Exegetical Moments

I know I shouldn't be blogging... But I can't help but not to at this time of night/morning. It's 5:23 a.m.!! HOLY BANANAS. That's what I've been exclaiming silently for the past two hours. I can't believe I'm still as awake as I am. I've only drank three cups of coffee today, with the last being over four hours ago. My feet have that prickly feeling from falling asleep. I've been sitting at my desk for four hours now writing this stinkin' exegesis paper. Actually, "stinkin'" in the wrong word to describe it... I'm actually really enjoying writing this paper! It just takes a lot of work and effort. I had no motivation to start it the past few days, so it finally dawned on me this morning that I had to start it soon otherwise I would suffer severe consequences (this paper is worth 50% of my grade!). So, I did. I treated myself to an extra few hours of sleep this morning and woke up at 10:00 a.m. roughly to begin the paper. Once I got into it, I didn't want to stop. I honestly LOVE reading these commentaries on 1 Corinthians! I sound like such a Bible nerd, but it's so true. I just want to read, read, read, and not write! It's not like I despise writing, it's just reading about the Bible is too much of an exciting activity. Now I'm taking a break from the paper. I have a little over 400 words left, but even still, I have so much to add and subtract. Lots of revision and editing will be done by the time I must turn it in this afternoon. Three hours until I have breakfast with two of my friends -- we're studying for our Intro to Comm & Theory final! :-D Just gotta make it 'til then, and hopefully finish the rough copy of my paper so I can focus entirely on editing after I finish that final. It's going to be a rough day! But with God all things are possible, right? He provides the strength and the energy to get through the day, even if its through caffeinated sources such as coffee and Mt. Dew. ;-) Ahhhhhh! The Lord is so, so good. I cannot begin to fathom His magnificent love for us! In every circumstance, whether it be joyous, calm, sticky, or sad, He ALWAYS intervenes and makes a way! Although we may be blind to it initially, the Lord always leads us through the right doors when we are in-sync with His voice. Thank you Jesus for all you have given me. Love you. :-) Now back to my paper! Wish me luck as I continue learning about the church in Corinth -- quite the boisterous church, hmmmm? We can learn so much through Paul's epistles he wrote to the believers there. I challenge you to go, plop down on your comfy bed, dig out a warm blanket, warm some hot chocolate up, and read through 1 & 2 Corinthians! It'll blow your mind. Because God's REALLY good at doing that.

This Is My Prayer In The Battle

I don't know anymore. I'm in denial, and my emotions cringe inside my stomach. My skin shakes at the thought of what's going on. It's nothing bad, but it's not clear yet. It's totally a grey area for me, and I need the Lord to stay at the center of everything going on. I believe He has the best plan for my life, and I always needed to be tuned in to His voice so I can follow that path. Tonight I was faced with something that totally hit me off-guard. I saw it in the horizon, but I never thought it would happen. And it did. I need to stay focused and trust in the Lord. I can't let this be a distraction from everything God's doing in my life. Maybe this is part of it, I don't know. This is my prayer...

Lord, please give me the focus to keep my attention on you alone. Let my actions and words be a reflection of you in every aspect of my life. Let the things that are popping up on every corner not distract me from the plan you have for my life. Give me discernment to make the right decisions, even though they make be hard to face. I know that you carry me in Your arms and want the best for me. Everything you do is for my good, because you created me and love me with a love unlike any other. Thank you Jesus for everything you have poured into my life now. The friends, family, jobs, shelter, food... EVERYTHING. Let nothing be wasted or gone unnoticed in my life. I want to live my life as a living sacrifice for you, O Lord. So God, in this time of uncertainty and surprise, let my foundation in You not be shaken. I will hold on firmly to you, my Rock and my Savior. You are the Lord Almighty and Your promises and word keep amazing me. I will never be able to comprehend the intimacy of the love you showed for me through the death of Your Son on the cross. Thank you for forgiving me and loving me for who I am. For all my mistakes, failures, wrongdoings... You love me still. Thank you Jesus and let all the praise be given to You! <3

Unending Joy :)

It's 11:16 p.m. at night. My stomach growls with hunger (even though I just ate a Velveeta mac & cheese cup), and worship musics fills the background. It's a beautiful evening. My roommate Emily and I plopped ourselves on the dirty blue carpet, dug out our Crayola coloring crayons, and began coloring our coloring books. Mine is Disney princess and hers is some random cute animal book. It was legit girl time. We chit-chat about boys, and laughed left and right. It reminded me of high school. I realized that I never really do spontaneous activities with people -- I'm super structured and revolve my life around my phone's calendar. It's silly, really. Sometimes you just need to let loose of a schedule, and have fun! Jump off the cliff, make mistakes, laugh until your stomach hurts! I know this is super cliche, but it's so true. My mind is already set in winter break mode. My motivation for anything school-related has drained down the hole. I don't want to write this 10-page pager on 1 Corinthians 13. I don't want to study for Old Testament or Intro to Comm & Theory. I don't want to do anything that involves research. And now I sound so stupid. I'm not trying to complain, I just have to speak my feelings. This is my sponge that soaks in everything rotating around my mind. And speaking of everything rotating around my mind, so much has happened today. I don't want to go on a huge rant about everything, but basically I had two revelations today.

First, during chapel (which was super great, because two of my old youth leaders visited me!) God filled me totally and completely with His joy. A huge smile was slapped across my face as I raised my hands in awe of Him. He is so good! I can't get over the Lord's incredible, relentless, never-ending love for us. I can't even comprehend it. He has revealed His heart and His love to me in so many ways this year -- my heart sings thankfulness to the Lord! He has been my Friend when I've had none, He has been my Deliverer that saved me from my past, He has been my Hope when I've had none, He has been my Provider when I've had no idea how I was going to pay for something... The list goes on and on! God reveals himself in both the big and the small ways. The ways we pass by in the blink of an eye. You know that smile someone gave you in the hallway after you had a rough conversation on the phone with your mom today? THAT was God showing his love for you. You know the note you found in your mailbox by that girl on your floor today? THAT was God speaking to you through writing. It's so cool seeing His presence shine through every moment! My spirit longs to be in constant intimacy with Him. I want my eyes set on the Lord in everything I do. I want to be compelled by His love and the blood He shed on the cross in my everyday actions. Basically, it was a celebratory day! A day to celebrate and rejoice for all the goodness He's showed me this year so far. I'm so grateful for the place I am. There's no other place I'd rather be. God is shaping me and building me into the woman of God He wants me to be.

Okay, second revelation. I went out to coffee with one of my really good guy friends from college today. I met him last year in New Testament when I sat next to him on the first day of class, and ever since, we've become super tight. He's a super passionate, loving, and bold man of God. He encourages me so much and challenges me in my walk with the Lord. We're also both directors on SMB (Student Ministries Board) at my school. While we were chatting over coffee at Open Book Cafe today, we were able to share our testimonies and what God has been doing in each of our lives lately. I wasn't expecting to share as much as I did, but I learned to trust him with both the pretty and the ugly details of my story. I knew I couldn't sugarcoat anything. After I spilled out my story on the table, he did the same. And then he went on talking about his passion and his heart for God's call on his life. He did over 70% of the talking, but that was just fine in my book. I love listening to people and hearing their stories one-on-one. I like being their human journal; something that can take in everything on a person's mind and heart and let it soak in. Even though I don't have all the answers right away, I have a genuine interest and care for people's lives. I want to help them grow, and encourage and lift them up as best as I can. Today was one of those days where I just listened. I let my heart take in everything he had to say, and I was shaken. Not badly shaken, but shaken with joy. I realized... well, let me just say it. I realized that I do like him. Very much. He's fun, loving, full of the Lord, passionate, supporting, and full of wisdom. I know that he is willing to do whatever it takes to follow God's will for his life. It's so cool seeing that big of passion flow from his heart. He wants to change the world, and he will with the selfless and humble attitude he has. So, I dunno. I guess I like him. A lot. :-) He's super sweet and I want to get to know him more and be a bigger part of his life. I care so much for him and want to continue to be there for him along the way.

God Vision

I find myself awake again at the wee hours of the night. The quiet snoring of my roommate echoes in the background as my fingers type considerately and carefully, my brain being over-picky about the words I use. I was about to go to bed five minutes ago, and then I realized I hadn't e-mailed my fellow editor the actual article -- only the e-mail that explained about that article. So I jumped out of bed and did that. I was about to curl up in my blankets again when I thought, "Hey, I should write a blog. I'm still awake enough and I have something worth talking about that my readers would find thought-provoking I think." So here's what's on my mind.

Today was Day One of Emily's and my challenge. We're on a week-long challenge that focuses on becoming closer with God. This was today's challenge:

Monday: Make an effort to find God in everything that you do. How can you use your actions for His glory?

Goal: Become more aware of His presence in everyday life.

Trust me, this challenge was a real challenge. Every moment throughout the day, whether it was eating Reeses' Puffs with my legs Indian-crossed on my chair staring at my dirty laptop screen, listening to my professor ramble on and on about a mass communication theory I could care less about, or walking through the chilly dim-lit skyway from the CLC building to Carlson with my roommate, my mind always tuned back to the challenge of the day. How was I finding God in everything I did? Was saying "hello" and holding a simple conversation with every person I interacted with today a reflection of Jesus? Was sitting in the library for two hours researching my communication project giving God glory? Was recruiting potential future leaders for next year honorable in God's eyes? I don't know the answers to these questions. I don't know if I was portraying the right model of Christ. It's not like I was programmed to perform every action and speak every word for His glory; I'm a human and of course I'm going to make mistakes. I'm not a robot. There were several times where my mind wandered off into other topics besides finding God in everything I did. But was I aware of it more than usual? Yes. Did I make an effort to live for God in everything I did? Yes, when it was on my mind. I know I slipped, and there were times when I caught myself saying Why did I just do that? inside my head. Maybe I judged a person, or made a sarcastic remark with no meaningful intention whatsoever; or maybe I ignored someone in the halls who was having a bad day and needed a little encouragement. I don't know. Whether I was aware of it or not, I know I made mistakes. So I think what I learned from the challenge today is that we need to try to have a constant awareness of God's presence. We need to wear the eyes of the Lord, and look through His lenses. Even though we may take them off at times and not even realize it, we need to be reminded, moment by moment, who we are living for and what our purpose is for everything we do. Because it's only worth it if it glorifies the Father.

7 o'clock Drive

So I was driving back to school today after hitting the road around 7:20 p.m. My mom helped me load my car up, and I set off sporting my comfy black sweats, my navy peacoat, and my floral scarf. I was comfortable as can be, except for the fact that my car was a bit chilly and I had to crank up the heat. I backed out of the driveway onto the road and flipped on the radio. Nothing seemed appealing, so I shut off the radio to dead silence. Only the quiet humming of the engine roaring under my feet. All of a sudden, my mind and my heart became burdened with the huge decision I have to make this week. The one I've been avoiding all week. I haven't had the guts to sit down and decide, because I've been scared that I'll make the wrong decision. And so it haunted me once again. Live at home next semester and save money, or live at school and risk not having the money to pay the bill? There's so many factors involved with the decision. Where would I work? Would I have to drop any classes? What about my involvement with school? What will my family think? What about my roommates and the girls on my floor? My mind almost implodes at the heavy weight of questions placed on my mind. So after about a minute of silence, I just started talking to myself in the car. Well, not just myself, but God too. I addressed God with everything I said. I put in words all the emotions and thoughts dancing around my head. I basically spit everything out and said, "God, what do you want me to do? Tell me! I'm sick of not having answers. Can't you just shove a billboard before my face, or have a clear resounding voice on the radio tell me what to do?" Nothing. Nothing happened. I sat befuzzled, the questions still burdening me down on me. I was in a state of spiritual oppression. Then I decided to turn on the radio again. I felt a desire to listen to KTIS or Praise FM, the two Christian radio stations in the Twin Cities area. And so I started listening to worship music. At first I just started singing. I wanted to get my mind off of everything and praise Jesus amidst the confusion I was feeling. I've been walking for a valley for so long. I haven't been experiencing the joy I felt at the beginning of the school year, and I felt detached from God. I suppose a lot of it was due to coming home, because that definitely posed a challenge in my spiritual life. And all of a sudden while I was singing, I just thought to myself, Hey, I haven't been trusting God lately. I haven't been laying down everything at His feet and believing He'll take care of it. I've always had to figure things out on my own, because I've been fearful of anything else. I'm the type of person that ALWAYS needs to know everything going on -- that's why my planner and the calendar on my phone are my best friends. ;-) But, in that moment, I laughed at myself and realized that maybe I should just surrender everything to God and trust that He'll take care of me next semester. And so I came to the conclusion that I will be staying on-campus next semester!! :D It makes me so excited, and really, I was feeling a little uneasy about the whole living-at-home thing. But now I feel peace! I feel like God wants me to stay, even though I have no idea how my job situation's going to work out. Because there's a million different options there. I just need to tell myself not to stress out about all the knitty gritty details right now -- because God will take care of that later!! He's placed so many people in my life who have told me stories about how God has provided for them. And I think God put those people in my life for a reason -- so I can be encouraged and see that God really does provide, so that in this time of my life when I need to depend on God for that, I'll be able to. Ahhhhh. God is so good. So that was the rest of my car ride. Worship music blasting into ever corner of my car on the road back to Minneapolis, with the city lights all around me!

Lies

I stare at the blank screen before my eyes. Graphics, words, colors, and shapes all dancing across the page. I hate modern technology. I miss the beauty of a 5 x 7" journal; the crispness of the creamy yellow pages and the smudged pencil marks dabbed across the page. I very well could be writing in one of those right now. But no, instead I'm choosing to take the easy way out (for my hands at least). My dry hands type letter after letter as I sit cross-legged on my top bunk, wrapped in my fleece tie blanket I made in 8th grade. A cold shivers down my arms as I listen to the faint whisper of my neighbor's fan through the wooden panels of the wall, noticing that there's no music echoing through the buds of my headphones. Now for a new song... Ahhh, "Poison & Wine" by The Civil Wars. Such a beautifully crafted song. The simple strumming of the acoustic guitar and the melodious piano mixed with the tremendous duo of Joy Williams and John Paul White. It makes my heart tremble with awe. It heightens the already insightful, thinking mood I'm in. My head is wrapped around so much. School, God, friendships, romance... Oh the latter, haha. Romance. How long it's been since I've tasted that. What was it, a little less than two years and two months when my ex-boyfriend and I broke up? Goodness, how I hate that prefix "ex". There's so much distaste in it. It makes me think of a cold heart, and all the negatives endured in that relationship. I don't want to remember those. In fact, I don't want to remember much at all. I've been so haunted by my past relationship recently -- viewing his Facebook statuses and seeing that charming, chubby face with little patches of fuzz snapped across my home page. I miss that guy. But it's time to move on. No more talking about him. I'm over him. I really am. The first two months of school were a healing phase -- a time period where I was emotionally redeemed and freed. I felt like a little white dove being released from it's cage, what a beautiful picture. Now I'm trapped again in that cage. The ropes have been pulling, and I'm stuck in a feeling of confusion and uncertainty. I want to trust in the Lord and believe that he will carry me through, but the lies of the enemy keep popping in my head. You aren't pretty enough to have a guy like you. Even more so, you don't have the character and inner beauty a man of God would be looking for in his dream girl. You're afraid to pursue real relationships and dive into the messy core of the matter. You're a weakling, ready to fall and touch the ground and never get back up again. You're insane for handing all that's on your plate. You are too much of a burden for anyone to care about. No one will want to pay the extra effort into getting to know you by performing random acts of kindness, or by giving up something to be with you. No one wants to send you mail, a card, or even a text, because you aren't a good enough friend. You don't know how to carry on a conversation with another human being. You fail at communication and will never succeed as a journalist because of your awkwardness. Lies. The lies keep coming... They filter through my brain and I cannot stop them... I want to believe them, so, SO, terribly. I want to fall victim to the enemy and let myself be consumed by the world's views. "No," I have to tell myself. NO! I will not believe these lies. I will not be trapped by false figments of my mind. I will be strong and courageous and beautiful, and stand up against what is a lie. I will follow truth, and truth alone. Truth that is found in my Savior, Jesus Christ. He tells me that I am His Beloved and that I am so very precious to His Kingdom. I have a plan and a purpose in my life, and he's taking me further along that path every day. I don't need to worry or be discouraged, because He is by my side. I don't need to tremble with fear or fall back into the shadows, where I am slain to the lies. I am free. I am beautiful. And I am worthy of a man of God someday, someone who is so incredible and amazing and full of the Holy Spirit. Someone who will treasure me and take time out of their day for the little things; the small things that all add up to pure, relentless love in the end.

A Brother

I've always wished for an older brother. A brother who I could look up to for advice, but also have ridiculously fun adventures with. Someone who I could respect and be able to share all my thoughts, emotions, and questions with. Someone who I could rely on for protection and support. Whenever I see a young girl with her older brother, maybe pushing her on the swing or simply walking side-by-side in the park, a feeling of longing creeps into my heart. This is what I've yearned for ever since I've grown up. My brother would be my best friend, but also my protector and comforter. The guy in school who would support me when all the other guys would be messing with me emotionally and mentally. The guy who would have a talk with my boyfriend if he ever hurt me or treated me wrong. And also the guy who would do exciting, even risk-taking activities with me: cliff jumping of the ridges of Lake Superior, 4-wheeling in the middle of winter through two feet of snow, kayaking through the trembling rapids of the Kettle River... A brother would fulfill so much in my life, and its what I'm missing.

Leading up to my freshman year at North Central, I never experienced even a glimpse of what it meant to have a brother. A real man of God who would challenge me, support me, and protect me. The only kinds of male roles I had in my life were my father, my grandpa, a boyfriend, and a friend.

My father has never been the kind of father I had hoped and dreamed for as a little girl. I imagined myself as a princess in a pink gown full of sequins, dancing with my father's massive hands in my tiny little hands. Instead, this dream was shattered by the divorce of my parents during the summer of 5th grade. My father moved out of the house, and went on to live with my grandma before he married again. Ever since that tragic event, I've held onto a bitterness for my father. Only up until recently have I been able to forgive him and get to know him better. I love my dad, even though it's hard to forget what he did several years ago. I'm trying to put more effort and time into getting to know him better, whether it be by visiting his house for a home-cooked Mexican meal from my stepmom or by venturing it through the wilderness in the Boundary Waters on a 12-mile canoe trip. Every experience we've had together has shaped me to be a more bold and confident woman.

My grandpa has always been in my life, and I remember when I was a wee little girl when I would read newspaper headlines to him while he videotaped. He made at least a dozen home videos of my sister and I growing up when we would spend our days before elementary school being babysit by them. After our family moved to where I currently live in 3rd grade, I didn't see my grandpa as much. I would see him and my grandma for holidays and special occasions, but hardly ever outside of that.

When I was in 11th grade, I began my first serious relationship with a guy at school. His name was Matt, and he was a real charmer. He was funny, sweet, caring, and obsessed with sports and video games. He would become the guy I became closest with during the year-and-a-half of our relationship. We would go on dates to the movie theater, the zoo, or other generic "date" places and also spend time at each other's houses. We were the couple in school that always had to be with one another -- the couple holding hands through the halls and giving each other a peck on the lips between classes. I would go to his football games, and he would come to my orchestra concerts. We were head over heels "in love", as a high school romantic would say (if you can even call that romance).

The last kind of male role in my life has been that of a friend. I specifically want to talk about my friend Neil here. I met Neil in 6th grade at an Academic Triathlon meet (yes, I'm a nerd). We became friends in the same circle of friends I carried throughout middle school and high school. We would be classified as the music nerds, if you wanted to slap a stereotype on us. Neil was someone would I could trust and talk to, but I never shared anything too personal with him. He was nice and compassionate, and I enjoyed his company. His family also adored me, so we were almost brothers in that matter.
None of the men in my life have ever fulfilled the true role of a brother, however. Neil came close, and Matt extended far beyond what I want in a brother. All I've ever wanted is a guy who I can tell almost anything to, and who I won't have feelings for (and he won't have any back). I think it's nearly impossible to find a guy who can fit this role. At school right now, there are many amazing guys who I look up to and respect as men of God. But I have a hard time peeling off the layers of the onion and getting to know them. There's this level of awkwardness and trust that needs to be broken in my of my guy relationships. I'll meet a guy, but maybe only say "hello" to and "how are you?" in the halls. And that'll be the limit of our friendship, or more like acquaintance. This year I'm really trying to make an effort to get to know my guy friends as real brothers. Not all of them, but a few. A couple hand-picked men of God who would have an impact in my life. I'm not going to say names, but I just want to thank these guys for making an effort to pour more into our friendship. More than the simple conversations, more than Facebook or text communication. Guys who actually want to sacrifice their time getting to know me better. These are guys I treasure in my heart. And I don't want to make it more than that. I don't want to look at a brother and think, "Oooh, he'd be a fun guy to date. I think I like him." NO! That's the complete opposite. Which is something I've always struggled with. All that said, this year I really am going to make an effort to be vulnerable with a few guys who I think could make phenomenal brothers. I'm going to share my story with them, share what's going on in my life, and ask about how they're doing so I can encourage them and support them. A brother in Christ is all that my heart truly desires now, besides my never-ending desire to love my heavenly Father.