Sunday, October 30, 2011

Prodigal Son

As I sat in the mess of blankets on my bed last night, I took out my journal and pencil and began scribbling a poem. It turned out to be something totally different than I had imagined when I began writing. The idea in my head originally was to map out a poem that followed the journey of a believer on their drifting away from Christ, and the road back to the cross. But instead, it follow the journey of a believer and the thoughts and feelings after they turn their back on God. I don't know if I wrote it "right", and it's only a rough draft, but I just wanted to share it with you. Feel free to comment and post suggestions.

I walk through this valley
Satan's voice tempting me at every corner.
I am derailed from life's path,

and the world caves in all around me.
The sex

the drugs
the drinking
are all my new refuges.


I have become one of "them".
The ones Christians point out on the street as wretched and lost,
the ones who party because they have nowhere else to hide their sin.


I am a hypocrite.
I have become a rotten soul

not worth dying for.
You cannot convince me of anything,
not a hope,
a faith,
or a love.
It doesn't matter what 1 Corinthians 13 says.
I am unworthy of Christ's love.


But what about Paul the Apostle, you say?
What about Rahab?

What about the prodigal son?
I have wandered afar.
So far,
that I have become spiritually broken.
My soul is not satisfied
with the things I consume it with.
I am desperate for more.

So why don't you show me that?
Why don't you spare me a quarter so I can buy something to eat?
Why don't you see the hurt in my eyes and pull me away from the guy with his arms all over me?
Why don't you look at my ugly, scarred, dirty face, but at the well-dressed businessman?

I am no one to you.

Yet your gospel preaches that you are to
"love your neighbor as yourself" and

"feed the broken".
I don't see that.
So how can I believe your message?


[10/29/2011]

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Give Me Your Eyes

What does it mean to truly love the Lord and others? This is what's been resting on my heart all day. I'm in this season of life where I'm trying to discover and unveil the Lord. I'm trying to seek after His will and His heart, and let His desires resonate with mine. I want to be so hungry for Him. I want to yearn after Him every minute of the day, and have this unquenchable thirst for more of Him. More of His love, His grace, His peace, His kindness, His goodness... Everything that the Lord gives. For He is the provider of everything we could ever ask for. He's there for us in our time of need, when we're walking through the valley of death and we feel like we can't take one step further. He's there when we feel like we've given up and failed. He's there to reassure us through the storms of this life. He doesn't care if we're perfect or consistently doing things for His glory. Yes, He rejoices when we do, but all He wants first is for us to be. To live in the Lord and the promises He has given us. To dance with joy because of his provisions, and love on Him with all of our heart, soul, and mind. Teach me how to love You, Lord. Teach me to bow myself at Your feet, and humble myself completely and wholly to You. I am Yours, and You have made me a new creation. Show me what it means to love You with everything that I am. I want to consistently seek after You. For You have given me a life and delivered me from the chains of my past, and You have a plan and a purpose that You are building right now. Open my eyes to the unseen, Lord. Give me Your eyes.

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

To Love Another

Love God. Love people. I'm sure you've heard this phrase before. It's the famous tagline of Dr. Anderson, our president at NCU. It's kind of like the unofficial mission statement of North Central, I guess. It's what we as students strive to live for. We want to love God first and emanate that love to everyone around us. The phrase didn't really unfold itself to me until this morning in chapel, though. It was our first chapel service after Fall Break, which marked the middle of the semester. As we were worshipping, I felt a shift in my heart taking place. For the past two months or so, my focus has been on breaking the chains that bind me to my past. I encountered God multiple times with the issue, asking him to release me and give me freedom. I was tested and challenged several times when I went home, but now I feel that God has something new for me. Even though I didn't always succeed at overcoming my past mistakes when I was surrounded by them, God was always there to help me and support me. I feel like I have gained confidence and trust in the Lord over the past few months, and now it is time for something more. Something deeper and greater that will put me out on the battlefield again. Something resonating with my heart ever since the beginning of school has been the desire to love on people. I kind of shoved this aside as I tuned myself into letting go of the past. Of course I'm always trying to share God's love with others, whether it be through a simple flash of a smile or a handmade card in someone's mailbox. But I haven't seriously committed to serving and loving on people every minute of every day. There's times when my selfish desires or bad attitude will surpass my actions to love on others. Right now I put myself before others, and I want this to flip-flop. I want to humble myself down to a servent. I want to wait on other people's feet. I want to be like the woman who poured her expensive perfume on Jesus' feet and washed it off with her hair. I want to be selfless. I want to live off the minimum, and give all my other efforts for the joy and happiness of others. Because it's not about me. It's about God, others, and then me. I am an instrument of God's love that needs to be pouring itself into the lives of others 24/7.

Monday, October 24, 2011

Real

I've come to the conclusion that since Tumblr is officially blocked at my school, that I must resort all my thoughts, questions, and emotions to my Blogspot. There's no other outlet for it other than a journal, which would require bursts of muscle in my hand to prevent me from getting writer's cramp. So I'd rather type out my thoughts simply on a screen, where I can make as many edits as I want. But on to what's on my mind.
Today I realized that I live in a community of surface relationships. I don't go beyond the simple "Hi, how are you?" conversations with many of the people in my life. And if I do go beyond a mere greeting, there isn't much depth to a lot of the conversations I have with people. We talk about the easy stuff: classes, music, people, movies, etc. And sometimes the conversations I have with people are totally pointless in a matter -- the content is purely for humor and entertainment, revolving around nothing but jokes and snarky comments. I'm sick of the shallow level of communication in my life. I want to dive deeper, into the unknown and the risky places. I actually want to get to know people for who they really are. I'm tired of hearing "good" or "fine" when I ask how someone is doing. I want to uncover what's really going on behind the facade they put on. I want to experience risk and force myself to muster up trust with people. I don't want anything but blatent honesty. I want realness, even if it is the bad and the ugly. I don't care. I don't want to live in the safe and happy world anymore, I want to plunge myself into the world of chaos and uncertainty where Jesus is the only answer to overcome all the problems going on. All I want is for the masks on the relationships I have to shatter. I want the walls that are hindering me from growing closer to the people in my life to break. All I want is realness.