Monday, January 30, 2012

The Devil's Puppet

10 o'clock on a Wednesday night. The spacious room is dimly lit with college-aged students scattered throughout the aisles on both the ground level and balcony. The stage floor illuminates the spotlights off the glossy wood floor, reflecting a magnificent grand piano in its shadows. About nine minutes past the hour, a girl walks up on stage with a microphone in hand. She opens her heart and shares what God has placed on it, and gives the next two hours over to a girl on piano. The soft, melodic notes resonate off the large paneled walls and drift throughout the sanctuary to the darkness looming in the back. Voices cry out to the Lord; hands protrude into the air; songs of praise among soprano, alto, tenor, and bass blend together; whispers bounce back between brothers and sisters of Christ. It is the most intimate experience between a believer and the Lord.
I scrunch myself up between two rows of chairs, my back resting against the rough cloth and my barefoot feet clinging to the carpet. I hug my legs and bury my face into my arms.
I begin to talk to the Lord. I talk to Him like a normal human being, nothing fancy. Hey God, I'm here. I've had a rough week, but I'm ready to be refreshed and start anew. What do you want to say? My ears are open.
I listen. Still, the same voices and music consume my hearing. I dodge off the distractions that knock on my mind. I want to stay focused on the Lord.
Then the image pops into my head. Jesus praying at the garden of Gethsemane before his arrest.
I dig out my Bible and flip the pages to Matthew, where I thumb through each headline (I haven't memorized the New Testament). After a minute or two, my eyes rest upon the passage in Matthew 26. The scene of Jesus' arrest.
I mouth the words, one by one, delicately pronouncing each word so I can paint a picture of the scene in my head.
---
Jesus takes the disciples to Gethsemane, and then leaves them to go pray in solitude. He becomes overwhelmed with sorrow, and asks Peter and the two sons of Zebedee to keep watch on him.
Once he is parted from the disciples, he falls on his face and prays:
"My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me. Yet not as I will, but as you will." -Matthew 26:39
Whoa. Hold up. Let's read that again. "Yet not as I will, but as YOU will." Key word there? YOU. As in   "the Father" in this context.
Going back to the first sentence, Jesus is crying out to God asking Him to take the burden of sin off him. That's what the cup is. He is pleading for God to intervene in the moment so he won't have to suffer on Calvary.
But then he totally flips parallels in the second sentence. He surrenders himself and his plans, and gives ultimate control to God. He gives up his desires and feelings; they don't matter anymore. All that matters is the will of the Lord.
Jesus returns to the disciples and finds them sleeping. Then he goes back a second and third time and prays the same prayer. He is steadfast.
Then a large crowd of elders and priests, led by Judas, comes and arrests Jesus. His response? "Do what you came for, friend." -Matthew 2:50
Jesus is taken away. When he arrives before the Sanhedrin, he is questioned, threatened, beaten, and mocked. This continues until he is ultimately crucified on the cross. His suffering ends with nails impounded in his hands and feet, and a crown of thorns nestled on his head.
The end.
---
I return to the moment. Eyes washed with drops of tears and hands shaken, I close my Bible and clasp my hands together. I begin to think.
What a powerful story. Jesus emptied himself of ALL selfish desires and feelings.
Point to consider: Jesus REALLY didn't want to suffer. He begged his Father in heaven to spare him! He trembled and fell to the ground with sorrow. He was overwhelmed with sorrow; He did not want to die for humanity's sin.
But he did. He faced fear in the face. He surrendered himself to the plan God had already written. He let loose of all strings tying him to rebellion.
Jesus' reaction in the moments before he was arrested displays the best representation of sacrifice. Why?
1. He was carrying the sin of the ENTIRE world -- that's every human's sin that was, is, and was yet to come at the time. He held onto the weighty cup God placed on his shoulders and endured endless amounts of pain for the salvation of humankind.
2. It was Jesus. Jesus was created holy and perfect in the image of God -- conceived by the virgin Mary through the Holy Spirit. He was fully man and fully God at the same time. Although he was flawless and never sinned, he was "overwhelmed with sadness" at the fact of giving his life for the salvation of humankind. Even Jesus was troubled.
When I reflect upon Jesus' sacrifice, my worries and struggles become so much less significant. The things I'm dealing with are worth nothing compared to what Jesus went through. Yet, I still hold on to my worries and allow the enemy to keep speaking lies into my head. I remain a puppet of Satan, when Jesus was able to sacrifice his entire body and spirit for the ugliness of the world.
Why do I do this? Why can't I trust the Lord and give Him COMPLETE control of my life?
Fear and selfishness. Those are the two biggies. I'm afraid that if I follow God's plan for my life I won't get what I want, I won't make enough money, and I'll ultimately fail. I'm scared of altering my dream for God's Kingdom. This all ties back to this fact: As humans, we are so consumed with being the BEST. We want to get our hands on the fanciest set of wheels; we want to achieve the highest position at a well-paying job; we want to buy a huge house and everything that comes with it. Et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. The list goes on and on. Our wants our infinite, and they can never be satisfied.
So, how can we pull away from this human phenomena of "me me me" syndrome and put our life plan in God's hands?
Let me go back to the Bible. Matthew 26:41: "Watch and pray so that you will not fall into temptation. The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak." Jesus speaks this to the disciples when he finds them sleeping after his return.
I think this command can also apply to our lives. We need to be on constant alert for opportunities to be Jesus to people. We need to walk with the Spirit guiding our every motive and desire. We need to govern our thoughts with discernment and the authority of the Lord. Even though we are weak and fallen beings, we can OVERCOME our selfishness and fears with the Lord by our side. When we commit the little things, such as praying for 10 minutes a day; opening and closing your day with a Bible verse; and other such things to the Lord, He will totally speak through that. We should also think long-term and big picture, too. We should ask the Lord for eyes of love and compassion, so we see the goodness in others and can uplift them. We should speaks words of kindness and be humble in our actions. And lastly, glorify and praise the Lord with a grateful heart for everything He's already done, doing, and will be doing in the future!
That's how you start cutting the ropes off the devil's hold on you. You are no longer his puppet; instead, you become God's servant with His power overflowing through you.

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Thirsty for Words

Holy bananas. The LORD is so good!
I know this is a silly way to start a blog, but I don't care. It's the hardcore truth. The Lord has been rocking my world lately.
Today as I was driving to work, I faded out the music and set my thoughts on the Lord. I started talking to Him like a normal human being. Hey Jesus, thanks for everything You are in my life. Thank you for delivering me, healing me, and loving me! My words are not adequate enough to express my gratitude for you. I rejoice in the wonders of Your Majesty!
Then the silence dawned on me for a moment or two. My speedometer read 70 MPH in the middle lane, and I shuffled over to the far left lane to get a little extra boost on the highway.
All of a sudden I was reminded of something my DLs had brought up in Lifecore a few weeks ago: Questions. The Lord loves it when we are curious and pursue after Him with a flock of questions. He likes when we turn to Him when we don't have the answers! And He doesn't ever judge us. You know the old saying your teachers bothered you with in elementary school? "There is no such thing as a stupid question!" Well that's exactly what God thinks. He loves being the source to our unknowns. It's not like He's going to reveal everything instantly in a flash of a second; God enjoys working in His timing. It all works out for our good in the end, anyway. :-)
So, questions, ehh? Oh boy. There are too many squeezed into my small spaghetti compartment of a brain. I am no smarter than the average human being. Yet, at the moment, my mind froze. I didn't know what to ask the Lord.
Sometimes in the moments when we're given the opportunity to confront our questions head-on we can't even muster up a word. That's how I felt. Brain dead in the seat of my car on I-94 between Maple Grove and Rogers.
Then I just sort of started rattling off stuff. Stuff that's been picking at my brain and causing me to catch a serious case of "wonderlust". God, how did you live a perfect and sinless life on Earth through your son Jesus Christ? What does it even mean to be Christ-like? Can I reflect your holiness in my human actions?
BAM. It hit me. Time to dig out God's Word. Time to ensue on a 30-day adventure in the New Testament reading about the life of Jesus. If I want to live more Christ-like, then I need to read about Him in order to get a tight grasp on His character. I need to page through the stories of Jesus healing the sick, speaking parables to the disciples, praying in the garden of Gethsemane... and on and on and on. I need to let my eyes and mind drink the words that detail His life here on Earth.
I realize that no matter how much I let a smile glisten on my face; no matter how much I bake goodies and make homemade gifts for people; no matter how much I invest in people's lives... I will always fall short of the glory of God. I will always fail somewhere along the lines. That one homeless man on the corner of the street holding up a cardboard sign with the words "Need Money For Food" scrawled across it -- I'll walk past him when I'm having a stressful and difficult day. I won't even look at him. Or maybe that friend I'll make a snarky remark to on a cumbersome day when my thoughts are scatterbrained.
I'm continuously making mistakes and failing in God's book. But I'm not dwelling on that. The Lord is a God of infinite forgiveness and compassion! He literally pours down showers of grace and mercy upon us. As Isaiah 1:18 says: "Though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow!" Now that's what you call some high quality stain remover. God's grace is ENOUGH. Jesus proclaimed, "It is finished!" on the cross and declared victory over every sin that ever was, is, and is to come.
And so I marvel at His wonders. I yearn after Him with a seeking and devoted heart, ready to challenge myself to be more like Him. I want to walk like Christ did 2,000 years ago.

Monday, January 23, 2012

Beauty of You

When I look upon the beauty of You
My heart is overwhelmed with the wonders of Your love
My spirit delights in You,
for You are my Hope and my Joy.


You bring peace in the battle
and heal me from my iniquities.
I am in awe of Your majesty.


Such a perfect image
A divine Jesus with no faults,
You are the definition of holy.
Your righteousness is a light to my dark path,
I find safety in the shadow of your wings.


You are beautiful, Lord
The holes in your hands where you were pierced on the day of your crucifixion,
Your mouth that proclaims words of hope to all men on the earth,
Your eyes that see the broken and lost in the world,
And your hands that give graciously to the needy and help the impoverished.


Although pictures depict You as a Jewish man
Dirt stains on Your face,
A nestle of thorns binding Your thick brown hair
And teardrops filling Your eyes,
It is only a mere representation of Your time on Earth.


You are the purest and most Holy One,
You wash away all my sins
and hold me close.
I cannot wait to kneel at Your throne when the day comes!


How amazing are you, Lord
Let showers of grace rain down
every time I gaze upon your beauty.
Give me a new glimpse of Your kingdom,
and let me rest in the freedom of your love. Amen.


[1/23/2011]

What Happens When I Don't Blog

I can't jar it up any longer. I must blog.
This past week has been full of thoughts, memories, smiles, and tears.
Last Sunday I got together with my prayer team family and spent two hours chatting over pizza and breadsticks. We swapped life updates and dug into Chapter 4 of the book we've been reading (Intercessory Prayer by Dutch Sheets - such an AWESOME book, by the way!). This book has been an incredible tool in shaping my prayer life. When I started my journey by submitting my application for the prayer team, I had no idea how oblivious I was to prayer at the moment. I've been given an entirely new perspective on prayer through the application of this book and I'm learning that prayer really does change the world. It is the instigator that sparks a revolution for God's hand to move - whether it be through healing, provision, deliverance, etc. Prayer is the foundation we need in order for the victory to be released that Jesus accomplished on Calvary over 2,000 years ago. It makes us distributors of God's products! Isn't that a cool thought? I could marvel on and on about prayer, but I'll keep in simple for now. I'm sure later I'll go into more depth about my discoveries and inquiries with prayer.
Last Monday I went to MOA (Mall of America) with one of my best guy friends, Michael. It was total spontaneous fun as we darted between stores - we went from The Afternoon to H&M to Marbles, and to our new favorite: the new candy store that contained Mike & Ikes, Hot Tamales, and Peeps! One thing I noticed? Whenever you go out to eat with a friend of the opposite gender, the cashier always asks if you want your orders together or separate. Always. It's kind of a silly concept in my mind, and it makes the moment sort of awkward. Because they're basically implying that the two of you are dating. Hahaha... NO. You quietly back away and let your friend pitch it. Thanks modern-day society for ruining our perspective on guy-girl friendships (if they can actually exist anymore, ha).
On Tuesday night my prayer team leader, Melissa, and I had some one-on-one time. We sipped Teavana tea on the carpet of a small, boxed-in room on the 4th floor of one of the dorms. Although we only had an hour to talk, we were still able to share our passion for prayer and what got us to where we were today. Her testimony inspired me so much. Lord, break my heart for the people we pray for. I want to be so overwhelmed by the hurt and the broken that I MUST pray for them. I want to be in constant connection with the Lord.
Wednesday was pure awesomeness. PG, in particular. PG (Praise Gathering) is a two-hour night of worship and prayer on my campus. It's a come-as-you-are service, and very loosely organized. This night in particular the worship set was simply led by a girl on piano. It was beautiful and serene in the peaceful moments. I journaled my thoughts on paper, as I tend to do when I talk with the Lord. The Lord uses my writing as a medium to communicate His thoughts to me. It's pretty neat. As I was writing, an image popped into my head. I transferred the image into a scene in Scripture, and then connected that to my life currently. It BLEW ME AWAY. I was able to pray with a sister in Christ and reflect on my own life afterwards. Such a touching night - and I will go into this night in more detail in a later blog. :)
Then Thursday rolled along. Thursday night was the best night I've had in a long time. Eight others and I went to Pizza Luce in downtown Minneapolis for some pizza and bonding time, specifically to exchange thoughts about our involvement with Encounter. If you don't know what Encounter is, ohhhh boy (just like my friend Austin says :-P). Encounter is a street evangelism ministry where we talk to people on the streets and communicate God's love to them in the bar & club area of downtown Minneapolis every Friday night. God does some super awesome stuff! If you're a North Central student, I challenge you to come out sometime. You will see God move. I don't doubt that.
The end of the week hit: Friday. But before the night even came close, the Lord spoke to me so clearly and almost humorously. Our university president spoke on a topic that's been flustering my mind for the past few weeks or so: This concept of a divine romance. What does that mean? BAM. He spoke about it. My brain was stretched to comprehend the image of the crucifixion as that place being the first place where the human and the divine clashed and become one. Jesus, wholly human and wholly God. What a mind-blowing concept! Oh, and there's more. I kept thinking about the names of God - you know, Provider, Deliverer, Prince of Peace, etc - and then determined that since the Lord lives inside of us, he bears the fruit of the spirit which are essentially synonyms of these names! I hope you could follow that; I know it's a bit complex to grasp, but I will expand on this in a future blog! I just have too many future blog ideas stored in my mind right now. :-)
After chapel on Friday, the weekend hit. It consisted of work and more work. Then church and a drop of homework.
Last night was topped off by a women's worship and prayer night at River Valley Church. I brought my Steps To Beauty ladies and we enjoyed a night of fellowship at Five Guys over burgers and fries beforehand, and then we drove through the sleet to the church. The message the speaker gave was about fear. Although we've all heard about fear several times, it was a fresh reminder and an encouragement I needed.
The week was altogether impacting and exciting! I am so blessed to be in such an awesome place in my life. I have been given amazing friends, a loving family, a fun yet challenging job, and so much more. My heart rejoices with THANKFULNESS! And that's a whole new concept to discuss. Later. Oh jeez, do I wish I could just go on a blogging rampage right now or what! My mind is exploding with ideas. I must learn to be patient with my multitude of thoughts. As for now, however, I shall wish you ado and talk with you later. Farewell my readers. :)

Saturday, January 14, 2012

Thistles & Weeds

I'm curled up in a blanket on the empty bed in our room. It's kind of nice having extra space and a place to relax that's not my top bunk or my desk chair. Kinda like a temporary couch.
It's been a good past few days. The Lord has done some pretty cool stuff. And I've spent time with some wonderful people in my life. :)
During chapel yesterday, one of the favorite faculty members among the students spoke. His message was empowering, as always, and my journal became filled up with Bible verses and inspirational quotes. But I wasn't expecting to stay an entire hour after the service ended.
Usually, I stick around for maybe 20 or 30 minutes. Fridays are the famous "prayer and fasting days" at my school. I have an unwritten tradition: I sit cross-legged tightly between two rows of chairs and dig out my journal and Bible. I fill the pages with thought, whether it be words or pictures or anything my pencil is able to transmit onto paper from my mind. I am a sucker for writing.
As the minutes passed by, I found myself stuck on a question. What do I need to sacrifice in order to reach the full potential the Lord has for my life?
The speaker had mentioned this term "PURSUIT OF CHRIST". It ties back to Paul's message in Philippians 4:8: "I press on towards the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus" (NIV). But that is the only the second half of this overwhelming term.
The first half? Forgetting what lies behind. A.K.A., getting rid of the junk and making more room for the Lord! This is essential in our pursuit for a deeper relationship with the Lord. If we truly desire to follow the Lord more passionately and surrender everything for His calling on our life, then we will be steadfast in repentance.
And take note, forgetting won't happen instantly. It's a process (thus, why the suffix "-ing" is important). We'll look back, reflect, forgive, and forgive, and then maybe the next day we'll pretend like it never happened. Our human nature is to dwell on the past and how it once was.
It doesn't have to be this way. You can be earnestly seeking after the Lord and resting your failures at His feet. He'll always pour out an abundance of grace on you and pull you back to Him. He'll always accept you, even if you continue to make mistakes.
So press on. Press on towards the call that the Lord has given you!
My dream (or call) is to go overseas and fight world hunger alongside a nonprofit ministry such as Feed My Starving Children. I don't intend on stopping anywhere short of this vision. I will keep pushing, no matter what I have to do, to get there. I will listen to the Lord's voice and let Him guide my steps.
But I must get past this first step: releasing myself from the things binding me to the world. Although the Lord took me through a season of restoration this past semester, there are still things blocking me from reaching the Lord's plan for me. Barricades are stamped on my path, and I need the Lord's help to push them aside.
Two of the biggest obstacles now? I'm going to be vulnerable with you and tell you.
1. Nurturing a hate for others. I suffer from a serious case of judging others based on their outer appearance and attitudes. I also blame other people if they aren't friendly to me in public.
2. Finding my identity in guys and not the Lord. I yearn for their attention in order to keep up my happiness. I find satisfaction in talking and spending time with guys more than girls.
This is my current junk. The nasty stuff clogging my path from a deep and intimate relationship with the Lord. It has to go. I need to toss it in the trash and say "goodbye" to it. It's time to love others with a real, Christ-like love and find my identity in the Lord. I am a beloved bride of Christ and He has created me wonderfully and beautifully!
I looked up at the clock at 1:00 p.m. with my mind flustered in thought. Whoa God, you've been tugging at stuff in me. I unveiled truths that need to be re-instilled into me. Daily. I need to foster a healthy environment in order to strengthen my relationship with the Lord. If I continue to walk through a path of thistles and weeds, then I won't be able to fulfill my calling for the Lord. So I will learn how to surrender; I will learn how to give; I will learn how to seek after the Lord passionately. And I will never stop, even if my path does become totally clear.

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Finding Balance In The Lord

I haven't written in three days. That unrealistic goal of writing a blog a day isn't going to carry through. I simply don't have enough time in one 24-hour period to set aside for blogging every day. I have other responsibilities which are more important. It's going to be my challenge to learn how to balance everything this semester. Here's what's on my plate:
- 12 credits (four classes total)
- 7 hours/week in the cafeteria
- 12-16 hours/week at Gap Outlet
- Co-directing Steps to Beauty
- News Editing "The Northerner"
- Ninedays Prayer Team
Those are the six major items which make up my life, not including my social life and other entertainment. Holy moly, you must be thinking. Or something along those lines (I'm known for my silly "Holy <fillintheblank>" expressions, ha). Yes, I'm busy as a bee! And possibly even more so.
The main goal this semester? To manage everything in an orderly and timely way while still finding room for rest. Oh, and Jesus. Definitely Jesus. He is going to be my core. Because He is my Savior and always works things together for my good.
I find it so easily that people are terrible at time management skills. It's a struggle that never seems to be overcome by anyone. We always are haunted by the future; whether it be the question: What time will I leave for work in the morning so I can grab Caribou Coffee along the way? OR Where will I be ten years from now if I switch my major to Business and start my college career all over again? The long-term or short-term factor has no effect on the weight of our worries. We are consumed by questions dealing with organizing our lives out as if we must connect every piece of the puzzle together perfectly. Which is impossible when there are infinite amount of puzzles pieces in every shape, color, and size.
It doesn't get much better if you're a Christian. In fact, I think it almost seems worse. Not only do we have to worry about our career, relationships, social status, finances, etc., but the entire image of God is now in the picture. What does God want us to do with our lives? we ask ourselves.
The devil loves messing with our heads and tangling our thoughts together. He entertains himself by tempting us and distracting us from the clear path the Lord has for us. He forces thoughts into our heads that make us question God's call on our life. We aren't sure whether or not that word we received at Bible Camp in 5th grade to be a pastor was actually God's voice or not; we aren't sure whether the spiritual gift of evangelism God has given us should be turned into a job of church planting for a lifetime. We become strained in a spiritual battle of if's and then's.
We can't live like this anymore. We can't go through the motions of our everyday lives unsure about every little thing. It's time for us to put our trust in the Lord and give our hears and hearts to Him!He speaks to us, you know. All the time. When you're driving on the crammed highway to work at 6:00 a.m.; when you're picking up that salad from Panera Bread for lunch; when you're ironing your kids' clothes in the laundry room. Wherever you are, God could be speaking to you.
He promised us in Deuteronomy 31:6 that "he will never leave you nor forsake you (NIV)". That's some powerful stuff. He is by our side -- just like the imaginary friend named Steve you envisioned as a child -- with us whenever other people leave us. I'm reminded of a famous saying by one of the professors at my college. "People will fail you, but God is faithful!" Indeed. The Lord sticks with our icky, sinful soul when others run in the opposite direction. You must believe that and put your trust in Him!
When you are feeling overwhelmed and downtrodden, "Give all your worries and cares to God, for He cares about you (1 Peter 5:7 - NLT)". Even in the most darkest and troublesome of times, you can turn your eyes to Jesus and He will give you hope in the moment. Although He may not provide the answers right away, He will always, always be a source of sustainability and peace.
So time management, ehh? Sounds kind of complex. I know I didn't dissect it that much, but what I did do is explain a little insight on my experience with times of stress. Although I am in no way a master of schedules (although my handy dandy pink planner is attached to me like a piece of clothing) and I procrastinate daily, I can rely on the Lord to carry me along my path of life safely and soundly! He will take care of me, even if I slip and fall. He always picks me back up again and leads me right back on track where I need to be. What a good God.
Oh, and a little closing verse that I think sums up the whole "balance" theme well: Ecclesiastes 3:1-8. The opening passage goes like this: "There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens..."
GO IN PEACE! God bless. :-)

Sunday, January 8, 2012

When The Lies Creep In

Sometimes I feel broken. I feel unloved and alone, and go into a frenzy of sadness.
That was tonight.
I don't know what it was -- the busyness of the day, the stress weighing down on me, or the crowds of people towering around me on every side. It's frightening. I'm an introvert, so I find my energy and happiness in my alone time. I cannot stand being around large groups of people for too long.
Unfortunately, that's what I had to deal with tonight. After clearing a plate of mouth-watering Chinese food with my amazing Student Ministry Board (SMB) family, I bounced upstairs and met my friend Michael in the lobby. We weren't sure about what we were going to do, but we decided to go to the Variety Show with a nod and a smile. Neither of us were that excited about it, but we went. It was full of laughs, smiles, and warm feelings.
But let me share a little secret with you. Every time during a sit-down event, whether it be a movie, concert, show, or service, I am always self-conscious about myself and worry about what the person next to me thinks. In this case, Michael. I fretted about if I was too quiet, laughing too obnoxiously, or just plain boring. I didn't know! I also felt this need to chit-chat about the jokes and stories being made onstage. I worried that if I was silent and didn't make side comments now and then about the acts, then he would ultimately think I'm not fun or exciting to hang out with anymore, thus causing our relationship to plunge downwards. Which I would hate.
At the end of the Variety Show, I left the show awkwardly with these inner thoughts rotating around my head. Michael stumbled in front of me and stopped, sporting that big bright smile on his face, turned around, and looked at me. I shyly mustered up the words. "Ummmm, so, what are you doing the rest of the night?" I had no idea if he wanted to hang out more. Because honestly, I felt I received a big fat F in the book of "having a good night together". Just because I'm not the whimsical jokster that whisks up creative remarks between everything that goes on onstage. He said he was tired and was going to work out, and then head to sleep. Then he gave me one of his big wonderful bear hugs (which are the best hugs in the world, by the way) and walked away. Okay, Michael's gone. Now what?Bam. Fluster of sad emotions. I stood uncomfortably in the atrium, waiting nervously and hoping that someone I knew would come out of the sanctuary. Nothing. I said "hello" to my friend Brianna and told her she put on a good ole' Minnesota accent during the video she was apart of, but other than that, my quest for a friend was hopeless. Back to the room (after finding a group of girls from my floor, might I add in).
I scurried back to my room and plopped myself down on my bed (where I am writing this blog currently :-). I was still in an uproar of emotion. I kept thinking about how worthless, boring, and unloved I was. No one actually cherishes spending time with me. I'm just one of those surface people who no one can open up to. I'm not funny. I'm not smart. I can't come up with jokes on-the-spot. I'm not worth people's time. I'm just one of those people who goes through life and hides behind the everyday tasks of life -- work and school. These are the lies that flooded my mind. I couldn't stop them. I dug out Oreos and milk in attempts to soften my panic, but after a few minutes the chocolately satisfaction wore off. I was back in my race of negative emotions once again.
Why is it that women experience such traumatic and painful emotional pitfalls? Well, I kind of unknowingly discovered the answer in a book I'm reading at the moment... "Captivating" by John & Stasi Eldredge. Chapter Three (I can't even remember the last time I read the book, but I felt a little voice telling me I had to pick it up -- it was probably God's ;-).
Oh my gosh. You know those moments you experience that were totally meant for you, but you didn't know it until they actually happened? This was one of these times. Holy bananas. God totally spoke!! The chapter talked about the curse Eve left on women-kind. When she bit into the fruit of the tree God specifically told her not to, she fell short of the glory of God and was punished by God. The curse was not entirely in the physical, though -- not only pain in childbearing and the dominance of man over woman. The curse also included a feeling of unending emptiness.
That's exactly what I was feeling. I read on, page after page, curious as to what the answer was to cure this feeling of emptiness. I read about dominating and desolate women, and discovered that I really am a desolate woman. I can be way too needy and long for a romantic relationship to the point where my heart feels unloved. I can also be too vulnerable and pour too much of life's details out on the spot.
But despite the type of woman I am, I learned that all women indulge. We all seek out love and acceptance through bingeing, gambling, drinking, having sex... The list goes on and on. And we are never satisfied.
True satisfaction comes in the Lord. The Lord loves us and desires us, more than we can imagine. My friend Frankie shared a song with me tonight. It's called "I Knew What I Was Getting Into" by Misty Edwards. As I was listening, I set the lyrics before my eyes so I could follow along. Again, so good. God totally spoke!!
And I am not shocked by your weakness
And I am not shocked even by your sin
And I am not shocked by your brokenness
These were the lyrics that immediately stood out. God doesn't care about my weaknesses, my sin, and my brokenness! He doesn't care where I've fallen and slipped! He doesn't care if I've overreacted emotionally or beat myself up about stupid little things. God doesn't record our failures, he delights in our hunger for Him.That's truth. That's what I want to live by. That's what I need ingrained in me. I want to live desperately and passionately for the Lord with all that I am. Every speck, every morsel, every piece. All for Him! I don't want to care about if I look pretty enough to people on the outside, because I am a beauty and a treasure in the Lord's eyes! I don't want to care if people think I'm strange or awkward or nerdy, because I don't live by the world's expectations! I live only to glorify the Lord and magnify His name! Even if I may be a little outset from the norm, God still loves me and wraps His arms around me. And that applies to everyone. He is a good God and cares for each and every one of His creations. So go after Him -- He'll blow your mind. He did to me tonight. ;-)

Saturday, January 7, 2012

3, 2, 1... Plunge: Here I Am, LORD!

Lord, I give you my heart.
I give you my soul.
Let this heart be Yours
and Yours alone. <3


THAT is my prayer. I desire the Lord so, so much.
Tonight we had a special Praise Gathering service for student leaders. I was so happy to return to a place where the Lord has truly done incredible things in my life. I've wept at that altar; I've prayed my heart out with my sisters and brothers in Christ; I've worshiped the Almighty God over and over again; I've heard messages that have literally changed me. So much has happened in that sanctuary. And I was back.
As for every PG I've gone to, I sat myself in the back right section. Alone. I like having that one-on-one intimacy with the Lord. The worship began, and the first song was "Let It Rain" by Delirious.
Looks like tonight, the sky is heavy
Feels like the winds are gonna change 
Beneath my feet, the earth is ready 
I know it’s time for heaven’s rain 
It’s gonna rain, yeah, yeah
Did I really feel that? Was I ready for an outpouring of the Lord into my heart and soul?
Yes. God showed up.
The Holy Spirit revealed Himself to me through a word that turned into an image. (That's how the Lord speaks to me, and I've only recently discovered it.)
The words were: RAIN DOWN. I scribbled it down in my journal and started drawing. Then I pondered what it meant. Rain down? Why the rain tonight? Am I lacking rain right now?
Then it hit me. Spiritual drought. That's what I'm in.
The Lord convicted me. Over break, there were moments when I had free time and I felt the Holy Spirit nudging me. The Lord wanted to spend time with me, but I shoved it aside. I filled that time with other things -- friends, blogging, T.V, etc. I ignored the Lord's knock on my door.
I realized tonight that over break, my spiritual branches and roots withered. The soil around me was full of big rocks, and it wasn't the rich and bountiful environment needed for the Lord to pour out his word into. I was a shriveling plant, and I needed the Lord so desperately.
I started identifying the rocks in my life, the distractions and secrets hindering me from giving myself fully to the Lord. Later tonight, I even saw a video of Kim Walker talking about worship. One of her comments stuck out: "Maybe the reason why you can't connect with the Lord as intimately as you want is because you have an offended heart. You need an unoffended heart." <3
Whoa. That hit me! I started sorting through my life. There are some things I haven't forgiven the Lord for and things in my sight that are stopping me from experiencing the full beauty and glory of the Lord's presence.
Confession time! During prayer tonight, I gave everything to the Lord. I let it all go, and kept yearning after him with a longing heart. I didn't stop asking the Lord for more and more of Him for at least a half hour. I WANTED Him with everything in my being. I couldn't muster up the tears, but I felt them in my eyelids. I was so incredibly desperate to hear the Lord. I felt like I could have been the blind man on the street who reached out and touched Jesus' cloaked.
That's all I really want, you know. The Lord. I only want Him in my life. Although I am fully human, I want to live fully in the Spirit as well. Just like Jesus did when He walked the Earth over 2,000 years ago. I want to be Christ-like. Really Christ-like. I want to operate constantly in the spiritual gifts He has given me with a heart of love and compassion, and I want all the glory to go to Him alone. That's my heart's only desire.
It's funny, because during leadership training, at least two of the people who spoke asked the question, "What do you want? What do you really want?" I wrote some stuff down, but in the end, it all really comes down to yearning after the Lord passionately with everything I am.
So what do you want? What has the Lord been telling you that you're ignoring? Do you want to see the Lord work in your life like never before? I know I do. And the step I need to take to get there is by giving all that I am to Him. Surrendering complete control so He can be my navigator. Yes, it's scary. Yes, it's full of uncertainty. But who cares? With the Lord as your Guide, He will ALWAYS protect you and take care of you! That's why I'm taking a risk and jumping into the deep end with the Lord. Because if you stay in the shallow end, you're not going to go anywhere spiritually. You have to get out of your spiritual bubble and take risks. Trust that the Lord will take care of you in times of fear and uncertainty. Because that's when He does the biggest things and shakes mountains! ;-)

Friday, January 6, 2012

What's Your Junk?

I read a verse this morning.
Or, a passage more specifically. Luke 11:37-53 — It’s about the six woes that Jesus pronounces on the Pharisees.
The verses that stuck out to me were vs. 39-41: “Then the Lord said to him, ‘Now then, you Pharisees clean the outside of the cup and dish, but inside you are full of greed and wickedness. You foolish people! Did not the one who made the outside make the inside also? But give what is inside the dish to the poor, and everything will be clean for you.’”When reading this verse, it is first important to take in the historical context at the time. I can’t help but apply this passage to my own life, though. Our lives are just like a cup. Jesus set up the perfect analogy for us. Although we may clean the outside and make it look like we have everything together with our job, our family, our friends, our money, and our relationship with Jesus Christ, many times we are still broken and hiding things on the inside.
The inside is disgusting, but no one sees it from the walls we create to shelter them from the truth. We don’t want them to see our secret side; our lies and weaknesses that pull us further away from the Lord.
For me, I’m definitely not clean on the inside. And I don’t think anyone is. As Romans 3:23 says, “…for all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God…” We all have goop inside that hinders us from becoming one with Christ.
But hey, guess what? God is a God of grace. He LOVES us, and pours down his mercies upon us even when we walk in darkness! He doesn’t care how far we’ve fallen from him. Though we walk in the valley of death, the Lord is always there to pick us up and let us start fresh again in our relationship with Him! :-)
Isaiah 1:18 says, “Though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be washed as white as snow…” Hey, that’s something to rejoice about! The Lord is our Redeemer and Savior.
Reflecting on what I just said, I look at my own life. I look at the things I’m hiding inside from everyone else. I look at my prayer life. Although others have commented on how strong of a prayer life I have with the Lord, honestly, it’s hardly there. Prayer is one of my weaknesses. I confess that.
But the Lord has definitely been working on that this year with me. During Encounter (an evangelistic outreach ministry at my college), God laid on my heart to stay back for prayer. I was like, “What God? Are you serious?” But, out of a listening heart, I stayed back. And whoa, did God totally blow my mind! He set a flame in my heart for prayer!Ever since them, I’ve been working little by little to keep feeding that flame. I’m on Ninedays Prayer Team at my school, and God has also presented me with awesome opportunities to pray. Guess what those are? My 40-minute drives to work. Everyone thinks I’m crazy for driving that far out to work, but honestly, I don’t care! I get a chunk of time to praise the Lord and be steadfast in prayer. A time of silence where I have no other distractions. It’s AWESOME. :-)
So that’s one of my confessions. I don’t have it all together. But even though I’m still a broken and wretched human being, I still belong to the Lord and I want to glorify Him in everything I do. I think it’s the passion and drive that matters. The Lord loves a heart that is on fire for Him!
Now I challenge you to look at your cup. The inside of the cup. What are you keeping there that no one else sees? What do you need to surrender to the Lord and let him take control of in your life? Don’t be afraid. The Lord is a God of mercy and compassion, and He will always, ALWAYS accept you and love you as His child.

Thursday, January 5, 2012

My Wants Aren't In God's Book Sometimes

Before I embarked on my second year of college, I wrote down a list of goals I wanted to accomplish this school year. The list is scribbled down in black pen on five pages (each page being one side of a notebook page).
Being halfway through the year, I laugh at myself finding many of these goals to be surreal. Honestly, what was I thinking when I wrote the list? Did I actually think I’d be able to succeed at every single item? Yeah right.
I’m not saying that I wouldn’t like to achieve each and every goal; I’m just saying that it’s nearly impossible. (Okay, now don’t go about saying that I doubt the popular phrase: Everything is possible with God! I DO believe that. Sometimes our human desires our not in His plan for our life, though. And that’s exactly what I’m learning.)
Scrolling through the list, I was only able to cross off 17 things that I felt like I REALLY accomplished. To give you a good perspective of my achievement (or failure, for that matter), that’s only 20% of my list. I obviously didn’t put enough effort into achieving everything on my list.
Wait, wait… Hold up now. Whoa. That last statement I wrote. I obviously didn’t put enough effort into achieving everything on my list. Maybe I did put enough effort into achieving my goals, it was just impossible to achieve EVERYTHING.
When I look back on the past semester, I look back on it with a smile. God did incredible things during that season of my life. He redeemed me from my past; He healed my heart; He brought me into close friendships; He spoke to me through messages, worship, and prayer; He taught me how to be vulnerable. In addition to this, I was able to be more spontaneous and do things I’ve never done before. Like each sushi at midnight with 20 of my brothers and sisters in Christ. Or explore Uptown with my one of my besties. Or spend two-and-a-half hours at a local coffee shop discussing life with a close friend. Not only did the Lord bless me and teach me new things in my walk with Him, but I was also able to have a fun social life. I have nothing to complain about!
When I look back on my long list of hopeful achievements and wants, I realize that many of these things are improbable to reach towards. Yes, I want to “reach towards the stars” and strive towards my vision, but I notice that God has his own plan for getting me there. I don’t need to make a list. I only need to rely on God’s voice. He’ll help me finish the race, little by little. Footstep by footstep.
This doesn’t mean I’m going to shred my list into tiny pieces and toss it in the trash. No. What I’m going to do is look over the list once again and cross off the things that aren’t important to me. Delete the things that would be nice to achieve, but aren’t part of God’s plan for my life.
I can’t totally leave my plate without excitement or adventure, though. I’ll keep some small things (like writing a song or going to the Minneapolis sculpture gardens) on the list. Just because you need to have a little bit of fun in college between classes and relationships while you’re still young. ;-)
Ultimately, my goal now is to not live life so high-strung and attached to a list of goals. I can find freedom in the Lord and rejoice in Him no matter where I’m at in life! I don’t need to pity myself for not accomplishing something I wanted to. Because honestly, I can’t do everything I want to do! It’s difficult for me sometimes. Especially since I’m a people pleaser and I can never say “no” to someone. That’s another thing I’m going to work on.
In conclusion, this is my plan:
1. Go through the list and cross off items that aren’t important. Remake the list smaller and more precise.
2. Pray and stay steadfast in the Lord and believe that He will help me accomplish my goals.
3. Don’t get upset if I don’t accomplish something! The Lord is full of grace and love, and will always forgive me no matter where I stumble.
I’M GOING TO LIVE MY LIFE FOR THE LORD!

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

It's Not You, It's Me

I realized something.
When I scroll through my newsfeed on Facebook, I see a variety of posts and comments from friends of my friends that I know by face, but not in person. You know what I mean? The people I’ve seen and maybe said “hi” to before, but nothing beyond a simple meet-and-greet conversation.
Okay, so about these people. Many of these people are widely known at my school and get along with everyone. (If you didn’t know, I go to North Central University — a small, private school in Minneapolis — and you pretty much know everyone by their face.)
With lots of these people, I tend to shove labels on them. I’ll stereotype them for being so popular or having lots of friends. I’ll think, “Hey, they’re on the worship team. They’re a celebrity. They have everything right with God. I can’t talk to them. They won’t think I’m spiritual enough.” Or even the athletes. “They always listen to secular rap music in the gym during practices and I never see them live out their spiritual lives.” And the awkward couples. “Look at them cuddle in the Mail Center all the time. Really? They can’t find their own space?” Then there’s everyone else. The nerds, the hipsters, the PSEO kids, the adults (Ummmm, why are you still in college?), etc. etc. I judge people for no valid reason.
I also tend to isolate myself from certain people. I’m very picky about who I choose to hang out with and I can’t be myself around someone for the very first time I meet them. I come across as this awkward, serious, shy girl. I swear I do.
When I replay every first meeting with a person through my head, I embarrass myself. What was I thinking when I said that? Why did I giggle so much? Why do I pretend like they have no other friends? Why do I belittle them?Dude, there’s so much more to a person than what you see initially. I know you’ve probably heard it over and over again, but it’s the hardcore truth! Not just their outer appearance, per say, but a person’s words and actions are typically different the first time you interact with them. They try to mask or exaggerate their personality, whichever it may be. Someone may be extremely quiet or bitter around you when you first approach them, but around their close buddies they’re loud and funny. Who knows.
And so I conclude one thing: I am fantastic at judging people. And I despise it. I was totally blind to it. I go through life thinking about how friendly and nice I am, and when I don’t know how to get along with someone I blame it on them. Ha. So stupid of me! I need to change my actions and adapt to the other person. I need to be accepting and loving on them, no matter what gossip I’ve heard about them or what kind of atmosphere their presence illuminates.
I need to clean my vision and see people differently. I need to break down misconceptions and judgments of people. I need to walk with the eyes of Jesus.

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

"Like" This Blog and I Won't Care

Status updates. Whether it be on Facebook, Twitter, or any other social media site, people take their statuses so seriously. They spend minutes and hours and days thinking of an inspiring, funny, or dramatic status update that will “W-O-W” their friends. I know this, because I do it. I’ll admit it. I’m not some creative, whimsical status generator that can whip up the perfect status that will get 100 likes instantly. No way. But I do spend much of my thought trying to mesh together a status that my friends will drop their jaws to. Oh, and another thing I’ll confess to — I only post one status a day. Usually. Why? I don’t want to be one of those people who is constantly updating their status hour after hour, longing for attention and the infamous “likes”. But do likes and quantity of statuses really make us more admirable and respected? Yes, they may contribute to that, but in all honestly, NO. I think it’s more about the quality of our statuses. But hardly even that. To be 100% truthful, status updates are just another way to boast about yourself and set the spotlight on YOU. Although we may try to avoid the “me me me” attitude, we become blind when we continue to seek out approval from others by constantly updating our statuses. I’m not saying that ALL status updates are selfish. No. Attending a Pentecostal university, I’ve befriended several people whose status updates only glorify the LORD with every word. It’s super encouraging, and I highly respect these people. But at the same time, status updates are unnecessary. No matter what they talk about. If I stopped updating my Facebook statuses for an entire year, I wonder how that would affect me. Maybe my desire for attention would drift away. Maybe I would become lenient on another source of approval. I don’t know. It probably sounds silly that I’m considering doing this, but I honestly don’t care what you think. I’m tired of other people’s expectations. I’m tired of fulfilling what’s “normal” in this world. Because as a child of God, I’m already breaking that rule. As my best friend always said, “I’m a rebel for Christ.” ;-)