I Don't Have To Understand

I lean not on my own understanding,
my life is in the hands of the Maker of heaven.
(from "Nothing I Hold On To" by United Pursuit Band)

These lyrics always shake my human will whenever I hear them. You mean I can't know everything? I can't control everything?
As humans, we suffer from a disease of wanting to control everything and know everything. We are paralyzed when we cannot see the end of the situation before us. We are crippled when we do not know the answer to a friend's question.

The other day I started to freak out over the finances I need to pay for my trip to Thailand: $3,000. At the bare minimum.
That number is not so welcoming to my bank account.
I started scribbling in my journal the reasons why I wouldn't be able to collect that much money before the end of November.
"I can only work so much. I can only bake so much (for the bake sale I'm going to use to fundraise). I can only send out so many support letters. I can only sell so many of my belongings. Am I just making this all up in my head? Someone's going to have to tell me that this is what I'm supposed to be doing."

And then it hit me. The verse dropped in my head like a coin being tossed in a wishing well.

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." (Philippians 4:6-7)

Wow. Just read that again. Especially the second sentence!
We don't have to understand things, because the peace of God is greater than that. We can have peace even in our confusion!
God reminded me that even though I have no idea how I'm going to come up with $3,000 for Thailand, He will make a way. I don't have to be stressed and frazzled. All I need to do is rest in His presence and let His peace cover me.

Because, here's the deal: When we allow confusion or worry to overcome us, we allow the devil to twist our thoughts and pour fear into us. Although it doesn't seem like an attack while it's occurring, it's the devil's way of taking our trust off of God and putting it in ourselves instead -- which isn't much, since we are weak and don't have the ability to see the outcome of things.

God's peace is our shield against these attacks. God's peace repels the daunting questions that pierce our human tendency to understand and control everything.

So instead of trying to understand how I'm going to pay for Thailand, I'm just going to let God do His work. I'm going to abide in His presence every day in order to be protected from attacks from the devil. I'm going to point my ears and my heart towards heaven and listen to God reaffirm in me that I am His daughter being used for His kingdom. And I'm going to work wholeheartedly, yet peacefully, on finding the finances needed to go to Thailand.

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FOR THAILAND, AND GOD'S PEOPLE LIVING THERE. BECAUSE THEY DESERVE JUSTICE.

When You're Both A Mary And A Martha

Two days ago I found out that I would be a student manager in my college cafeteria this fall. The moment I heard the news, I jumped in the air with excitement! Not only would I have more responsibility, but I was thankful for the increase in pay. I'm going to Thailand this December, and I need as much money as possible to pay for the trip.
But yesterday I felt almost guilty to have the position. What if people see me a power-hungry workaholic? Because not only do I have this student manager position, but I work another job and go to school full-time. That's 25 hours of work and 15 hours of class, not including time for homework. I'm also the editor-in-chief of my college newspaper.
I'm not listing all of this out of pride, I'm just throwing it out there so maybe you'll understand how I feel.
To put it blatantly, I'm becoming worried of what people think of me. I'm scared that because I have achieved two positions of authority in addition to my role as a student, people will see me as some arrogant, busy person that has everything together.
I really don't want to be see as that. And I really don't have everything together.
But is it that horrible to have a schedule that fits everything together so well?
I honestly enjoy all of the roles and tasks that fill my plate. I may not thoroughly enjoy them every moment and I may become frustrated and overwhelmed at times, but I find joy out of having a busy schedule.
And it's not like I never have time to spend time with people and with the Lord.
I really try to maintain strong relationships with people, whether they're close or far away. I make an effort to contact my friends on a weekly effort, because I care for them and want to hear about what's going on in their lives.
And I do spend time with the Lord every day. It may not be an hour-long time in worship just soaking in His presence, but I do try to hear Him and interact with Him on a constant basis. I love His presence, and all I really want is to be led by His Spirit and to know His heart more.
I'm realizing that I have a spirit like Mary's in a schedule like Martha's. But is that even possible? Can my spirit truly be at rest while involved in so much?

Bicycle Ride

Today I went on a spontaneous bike ride. I wasn't planning on going anywhere today, but after work I decided that I wanted to get out into the city and explore.
Before leaving, I sat down and attempted to find a map that would help me navigate the bike paths of Minneapolis. Thinking I knew where my bicycle adventure would take me, I burst outside with my white helmet in hand and my backpack stuffed with my journal and Bible, an apple and a water bottle.
I started biking on the road that I thought would intersect with the path I wanted to merge on. Nope, nothing. They really must keep these bike paths hidden. Or I'm just incredibly blind.
Concluding that I wasn't going to get anywhere without asking anyone, I was thankful to run in to another biker at the next stoplight. I asked her how to get to the destination I was hoping to find, and she gave me adequate directions.
I biked forward, and within the next mile I ended up passing by a friend I hadn't seen in three months. It was an unexpected blessing to catch up with him on the side of the road for a few minutes.
Then, I continued onwards. Unsure of where I was (I must have taken a wrong turn somewhere), I biked in unusual patterns around a section of streets I was unfamiliar with.
Instead of freaking out though, I just continued to pedal. My legs pushed me forward on the sidewalks with weeds peeking out between the cracks.
I'm lost. Oh well. I'm going somewhere, and eventually I'll end up at some destination -- whether it's the destination I'm planning on or not. It's all about the journey, anyway.
Those were the thoughts that flashed through my mind at that point, or something along those lines.

And then I realized that these thoughts ran parallel to the way we're supposed to live out our daily lives. They didn't just refer to my bicycle adventure, or traveling in general.
There are a million different paths to choose from in this life, and it can be frustrating and terrifying trying to measure if you're on the right path at the right time. Friends and family pressure you to walk one way, you desire the opposite way, and God's way never seems to be plain and clear in the moment.
Who said there was only one correct path to walk on, anyway?

I think there are multiple paths God lays before us, and He gives us the freedom of choice to pick the one we want to walk on. Whether it's choosing a college to attend, finding someone to marry, or any other decision that could alter your life path, God works everything out in the end.
I'm not saying that we should foolishly choose whichever path we want to take next out of pride or ignorance -- I do believe we should be asking God which path He wants us to take next in prayer. But sometimes He doesn't always give us a black-and-white answer. Sometimes He leaves it up to us to take the next step, and once we step forward, He'll mold our path into His plan for our lives.
Even if you take the wrong turn at one intersection, He'll merge another path into your life that will bring you back on track.

And I do believe that any path we choose leads to the same destination. What is that destination, you ask? God Himself. Whether we choose to be a businessman or pastor, live in the United States or India, run a marathon or play music at local venues, our path will always end up at the feet of Jesus when we are seeking His face every day.
It's not about the path itself; it's about the opportunities on the path you take to bless the people who are on the same path. But it's mostly about learning to glorify God and becoming closer to Him while facing whatever valleys, hills, or curves come your way.

** What path are you treading on, and what opportunities has God placed before you? Are you taking ahold of these, or passing them by? Are you growing closer to God as you continue to walk on the path you're on?

Wound

I went to Dunn Bros. with my dear friend yesterday. Over icy fruit smoothies in the 95 degrees heat, we exchanged thoughts about life and the season Lord had been taking each of us through.

As I described the battle between my spirit and my flesh I've been fighting this summer, she mentioned something that struck me. I had heard it at least a dozen times before, but I never had seen it through the lenses she unveiled:

Paul had a thorn in his flesh he had to live with, and the Lord wouldn't take it away. Even though he prayed over and over for it to be removed, it remained.
But instead of moaning and complaining about the thorn, Paul chose to live humbly and DELIGHTED in his weakness.
He delighted in weakness? What? That is so absurd to the human mind. Why would you delight over sickness, pain, persecution, abandonment, or any other difficulty?
But Paul knew that when he was weak, then he was strong. Because Christ reminded Paul that His power rested on him when he yielded himself in all his brokenness to Him.

"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." (2 Corinthians 12:9)

Just think about that. The Lord's power is made perfect -- flawless, complete, whole -- in our lives when we lay ourselves before His feet in all of our brokenness. When we put on a mask and pretend that everything is okay, we limit the work of the Lord in our lives. When we are strong in ourselves, the strength that the Lord offers is dismissed.
In weakness is where we are bestowed strength to overcome. Not strength of our own, but strength that only comes from the Lord above -- strength that is mightier than a thousand armies and fiercer than that of a hurricane.

After hearing those words from my friend, I realized that the battle I've been fighting has caused a thorn in my flesh. And just like Paul, maybe it won't go away. Maybe it will be something I need to face daily. Maybe it's something I'll continually have to surrender at the feet of Jesus when I wake up every morning, dying to my flesh in order to receive His power and walk in the freedom He brings
But you know what? God's grace is sufficient for me, and it's okay if I struggle. It's okay if I wear this wound.

It's just like Tenth Avenue North sings in their song, "The Struggle":
Hallelujah we are free to struggle
But we're not struggling to be free

I am not bound by my weakness. I am not locked in a cage anymore. No, I'm like a bird with a broken wing flying free! Although I am injured and my weakness drags me to the ground sometimes, I'm not chained up anymore.
Even though every day is a challenge and I fail more times than I can count, it's God's grace and an attitude of perseverance that keeps me going.

"For though a righteous man falls seven times, HE RISES AGAIN." (Proverbs 24:16)

Today I'm going to rise up again. Although every day is a battle, and this wound pierces beyond my flesh into my spirit, I will continue to let His power rest on me in my weakness. I will come before Him with a broken spirit and allow His grace to wash away any shame or guilt I feel.

Abba, thank you for weakness. For without weakness, my trust in you would falter.

Day #7: Beyond Me

So often I ask God, "What's wrong with me? How can I change?"
I sit down, journal and pencil in hand, and start scribbling down all of my problems. I fill the pages with troubles in my relationships with people, drama at work, insecurities that I suffer from, and so on.
Then I cry out to God, "Change me! I'm sick of who I am! Just transform me into the woman of God you created me to be."
Thinking that I've heard Him speak, I write down lists and formulas of ways to get rid of my problems.
I write, "Stop comparing yourself with other woman to combat jealousy," or "Don't talk about yourself all of the time to fight pride."And them I attempt to put these points into action.
But there's a problem.
The focus is still on me and my sin, not on grace and the love of God.

You see, transformation is more about the working of God in our lives than trying to fix ourselves.
It's looking beyond ourselves to the face of God and to the needs of others.
This is clearly outlined in Matthew 22:37-39:

"Jesus replied, 'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: Love your neighbor as yourself.'"

When we become outwardly focused instead of inwardly focused, God works from the inside out to cleanse us of our impurity.

Instead of focusing on weeding out the sin instead of us by ourselves, let's work on these two things:

1. Fix your eyes on Jesus - Are you more aware of the problems in your life than Jesus, who has already conquered death itself? Are you consumed with worry? Then maybe it's time to shift your gaze. Spend time with the Lord in your free time and allow Him to lavish His love on you and show you how much He cares for you. Let Him show you that you can trust Him, and that there is complete peace when we rest in His arms. Even though there isn't full clarity with trust, it's the cloudiness that keeps us rooted in Him and walking by faith.

2. Love others - When you go about your day, are you so in tune with your own schedule and "to-do" list that you couldn't budge to go out of your way for someone else? Do you spend all of your free time by yourself investing in your own personal hobbies rather than branching outward and seeing what other people enjoy doing? It's so easy to get wrapped up in our own needs and wants, and it's especially easy to cling to a routine. But focusing on our own desires can draw us away from the needs of others. Maybe there's a man on the side of the road you walk past every day that is crying out for help and you ignore him every time. It could be time to reach out to him and offer him a dollar, a sandwich or a word of encouragement. We are called to be the hands and feet of Jesus, and when Jesus walked this earth, he never ignored the cries of the needy. God's heart beats for justice, and justice is ultimately love.

Let's become people who are so focused on seeking Jesus and loving others, that there is no room for pride or bitterness or insecurity.
The grace of God will flush out the brokenness in you, but only when you give up and say you can't do it by yourself anymore. Striving is not an activity in God's kingdom.
So let go. Let go of your own strength, because God defends those who are weak, not those who think they are strong enough themselves. Fix your eyes on Jesus, and let Him refine your sight so you can see the needs of others. And through this newfound vision, reach out in love. Wash someone's dishes. Pay for someone's coffee. Mow someone's lawn. Buy someone's textbooks.
Whatever form it takes place in, love is always the answer. Because God is love. And love transforms people.

Day #6: Closed Door

Time to call that person again.

I pick up my phone, and my fingers dial the 10-digit number. Cautiously pressing the phone up against my ear, I cross my fingers on my left hand and hope that the person doesn't answer. As the dial signal drains on, I anxiously await the voicemail. 10 more seconds.

"Hello?"

I skip a breath. My hopes are crushed. Disappointed, my voice perks up and starts asking away at whatever I was planning on speaking to the person about.

Does this scenario sound familiar?

You call someone, and you purposely wait for the voicemail so you don't have to interact with the person live.

I think it's funny how often we humans do this, especially in this digital age. We're becoming more and more afraid of conversation. And with this comes a fear of intimacy.

I have a fear of intimacy. That's what my eyes have become open to this summer.

At Caribou, I plant my feet behind the register and gaze down at the screen after punching in the customer's order, careful not to say too much to the guest, because that would be invading their privacy. I'm only an employee, anyway. Why would they want to establish a connection with me? I wear a brown apron and serve them coffee every day. No one special.

And it's not limited to work. I walk back to my room after work, and crash down on my bed or the chair and shut the door behind me. I seclude myself from my suitemates, because the introvert in me needs space.

Whatever the situation may be, I've learned that I'm terrified of stepping outside my comfort zone to interact with people I'm not close with already.

The funny thing is, as Christians, this is our calling. In Matthew 28:19, it says, "Therefore, go and make disciples of all nations." We are called to reach people of all shapes, colors, and backgrounds.

As if this isn't enough, God calls us to live our lives openly. In 2 Corinthians 6:11-13, Paul writes about  his interaction with the Corinthians:

"We have spoken FREELY to you, Corinthians, and OPENED WIDE OUR HEARTS TO YOU. We are not withholding our affection from you, but you are withholding yours from us. As a fair exchange -- I speak as to my children -- open wide your hearts also."

Paul and his companions spoke freely to the Corinthians and opened their hearts wide to them. They didn't hold anything back. They swung wide open the door of intimacy, and didn't allow anything to come between them. They were real and authentic, and didn't hide themselves in the shadows.

This is how I want to live. I want to embrace my identity as a child of light.

Instead of shaking behind the register at work, I want to get to know our guests and encourage them in their daily lives. 

Instead of escaping to the corridors of my room when I get home from work, I want to stop by people's rooms in the hall on the way back and say hello.

Instead of keeping my door shut, I want to keep it open to let others in. And not just a physical, wooden door -- the door of my heart.

**Are you afraid of intimacy? Do you hide yourself from others? What's causing you to build a wall up around yourself?

Day #5: Mother to the Motherless

I'm sitting here in the kitchen waiting for the cookie dough in the fridge to harden so I can make sweet little pink peanut butter blossoms. They're my gift to my mom and grandma for Mother's Day.
Speaking of mothers, I am blessed by these two fabulous women who have nurtured and cared for me the past 20-and-a-half years of my life. Ever since I popped out as a crying infant in the hospital room, my mom and grandma have provided for me and helped shape me into the woman I am today. They always make sure I have a penny in my pocket and encourage me when I'm having a rough day. Without them, I don't know where I would be. I probably wouldn't be baking these peanut butter blossoms, for one thing (my grandma is a killer baker who taught me well).

Today is the day we get to celebrate the blessing of the mothers in our lives. I am blessed to have a mother and two grandmothers, but there are some people who many not have any. It's to these people I want to reach out to in this blog post.

Many of you have probably heard that God is a "father to the fatherless." (Psalm 68:5)
He fills the place of a father in many people's lives, even to those who have an earthly father. He gives us strength and boldness, and He fights for us through any battle or storms that arises in our life.
He calls us His beloved children, and knows us each individually. He knows the number of hairs on our head and wraps us in His arms with love and grace.

But God also mirrors the figure of a mother.
This may sound strange to some, because so many visualize God as a strong warrior or king. God would never weep for His children, would He? He would never nurture us like a mother nurses her baby, would He?
Yet, God is not confined to a gender. He is neither male nor female. In fact, BOTH man and woman were created in the image of God. (Genesis 1:27)

This Mother's Day, I encourage you to look to God to fill the empty gap of a mother in your life. Whether your mother died, abandoned you and your family, or any other circumstance, let God wrap His loving and tender arms around you like a mother would. Let Him gently speak words of kindness to you and let Him take care of all your struggles and restlessness.

What good mothers do best is take care of their children, no matter what kind of mess they get into. They pray for their children, cook them hearty warm meals, wash their dirty clothes, and send them care packages in the mail when they go far away.
God loves you and prays for you daily.
He will nourish you not only physically, but spiritually with His Living Water and Bread of Life.
He washes your dirty stains of sin away, and makes them white as snow.
He sends messengers into your life to remind you of your place.

Rest, O lost and abandoned child. You don't have to fear, worry, or cry any longer. He is there with open arms, ready to shower love over you. All you need to do is let go and let Him love you, just like a mother would.

**Do you have a mother or a mother figure in your life? What do you cherish most about them? If not, how can you allow God to be a mother to you?