I pick up my phone, and my fingers dial the 10-digit number. Cautiously pressing the phone up against my ear, I cross my fingers on my left hand and hope that the person doesn't answer. As the dial signal drains on, I anxiously await the voicemail. 10 more seconds.
"Hello?"
I skip a breath. My hopes are crushed. Disappointed, my voice perks up and starts asking away at whatever I was planning on speaking to the person about.
Does this scenario sound familiar?
You call someone, and you purposely wait for the voicemail so you don't have to interact with the person live.
I think it's funny how often we humans do this, especially in this digital age. We're becoming more and more afraid of conversation. And with this comes a fear of intimacy.
I have a fear of intimacy. That's what my eyes have become open to this summer.
At Caribou, I plant my feet behind the register and gaze down at the screen after punching in the customer's order, careful not to say too much to the guest, because that would be invading their privacy. I'm only an employee, anyway. Why would they want to establish a connection with me? I wear a brown apron and serve them coffee every day. No one special.
And it's not limited to work. I walk back to my room after work, and crash down on my bed or the chair and shut the door behind me. I seclude myself from my suitemates, because the introvert in me needs space.
Whatever the situation may be, I've learned that I'm terrified of stepping outside my comfort zone to interact with people I'm not close with already.
The funny thing is, as Christians, this is our calling. In Matthew 28:19, it says, "Therefore, go and make disciples of all nations." We are called to reach people of all shapes, colors, and backgrounds.
As if this isn't enough, God calls us to live our lives openly. In 2 Corinthians 6:11-13, Paul writes about his interaction with the Corinthians:
"We have spoken FREELY to you, Corinthians, and OPENED WIDE OUR HEARTS TO YOU. We are not withholding our affection from you, but you are withholding yours from us. As a fair exchange -- I speak as to my children -- open wide your hearts also."
Paul and his companions spoke freely to the Corinthians and opened their hearts wide to them. They didn't hold anything back. They swung wide open the door of intimacy, and didn't allow anything to come between them. They were real and authentic, and didn't hide themselves in the shadows.
This is how I want to live. I want to embrace my identity as a child of light.
Instead of shaking behind the register at work, I want to get to know our guests and encourage them in their daily lives.
Instead of escaping to the corridors of my room when I get home from work, I want to stop by people's rooms in the hall on the way back and say hello.
Instead of keeping my door shut, I want to keep it open to let others in. And not just a physical, wooden door -- the door of my heart.
**Are you afraid of intimacy? Do you hide yourself from others? What's causing you to build a wall up around yourself?
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