Lies

I stare at the blank screen before my eyes. Graphics, words, colors, and shapes all dancing across the page. I hate modern technology. I miss the beauty of a 5 x 7" journal; the crispness of the creamy yellow pages and the smudged pencil marks dabbed across the page. I very well could be writing in one of those right now. But no, instead I'm choosing to take the easy way out (for my hands at least). My dry hands type letter after letter as I sit cross-legged on my top bunk, wrapped in my fleece tie blanket I made in 8th grade. A cold shivers down my arms as I listen to the faint whisper of my neighbor's fan through the wooden panels of the wall, noticing that there's no music echoing through the buds of my headphones. Now for a new song... Ahhh, "Poison & Wine" by The Civil Wars. Such a beautifully crafted song. The simple strumming of the acoustic guitar and the melodious piano mixed with the tremendous duo of Joy Williams and John Paul White. It makes my heart tremble with awe. It heightens the already insightful, thinking mood I'm in. My head is wrapped around so much. School, God, friendships, romance... Oh the latter, haha. Romance. How long it's been since I've tasted that. What was it, a little less than two years and two months when my ex-boyfriend and I broke up? Goodness, how I hate that prefix "ex". There's so much distaste in it. It makes me think of a cold heart, and all the negatives endured in that relationship. I don't want to remember those. In fact, I don't want to remember much at all. I've been so haunted by my past relationship recently -- viewing his Facebook statuses and seeing that charming, chubby face with little patches of fuzz snapped across my home page. I miss that guy. But it's time to move on. No more talking about him. I'm over him. I really am. The first two months of school were a healing phase -- a time period where I was emotionally redeemed and freed. I felt like a little white dove being released from it's cage, what a beautiful picture. Now I'm trapped again in that cage. The ropes have been pulling, and I'm stuck in a feeling of confusion and uncertainty. I want to trust in the Lord and believe that he will carry me through, but the lies of the enemy keep popping in my head. You aren't pretty enough to have a guy like you. Even more so, you don't have the character and inner beauty a man of God would be looking for in his dream girl. You're afraid to pursue real relationships and dive into the messy core of the matter. You're a weakling, ready to fall and touch the ground and never get back up again. You're insane for handing all that's on your plate. You are too much of a burden for anyone to care about. No one will want to pay the extra effort into getting to know you by performing random acts of kindness, or by giving up something to be with you. No one wants to send you mail, a card, or even a text, because you aren't a good enough friend. You don't know how to carry on a conversation with another human being. You fail at communication and will never succeed as a journalist because of your awkwardness. Lies. The lies keep coming... They filter through my brain and I cannot stop them... I want to believe them, so, SO, terribly. I want to fall victim to the enemy and let myself be consumed by the world's views. "No," I have to tell myself. NO! I will not believe these lies. I will not be trapped by false figments of my mind. I will be strong and courageous and beautiful, and stand up against what is a lie. I will follow truth, and truth alone. Truth that is found in my Savior, Jesus Christ. He tells me that I am His Beloved and that I am so very precious to His Kingdom. I have a plan and a purpose in my life, and he's taking me further along that path every day. I don't need to worry or be discouraged, because He is by my side. I don't need to tremble with fear or fall back into the shadows, where I am slain to the lies. I am free. I am beautiful. And I am worthy of a man of God someday, someone who is so incredible and amazing and full of the Holy Spirit. Someone who will treasure me and take time out of their day for the little things; the small things that all add up to pure, relentless love in the end.