Puzzle Pieces

Uncertainty clouds my vision. I am blinded by a hazy fog, and I cannot find the way out of this maze. There are so many directions leading in various places. Hills, valleys, streams, mountains, plains, forests... Which path is the right path? I dare not step foot into one of these places until I know fully well that it's where I'm supposed to be. This is the scenario I find myself in. A handful of decisions staring at me in the face. The future of next semester is haunting. Where will I live? Where will I work? How will I maintain my ministry? Will I earn enough money to pay for tuition? I don't know what to do. I've spent hours thinking and putting efforts towards creating a plan for next semester, but I still lie in the shadows of the unknown. I've calculated all the numbers and figures of finances, but they all seem like a blur on the spreadsheet when I fix my eyes upon them. It's like the puzzle of my life has been torn apart, and all the pieces lie scattered on the old cement floor. I must pick them up, piece by piece, color by color, shape by shape. Affix them with one another again until they form the balanced, unified portrait of my life again.
God, give me strength. Give me wisdom. Give me guidance. Give me discernment. I believe if I seek after you, then you will provide me with all the right answers. Speak to me through your Word, your messengers, and your own voice. I believe that You will provide for me next semester and open up the right doors for me, and close all the wrong ones. I trust in You.
"The LORD is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; 
   my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge, 
   my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold."
   Psalm 18:2

Masterpiece

Discouragement is something that always seems to creep itself into the cracks of my mind. A huge part of discouragement, at least for me, is the feeling of loneliness and feeling unloved. This is a poem I wrote to counter the attacks of discouragement. Because God is so in love with me, and desires an intimate relationship with me. I can't forget this, no matter how much the enemy tries to lie to me.

Come away with me, my daughter

My beloved child

cradle yourself in my loving arms

You are loved.

You are worth more

than gold and silver

and treasures kept by men.

You are more beautiful

than the lilies in the field

and the snow-topped mountains on the horizon.

You are my creation

Created in the palms of my hand

from the dust of the earth.

I formed you out of nothing

into something beautiful.

Something so unique and precious

that you are one-of-kind.

No one can replace you

no one can compare to the beauty of your image.

I love every piece of you

every mistake and every failure,

every gift and every good thing,

you are the breathtaking result of my handiwork.

Nothing can change that.

I am your Father

and you, my child

are my masterpiece.

[11/1/11]

Desire

I feel spiritually dead. Over the weekend, I spent all my time working or hanging out with friends. It's not that I wasn't able to spend time with the Lord; I chose not to. I filled that time with other social activities. And this isn't something that just happened this past weekend. Ever since I started my spiritual journey as a Christian, I've struggled with spending time with the Lord. I've never had a period of time where I've consistently spent time with the Lord every day. Of course I've thought about it and even spent hours designating time for it in my schedule, it's just when the time actually hits, I overwrite it with something else -- whether it be productive or not. Even now I am filling my "God time" slot with writing this blog. I don't know how to overcome this pattern in my life. Every time I do it, I look back and feel shame. I ask God for forgiveness, and I know he forgives, but I wonder how he looks at me when he sees me doing it continuously. I envision a picture of God's wrath burdening on his holy face. He is ashamed for me. It's like I'm running on a treadmill. Always working towards an intimate relationship with my Savior, but never actually putting a valiant effort into it. I'm afraid to step off the rotating black belt with nothing in my way, but never actually going anywhere. The thought of setting my foot on the rugged trail of venturing towards a real relationship with Christ, with all the struggles and challenges, scares me. I don't know how to encounter Christ daily and interact with him. For me, it only happens through congregational worship and prayer that is planned ahead of time. When I have to make my own time for God, I always find away around it. Because no one will know if I skip it. And I'm not saying that I don't want to spend time with God. I do, it's just I get distracted so easily and Satan's voice reels me away from it. Basically what I'm trying to say is that I don't know what it means to have a burning passion for Christ, and I want that. I want to know the Lord so closely, that I am always hungering towards him. I want to always be searching for a way to get to know him better. But how? That's the question. I suppose I could keep on allotting time for him every day, but that won't do anything unless I actually do it. I need a spark of motivation every day. I need a boost to push me into that time with God, even if I don't want to or make excuses. I need accountability. And maybe when I embark on this journey, God will begin to do things like never before. Maybe he'll begin teaching me things I was blind to before. Maybe he'll instill a burning desire for him. Whatever it is, I want it. Just to spend time with the Lord and dig into his Word. This is my heart's longing.

Prodigal Son

As I sat in the mess of blankets on my bed last night, I took out my journal and pencil and began scribbling a poem. It turned out to be something totally different than I had imagined when I began writing. The idea in my head originally was to map out a poem that followed the journey of a believer on their drifting away from Christ, and the road back to the cross. But instead, it follow the journey of a believer and the thoughts and feelings after they turn their back on God. I don't know if I wrote it "right", and it's only a rough draft, but I just wanted to share it with you. Feel free to comment and post suggestions.

I walk through this valley
Satan's voice tempting me at every corner.
I am derailed from life's path,
and the world caves in all around me.
The sex
the drugs
the drinking
are all my new refuges.


I have become one of "them".
The ones Christians point out on the street as wretched and lost,
the ones who party because they have nowhere else to hide their sin.


I am a hypocrite.
I have become a rotten soul
not worth dying for.
You cannot convince me of anything,
not a hope,
a faith,
or a love.
It doesn't matter what 1 Corinthians 13 says.
I am unworthy of Christ's love.


But what about Paul the Apostle, you say?
What about Rahab?
What about the prodigal son?
I have wandered afar.
So far,
that I have become spiritually broken.
My soul is not satisfied
with the things I consume it with.
I am desperate for more.

So why don't you show me that?
Why don't you spare me a quarter so I can buy something to eat?
Why don't you see the hurt in my eyes and pull me away from the guy with his arms all over me?
Why don't you look at my ugly, scarred, dirty face, but at the well-dressed businessman?

I am no one to you.
Yet your gospel preaches that you are to
"love your neighbor as yourself" and
"feed the broken".
I don't see that.
So how can I believe your message?


[10/29/2011]

Give Me Your Eyes

What does it mean to truly love the Lord and others? This is what's been resting on my heart all day. I'm in this season of life where I'm trying to discover and unveil the Lord. I'm trying to seek after His will and His heart, and let His desires resonate with mine. I want to be so hungry for Him. I want to yearn after Him every minute of the day, and have this unquenchable thirst for more of Him. More of His love, His grace, His peace, His kindness, His goodness... Everything that the Lord gives. For He is the provider of everything we could ever ask for. He's there for us in our time of need, when we're walking through the valley of death and we feel like we can't take one step further. He's there when we feel like we've given up and failed. He's there to reassure us through the storms of this life. He doesn't care if we're perfect or consistently doing things for His glory. Yes, He rejoices when we do, but all He wants first is for us to be. To live in the Lord and the promises He has given us. To dance with joy because of his provisions, and love on Him with all of our heart, soul, and mind. Teach me how to love You, Lord. Teach me to bow myself at Your feet, and humble myself completely and wholly to You. I am Yours, and You have made me a new creation. Show me what it means to love You with everything that I am. I want to consistently seek after You. For You have given me a life and delivered me from the chains of my past, and You have a plan and a purpose that You are building right now. Open my eyes to the unseen, Lord. Give me Your eyes.

To Love Another

Love God. Love people. I'm sure you've heard this phrase before. It's the famous tagline of Dr. Anderson, our president at NCU. It's kind of like the unofficial mission statement of North Central, I guess. It's what we as students strive to live for. We want to love God first and emanate that love to everyone around us. The phrase didn't really unfold itself to me until this morning in chapel, though. It was our first chapel service after Fall Break, which marked the middle of the semester. As we were worshipping, I felt a shift in my heart taking place. For the past two months or so, my focus has been on breaking the chains that bind me to my past. I encountered God multiple times with the issue, asking him to release me and give me freedom. I was tested and challenged several times when I went home, but now I feel that God has something new for me. Even though I didn't always succeed at overcoming my past mistakes when I was surrounded by them, God was always there to help me and support me. I feel like I have gained confidence and trust in the Lord over the past few months, and now it is time for something more. Something deeper and greater that will put me out on the battlefield again. Something resonating with my heart ever since the beginning of school has been the desire to love on people. I kind of shoved this aside as I tuned myself into letting go of the past. Of course I'm always trying to share God's love with others, whether it be through a simple flash of a smile or a handmade card in someone's mailbox. But I haven't seriously committed to serving and loving on people every minute of every day. There's times when my selfish desires or bad attitude will surpass my actions to love on others. Right now I put myself before others, and I want this to flip-flop. I want to humble myself down to a servent. I want to wait on other people's feet. I want to be like the woman who poured her expensive perfume on Jesus' feet and washed it off with her hair. I want to be selfless. I want to live off the minimum, and give all my other efforts for the joy and happiness of others. Because it's not about me. It's about God, others, and then me. I am an instrument of God's love that needs to be pouring itself into the lives of others 24/7.

Real

I've come to the conclusion that since Tumblr is officially blocked at my school, that I must resort all my thoughts, questions, and emotions to my Blogspot. There's no other outlet for it other than a journal, which would require bursts of muscle in my hand to prevent me from getting writer's cramp. So I'd rather type out my thoughts simply on a screen, where I can make as many edits as I want. But on to what's on my mind.
Today I realized that I live in a community of surface relationships. I don't go beyond the simple "Hi, how are you?" conversations with many of the people in my life. And if I do go beyond a mere greeting, there isn't much depth to a lot of the conversations I have with people. We talk about the easy stuff: classes, music, people, movies, etc. And sometimes the conversations I have with people are totally pointless in a matter -- the content is purely for humor and entertainment, revolving around nothing but jokes and snarky comments. I'm sick of the shallow level of communication in my life. I want to dive deeper, into the unknown and the risky places. I actually want to get to know people for who they really are. I'm tired of hearing "good" or "fine" when I ask how someone is doing. I want to uncover what's really going on behind the facade they put on. I want to experience risk and force myself to muster up trust with people. I don't want anything but blatent honesty. I want realness, even if it is the bad and the ugly. I don't care. I don't want to live in the safe and happy world anymore, I want to plunge myself into the world of chaos and uncertainty where Jesus is the only answer to overcome all the problems going on. All I want is for the masks on the relationships I have to shatter. I want the walls that are hindering me from growing closer to the people in my life to break. All I want is realness.