Sometimes I feel broken. I feel unloved and alone, and go into a frenzy of sadness.
That was tonight.
I don't know what it was -- the busyness of the day, the stress weighing down on me, or the crowds of people towering around me on every side. It's frightening. I'm an introvert, so I find my energy and happiness in my alone time. I cannot stand being around large groups of people for too long.
Unfortunately, that's what I had to deal with tonight. After clearing a plate of mouth-watering Chinese food with my amazing Student Ministry Board (SMB) family, I bounced upstairs and met my friend Michael in the lobby. We weren't sure about what we were going to do, but we decided to go to the Variety Show with a nod and a smile. Neither of us were that excited about it, but we went. It was full of laughs, smiles, and warm feelings.
But let me share a little secret with you. Every time during a sit-down event, whether it be a movie, concert, show, or service, I am always self-conscious about myself and worry about what the person next to me thinks. In this case, Michael. I fretted about if I was too quiet, laughing too obnoxiously, or just plain boring. I didn't know! I also felt this need to chit-chat about the jokes and stories being made onstage. I worried that if I was silent and didn't make side comments now and then about the acts, then he would ultimately think I'm not fun or exciting to hang out with anymore, thus causing our relationship to plunge downwards. Which I would hate.
At the end of the Variety Show, I left the show awkwardly with these inner thoughts rotating around my head. Michael stumbled in front of me and stopped, sporting that big bright smile on his face, turned around, and looked at me. I shyly mustered up the words. "Ummmm, so, what are you doing the rest of the night?" I had no idea if he wanted to hang out more. Because honestly, I felt I received a big fat F in the book of "having a good night together". Just because I'm not the whimsical jokster that whisks up creative remarks between everything that goes on onstage. He said he was tired and was going to work out, and then head to sleep. Then he gave me one of his big wonderful bear hugs (which are the best hugs in the world, by the way) and walked away. Okay, Michael's gone. Now what?Bam. Fluster of sad emotions. I stood uncomfortably in the atrium, waiting nervously and hoping that someone I knew would come out of the sanctuary. Nothing. I said "hello" to my friend Brianna and told her she put on a good ole' Minnesota accent during the video she was apart of, but other than that, my quest for a friend was hopeless. Back to the room (after finding a group of girls from my floor, might I add in).
I scurried back to my room and plopped myself down on my bed (where I am writing this blog currently :-). I was still in an uproar of emotion. I kept thinking about how worthless, boring, and unloved I was. No one actually cherishes spending time with me. I'm just one of those surface people who no one can open up to. I'm not funny. I'm not smart. I can't come up with jokes on-the-spot. I'm not worth people's time. I'm just one of those people who goes through life and hides behind the everyday tasks of life -- work and school. These are the lies that flooded my mind. I couldn't stop them. I dug out Oreos and milk in attempts to soften my panic, but after a few minutes the chocolately satisfaction wore off. I was back in my race of negative emotions once again.
Why is it that women experience such traumatic and painful emotional pitfalls? Well, I kind of unknowingly discovered the answer in a book I'm reading at the moment... "Captivating" by John & Stasi Eldredge. Chapter Three (I can't even remember the last time I read the book, but I felt a little voice telling me I had to pick it up -- it was probably God's ;-).
Oh my gosh. You know those moments you experience that were totally meant for you, but you didn't know it until they actually happened? This was one of these times. Holy bananas. God totally spoke!! The chapter talked about the curse Eve left on women-kind. When she bit into the fruit of the tree God specifically told her not to, she fell short of the glory of God and was punished by God. The curse was not entirely in the physical, though -- not only pain in childbearing and the dominance of man over woman. The curse also included a feeling of unending emptiness.
That's exactly what I was feeling. I read on, page after page, curious as to what the answer was to cure this feeling of emptiness. I read about dominating and desolate women, and discovered that I really am a desolate woman. I can be way too needy and long for a romantic relationship to the point where my heart feels unloved. I can also be too vulnerable and pour too much of life's details out on the spot.
But despite the type of woman I am, I learned that all women indulge. We all seek out love and acceptance through bingeing, gambling, drinking, having sex... The list goes on and on. And we are never satisfied.
True satisfaction comes in the Lord. The Lord loves us and desires us, more than we can imagine. My friend Frankie shared a song with me tonight. It's called "I Knew What I Was Getting Into" by Misty Edwards. As I was listening, I set the lyrics before my eyes so I could follow along. Again, so good. God totally spoke!!
And I am not shocked by your weakness
And I am not shocked even by your sin
And I am not shocked by your brokenness
These were the lyrics that immediately stood out. God doesn't care about my weaknesses, my sin, and my brokenness! He doesn't care where I've fallen and slipped! He doesn't care if I've overreacted emotionally or beat myself up about stupid little things. God doesn't record our failures, he delights in our hunger for Him.That's truth. That's what I want to live by. That's what I need ingrained in me. I want to live desperately and passionately for the Lord with all that I am. Every speck, every morsel, every piece. All for Him! I don't want to care about if I look pretty enough to people on the outside, because I am a beauty and a treasure in the Lord's eyes! I don't want to care if people think I'm strange or awkward or nerdy, because I don't live by the world's expectations! I live only to glorify the Lord and magnify His name! Even if I may be a little outset from the norm, God still loves me and wraps His arms around me. And that applies to everyone. He is a good God and cares for each and every one of His creations. So go after Him -- He'll blow your mind. He did to me tonight. ;-)
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