Desire

I feel spiritually dead. Over the weekend, I spent all my time working or hanging out with friends. It's not that I wasn't able to spend time with the Lord; I chose not to. I filled that time with other social activities. And this isn't something that just happened this past weekend. Ever since I started my spiritual journey as a Christian, I've struggled with spending time with the Lord. I've never had a period of time where I've consistently spent time with the Lord every day. Of course I've thought about it and even spent hours designating time for it in my schedule, it's just when the time actually hits, I overwrite it with something else -- whether it be productive or not. Even now I am filling my "God time" slot with writing this blog. I don't know how to overcome this pattern in my life. Every time I do it, I look back and feel shame. I ask God for forgiveness, and I know he forgives, but I wonder how he looks at me when he sees me doing it continuously. I envision a picture of God's wrath burdening on his holy face. He is ashamed for me. It's like I'm running on a treadmill. Always working towards an intimate relationship with my Savior, but never actually putting a valiant effort into it. I'm afraid to step off the rotating black belt with nothing in my way, but never actually going anywhere. The thought of setting my foot on the rugged trail of venturing towards a real relationship with Christ, with all the struggles and challenges, scares me. I don't know how to encounter Christ daily and interact with him. For me, it only happens through congregational worship and prayer that is planned ahead of time. When I have to make my own time for God, I always find away around it. Because no one will know if I skip it. And I'm not saying that I don't want to spend time with God. I do, it's just I get distracted so easily and Satan's voice reels me away from it. Basically what I'm trying to say is that I don't know what it means to have a burning passion for Christ, and I want that. I want to know the Lord so closely, that I am always hungering towards him. I want to always be searching for a way to get to know him better. But how? That's the question. I suppose I could keep on allotting time for him every day, but that won't do anything unless I actually do it. I need a spark of motivation every day. I need a boost to push me into that time with God, even if I don't want to or make excuses. I need accountability. And maybe when I embark on this journey, God will begin to do things like never before. Maybe he'll begin teaching me things I was blind to before. Maybe he'll instill a burning desire for him. Whatever it is, I want it. Just to spend time with the Lord and dig into his Word. This is my heart's longing.