been afraid of asking the hard questions. I tend to stick in my comfort bubble that shelters itself miles away from the world of government, politics, or anything else controversial for that matter. Even with matters of where I stand on homosexuality or cohabitation in the church, I've shoved them back on the shelf for fear of being hated because, "I was taking the wrong side." For me, grey areas have always posed more comfort for me, because if you're on middle ground, no one hates you, right?
This is the mentality that's been etched into my brain, and it's forced me to shut down any new wave of thought that's sparked in my head. I'm living on neutral ground, with no real tug towards one end or another.
And because of my fear to explore new ideas, I tend to avoid the topic of WISDOM. What is wisdom, anyway?

I think God was prying the lid open on this one a few weeks ago.
One of my friends brought it up initially by quoting Luke 10:27:

"Love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your strength, and with all your mind."

Yes, you've probably heard that verse a million times. Or if not a million, 999,999 times. But what my friend emphasized was the part of loving the Lord with all your mind. I guess I had never ventured this route yet -- whenever I think of loving the Lord, I think of loving Him through my praise or through the work of my hands. I didn't realize that we could love the Lord by studying books or engaging in discussion that pulls on the strings of your knowledge. And God actually desires that from us? It scared me a bit.
If that wasn't enough for God to grab my attention about the significance of wisdom, the leadership theme as my school this year is none other than this: A Call To Wisdom.
God is calling us to wisdom. He wants us to grow in knowledge of who He is and how His Kingdom will be established on this earth, and wisdom is the capability of dispersing this knowledge well.

Along with this call to wisdom, however, God wants us to come before Him as little children. You might see that as contradictory -- children aren't wise, so how can we be wise before God while possessing the personality as children?
I think C.S. Lewis says it well:

"[God] wants us to be simple, single-minded, affectionate, and teachable, as good children are; but He also wants every bit of intelligence we have to be alert at its job, and in first-class fighting trim." --Mere Christianity

God delights in childlike wonder. He loves to see us laugh, go on adventures, and create new things with our hands. Just like school children playing on a playground during recess or little girls dancing around the house as ballerinas (as my sister and I did when we were young), we can approach God with a child's playful heart.
Yet this doesn't mean we are stupid, inexperienced or clueless. Having the heart of a child does not mean you are a fool.
And to be completely vulnerable, that last statement is something I've believed for many years now. Many times when I'm joking around with my friends, I beat myself up afterwards because I feel like I was such a ditz. I suppose it's an insecurity issue, and a pride issue at the core, but I've swallowed and learn to accept the lie that I am clumsy and awkward.
Yet when I consider the idea that maybe, just maybe, God delights in my loud, obnoxious laughter with a couple snorts every now and then; or that He delights when I play hand-clap games with my friends in public places; or that He delights when I skip across a bridge with a huge smile painted across my face... I am blown away. God really couldn't be that childish, could He?
But the fact is, God created us in His image, and therefore by creating children and instilling such joy and silliness in them, He is showing us a side of Himself. God is bubbly, adventurous and sweet like children, and this does not displace the fact that He is also righteous, just, and holy.
He encompasses all qualities in one. What beauty.

So this is what it boils down to: embracing the child within you, but also deciding to pursue wisdom. In Matthew 10:16, Jesus calls us to be "as wise as serpents AND as innocent as doves." As polar opposite as that may sound, it's where we will find true joy and our place in the Kingdom.
As C.S. Lewis puts it, God "wants [us to have] a child's heart, but a grown-up's head."

I Don't Have To Understand

I lean not on my own understanding,
my life is in the hands of the Maker of heaven.
(from "Nothing I Hold On To" by United Pursuit Band)

These lyrics always shake my human will whenever I hear them. You mean I can't know everything? I can't control everything?
As humans, we suffer from a disease of wanting to control everything and know everything. We are paralyzed when we cannot see the end of the situation before us. We are crippled when we do not know the answer to a friend's question.

The other day I started to freak out over the finances I need to pay for my trip to Thailand: $3,000. At the bare minimum.
That number is not so welcoming to my bank account.
I started scribbling in my journal the reasons why I wouldn't be able to collect that much money before the end of November.
"I can only work so much. I can only bake so much (for the bake sale I'm going to use to fundraise). I can only send out so many support letters. I can only sell so many of my belongings. Am I just making this all up in my head? Someone's going to have to tell me that this is what I'm supposed to be doing."

And then it hit me. The verse dropped in my head like a coin being tossed in a wishing well.

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." (Philippians 4:6-7)

Wow. Just read that again. Especially the second sentence!
We don't have to understand things, because the peace of God is greater than that. We can have peace even in our confusion!
God reminded me that even though I have no idea how I'm going to come up with $3,000 for Thailand, He will make a way. I don't have to be stressed and frazzled. All I need to do is rest in His presence and let His peace cover me.

Because, here's the deal: When we allow confusion or worry to overcome us, we allow the devil to twist our thoughts and pour fear into us. Although it doesn't seem like an attack while it's occurring, it's the devil's way of taking our trust off of God and putting it in ourselves instead -- which isn't much, since we are weak and don't have the ability to see the outcome of things.

God's peace is our shield against these attacks. God's peace repels the daunting questions that pierce our human tendency to understand and control everything.

So instead of trying to understand how I'm going to pay for Thailand, I'm just going to let God do His work. I'm going to abide in His presence every day in order to be protected from attacks from the devil. I'm going to point my ears and my heart towards heaven and listen to God reaffirm in me that I am His daughter being used for His kingdom. And I'm going to work wholeheartedly, yet peacefully, on finding the finances needed to go to Thailand.

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FOR THAILAND, AND GOD'S PEOPLE LIVING THERE. BECAUSE THEY DESERVE JUSTICE.

When You're Both A Mary And A Martha

Two days ago I found out that I would be a student manager in my college cafeteria this fall. The moment I heard the news, I jumped in the air with excitement! Not only would I have more responsibility, but I was thankful for the increase in pay. I'm going to Thailand this December, and I need as much money as possible to pay for the trip.
But yesterday I felt almost guilty to have the position. What if people see me a power-hungry workaholic? Because not only do I have this student manager position, but I work another job and go to school full-time. That's 25 hours of work and 15 hours of class, not including time for homework. I'm also the editor-in-chief of my college newspaper.
I'm not listing all of this out of pride, I'm just throwing it out there so maybe you'll understand how I feel.
To put it blatantly, I'm becoming worried of what people think of me. I'm scared that because I have achieved two positions of authority in addition to my role as a student, people will see me as some arrogant, busy person that has everything together.
I really don't want to be see as that. And I really don't have everything together.
But is it that horrible to have a schedule that fits everything together so well?
I honestly enjoy all of the roles and tasks that fill my plate. I may not thoroughly enjoy them every moment and I may become frustrated and overwhelmed at times, but I find joy out of having a busy schedule.
And it's not like I never have time to spend time with people and with the Lord.
I really try to maintain strong relationships with people, whether they're close or far away. I make an effort to contact my friends on a weekly effort, because I care for them and want to hear about what's going on in their lives.
And I do spend time with the Lord every day. It may not be an hour-long time in worship just soaking in His presence, but I do try to hear Him and interact with Him on a constant basis. I love His presence, and all I really want is to be led by His Spirit and to know His heart more.
I'm realizing that I have a spirit like Mary's in a schedule like Martha's. But is that even possible? Can my spirit truly be at rest while involved in so much?

Bicycle Ride

Today I went on a spontaneous bike ride. I wasn't planning on going anywhere today, but after work I decided that I wanted to get out into the city and explore.
Before leaving, I sat down and attempted to find a map that would help me navigate the bike paths of Minneapolis. Thinking I knew where my bicycle adventure would take me, I burst outside with my white helmet in hand and my backpack stuffed with my journal and Bible, an apple and a water bottle.
I started biking on the road that I thought would intersect with the path I wanted to merge on. Nope, nothing. They really must keep these bike paths hidden. Or I'm just incredibly blind.
Concluding that I wasn't going to get anywhere without asking anyone, I was thankful to run in to another biker at the next stoplight. I asked her how to get to the destination I was hoping to find, and she gave me adequate directions.
I biked forward, and within the next mile I ended up passing by a friend I hadn't seen in three months. It was an unexpected blessing to catch up with him on the side of the road for a few minutes.
Then, I continued onwards. Unsure of where I was (I must have taken a wrong turn somewhere), I biked in unusual patterns around a section of streets I was unfamiliar with.
Instead of freaking out though, I just continued to pedal. My legs pushed me forward on the sidewalks with weeds peeking out between the cracks.
I'm lost. Oh well. I'm going somewhere, and eventually I'll end up at some destination -- whether it's the destination I'm planning on or not. It's all about the journey, anyway.
Those were the thoughts that flashed through my mind at that point, or something along those lines.

And then I realized that these thoughts ran parallel to the way we're supposed to live out our daily lives. They didn't just refer to my bicycle adventure, or traveling in general.
There are a million different paths to choose from in this life, and it can be frustrating and terrifying trying to measure if you're on the right path at the right time. Friends and family pressure you to walk one way, you desire the opposite way, and God's way never seems to be plain and clear in the moment.
Who said there was only one correct path to walk on, anyway?

I think there are multiple paths God lays before us, and He gives us the freedom of choice to pick the one we want to walk on. Whether it's choosing a college to attend, finding someone to marry, or any other decision that could alter your life path, God works everything out in the end.
I'm not saying that we should foolishly choose whichever path we want to take next out of pride or ignorance -- I do believe we should be asking God which path He wants us to take next in prayer. But sometimes He doesn't always give us a black-and-white answer. Sometimes He leaves it up to us to take the next step, and once we step forward, He'll mold our path into His plan for our lives.
Even if you take the wrong turn at one intersection, He'll merge another path into your life that will bring you back on track.

And I do believe that any path we choose leads to the same destination. What is that destination, you ask? God Himself. Whether we choose to be a businessman or pastor, live in the United States or India, run a marathon or play music at local venues, our path will always end up at the feet of Jesus when we are seeking His face every day.
It's not about the path itself; it's about the opportunities on the path you take to bless the people who are on the same path. But it's mostly about learning to glorify God and becoming closer to Him while facing whatever valleys, hills, or curves come your way.

** What path are you treading on, and what opportunities has God placed before you? Are you taking ahold of these, or passing them by? Are you growing closer to God as you continue to walk on the path you're on?

Wound

I went to Dunn Bros. with my dear friend yesterday. Over icy fruit smoothies in the 95 degrees heat, we exchanged thoughts about life and the season Lord had been taking each of us through.

As I described the battle between my spirit and my flesh I've been fighting this summer, she mentioned something that struck me. I had heard it at least a dozen times before, but I never had seen it through the lenses she unveiled:

Paul had a thorn in his flesh he had to live with, and the Lord wouldn't take it away. Even though he prayed over and over for it to be removed, it remained.
But instead of moaning and complaining about the thorn, Paul chose to live humbly and DELIGHTED in his weakness.
He delighted in weakness? What? That is so absurd to the human mind. Why would you delight over sickness, pain, persecution, abandonment, or any other difficulty?
But Paul knew that when he was weak, then he was strong. Because Christ reminded Paul that His power rested on him when he yielded himself in all his brokenness to Him.

"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." (2 Corinthians 12:9)

Just think about that. The Lord's power is made perfect -- flawless, complete, whole -- in our lives when we lay ourselves before His feet in all of our brokenness. When we put on a mask and pretend that everything is okay, we limit the work of the Lord in our lives. When we are strong in ourselves, the strength that the Lord offers is dismissed.
In weakness is where we are bestowed strength to overcome. Not strength of our own, but strength that only comes from the Lord above -- strength that is mightier than a thousand armies and fiercer than that of a hurricane.

After hearing those words from my friend, I realized that the battle I've been fighting has caused a thorn in my flesh. And just like Paul, maybe it won't go away. Maybe it will be something I need to face daily. Maybe it's something I'll continually have to surrender at the feet of Jesus when I wake up every morning, dying to my flesh in order to receive His power and walk in the freedom He brings
But you know what? God's grace is sufficient for me, and it's okay if I struggle. It's okay if I wear this wound.

It's just like Tenth Avenue North sings in their song, "The Struggle":
Hallelujah we are free to struggle
But we're not struggling to be free

I am not bound by my weakness. I am not locked in a cage anymore. No, I'm like a bird with a broken wing flying free! Although I am injured and my weakness drags me to the ground sometimes, I'm not chained up anymore.
Even though every day is a challenge and I fail more times than I can count, it's God's grace and an attitude of perseverance that keeps me going.

"For though a righteous man falls seven times, HE RISES AGAIN." (Proverbs 24:16)

Today I'm going to rise up again. Although every day is a battle, and this wound pierces beyond my flesh into my spirit, I will continue to let His power rest on me in my weakness. I will come before Him with a broken spirit and allow His grace to wash away any shame or guilt I feel.

Abba, thank you for weakness. For without weakness, my trust in you would falter.

Day #7: Beyond Me

So often I ask God, "What's wrong with me? How can I change?"
I sit down, journal and pencil in hand, and start scribbling down all of my problems. I fill the pages with troubles in my relationships with people, drama at work, insecurities that I suffer from, and so on.
Then I cry out to God, "Change me! I'm sick of who I am! Just transform me into the woman of God you created me to be."
Thinking that I've heard Him speak, I write down lists and formulas of ways to get rid of my problems.
I write, "Stop comparing yourself with other woman to combat jealousy," or "Don't talk about yourself all of the time to fight pride."And them I attempt to put these points into action.
But there's a problem.
The focus is still on me and my sin, not on grace and the love of God.

You see, transformation is more about the working of God in our lives than trying to fix ourselves.
It's looking beyond ourselves to the face of God and to the needs of others.
This is clearly outlined in Matthew 22:37-39:

"Jesus replied, 'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: Love your neighbor as yourself.'"

When we become outwardly focused instead of inwardly focused, God works from the inside out to cleanse us of our impurity.

Instead of focusing on weeding out the sin instead of us by ourselves, let's work on these two things:

1. Fix your eyes on Jesus - Are you more aware of the problems in your life than Jesus, who has already conquered death itself? Are you consumed with worry? Then maybe it's time to shift your gaze. Spend time with the Lord in your free time and allow Him to lavish His love on you and show you how much He cares for you. Let Him show you that you can trust Him, and that there is complete peace when we rest in His arms. Even though there isn't full clarity with trust, it's the cloudiness that keeps us rooted in Him and walking by faith.

2. Love others - When you go about your day, are you so in tune with your own schedule and "to-do" list that you couldn't budge to go out of your way for someone else? Do you spend all of your free time by yourself investing in your own personal hobbies rather than branching outward and seeing what other people enjoy doing? It's so easy to get wrapped up in our own needs and wants, and it's especially easy to cling to a routine. But focusing on our own desires can draw us away from the needs of others. Maybe there's a man on the side of the road you walk past every day that is crying out for help and you ignore him every time. It could be time to reach out to him and offer him a dollar, a sandwich or a word of encouragement. We are called to be the hands and feet of Jesus, and when Jesus walked this earth, he never ignored the cries of the needy. God's heart beats for justice, and justice is ultimately love.

Let's become people who are so focused on seeking Jesus and loving others, that there is no room for pride or bitterness or insecurity.
The grace of God will flush out the brokenness in you, but only when you give up and say you can't do it by yourself anymore. Striving is not an activity in God's kingdom.
So let go. Let go of your own strength, because God defends those who are weak, not those who think they are strong enough themselves. Fix your eyes on Jesus, and let Him refine your sight so you can see the needs of others. And through this newfound vision, reach out in love. Wash someone's dishes. Pay for someone's coffee. Mow someone's lawn. Buy someone's textbooks.
Whatever form it takes place in, love is always the answer. Because God is love. And love transforms people.

Day #6: Closed Door

Time to call that person again.

I pick up my phone, and my fingers dial the 10-digit number. Cautiously pressing the phone up against my ear, I cross my fingers on my left hand and hope that the person doesn't answer. As the dial signal drains on, I anxiously await the voicemail. 10 more seconds.

"Hello?"

I skip a breath. My hopes are crushed. Disappointed, my voice perks up and starts asking away at whatever I was planning on speaking to the person about.

Does this scenario sound familiar?

You call someone, and you purposely wait for the voicemail so you don't have to interact with the person live.

I think it's funny how often we humans do this, especially in this digital age. We're becoming more and more afraid of conversation. And with this comes a fear of intimacy.

I have a fear of intimacy. That's what my eyes have become open to this summer.

At Caribou, I plant my feet behind the register and gaze down at the screen after punching in the customer's order, careful not to say too much to the guest, because that would be invading their privacy. I'm only an employee, anyway. Why would they want to establish a connection with me? I wear a brown apron and serve them coffee every day. No one special.

And it's not limited to work. I walk back to my room after work, and crash down on my bed or the chair and shut the door behind me. I seclude myself from my suitemates, because the introvert in me needs space.

Whatever the situation may be, I've learned that I'm terrified of stepping outside my comfort zone to interact with people I'm not close with already.

The funny thing is, as Christians, this is our calling. In Matthew 28:19, it says, "Therefore, go and make disciples of all nations." We are called to reach people of all shapes, colors, and backgrounds.

As if this isn't enough, God calls us to live our lives openly. In 2 Corinthians 6:11-13, Paul writes about  his interaction with the Corinthians:

"We have spoken FREELY to you, Corinthians, and OPENED WIDE OUR HEARTS TO YOU. We are not withholding our affection from you, but you are withholding yours from us. As a fair exchange -- I speak as to my children -- open wide your hearts also."

Paul and his companions spoke freely to the Corinthians and opened their hearts wide to them. They didn't hold anything back. They swung wide open the door of intimacy, and didn't allow anything to come between them. They were real and authentic, and didn't hide themselves in the shadows.

This is how I want to live. I want to embrace my identity as a child of light.

Instead of shaking behind the register at work, I want to get to know our guests and encourage them in their daily lives. 

Instead of escaping to the corridors of my room when I get home from work, I want to stop by people's rooms in the hall on the way back and say hello.

Instead of keeping my door shut, I want to keep it open to let others in. And not just a physical, wooden door -- the door of my heart.

**Are you afraid of intimacy? Do you hide yourself from others? What's causing you to build a wall up around yourself?

Day #5: Mother to the Motherless

I'm sitting here in the kitchen waiting for the cookie dough in the fridge to harden so I can make sweet little pink peanut butter blossoms. They're my gift to my mom and grandma for Mother's Day.
Speaking of mothers, I am blessed by these two fabulous women who have nurtured and cared for me the past 20-and-a-half years of my life. Ever since I popped out as a crying infant in the hospital room, my mom and grandma have provided for me and helped shape me into the woman I am today. They always make sure I have a penny in my pocket and encourage me when I'm having a rough day. Without them, I don't know where I would be. I probably wouldn't be baking these peanut butter blossoms, for one thing (my grandma is a killer baker who taught me well).

Today is the day we get to celebrate the blessing of the mothers in our lives. I am blessed to have a mother and two grandmothers, but there are some people who many not have any. It's to these people I want to reach out to in this blog post.

Many of you have probably heard that God is a "father to the fatherless." (Psalm 68:5)
He fills the place of a father in many people's lives, even to those who have an earthly father. He gives us strength and boldness, and He fights for us through any battle or storms that arises in our life.
He calls us His beloved children, and knows us each individually. He knows the number of hairs on our head and wraps us in His arms with love and grace.

But God also mirrors the figure of a mother.
This may sound strange to some, because so many visualize God as a strong warrior or king. God would never weep for His children, would He? He would never nurture us like a mother nurses her baby, would He?
Yet, God is not confined to a gender. He is neither male nor female. In fact, BOTH man and woman were created in the image of God. (Genesis 1:27)

This Mother's Day, I encourage you to look to God to fill the empty gap of a mother in your life. Whether your mother died, abandoned you and your family, or any other circumstance, let God wrap His loving and tender arms around you like a mother would. Let Him gently speak words of kindness to you and let Him take care of all your struggles and restlessness.

What good mothers do best is take care of their children, no matter what kind of mess they get into. They pray for their children, cook them hearty warm meals, wash their dirty clothes, and send them care packages in the mail when they go far away.
God loves you and prays for you daily.
He will nourish you not only physically, but spiritually with His Living Water and Bread of Life.
He washes your dirty stains of sin away, and makes them white as snow.
He sends messengers into your life to remind you of your place.

Rest, O lost and abandoned child. You don't have to fear, worry, or cry any longer. He is there with open arms, ready to shower love over you. All you need to do is let go and let Him love you, just like a mother would.

**Do you have a mother or a mother figure in your life? What do you cherish most about them? If not, how can you allow God to be a mother to you?

Day #4: Portion

Today I read Psalm 73.
In verses 2-12, the psalmist confesses his jealousy of the rich and their wealth. He explains how they "have no struggles and their bodies are healthy and strong," and that they are "not plagued by human life." He envies this.
But then he shifts perspectives and sees the wickedness buried inside of them. He sees their pride as a banner beaming from their very beings.

Suddenly, the psalmist is vulnerable with us. He shares a struggle he's hidden within him.

"Surely in vain have I kept my heart pure; in vain have I washed my hands in innocence." (vs. 13)

Whoa. That struck me.
It makes me cringe inside. I wonder, is my heart truly pure? Is what people see genuine, and not for the benefit or pleasure of my own good?

I'm thrown into restlessness between my flesh and spirit.
My flesh screams that I am a nice person. Plus, everybody else says I am too. I'm the sweet, innocent girl that would never hurt a fly. I encourage people and love them for who they truly are, right?
Yet something in my spirit cannot rest with that conclusion... Something is wrong.

I struggle to say it, but pride is one of my crutches. I cling to it, even when I'm doing good unto others. I love to help people, but many times only for my own sake. I love to talk to people, but only so they can help me with my problems.

I don't know how to give back wholeheartedly for nothing in return. I don't know how to give up my comforts -- my perfectly oriented schedule, my penny-tight budget and my American lifestyle -- for the sake of authenticity.

So I wonder, am I genuine? Or am I just faking it so others shower affection over me?

This battle of authenticity is not an easy fight.
Everyday I try to serve others -- not out of vanity -- but out of ridiculous, pure love. I try to be the hands and feet of Jesus to others with no spotlight on what I can gain. Many times I fail, but sometimes I succeed.

All I know is that I am thankful for the grace that God bestows upon me, even in the midst of my fallouts. This morning, my friend texted me a verse that sums this up. Ironically, it's in Psalm 73:

"My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." (vs. 26)

Let that be your battle cry. God is your PORTION that is bigger than all of your failures. Not only does He cover them, but He wipes them away and replaces them with His strength.
His strength is our foundation in times of failure.

**Do you beat yourself up after failing? What do you turn to when things are crumbling apart? Do you cling to the Word and remember that God is one who always forgives and love, even through all of your pain?

Day #3: My Constant

I'm sitting here on my freshly made bed, my feet sprawled out over the covers as the cool breeze blows in from the window to my right. The smell of rain fills my nostrils, and I am put at peace. It's one of my favorite scents.

This feeling of peace... it's something I haven't experienced in a while.

The past week has been full of TRANSITION. I finished my third year of college, I said goodbye to many dear friends, I moved into a new building, and I started a new job.

I've been very weary and unsettled, and I haven't felt like myself. But now that my roommate and I have moved into our new place, my body, mind, and spirit can finally rest. And it's wonderful.

But even in the midst of all my ups and downs, and my all-nighters and early mornings the past week, I've clung to one thing to keep me going. That one thing?

It's Jesus. He is my constant. My journal and my Bible have been my stuck to my side during all the craziness, and I've opened them to be encouraged and strengthened through this wild process of change.

See, even in the middle of whatever you're going through, you can always trust in Jesus and know that He'll be there if you make Him your foundation. He never leaves, no matter how far you run away. 

He's waiting for you to take your empty cup to the fountain of life. He will fill you will Living Water and restore your soul.

**Are you in a dry season or on rugged terrain? When's the last time you plugged into the fountain of life on a constant basis?

Day #2: A Wild Pursuit

It was a chilly May night, the day after Finals, and my closest friends and I pulled an all-nighter together driving around the city of Minneapolis. After stuffing ourselves with breakfast food and pie at Denny's and parking near a scenic bridge to listen to worship music together, we made our way to the infamous "Makeout Point" in the Quarry. Once our orange car was subtly parked in the fogginess on top of the grassy hill that overlooked the city skyline, we pumped up the worship music once again and sat there for an hour in the stillness of God's presence. We prayed for each other, and then in a rush, I jumped out of the car and ran.

My feet pranced across the bushy grass, racing as fast as a deer's.

My eyes were fixed on the sunrise in the distance, nothing else.

My steps were swift and my strides were long. I couldn't stop!

I was free and overflowing with joy.

Then I danced at the edge of the plain to where the hill ended sharply and sloped violently downwards on a path of dirt.

It was the most free I've felt in my life.

Today I wondered, Am I actively pursuing God in the same way I ran out of the car to the edge of the field five days ago? Am I wildly jumping out into unknown, racing past anything in my way until I reach the very face of God?

The pursuit that God wants of us is supposed to be wild. It's supposed to be dangerous, not comfortable. Because comfortable equates stability, and stability is not part of growth.

I've become complacent. My hands are reaching towards God and my heart is groaning to know Him more, but my feet are glued to the ground of my own complacency. I'm screaming to Him, but my ears cannot hear because I'm too far away from Him.

All I want is for God's arms to envelop me in His beauty and love. I want to be captured and swept off my feet by Him, but I cannot experience this until I step into the gap that's separating us.

Why can't I move my feet into the vacant space? My feet feel like bricks being weighed down by my fears. I've constructed a wall that no one can tear down. It is a glass wall, but nonetheless, it is there.

I cannot move my feet because I am afraid of intimacy. I am afraid of the wild pursuit that God desires of me. I am afraid to give up my comforts to be closer to His heart.

But I know He is calling me out onto the waters. I know it. His voice is ever so clear, I'm just choosing to avoid it. Instead of risking myself for Him, I slumber away, actively ignoring His call.

He says, "Daughter, come out onto the waters. Step out of the boat and walk upon the waters. Reach for my hand and I will hold you. I will not let the waves overtake you."

A tug-o-war erupts inside of me. My spirit is aching for my Beloved, my Lord... but my flesh hesitates, flooding my head with worries. What if I stumble? What if I fall? What if the waves come crashing down on me?

No.

I cannot pledge my allegiance to my flesh any longer. I cannot sit in my place of comfort anymore. My spirit is trembling to budge, to move forward into oceans deep.

I'm like Peter, who Jesus called forth upon the waters as the disciples were on their fishing boat. Peter took a leap of faith and stepped onto the roaring seas. He saw Jesus standing out there, and that was the only hope he needed. He pursued Jesus wildly.

It's time for me to respond to the voice that is across the waters. It's time for this wall to fall and for me to step closer to God. It's time for me to run towards Him, pushing past all of my fear, pride, worry, and failures.

It's time to wildly pursue His heart.

**What is holding you back from pursuing Jesus wholly? Are you holding something back from Him that is creating a barrier between you and Him?

Day #1: The Beauty of Rawness

This is the first of my summer blogs, which I am aiming to write DAILY. It's a stretch, but I know it will strengthen my writing and challenge me in communicating what the Lord is teaching to me with others. Every day I will focus on a passage of Scripture or a daily happening that takes place. Writing is the way the Lord communicates most clearly to me, so I wanted to increase my presence on this platform this summer to strengthen and encourage you wherever you're at in your walk with the Lord. I pray and hope my writing will be a blessing to you this summer, as I pour out what the Lord is going to be pouring into me this summer.

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I remember when I was younger and my mom would make me clean my room every week.

"Honey, it's time to clean your room!"As my mother's voice droned through the hallway, I would hustle and bustle in my room to pick the mess of toys, clothes, crayons and other junk off my floor. But instead of properly putting it back in its rightful place, I would stuff it under my bed or in my closet. My standard was that if the floors were relatively clean, my room was clean. No questions asked.

Later my mom discovered all of my belongings I would so cleverly tuck away into the corners of my room. I was disciplined by being grounded or given a timeout. Sadly, I did not learn my lesson until I was 10-years-old.

In the same way, we can be childish in the way we present ourselves. We can either choose to put on a mask and pretend everything is okay, or we can be real with people, even in the midst of our problems and brokenness.

In Matthew 23:25, Jesus criticizes the Pharisees for their fakeness.

"Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You clean the outside of the cup and dish, but inside they are full of greed and self-indulgence. Blind Pharisees!"

You see, the Pharisees portrayed themselves like they had everything all together. They presented themselves as holy and righteous to the people, but on the inside they stank of greed, pride and arrogance.

They were fake.

I wonder, do I present myself to people as real and honest, or fake? This is what I've come to realize the past few weeks:

For so long I've focused on maintaining my "outer" personality. I try to fit in with the crowd by cracking the same kinds of jokes and attending every social event organized. I work tirelessly to present myself as the sweet and innocent girl that would never hurt a fly, because Jesus would never hurt anybody.

I've become succumbed to the sickness of striving, and it's eating away at my soul.

I strive to fit into the mold that others expect me to be.

I strive to avoid conflict.

I strive, because I'm afraid of myself and who God created me to be.

And this striving? Well, it's fake. It's a technique to cover up who I really am inside. It's like going through the motions without soul. It's robot-like living.

I don't want to strive anymore. I don't want to conform to the patterns of the world anymore. I don't want to seek to meet every person's expectations of me, because I wasn't meant to please people. I am meant to please God.

Instead of striving to fit into the cookie cutter templates that people have formed for me, I'm going to reach for HOLINESS. Instead of focusing on my outward personality, I'm going to focus on my heart. I'm going to focus on being raw and genuine.

Because you only know the realness of something by its rawness.

I'm going to clean the inside of my cup, just like Jesus said in verse 26:

"First clean the inside of the cup and dish, and then the outside also will be clean."

And when the inside of my cup is clean, the outside will also be clean. I won't have to strive anymore. I won't have to try to cover up all my problems and mistakes.
There will be beauty in rawness, no matter how ugly it may be. Because when Jesus is at your core, shining out holiness from your inner being, His light casts out all condemnation and insecurity. He is your only standard, and you can rejoice among sorrow and pain.

**What are you hiding on the inside that needs to be washed away? Are people seeing the real you, or just a mirage?

Walking Through Flames

I remember as a kid watching Veggie Tales movies. My mom would buy the VHSs every time we stopped at the local Christian bookstore, and as a chipper little girl, I got excited about anything and everything -- including talking vegetables.

There's one particular Veggie Tales movie I remember: the one about Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego.

In the delightfully animated Veggie Tales version, King Nebuchadnezzar builds a giant chocolate bunny (okay, who wouldn't chomp that down at Easter?). Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego refuse to bow down to the giant candy figure, whom the entire rest of the nation is bowing down to. They're accused by one of the king's officials and brought before King Nebuchadnezzar.

Let's dive into Daniel 3, where the real version is recorded (instead of a chocolate bunny, it was an image of gold constructed).

"Then Nebuchadnezzar was furious with Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego... He ordered the furnace heated seven times hotter than usual and commanded some of the strongest soldiers in his army to tie up Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego and throw them into the blazing furnace. So these men, wearing their robes, trousers, turbans and other clothes, were bound and thrown into the blazing furnace." (Daniel 3:19-21)

But instead of burning up in flames, the three men withstood the fire and stayed alive! King Nebuchadnezzar and his associates saw three forms in the fire, in addition to a fourth that was an angel of the Lord.

As a result, Nebuchadnezzar ordered Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego out of the fire and worshipped their God.

Such an amazing story. It haunts me that Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego actually withstood the fire. How could something so miraculous happen? Wouldn't the heat have caused them to melt instantly, like the officials who threw them in (they didn't even step into the fire)?

I'm reminded of the flames we walk through on a day-to-day basis. They may not be actual orange, blazing flames that are heated at over 1,000 degrees Fahrenheit, but they still pose the same struggle and pain as real fire.

What are your flames? Maybe it's the broken family situation you're in; maybe it's a physical disability you're forced to live with.

Whatever temperature and height the fiery flames of your life are at, know that you are a precious piece of gold in the hand of the Refiner.

Here's a cool Bible verse I stumbled across tonight at dinner:

"Gold, silver, bronze, iron, tin, lead, and anything else that can withstand fire must be put through the fire, and then it will be clean." (Numbers 31:22)

Read that again. All of the precious metals back in Old Testament times were commanded to be put through the fire, because they could WITHSTAND the fire.

As a precious piece of gold in the Refiner's hands, God puts you through fire because He knows you'll be able to withstand it! It's not because He wants to hurt you. The fire may be painful and may cause you to want to give up at times, but if you keep pushing through and enduring the struggle, it will be worth it in the end.

Because fire cleanses. And it shapes.

God only puts you through what you can handle. He knows where you're at with your walk with Christ, and will only carry you through the flames that will mold you.

Be prepared to be ablaze. God is ready to refine you; all you need to do is take one step forward into the fire.

In The Shadow Of The Cross

Silence.

My body molded into the green plush chair, I stare at the pale blue walls. A whiteboard is plastered on the wall with my grandma's name scrawled on it, in addition to the dosage of medicine the doctors have given her.

My right hand hangs awkwardly in my lap, and my left hand coils over the wooden folding table to clench my grandma's cold disfigured hand.
Her frail body lies there almost motionlessly on the thin hospital bed. It had only been five days since her surgery.

I can feel the ache inside of her through her bones.

It's been a year since my grandma had her surgery. The day after Easter, in fact.
I remember waking up at 3:30 a.m. to get to the hospital by 5:00 a.m. My mom, stepdad, younger sister, and I piled into our blue minivan -- and then grandma stepped in. Her face somber, she adjusted herself into the empty "bucket" seat beside me.
The ride to the hospital was almost silent. The only words spoken were those referring to directions.
After arriving at the hospital, we escorted grandma in to the dimly lit waiting room. We filled out the paperwork, and after scampering from one office to another, we left her there. Dressed in a baby blue hospital gown sitting in a wheelchair, she kissed each of us goodbye.

It hurt saying goodbye. I knew I would see her again soon, but the reality of leaving her there under the care of doctors and nurses scared me. What if something went wrong during the surgery? My head flooded with questions I did not know the answers to. I was clueless and afraid.

I expect the disciples felt a similar way when their Teacher, Jesus Christ, was pierced to the cross that solemn Friday night. A perfect and holy man, embodying God himself, hanging on the cross with a crown of thorns on his head and blood coating his entire body.

The man who had taught them everything about life hung there dead, right in front of their faces.
All hope was gone.

It baffles me when I conjure up the thought that the disciples didn't know Easter Sunday was coming. What would it be like to stand in front of the cross, not knowing that the resurrection would happen three days later?

The closest moment I have to that is the moment saying goodbye to my grandma in the hospital waiting room. But even then, I knew I would see her again.

This Easter season, I am reminded of the sorrow and confusion the disciples faced while watching their Savior die on the cross between two thieves. In that moment, there was no more hope. All that had happened the three years previous was meaningless.

Thankfully, Jesus did rise from the grave and now lives in heaven. And we can have eternal life if we confess our sins and believe his death and resurrection washed away our palette of brokenness.

But what would it have been like to not know this eternal hope was coming? How would you have reacted? What would it have been like to be in the shadow of the cross 2,000 years ago?

The Value of... Chicken?

Work was interesting yesterday.
In case you didn't know, I work at my college's cafeteria where Tuesday lunches are the most anticipated meal all week. Why is that, you ask?
Chicken tenders. Or nuggets. Those little pieces of breaded, chicken-y goodness are the most coveted craving among hungry students.
Typically on a Tuesday, my co-runner and I are hustling and bustling bringing out new pans of chicken, french fries, and other dishes.
But yesterday was slower. Not because the desire for chicken was any less, but because two of the three friers in the kitchen were broken and were currently being repaired.
Every time we brought out a new pan of chicken, it was gone within a minute. And then there would be this awkward lapse of time where my co-runner and I would wander around apologizing to all those hungry souls in line that it would be another 3-4 minute wait for the next batch.
It was funny, though. About halfway through my shift a quote popped into my head.

"Our willingness to wait reveals the value we place on the object we're waiting for." --Charles Stanley

Is the value of chicken really that high?
To a 20-year-old college student, yes. Especially if the meals you digest are salad compared to your mama's or grandma's home-cooking.
It makes me wonder about the value we place on our relationship with the Lord. Not that chicken and God have anything in common, besides the fact that God created chicken in the beginning of the world (and I'm not going to start the argument about what came first: the chicken or the egg).
But really, how often are we patient and willing to wait for the voice of the Lord with matters in our life?
For me, I have a hard time slowing down and listening to His voice. I get so caught up in the busyness of my life, that I would rather find my own answer than wait minutes, hours, days, or weeks to hear back from Him about a decision.
In Isaiah 64:4, the prophet writes that God is someone "who acts on behalf of those who wait for him." So basically, all the while we are waiting for Him to work in our lives, He is ALREADY working. He's working behind-the-scenes to produce the most excellent finish.
You probably think I'm crazy for connecting chicken to God, but I think it's important we realize what we value most in our lives.
What do you spend the most time waiting on or investing in?
 That's the thing you value most.
What would it take for you to lower that and put God above it?

God In A Gas Station

Two days ago, two of my friends and I hit the interstate for an 8-hour road trip. Our long journey consisted of bonding through worship, prayer, eating at Jimmy John's and listening to a sermon by Francis Chan. Our destination? The one and only IHOP -- and that's not the pancake house, ladies and gents. That's the International House of Prayer in Kansas City, MO that hosts 24/7 prayer services. The three of us were stoked.
We arrived in KC around 7 p.m. and dropped one of our friends off at a high school to meet the family she would be staying with this week. Afterwards, my friend Kayla and I had no plans. We were free to do what we wanted for the rest of the night.
After a quick look at the gas level-ometer, we noticed the little arrow was close to hitting the red "E." We decided that a gas station would be the next stop in our night of spontaneity.
Little did we know that the stop would last more than an hour-and-a-half.
After leaving the high school parking lot, we immediately drove past a gas station to our right. Oops, our conversation had distracted us from making the turn. Luckily, there was a gas station only a quarter of a mile up the road under the bridge to the free way. We pulled in to the Phillipps 66 gas station at around 7:15 p.m.
Once pulling up to the pump, Kayla and I decided that I would pay for gas because she had paid for it on the way down. After retrieving my wallet, I noticed that the slot for my debit card was empty. "Shoot, I must have kept it in my other wallet," I said.
Thankfully, I had a $20 bill in my wallet so I gave it to Kayla to pay for as much gas as we could. Kayla walked into the gas station and pre-payed, while I stood out in the cold waiting to fill up. After some confusion of doing pre-pay (I had only done it once before), we were able to get the car half-filled. Good enough for now.
Kayla then contacted one of her friends in KC to hang out with. We were planning on going to Chipotle, when all of a sudden her iPhone died and thus had no way of navigating to the restaurant. I didn't have GPS on my phone, so we were stuck until her phone charged up again.
Kayla plugged her phone charger into the USB outlet in her radio, but the battery didn't charge.
Okay God, now what? We have no way of finding Chipotle and we don't even know what state we're in (KC is on the border of Kansas and Missouri, so we were clueless which side of the state line we were on.).
We decided to walk into the gas station and ask if they had an outlet we could use to charge Kayla's phone. Two clerks were at the desk: an older man probably in his late 50's, and a young girl who looked like she was in her early 20's. They both directed us to the women's bathroom, where we found an outlet next to the sink.
After plugging in Kayla's phone, we started talking about what we were going to do next. It was soon brought up that one of us should check on the car to make sure it was still safe, since the two of us were going to be in the bathroom for a while charging the phone.
I went out to the lobby and checked on the car, and just as I was about to turn back and walk to the bathroom, the two clerks asked if the outlet was working. I said yes, and they both asked where we were heading that night. I told them we were going to Chipotle and needed the GPS to work. The young girl started explaining how to use the Maps feature on an iPhone, and soon enough she sprung out from behind the counter and followed me into the bathroom to show us how it functioned (even though we already knew how it worked).
Three girls in a bathroom: two girls going to IHOP, and one gas station clerk. It couldn't have been more God-orchestrated. Read what happened next.
Kayla and I told the girl that we were headed to IHOP, and not surprisingly, she asked us what that was. We told her it was a prayer house that has live music 24/7. She was amazed by this and asked more. We showed her the live stream on Kayla's iPhone, and she seemed really curious.
We then began explaining to her why we were there and where we were from. She asked us what the two of us wanted to do when we grew up, and when Kayla told her she was going to be a youth pastor, the girl became really interested.
I don't know how all the pieces connected exactly, but eventually Kayla spilled her entire testimony and the girl ended opening up to us about her life.
The girl had grown up going to church when she was younger, but as a teenager she drifted away from the "religious" scene and got hooked into partying and dating other girls. She also told us about her difficult relationship with her mother.
What was interesting is that the night we visited was the girl's last day of work at the gas station. In three days, she was moving to Colorado with her half-brother to begin a new life. It was definitely a turning point for her in her life.
Throughout the conversation, which lasted over an hour, we continued telling her how much the Lord loved her and that He has a plan for her life. She was full of questions and eager to learn more about our faith. Every now and then I noticed a slight grin on her face, and it was amazing seeing the transformation taking place.
She didn't end up giving her life to the Lord, but we were able to pray with her at the end.
We laid hands on her inches in front of a sink in a gas station bathroom. God truly does work in the most unusual of places.
That hour-and-a-half couldn't have been more perfectly arranged.

• If I would have had my debit card, we wouldn't have gone inside to pay.
• If Kayla's phone hadn't died and then decided to work, then we wouldn't have gone in and had to use the outlet in the women's bathroom.
• If I hadn't gone and checked on our car, the girl wouldn't have followed me into the bathroom.

God seriously uses the most hopeless and frustrating moments for His glory sometimes. It's puzzling and beyond comprehension -- but it's SO worth every flustered moment, tear and grumble.
So whenever you find yourself in the midst of a situation that seems utterly hopeless, don't lose hope. Keep your eyes fixed on Jesus and your hope anchored in Him. Even when you feel like giving up, the Lord always has a way out and will use the most inopportune moments (in our human eyes) to show His glory.
Remember this truth that Paul wrote in his letter to the Romans:

"And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them." (Romans 8:28)

God works in the middle of our mishaps. He doesn't expect perfection; all he requires is a heart that is willing and obedient to His voice, even in the midst of confusion and pain.
He turns our frustrations into moments for His glory to shine when we obey Him.

Refined By Flames

During a worship gathering at my school last night, the Lord put an image on my heart: gold surrounded by the flames of a fire.

I began thinking about the meaning of the image.

I pictured the hands of a miner panning gold, his dirty blistering hands plunging a pan of sand and dirt into water and then shaking out the remnants of gold. Though the process may be gruesome and tiring, in the end the miner is left with pure gold.

Just like the gold being hidden amid piles of sand and dirt, as Christians, we were once blended in with the rest of the world. Then Jesus came and separated us from everyone else. He called us out to be his disciples.

But it doesn't stop there.

After gold is found by a miner, the miner brings it to a craftsman to be refined. The goldsmith places the gold in a crucible, and being held by tongs, thrusts the crucible into the flames to remove all of the impurities of the precious metal. After many times of being put in the flames, with temperatures in the thousands of degrees, the gold is finally made pure.

I couldn't stop thinking of how similar the process of refining gold is to our walk with the Lord.

Not only did Jesus choose us from the mess of the world, but he is constantly putting us in situations where we either have the choice to be refined or to walk away.

Take someone's death for an example. Recently at our school a former student passed away. It was a moment of grief for many students, but even through it those close to him chose joy instead of anger. They rejoiced because the student wasn't in pain anymore, and they didn't allow themselves to be overcome with despair.

This is a refining moment in the flames. As would many other circumstances, such as being stuck in a financial crisis or experiencing a break-up after a long-term relationship that you thought would lead to marriage.

How will you handle the flames that arise in your life? Will you flee, or will you remain and allow the Lord to mold your character into something more like Him?

1. The Lord takes us through struggles and pain for a reason. His ultimate purpose for us is to grow more and more into the image of Christ, and the trials we encounter are designed to help us reach that goal. Trials develop godly character, and that enables us to "rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope." (Romans 5:3-4)

2. The Lord also reassures us that those who call on His name during these times of trial will be answered. When we put our hope fully in Him, He will calm us during the storm and provide a way out in His timing. It may not happen right away, like the Israelites who wandered in the desert for 40 years, but He will work as what fits best in His plan for your life.

"I will refine them like silver and test them like gold. They will call on my name and I will answer them; I will say, 'They are my people,' and they will say, 'The Lord is our God.'" (Zechariah 13:9)

There's no avoiding the pains and troubles that come with life on earth. However, we do have a choice about what we do when these troubling times hit. Choosing to trust in the Lord and abide in Him during the storm will give us the opportunity to grow more into the image of Christ.

And once we choose to put our hope in Him, the Lord will rid of us of all our impurities when we become fully SATURATED in His presence. Ask Him to ignite the flame in your heart that would gnaw away at any impurity hindering your from growing in your relationship with the Lord.

Fill In The Blank

Today in chapel we sang "Great I Am" by New Life Worship.
I remember over the summer debating with one of my friends over what the best worship songs were, and this song popped up. My friend described it as the "most powerful worship song of the day," and honestly, I couldn't argue that.
The chorus goes like this:

Hallelujah, Holy Holy
God Almighty, the Great I Am
Who is worthy
None beside Thee
God Almighty, the Great I am

I've sung this song probably a dozen times in church settings. In my own listening, I've played it countless times. But I never fully grasped what the lyrics meant until today.
As I was worshipping, I started thinking about the Old Testament patriarchs. Moses. Abraham. Joseph. Their stories are fresh in my head, because I committed to doing the whole "Read-The-Bible-In-A-Year" thing for one of my new year's resolutions.
I remember reading how God appeared to Moses in a burning bush and said, "I AM WHO I AM." His answer puzzled me. But the answers lie in the previous chapeters and the books to come in both the Old and New Testaments.
God is our Deliverer, Healer, Redeemer, Provider, Defender, Fighter, Father, Friend, Helper, Shepherd... The list goes on and on.
God is whoever you need Him to be in your circumstance.
Even when Jesus comes in the New Testament, He uses the same phrases to describe Himself. The book of John lists several of these:
"I am the Bread of Life."
"I am the Good Shepherd."
"I am the Light of the world."
God is the Great I Am ___________. You fill in the blank.
Whether you need healing from a sickness, peace in a relationship, money in a financial crisis, or anything in-between, He is there standing in the gap for you. Have faith in Him and He will be there for you in whatever way you need Him to.

I Will Not Fear

(The most important part of this post is bolded; that's my story from this past Friday night.)
There's a really cool evangelistic opportunity at my school. It's called Encounter.
Every Friday night, students gather in one of the classrooms on campus to worship and pray for an hour. Then, at around 11:30 p.m., they hit the streets of downtown Minneapolis to get to know the people who are out partying and drinking. Their goal is to spread Christ's love through simple conversation, which ultimately can open doors for prayer and salvation.
I started going to Encounter during spring semester of my freshman year. In fact, it wasn't until the very last outing that I went. My friend Amy reeled me into it, saying that it was "so awesome." Yeah, I was terrified.
See, I had never been one to go out and evangelize, nonetheless walk around the streets of Minneapolis at night. I'm not a city girl. I come from a small town bordering the suburbs, so this experience would DEFINITELY push me out my comfort zone.
But I went. And, I liked it. The Lord knew exactly what He was doing when He sent me out on those streets that night. My partner and I were able to hear the life story of a guitar player near one of the clubs, and eventually we got to pray with him. It was incredible; nothing like I had ever experienced before.
That one night was a launching pad for my consistent attendance the following year. I started to feel a deeper love for the city and the people. I started to feel the brokenness enveloping the city, and God placed a passion inside of me to go and minister to that.
Fast forward a year. It's my junior year at North Central University, and this past semester I didn't go to Encounter very much. Instead, I was working late nights and early mornings on the weekends, so my body couldn't afford sacrificing a good night's sleep. The times I did go out were amazing, though.
And now it's the beginning of a semester. I quit my weekend job during winter break, which means Encounter is now something I can go to more often if the Lord leads me to it. Speaking of which, this past Friday I went out. And wow, was it mind-blowing. I want to share my story with you.
I was partnered with one of the leaders named Josiah and a new student named Gabi. We walked downtown and talked to quite a few people, but it wasn't until we reached Bar Fly that the main events of the night struck. Josiah started talking to a man, and as this was happening a drunk guy ambled off the street. Gabi and I said "hello" and started a conversation with him. Gabi was doing most of the talking, and as the the conversation progressed my eyes drifted off to the side. I saw a woman dressed in a long, puffy coat with a fur hood covered her head. Her face was buried in a white scarf, and you could barely see her pale brown face in the light. That's when I felt the nudging of the Holy Spirit. So I walked up to her. I asked her how her night was, and she suddenly stopped, turned to me, and gave me a hug. I didn't know how to respond. She then pulled out four coins and asked me if I had $0.75. I said no, but I told her I could pray for her if she'd like. Immdiately she turned away and walked in the other direction. After that happened, I was able to talk and pray with the man she was with who was walking beside her. Then I moved back to Gabi's conversation with the drunk guy. I noticed on the other side of the bus stop (where we were standing) there were two police officers with a skankishly dressed girl. The drunk guy waltzed over to one of the officers and tapped his shoulder to use him as a metaphor in our conversation about the Bible. Suddenly, another officer appeared and told the drunk guy to leave the premises otherwise he could be arrested for interrupting a serious situation (the girl was intoxicated and the officers were trying to help her find her friends to get home). The drunk guy backed off, but it seemed as if the officer didn't understand, because he grabbed ahold of his shirt and shoved him against the glass wall of the bus stop. The man started yelling, and all of a sudden he was tackled into the street. Gabi and I had backed away by this point and had started to pray over the situation. We didn't know what was happening. After praying and meeting up with two other group members, the officers had left and the drunk guy had walked off in another direction. But the girl was still there, surrounded by two of her friends now. One of the friends left, and the other friend was on the phone. My attention grazed towards the intoxicated girl, however. She was seated on a bench, scrunched up with her hands covering her face. The Holy Spirit then nudged me over to them.
"Ladies, how are you doing? Is everything okay?"
"Everything's fine," said the girl on the phone.
But I could tell not everything was fine. The intoxicated girl was dressed in a white blouse, a black mini skirt and black tights. I could tell she was freezing. So I asked her a question.
"Honey, are you cold?"
No response. Just a quick seat-shift to the side, and her hands motioning for me to sit down next to her. I sat down and offered her my coat, but her friend refused to have me give it to her. So I just hugged her, my arm wrapped around her cold, frail body.
She cuddled closer against me, and I could her hear whisper, "You're warm" under her intoxicated breath. It broke me.
The time went by, and after five minutes their ride came and the girl on the phone got up and helped her friend up. I then regrouped with the others who were standing nearby.
This is what I learned that night:
Sometimes following the lead of the Holy Spirit is uncomfortable. It will scare you out of your mind; it will draw you into places you'd never imagine going before.
But when you drop all your fear and uncertainty on the side of the road and say, "God, I will do WHATEVER you want me to do," that's when He accompanies you and fights for you.
That's what I had to do on Friday night.
I'll be transparent with you. I told you above that after my first experience with Encounter, I really started to like it. I've had amazing interactions with people on the streets, but all of these interactions have been primarily through the prompting of one of my partners. I've never sparked my own conversation with someone on the street. And, to add to that, I've never talked to a woman on the streets. Only men. That's my confession. My fear.
Or, should I say, old fear. On Friday night, I decided that I was done hanging out in the background. I decided I was done just following the lead of my partner, and not listening to the Holy Spirit while on the street.
I wanted to listen to the Holy Spirit, and I really wanted to talk to women.
Then God spoke to me. He told me that He would fight for me if I put my hope in Him. He would be my mouthpiece if my own words failed.
So I allowed God to use me. I allowed myself to become nothing so He could work through me. I was able to listen to the nudging of the Holy Spirit, and I was able to talk to two women.
See, we are nothing without the power of Christ in us. I believe that to be so incredibly true. From the very roots of my relationship with the Lord I am dependent on Him. He was nailed to a cross so I could be redeemed, and by faith in Him, I am saved. That's my story.

Don't be a Partial Follower

Tonight I was reading in 1 Samuel 15.
God sends out Saul to attack the Amalekites and totally destroy everything that belongs to them, not sparing one human or animal.
In Saul's perspective, he obeyed what the Lord had commanded of him. He gathered and army and wiped out the Amalekites. However, he kept the king and the best of the sheep and cattle alive.
When the word of the Lord came to Samuel, he was very distressed. Samuel knew that Saul did not carry out God's instructions completely, and so he knew God would punish Saul for this. Samuel went to Saul and told him this, and when Saul received word that the Lord rejected him as king because of his partial obedience, he mourned and grieved deeply.
This is a powerful story of OBEDIENCE and what it means for us.
Maybe the Lord has instructed you to quit a job, end a relationship, move to a new city, or something else that would dramatically change your life. It's easy to listen to Him tell us his plans for our life, but it's an entirely different feeling to actually follow his plans.
Fear.
Worry.
Sadness.
I know I struggled with these feelings for the past few months. God had specifically told me to quit my first job -- the job I've had since my senior year of high school (that's 3 1/2 years) -- before I went back to school for spring semester this year. I hesitated with the thought of actually quitting my job. I was so cultured into that place, and comfortable. I had formed friendships that would last many years after leaving. I was scared.
Then God started wrestling with me. I started sharing my situation with a few of my friends, and they were all on God's side. No one told me to keep the job. This frustrated me.
It wasn't until one night when I was praying and journaling that it finally dawned on me: I needed to let go of this job in order to step into the new and bright future God had planned before me. I couldn't cling on to it secretly and pretend that God didn't see.
And, I couldn't hang on to the job for the summer and school breaks. Because that would only be obeying the Lord partially.
See, when the Lord instructs us to do something, we need to obey Him FULLY. It isn't enough to obey Him PARTIALLY -- even if it's 99% of what He's telling us to do, and ignoring the other 1%.
There are serious consequences if we don't obey His instruction completely. For Saul, he was rejected as king. Now that's a pretty big deal when you consider he was king over all of Israel, the Lord's people.
I challenge you to examine your heart, soul and mind and where they stand when making decisions to follow the Lord's plan for you life. Do you second guess yourself, or purposely get caught in a tangle of confusion, just so you can keep yourself in a comfortable position in life?
The Christian life isn't meant to be comfortable. It's meant to be reckless, adventurous and dangerous. Because even if the next step is uncertain, God has already memorized the entire path and will lead us along without fault if we put our entire trust in Him.

"Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails." (Prov. 19:21)