A Brother

I've always wished for an older brother. A brother who I could look up to for advice, but also have ridiculously fun adventures with. Someone who I could respect and be able to share all my thoughts, emotions, and questions with. Someone who I could rely on for protection and support. Whenever I see a young girl with her older brother, maybe pushing her on the swing or simply walking side-by-side in the park, a feeling of longing creeps into my heart. This is what I've yearned for ever since I've grown up. My brother would be my best friend, but also my protector and comforter. The guy in school who would support me when all the other guys would be messing with me emotionally and mentally. The guy who would have a talk with my boyfriend if he ever hurt me or treated me wrong. And also the guy who would do exciting, even risk-taking activities with me: cliff jumping of the ridges of Lake Superior, 4-wheeling in the middle of winter through two feet of snow, kayaking through the trembling rapids of the Kettle River... A brother would fulfill so much in my life, and its what I'm missing.

Leading up to my freshman year at North Central, I never experienced even a glimpse of what it meant to have a brother. A real man of God who would challenge me, support me, and protect me. The only kinds of male roles I had in my life were my father, my grandpa, a boyfriend, and a friend.

My father has never been the kind of father I had hoped and dreamed for as a little girl. I imagined myself as a princess in a pink gown full of sequins, dancing with my father's massive hands in my tiny little hands. Instead, this dream was shattered by the divorce of my parents during the summer of 5th grade. My father moved out of the house, and went on to live with my grandma before he married again. Ever since that tragic event, I've held onto a bitterness for my father. Only up until recently have I been able to forgive him and get to know him better. I love my dad, even though it's hard to forget what he did several years ago. I'm trying to put more effort and time into getting to know him better, whether it be by visiting his house for a home-cooked Mexican meal from my stepmom or by venturing it through the wilderness in the Boundary Waters on a 12-mile canoe trip. Every experience we've had together has shaped me to be a more bold and confident woman.

My grandpa has always been in my life, and I remember when I was a wee little girl when I would read newspaper headlines to him while he videotaped. He made at least a dozen home videos of my sister and I growing up when we would spend our days before elementary school being babysit by them. After our family moved to where I currently live in 3rd grade, I didn't see my grandpa as much. I would see him and my grandma for holidays and special occasions, but hardly ever outside of that.

When I was in 11th grade, I began my first serious relationship with a guy at school. His name was Matt, and he was a real charmer. He was funny, sweet, caring, and obsessed with sports and video games. He would become the guy I became closest with during the year-and-a-half of our relationship. We would go on dates to the movie theater, the zoo, or other generic "date" places and also spend time at each other's houses. We were the couple in school that always had to be with one another -- the couple holding hands through the halls and giving each other a peck on the lips between classes. I would go to his football games, and he would come to my orchestra concerts. We were head over heels "in love", as a high school romantic would say (if you can even call that romance).

The last kind of male role in my life has been that of a friend. I specifically want to talk about my friend Neil here. I met Neil in 6th grade at an Academic Triathlon meet (yes, I'm a nerd). We became friends in the same circle of friends I carried throughout middle school and high school. We would be classified as the music nerds, if you wanted to slap a stereotype on us. Neil was someone would I could trust and talk to, but I never shared anything too personal with him. He was nice and compassionate, and I enjoyed his company. His family also adored me, so we were almost brothers in that matter.
None of the men in my life have ever fulfilled the true role of a brother, however. Neil came close, and Matt extended far beyond what I want in a brother. All I've ever wanted is a guy who I can tell almost anything to, and who I won't have feelings for (and he won't have any back). I think it's nearly impossible to find a guy who can fit this role. At school right now, there are many amazing guys who I look up to and respect as men of God. But I have a hard time peeling off the layers of the onion and getting to know them. There's this level of awkwardness and trust that needs to be broken in my of my guy relationships. I'll meet a guy, but maybe only say "hello" to and "how are you?" in the halls. And that'll be the limit of our friendship, or more like acquaintance. This year I'm really trying to make an effort to get to know my guy friends as real brothers. Not all of them, but a few. A couple hand-picked men of God who would have an impact in my life. I'm not going to say names, but I just want to thank these guys for making an effort to pour more into our friendship. More than the simple conversations, more than Facebook or text communication. Guys who actually want to sacrifice their time getting to know me better. These are guys I treasure in my heart. And I don't want to make it more than that. I don't want to look at a brother and think, "Oooh, he'd be a fun guy to date. I think I like him." NO! That's the complete opposite. Which is something I've always struggled with. All that said, this year I really am going to make an effort to be vulnerable with a few guys who I think could make phenomenal brothers. I'm going to share my story with them, share what's going on in my life, and ask about how they're doing so I can encourage them and support them. A brother in Christ is all that my heart truly desires now, besides my never-ending desire to love my heavenly Father.